now i'm not downplaying how "busy" he (thinks) is, because compared to high school when all you had to worry about was friday night football and homecoming court...college is harder. however, when you compare it to the "real world" it's like apples and oranges. (no comparison.) moral of the story? milk college for all it's worth...the real world sucks. (stepping off of soap box.) anyway, back to the twilight zone...so there he was, folding laundry and i nonchalantly said, "so how did it go today?" he replied, "really well! they were really good and stuff." i'm not going to lie, here...i was a little leery about leaving my little brother with my first and second born. this is not because i don't trust the kid, because i do. it's because my brother has a tendency to find trouble. (it searches him out.) sometimes he doesn't mean for it to happen, but it does. for instance, on monday afternoon i picked him up at my house so that he could surprise the kids at the sitter when i picked them up. (this was his idea, he loves those little ladies!) so he jumped in the car and i said, "so how was your trip down?" he was hesitant and said, "i did something really stupid. probably the stupidest thing i've ever done." when this came out of his mouth i gripped the steering wheel and played it off, but my mind was going a mile a minute. truth be told, my little bro has done a lot of stupid things in his day...being 11 years older than him, i was witness to most of these adventures. therefore when he said the statement i wrote above...i thought, "holy shit this going to be bad." i still stared straight ahead and told him to go on with his story.
he began, "so i got down here early and wanted to stop for a bite to eat and went to panera bread. i parked the car and got out and a lady approached me." i said, "what did she look like?" (i'm a visual person.) "welllll...she was a black lady, about 275 pounds, wearing overalls, those water type shoes...and she was missing a front tooth." (not judging, painting a picture here.) i said, "ok. so she came up to you?" he said, "yeah...and she asked me for a ride." pardon me, but my first thought was she was a prostitute. in today's world (unless you are in quite a pickle), you don't ask people for rides. mainly because people are crazy and you can't just be all hail to the hitchikers these days. (omg i sound so old.) i said, "a ride? a ride to where?" he went on, "well she said the gas station about 10 minutes away to pay a cab driver, but she was talking about her handicapped son and how he is sick and stuff...i felt really bad for her." at this point i was thinking, "PLEASE say you didn't give this woman a ride." he then he said, "i gave her a ride." i said, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! YOU CAN'T JUST PICK PEOPLE UP AND GIVE THEM RIDES AROUND HERE! WE AREN'T IN OUR HOMETOWN!" here's the thing, (in his defense) we are both from a small town and it really wouldn't be a big deal to give someone a ride if you were there. odds are you know the person or they know someone you know...so if they are going to chop you up into little pieces, someone will find out who it was. however, although my new town isn't a raving metropolis...you don' t just give strangers rides. (that was, in fact, a stupid thing to do.)
so anyway, he said he took her there and she told him her whole life story. (she was a farmer who cleans houses or something like that. that's what she said.) during her story, she was rifling around in a nike bag looking for something. my little brother thought it was a gun, so he thought it was a good idea to mention that he was in the police academy. (even thought he's not.) he thinks this is why she didn't pull a weapon on him. (oh good.) they made it to the destination and she handed the cab driver something (my guess is drugs)..then she got back in his car. she asked him for a ride somewhere else. he mentioned that he had to get back to see his nieces and ended up dropping her off at subway. (the restaurant.) she said she needed 6 dollars (for a footlong, maybe?) and my brother gave it to her. (she then left.) ok...so that's the end of the story. it could've ended so badly, but it didn't. however, i'm pretty sure it scared the shit out of him...cause he realized the clear and present danger here. i mean, he ended at subway with a sandwich but he could've ended up behind bars, in the backseat with a nike bag over his head, or on a backroad somewhere wtih a big, black woman making him her bitch. so like i said, when i arrived home the day that he watched the girls and everything was hunky dory (no trouble whatsoever)...i felt like i was entering a spaceship and speeding into the light. (the twilight.) he assured me that everything had gone fine, though, and the kids were happy when they woke up from their naps...so i just went with it. (well done, daisy!) after i got home, he quickly excused himself to go to the local gym for a workout and also said, "i now know why you run." (to escape, yes.) so he left and my kids went into full, "i'm going to punish you for going to work mode."
first they decided to play the game memory and began by fighting over one card. (the apple one.) that game has no less then 32 cards...but they were fighting over ONE OF THEM. (i wigged out.) i have no idea why kids do this. i actually had to take the apple card away from them, which sent both into a tailspin and minor tantrum. (for the love of...) then i got busy (adult busy, not college kid busy), making dinner and carrie was hiding behind the lazy boy in the living room. i spotted her and said, "carrie! are you pooping!" (she said, "YES!") "do you want to go on the potty!?" (she said, "NO!") so she stood there and shit her shorts while i made stuffed peppers. then i heard, "MOOMMMMEEEEE I'M DOOOOOONNEEE!" from upstairs. pretty sure ella wasn't up there making dessert so i said, "did you poop, too!?" she yelled down, "yep! i need you to wipe me please!" i just want to be clear that both kids WAITED until i got home from work to drop a deuce. all day i was praying that they would poop for their uncle and cause some problems, but karma was ready to bite me in the left breast as soon as i was in their presence. another kick in the baby maker was the fact that carrie slept until 8:30 that morning for my brother...EIGHT THIRTY! the day before (a glorious monday morning) she was up at 5:24am and was trying to reinsert herself in my vagina as i was trying to get ready for work. i really don't know how kids can pull these scams and shit off, but they are very good at it. (experts.)
so shortly after my bro came back from the gym, i had dinner on the table. we sat down family style, as we do every night and started talking. then there was a knock at the door. he jumped up to answer it and i was like, "just wait." i always look out the window first, because if it's somebody selling something i usually just smile and wave at them...and walk away. (whatever.) i don't know how door to door salesmen even exist anymore, cause anything you really want or need is at your fingertips with technology these days. (sounding old again.) if someone has to knock on your door to sell you something, you probably don't need it. (just sayin.) anyway, it was the UPS guy and i thought, "no way is he delivering weird beer again...that just happended." so i opened the door to find a box from proflowers. my brother eyeballed me and said, "ummm..are those from butch?" i said, "i hope so." so i opened the box and amongst the flowers the envelope said, "someone is thinking about you!" (seriously, twilight zone.) i don't know the last time warren has sent me flowers via mail. first of all, they are way expensive to send that way. (so i hope he had a coupon.) secondly, he never ever has sent them, "just because"...so i was really startled. i went out to the kitchen and put them in a vase and wondered if i was part of the truman show or some shit. like were there hidden cameras throughout my house to catch my reactions? first my college age brother who cleaned my house and was folding laundry and now "just because" flowers from my husband? (surely this is some type of show.)
so i spent tuesday in the twilight zone and all i could do was buckle up and enjoy the ride...kinda like the lady in the overalls. reality is that i'm trapped in the real world wondering how the hell i even got here, when i really want to be in the middle of a college campus somewhere yelling, "bring on the beer and ping pong!" as the nationwide insurance commercial states...life comes at you fast. just make sure you carefully choose the people that are coming along for the ride, because i'm pretty sure a toothless stranger standing outside of panera bread wearing water shoes shouldn't make the cut.
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