doctor

 alright, so what are your thoughts when you first see this? mine was...what in the flying HELL is this horseshit!? (caps lock.) it all started when i was running around one morning before work and couldn't find my wallet. (at this stage in the game, i spend half my life looking for shit.) i decided to just wing it without it, but half way through the day i realized that we ran out of cough medicine the night before and needed it for the kids that evening. (rats!) so, i texted my husband and said the following, "can you stop before you go to the gym (more about that later) and get cough medicine for the kids? get non-drowsy stuff, cause i want it for the day time, too." he wrote back, "k." (ps. i hate when people just write "k"...is it too hard to just write the goddamn "o" with it? sheesh.) anyways, i got home from work, walked in the door, and staring me in the eyeballs was...DR. COCOA. (doctor. cocoa.) last time i checked, medicine should not be something you pour over a sundae. moreover, you don't serve medicine ala mode with a side of sprinkles. i said (kinda laughing), "what the hell is THAT!?" (remember my thoughts from before? i don't have a filter.) butch said (a little annoyed), "that's all they had." i said, "where did you go?" (hershey park?!) he said, "rite aid." (yeah friggin right that's all they had!) "you said, 'cough, non-drowsy' that's what i got." (men.)

i went on, "there is no way that that was "all they had"(i totally threw out air quotes)...no way in hell!" he laughed. i know for a fact that rite aid has a whole WALL full of medicine for kids, so don't even go there with me, bucko. i walked away and then a few minutes later (after some thought) i walked back in the kitchen and said, "really, what the hell were you thinking when you thought doctor cocoa was the best choice!? i mean, we've had a plethora of medicines for the kids before, but chocolate medicine!? last time i checked, it wasn't milton hershey, M.D.!?!?" after a laughing fit my husband said, "well all the other stuff was like 8 bucks! this was $5.99 so i bought it instead. look! it's NEW!" (pointing to the box.) the truth comes out. captain coupon was at it again. so later that evening i administered the medicine to my coughing kids. they have that end of the winter sickness that is just hanging on long enough to be a pain in the dick. (done with winter. done.) both of them acted like it was the best day of their lives and ASKED FOR MORE. (licked the spoon!) we wanna know why kids are soft these days? chocolate flavored medicine is one of the reasons they are soft. back in my day, medicine tasted like battery acid. now? if your kid is sick they can take a little trip to willy wonka's factory to feel better. (wtf.)

so in a month or so i will be turning 33. along with getting hyper about chocolate flavored childrens' medicine, my past times include plucking gray hairs from my head and contemplating dying it often, covering crows feet with makeup, hurting myself while getting out of bed (that happened this morning)...and wondering when the hell i got so old. i know, i know...i'm not THAT old, but i'm no young chippy anymore and shit seems to be going downhill fast. moreover, ella started soccer practice this week and i now can officially be labeled a "soccer mom." (enter taper legged jeans.) at this point in the game people are really pushing this minivan issue. i mean, it's a BIG deal. the people that have minivans are all like, "they are awesome! you will love it! join my caravan cult!" and i'm all like, "no." it's not even a matter of image or anything, i just don't like them. (plus, i still listen to notorious b.i.g. radio on pandora for chrissake. big poppa blaring out of a minivan? just no.) maybe soon i will change my tune...but for now i'm still oppositional. furthermore, in my ripe old age i catch myself saying stuff like, "kids these days..." and "back in my day." (who the hell am i? my grandmother!?) meanwhile, my husband is going through some sort of crisis and hits the gym like everyday of the week. his past times include pumping iron, taking protein...and drinking cashew milk. (i didn't even know there was such a thing until i opened the fridge this week.) pardon me, but i don't think nuts should produce milk. (it just goes against nature.) he told me to try it and i told him to keep his nut milk to himself. (isn't the first time i told him that, but that's another story for another time.)

i must say that the shift between my oldest needing me for everything as a newborn...to needing me to drive her to activities was a quick and violent one. i have a new respect for my parents, because right now three of my weeknights are compromised by soccer and dance. the little one comes along for the ride, but i'm sure she will be signed up for shit in no time. no one warns you about this stuff either. all of a sudden...i'm a chauffeur! this being said, it is kinda fun to see your kid involved in stuff. i'm totally living vicariously through her. when we stepped on the soccer field for the first time on monday, i totally took a little mental trip down memory lane. (it's funny how your mind can take you there.) she did awesome until about 45 minutes into the practice when she had a meltdown and starting crying that she was too cold. (kids these days.) other parents were staring at me (probably glad it wasn't their kid), but after losing her shit for a few minutes she got back out there. in her defense, it was pretty cold...i was cussing out mother nature in my mind. (it's spring, dammit!) we had a courageous conversation on the way home about how whining isn't allowed at soccer. (there is no crying in baseball!...or soccer.) so as my husband sips his cashew milk and my kids down their chocolate medicine...you will be able to find me kicked back with a box of wine wearing my best mom jeans. maybe a little rap music on the radio for good measure. be jealous.

friends

 

so my husband recently asked me if i made friends with the dance moms at ella's class. however, i don't think i really "fit in" with them. for instance, this week i overheard one of them talking about how she sews clothes for her kids' baby dolls and the other one chimed in that she knitted the sweater she was wearing. (it looked like something straight out of a j.crew magazine.) meanwhile i was thinking about how half the baby dolls at my house are stark naked and the fact that i buy my clothes at target. (no knitting here.) not to mention the fact that i drink my wine out of a...box. so the answer is no, butch...not yet. this got me thinking about how the older you get the queerer it is to make friends. when you are five, if someone lets you borrow their blue crayon...you are best friends. (it doesn't take much.) moreover, the most insulting thing that kids say to each other is, "you aren't my friend!" they fall in and out of friendships like 323 times a day. can you imagine if adults acted that way? like if fen pissed me off and my only comeback was, "WELL YOU AREN'T MY FRIEND ANYMORE!" (so there.) parents sometimes get bent of shape when they hear this, but really, what leverage do kids have with each other other than friendship? that's the only weapon they can use sometimes to be hurtful. (and hurtful it is.) so if becoming friends with someone as a kid is so easy...how comes it gets harder as an adult?

maybe it's because we become much more judgy as adults? (even if we try not to be.) i mean, i was totally judging the women at dance class who had their way with thread and yarn. i also thought that they probably have perfectly prepared meals for their kids, made with only the best organic ingredients. (kraft works for me.) they probably used cloth diapers when their kids were babies. (waddup pampers.) they undoubtedly wash them with homemade soap in the bathtub. (johnson and johnson does a fine job of that.) i instantly thought, "well....we probably won't have a lot in common..." even though i only knew a little bit about them. (only the sewing/knitting bit.) the thing is this, we do have a lot in common...we all have kids. i may raise mine differently than they do, but at the end of the day we all have children. i have found the you have to do what works best for YOU as a mother. the first time i had to take carrie with me to dance class, she stood outside of the glass and threw a tantrum yelling, 'MMMEEEEEEEEEE DANNNCEEEE! MEEEEEE!" (oh hell.) i tried to talk her down from the ledge, but she was losing her shit. i had to physically remove her from the situation and when she calmed down i went back inside. i apologized to the other moms and one said, "for what?! my kid acts like a total ahole half the time, too. no worries!" (phew.) another time my two year old pulled a (wrapped) tampon out of my bag and wanted to eat it. i had to explain why tampons are not snacks. it was in a room full of moms, however, so they were all laughing. the one dad was staring oddly at me like he didn't know what a uterus was. (back off, bub...you made baby you should know about lady parts and periods.)

also when you get older you have like different sets of friends. (at least i do) you have the friends you knew from high school, college friends, neighbors, and if you have kids...you have friends with kids. my friends from high school are more like family and fen fits into that group. she gets all nervous on social media that people are going to think we are lesbians. listen, there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian...but i am not one. (either is fen.) it's just that really close friends like that are few and far between. we have a shit ton of fun together. friends like that know where you have been...and know where you are going. (good stuff.) the mom friends i've made thus far are pretty awesome as well. we all have one thing in common...we really love our kids and we really love wine. i have found that coffee sustains you as a mother and wine supports you. (truth.) i use both in moderation as of late, but they are still there whispering sweet nothings in my ear always. anyway, long story long, i am not friends with any of the dance moms...yet. i think i'm gonna throw a bone out there and see if anyone wants to hang out sometime. i overheard one of them talking about a book club and my mind was saying, "hey! you like books! you also like wine...wait? i wonder if they will they have wine there?..." (my mind goes there quick) i guess i'll have to channel my inner five year old in order to make some new friends. however, i won't be sewing any doll clothes or knitting any sweaters anytime soon. so for now i'll head around the corner to fen's after my cherubs go to bed for our guilty pleasure of grey's anatomy. we will proudly devour a bag of popcorn for dinner and drink our wine from a box. if you are wondering...i bought the yoga pants i'm wearing over there at target. please don't judge me.

better

yesterday was one of the days that i really kicked ass at parenting. i mean, i don't say things like this often because alotta the time i feel like i am straight up screwing my kids up. at the end of most days, i just do the best i can and hope i am not raising future serial killers. yesterday was different. it all occurred by accident, though, as awesome things often do...but this is what happened. i had plans to make green eggs and ham with my kindergarten class in celebration of dr. seuss's birthday on monday morning. (more about that later) however, the winter weather blessed us with another snow day. (when i say blessed, i am being sarcastic.) even as a teacher, i am so over snow days. i don't expect people who don't teach to understand, but at this point in the year my classroom is working like a well oiled machine. however, when severe interruptions in our daily routine come into play in the form of snow days and 2 hour delays, it messes up the machine...and mayhem happens. you start having what i call 'august conversations' with kids again. conversations that you really don't want to be having about good behavior and following rules. the machine breaks down without a set routine and it leads to headaches and everyone (especially kindergarten teachers) hoping for spring.

anyway, the green eggs and ham gig is something i have done with my kindergarten kids the past coupla years, but i have never done it with my own kids. i sometimes forget that i have an almost five year old living in my house that will be a kindergartner this year. (*throws up in mouth and swallows while shedding a tear*) i also often forget that she would enjoy most of the stuff i am doing in my classroom as well. so when school was cancelled yesterday, i thought, "the hell with this, i'm still going to make green eggs and ham for my own kids!" (take that, winter.) i whipped them up and carrie looked like i was serving her straight poison, she didn't want anything to do with it. if she could put three words together she would've said, "oh hell no." however, ella thought the whole thing was incredibly awesome and when i gave her the plate to eat she made the face of a legit cartoon character. (like the cat in the hat himself.) we recently read the story, so she was all about repeating parts (oral language skills) that she remembered (recalling information) and then said, "i don't know what took him so LONG to try the green eggs and ham (retelling information), because it's SO GOOD!!" (relating it to her own world) here is the picture i snapped when i handed her the plate.

so you are probably all like, "what's with all the parentheses in the last sentence?" well here goes: i feel that teachers and education in general have been under fire lately. there is a constant push for implementing the common core curriculum, new state testing mandates, and a general overload of (complete) crap. the bottom line is this, if children cannot make connections to their own life and world through learning...it is meaningless. data driven education is meaningless. education has to shift from imparting a static package of knowledge to a dynamic goal of being able to create knowledge and deploy skills to new situations, whatever they turn out to be. in this world, teaching by transfer of information doesn’t work well. instead the role of teachers (and parents) becomes one of enabling and inspiring the students to learn...so as to spark the energies and talents of the students. in other words, learning should be fun. kids should want to learn. the goal needs to shift from one of making a system that teaches children a curriculum more efficiently and getting better test scores to one of making the system more effective by inspiring lifelong learning in students, so that they are able to have full and productive lives in a rapidly shifting economy and society. (throws mic and steps off of soap box.)

later that day as her sister slept, she tagged along as i went to the post office and (one of my favorite places) the library. i didn't even think to look at what events they were having there (because i am usually working)...but they had story hour on the hour of dr. seuss books and crafts to go along with them. (score!) i totally felt like i was kicking ass once more, even though i went for a book for myself and this happened by accident. we stayed for almost two hours as several stories were read to her by a cute gray haired lady. as the lady started to read green eggs and ham to ella, she gasped and said, "i had green eggs and ham for breakfast!" the lady smiled at me. (yeah, i know...no future serial killers here. not today, lady.) subsequently, i decided since i had all of the copies made and supplies bought for my kindergarten green eggs and ham activity, i was going to just go ahead and do it today. (happy belated birthday, dr. seuss!) we start in my classroom by guessing (making predictions) details about the story and about whether or not we will like the green eggs and ham. then, i read the story and we talk about rhyming words and story structure. they usually sit enraptured as i read. kids love patterns, repetition, and rhyme. (dr. seuss was a genius, fyi.) then, i make the eggs and ham in front of them and serve it up hot. i've never had a kid not try it as long as i've been doing it...call it peer pressure or whatever, but they all want to try it. after we eat, we do a shared writing activity about how it tasted. we illustrate a picture of our faces when we tried it (fine motor skills and creativity). finally, we graph how many children liked it or not. (math)

so you see, i didn't just simply serve green eggs and ham to my own child yesterday and to my kindergarten class today. a real lesson was taught. i didn't need a test to tell me they learned something, either. testing children constantly is not fun for anyone involved. (teachers hate them as much as kids.) no kid ever said, "whoohooo! i get to take a standardized test!" testing sucks the fun out of teaching and the fun out of learning...not to mention the fact that actual time to teach is compromised. society is creating expert test takers...and last time i checked, there wasn't a job in the real world for those with that skill. there is a lot more that goes into a lesson (parenting or teaching) than what meets the eye. the end result that i always have in mind is that i want children to learn and i want them to have fun while doing so. (sometimes it happens by accident.) was "cooking green eggs and ham" part of my county curriculum? no. did it cover a whole lot of content related to that curriculum and the common core? yes. do i feel justified in doing such a lesson after breaking it down into what actually has been covered? yes. were the kids able to make connections from the lesson to skills in their own world? yes. there are times i question my abilities as both a parent and as a teacher. i think it's very natural to question what you are doing for your kids (or for other people's kids) is the "right" thing. in this case, i know for sure i kicked ass in regard to both through these activities with my own kid and with my kindergarten kids.

i know for sure because the kids' laughter and smiles told me so. i know for sure because they learned something and they laughed along the way. i know for sure because i covered required content in an unconventional way. i truly hope that i have the ability to inspire children the way the master of rhyming words inspired me. as a child, his words cultivated my love of learning and my own love of reading. (right on dr. s.) kids have to find learning enjoyable and need to relate to it...now and for the rest of their lives. even though these kids are five, they are our future. i think many of us forget that...children are our future. (that's huge.) if feeding them green eggs and ham at five makes them more productive adults...i'm all for it. society needs to get back to basics in regard to education and remember what is important. fostering a love of learning is important. inspiring children is important. silliness and nonsense are both important. creating capable adults is important. the people who are creating and implementing these crazy curriculum and high stakes testing need to step back and embrace their inner child...and maybe eat a little green eggs and ham every once in a while. (maybe with a goat? on a boat?) education and society as a whole would be better because of it.

"sometimes the questions are complicated, and the answers are simple." -dr. seuss

paint

 

so my friend fen and i have decided that both of us suffer from seasonal affective disorder. (or SAD) we have had many conversations about it, but the struggle is real. we are both much moodier and have little energy in the winter. i am just about at a point that when the weatherman says there is going to be a 100% chance of snow...i am 100% sure i'm going to swan dive over the bay bridge. fen and i hang out weekly and talk daily, and the topic has definitely been on the top of our list lately. i don't think we are the only ones that are truly sick of winter and it's repercussions, because it seems like everyone in the world is over it. also, when running on the treadmill rather than outside, i want to slam both fists into it as i am working out. since we self-diagnosed the SAD, we also came up with our own remedy to the situation. what a better way to break through the winter blues, then to paint a picture of the beach!? painting is not our forte, but when we heard about paint nite and what it entailed we were all for it. their motto is "drink creatively." i mean, alcoholic beverages and the use of fine motor skills clearly go hand in hand. right? (for the love of...) anyway, we signed up a month ago and the day finally came on friday. both of us were nervous, excited, and a little bit scared. at one point during the day, she texted me and said she was going to throw up. (hah!)

so when we walked in the restaurant where this was taking place, we immediately ordered a drink. (well done.) upon discussion, we decided to both stick to beer because we really didn't want to muck up our motor skills. although wine is like one of my most favorite things, beer is a better option if i don't want to blackout. (just being honest.) so with beer in hand, we headed to the back of the bar where they had everything set up. the lady took our names and handed us an apron. we sat down in front of a blank canvas and paper plates that had only the primary colors squirted on it. fen looked at me and said, well i guess it's not a paint by number!? (no it is not.) i had an 'oh shit' moment because i thought, how the hell are we going to make the picture that was displayed with little or no artistic ability? (what. were. we. thinking.) here's the thing...whenever i am going to use paint in my classroom with the kids, i usually get everything prepared at the beginning of the day and put it on my desk. when the kids walk in in the morning and see the paint, they get super pumped. it doesn't take much with five year olds, but my god they love to paint. somewhere into adulthood, some of us lose that gusto...maybe just because we don't think we are good at it. the interesting thing is, in the 9 years i have been teaching i have not met one five year old who didn't like to paint. kids dive in and aren't afraid to fail. meanwhile, i'm having an 'oh shit' moment and fen is throwing up in her mouth and swallowing. (get a grip.) 

we started talking to the people around us, and everyone was paint nite virgins like us. to my surprise, there were a lot of dudes there. i mean, i guess i just expected it to be all women. i told warren about it and now he wants to go, too. not many people know this about him, but he was an art major in college and is very artistic! i actually was kinda scared to bring my painting home, because i knew he would critique it. i didn't want him to rip it apart and then the SAD kick in even more. (seriously.) so anyway, the instructor laid the ground rules and we got started. fen started with the blue sky and turned to me and said, "i think the SAD is coming out in my painting, it looks so melancholy." (i laughed.) she also was acting super serious. she is very much a rule follower and i am more of a rebel. it's amazing we have been friends for so long, because we are very different in that regard. the coors lites helped me relax and now i was just having fun. in the meantime, she was following along with the instructor...like her life depended on it. (it was funny.) the bartender came by to see if we needed a drink and as i ordered my beer, i realized fen was in the zone. i asked her if she wanted another one and she didn't answer me. i asked her again. and again. then she yelped, "i'm going to miss a step!" (holy balls.) the instructor said at one point that if we wanted to get creative, we could add a sea turtle to our scene. fen and i both started cracking up. let's stick to sky and sand, lady...sea turtles are for experts. 

the instructor stated at the beginning to try not to drink out of the paint water cup (i almost did. twice.) and also while you are waiting for your different layers of the paint to dry..."dry time is drink time." (you bet your sweet ass i took full advantage of that dry time.) as the painting came together and actually looked like something, we were both impressed with ourselves. there were about 50 people doing it, and although all the paintings looked similar, they all were unique in their own way. (which was cool.) the next day morning fen came over so that she could drop off my painting cause i left it in her car. ella was in awe. like, she legit thought i was picasso. i said to her, "why don't we do our own paint nite here?" her eyes lit up and a big smile came across her face. then she said, "...but i won't drink beer, i'll just stick with juice." (oh good.) so when carrie went down for her nap yesterday, i sat down with ella and i instructed her, just as the lady instructed me. she was mixing colors, picking different brushes to use, and having a ball. as she was doing it, i thought..."hey! i could do this with my whole class!" so that will be on the agenda this week, i can't wait to see how it goes. (guarantee not one kid will be disappointed.) it's actually a really simple concept and will help them practice following step by step directions, perfect their fine motor skills, and most importantly, it will be super fun. i'm happy to report that it really did combat the SAD. at the end of the day, we really are all children at heart. release your inner five year old and do something fun. don't think about failure and just dive in. at the end of the day...you'll be really glad you did.

love

 

a few weeks ago, fen pulled out her holiday decorations for valentine's day. she's one of those people who decorates for every holiday with the ever so awesome window clings and things of that nature. (knick knacks, too.) after adorning her house in hearts, i arrived for girls night on thursday that week and she said to me, "so what do i tell ella about valentine's day??" she tends to over think things and wanted to be prepared for ella's interrogation of "why are those hearts all over the windows?" i said, "just tell her it's the day where women give their guys BJs and men buy their gals flowers and jewelry..." she smiled at me somewhat, partly trying to figure out if i really wanted her to tell my kid that. i then said smirking (so that it was clear), "just tell her it's a day to celebrate love." fen said, "oh, well i wasn't sure what to say, i mean, i was going to tell her about cupid and stuff but how do you really explain that!?" when talking to a 4 year old about stuff, keep it simple. they will inevitably complicate it with their own questions, so just keep the initial statement as simple as possible. (valentine's day is about love.) sure enough ella skipped in there on friday morning before school and was firing questions at fen. glad she was prepared to answer her and didn't get all flustered. (wish i was a fly on the wall.)

in school, the five year olds i teach also have their own perceptions about love. i enjoy celebrating cupid's holiday with them, mainly because their view about the L-word is not jaded and is blissfully pure. this year i started the conversation by doing a shared writing activity about 'things we love'. (results above.) all of them said these things with a dead straight face. for instance, the little boy that said "giraffes" was looking at me with his big brown eyes and i replied (while biting my lip), "why do you love giraffes?" he said, "well they are soo tall and their long necks are just so cool!" (giraffes weren't on my list, but they are now.) the little girl that said, "lemonade" went on to say it was "delicious and sweet." (i love lemonade, too...especially on a summer day.) cake? babies? dogs? (love. love. love.) this list wasn't generated by the hallmark company, but it is genius. the funny thing is, the very first little girl i called on said "parents" and there was a wave of agreeance that washed over the classroom. they were all nodding their heads and smiling. some were mad because their fellow classmate "stole their word" and they had to come up with something else. sometimes we become so overwhelmed as a parent that we easily remember our kids love pizza and potatoes, but sometimes forget they truly love us as people.

we actually had a babysitter for our own valentine's outing this year and what a better way to spend it...than by watching soft porn on a sunday with bunch of other people. so here's the deal, people are getting way wound up about this 50 shades movie and the truth of the matter is, a movie will never live up to the corresponding book. (ever.) the awesome thing about books is that there are an awful lot of illustrations and assumptions that you make up in your head to go along with the words. that book was so successful because women were able to make mr. grey look exactly what they wanted him to be in their minds. therefore, when he didn't live up to the hype they had in their head..they were disappointed. also, one woman's fantasy of the perfect man may be totally different than another woman's. as for it being soft porn? nah...people got way wound up about that too. i mean, there is sex in the movie but nothing ridiculous. i feel like as a normal person (in general) it is weird to sit in a movie theater with a bunch of people you don't know and stare at uncensored boobs and butts...especially when the lady next to you keeps commenting on the lead character's bush. (that happened.) but the book was racy, so if people expected sesame street to pop up on the screen they must've been sadly mistaken. (big bird was not present.) anyway, after a dinner out sans high chairs and menus you can color on...we saw it. it was good. (the end.)

the next morning we entered real life again as ella woke me up by pulling on my ear lobe. (PULLING ON IT.) i opened one eye and stared at her as she was doing it...in the meantime, she started laughing her head off at my facial expression. (i was not laughing.) who knew that in parenting an alarm clock would wind up being a toddler pulling on your ear lobe!? shortly after, i went over to get carrie when i heard her yelling, 'MMMMAAAAMMMAAAAAAA!!!!" from across the hall. upon changing her diaper, i realized it was on backwards. (backwards.) three thoughts went through my head and they are as follows: 1. this is funny shit. 2. did ella put this on her? 3. did the babysitter do this? and so i asked carrie why it was on backwards and in a high pitched voice she yelled, "I DUNNO!??!" so then i asked ella and she also said she did not know. after those options were exhausted i texted the babysitter and apologized for not telling her how to properly put on a diaper, i had assumed she knew how to do it. i often assume everyone in the world knows how to change a diaper, mainly because i've been doing it since i was like 11 years old when my brother daisy made his appearance. if there was a diaper changing competition, i would totally win it. after some hilarious banter back and forth, she said she tried to figure it out and put the longer coverage in the back assuming that's where it was needed. (hahhaha!) listen, my kids were alive when i got home...a backwards diaper was not a big deal. (but it is, in fact, funny.)

finally, when looking at many things in our lives...they can best be seen at as a child would see them. when talking about big things like love, they can often be complicated and dramatized by adults. kids are often very eager to talk about things that they love and will readily tell you if they love you. sometimes, seemingly out of no where my four year old will blurt out "i love you" for no apparent reason. i could be sitting there eating a pickle or something and she will lean over and gently stroke my hair and say it. although i am not one of those people that is stingy with the word, if i say it to someone i mean it. i believe love can be seen on different levels though...for instance, the way we love lemonade is different than the way we love volleyball. (it's on the list and the little girl stated it was because the "ball flies so high in the air and it's fun!") despite whatever level of love you experience, hold onto that feeling tightly and don't let it flee. often times we tend to disregard little fleeting moments as nothing, where as they make up the memories that we love. (for instance, in my case, the first real snowfall.) my kids make my patience want to implode often, but this comes second to the fact that they make my heart want to legit explode so many different times during the day. remember that if you are a parent, your children love you just as much as they love pizza and potatoes. more importantly, channel that thought when they are pulling on your earlobe to wake you up before the sun rises...you're gonna need it.

granted

there are lots of things you take for granted before you have kids. little things that you think really aren't a big deal, but when it comes down to it they really are. for instance, turning the music up loud in the car, dropping a deuce with out someone knocking down the damn door, eating something without sharing it....and the one that i have been dealing with most recently that really chaps my ass is getting the kids out the door in the morning before work. mornings are hard for me with or without kids. (i actually want to throat chop people who are "chipper" in the morning.) however, when mornings entail trying to get two toddlers out the door before the sun rises it is equivalent to a brain aneurysm. (they make me want to throat chop myself.) i don't know about your kids, but at this stage in the game...mine travel with an entourage. the posse changes every week, but i usually have to tote blankey lovies, elmo, ariel, minnie, mention any other childhood character slash toy here. (switch them up and repeat.) i feel like i should have a bumper sticker that reads, "big bird is my homeboy." it doesn't matter how much i do the night before, i still run around like a cracked out chicken with its head cut off in the wee morning hours. therefore, when my husband suffers a man cold and opts to stay home with our offspring, i secretly do a little dance inside...all because i don't have to deal with all that nonsense in the morning. i also enjoy getting pictures throughout the day from him that show my children looking like this:

i don't know what trailer park these two escaped from, but they look absolutely glorious. my husband was home all day yesterday with them and informed me that he "let the kids dress themselves." they always have on some sort of absurd get-up anyway, but i think the diaper and the snow boot ensemble takes the cake, no mention of the neon leggings. here is another thing with kids that you take for granted before having them...sick days! (have you seen the most recent cold medicine commercial?) i know butch would rather spend the day in bed (nursing his man cold with medicine) than deal with mary lou and betty sue, but sending them to the sitter would mean paying for a sitter...and butch would never "waste" that money. therefore, he deals with their craziness and his man cold collaboratively and hopes for the best. from the looks of things on this picture, it was going really well. we often think back to how are lives were before children and we have come to the conclusion that at one point really liked each other. (listen up) relationships often go through ups and downs, but when you have small children it's more like a roller coaster ride. actually, it's like going on a roller coaster without a seat belt fastened and having to hold on for dear life at every twist and turn. some days you hope like hell your ride doesn't have any loops, because you will fall off and god forbid you hurt yourself...because you won't even have a sick day to take off from parenthood to heal. (end rant.)

this morning i woke up, walked into the bathroom and as my husband got out of the shower i said, "carrie woke me up in the middle of the night." he said, "for what?" i said, "to say hello." i shit you not i heard, "mommmmeeeee, mommmmeeee...." (x23) from across the hall and i went over. i walked in rubbing one eye ball and scratching my ass and she yelped, "OH, hi mommy!" she had a big smile on her face and acted as if i was coming over for a cup of tea and some crumpets in the middle of the night. (i assure you i was not.) after a hello and a hug, i laid her back down and that was that. 3:03am is an awesome time to say hello to someone. (not.) toddlers have literally no boundaries, nor can tell time. (lethal combo.) after i told butch this he said, "well ella woke me up last night." i said, "for what?" he said, "she said she was afraid of the monsters." i somehow mustered, "the monsters?" he said, "yea...the monsters." all i could do was shake my head. maybe tonight we can send carrie over to say hello to the monsters in the middle of the night instead? after running around this morning like that cracked out chicken i talked about earlier, we were on our way to the sitter and said, "ella, what is this i hear about the monsters?" she said (smirking), "well they aren't really real, but sometimes they scare me." i said, "if they aren't real, then they shouldn't scare you." (it was clear that she also got up to just say hello.) it got really quiet and then carrie yelled on the top of her lungs, "ROOOOAAARRRRR!" doing her best monster impression, of course. we all started laughing. (carrie is a character.)

so if you do not have any children as of yet, make sure you don't take those little things that i used to for granted. turn your music way up and roll your windows way down. take a nice, long uninterrupted dump with a magazine in hand. roll out in the morning (or afternoon, or night) without an entourage of lovies, toys, and stuffed animals in tow. take a sick day and lay around until you get bedsores. sleep through the night without the threat of monsters waking you up. despite allllll this being said...just know that if you ever choose to have children, that it will be the very best thing you ever did. kids make you laugh, they make you whine (and drink wine), they make you question your competence, they make you smile...they do all these things and (lots) more. dealing with their craziness and life in general collaboratively is all part of the ride. the roller coaster is a daily struggle that sometimes makes you wonder why you got on in the first place, but at the end of most days you are happy you did. the little things i took for granted before having kids are peanuts compared to the love they have brought into my life. (but i would still like to pee alone.) my two children have taught me what true love is and i will never, ever take that for granted. moreover, anything that can make an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom feel like a mini vacation is pretty powerful. in parenthood you prepare for the worst and hope for the best. so tonight i am preparing for monsters, but hoping for tea and crumpets. in the meantime, i choose to raise my wine glass...and just enjoy the ride.

remodel

i feel like the past coupla weeks i've been busier than jenna jameson's beaver. between work (kindergarten madness), my own kids (enough said), grad school (i had to write a 12! page paper due today) and everything else going on...i don't know my elbow from my asshole. although jack frost and his wintery ways typically slow things down a little, we have still been busy. in spite of all this, this past week we decided to remodel our upstairs bathroom. now i have stated before in other posts that my husband isn't a very handy man. (i must say, though, he has gotten better over the years.) my father, on the other hand, is one of the handiest men i know. therefore, there is some disconnect between the two of them in regard to this. although butch doesn't mind manual labor or handy man things, he sometimes lacks common sense that comes with that territory. for instance, one time our pipes froze and he went over to check the electrical box to see if he could "turn it back on." my dad was on the other end of the phone with me when this happened and when i explained what was going on he had a near seizure on the other end of the line. when he stopped laughing, all he could say was..."step away from the electrical box, butch." (it was excellent.) so anyway, i went out on monday and i got some paint and we got crackalackin on the bathroom.

my husband has two speeds...zero and 80. in a lot of ways he is an all or nothing guy. we happened to have a snow day (for an inch of snow) on tuesday, so he started painting. at no point did i say that the bathroom had to be done in any sort of time frame. again, lets be clear that there was no rush to get it done, however i couldn't help but notice that he was getting really wound up about it. while working and walking around the house he would sigh loudly and want me to notice his exasperation. (i ignored it. at first.) that night, i was cooking dinner downstairs and he came running (running) down the steps and out the back sliding door. i didn't bat an eyelash until he came running (running) back in the house with a chisel and ran back up the steps. (what the...!?) i immediately grabbed my phone to text my father. the text read as follows: "we started redoing the upstairs bathroom. warren decided to spray paint the fixtures INSIDE. he just came down looking frantic and ran back upstairs with a chisel. stay tuned." my dad replied back that he was ready for a good story. (aren't we all.) about 7 minutes later (literally 7), butch ran back downstairs and said, "TEXT YOUR DAD AND ASK HIM HOW TO GET SPRAY PAINT OFF OF TILE FLOOR!!!" (oh boy.)

after suppressing some laughter, i told him to chill the hell out and take a deep breath. i had no idea why he was acting like he was filming an episode of extreme home makeover and i said, "ty pennington is NOT going to be standing outside yelling MOVE. THAT. BUS!!! in a coupla days...chill OUT!" he's like, "well i want to get this DONE and i feel so RUSHED and now i spray painted all over the tile floor and it won't come up." (holy hell.) then he said after a minute of thought, "i think i'm going to just rip up all the tiles. how hard can it be to lay tile? text your dad." i yelped, "you are absolutely NOT ripping up the tiles!!" so i texted my dad and asked about how to get paint off of the floor instead and his answer was "gas"...to be clear, he wanted warren to soak a rag in gasoline and use it in the house on our bathroom floor. my husband has already had a little go around with gasoline in two separate ridiculous past incidents. one included him washing his poison ivy arm off with it IN THE HOUSE an hour before the girls birthday party. the other one happened when in an effort to get rid of old gasoline, he poured it DOWN OUR PIPES in the kitchen. so when my dad said, "gas." i just wrote back, "no." i told my husband that my dad said to use gasoline, but i didn't want him to do it because our house would then smell like a garage...not to mention the fact that we would be washing our floors with a FLAMMABLE SUBSTANCE?! now i was starting to get hyper like him and i didn't like it.

i told him we would worry about it when all the painting was done and in the meantime i gave him all sorts of colorful hell about why he didn't lay down a drop cloth and shit. wednesday the kids wanted to help him and he said okay. even though i knew this was a bad idea, i let it happen. i put them both in old t-shirts and sent them in to help their father. naturally there was a disaster when butch opened the paint and put the lid face up, so a few minutes into "helping" the kids both stepped on the lid and had paint all over their feet. (they thought this was funny.) he was dangling from a ladder and didn't notice the fact they were getting paint everywhere. when he realized it, he WIGGED out. (gray footprints all over. i woulda snapped a picture, but i didn't want to send warren into a tailspin.) after i put our paint covered children to bed, i went in there to help him...so that he wouldn't have a heart attack. i kept yelling, "MOVE THAT BUSSSS!!!" and calling him ty pennington. i asked him why he felt rushed or whatever, he stated that first of all, he needs this bathroom to shave and do his hair in the morning. he went on to tell me that he did it blindly that morning and went into work looking like rod stewart. (haha!) he also said this in regard to his hair, "i looked in the mirror when i got to work and i looked like a goddamn MAD SCIENTIST!" (i lost it.) then he said, "you could've at least told me i looked like that before i left the house!?" i said, "there are 23 other mirrors in the house (including one in your CAR)...you couldn't look at them!?" he shook his head, and yelped "i looked like ROD STEWART!"

he said the other reason he felt rushed was because he knows that if he didn't get it done in a timely manner, i (his wife) would bitch that it wasn't getting done. after some thought, i realized that this was a real possibility. (touche.) so we did finish the bulk of the painting that night and my favorite part was when i lifted to the top of the toilet off to paint behind it and made a loud noise. he had been hanging from a ladder, the noise startled him...after a loud gasp he nearly toppled to the floor. when i started laughing, he wasn't amused. i also serenaded him with rod stewart songs. (sorrybutnotsorry!) so finally saturday morning i went to target and got all the final touches for the bathroom. he ended up getting down on the floor friday night with a chisel, vinegar, and a magic eraser...he had to do each individual tile to get up the spray paint. (it took forever, but no flammable substances were needed.) after all was said and done, i have to say it looks pretty nice. tim the tool man did excellent work and now we all have a newly remodeled bathroom to enjoy. sorry to say that warren no longer will be going to work looking like a cross between a mad scientist and rod stewart. however, i will probably always be as busy as jenna jameson's beaver. here are some before and after shots for your perusal, but before you look....MOVE. THAT. BUSSSSS!!!!

before and after

 

ella's artwork was the perfect final touch!