now listen, it isn't that i don't enjoy my husband's company. i mean for goddsakes of course i do...i wouldn't have married the man if i didn't. moreover, my parent's just celebrated their 36th wedding anniversary and i can't imagine doing anything for 36 years. (let alone actually liking another person.) however, when you spend all of your time with them, you fall into a routine that works for the both of you. (not just a routine that works for yourself.) therefore, for instance, when i am alone and can watch a bunch of episodes on food network instead of baitcar...i'm pretty pumped. one time i flipped on food network before he walked into the room and he gave me a hairy eyeball when he arrived. i said, "just watch this episode, they are making something really good." he sat down and flailed his arms at the screen and said (and i quote), "now this show would be really great if he just HOPPED out of the screen and served the food he just made to us. seriously i mean...it's such a tease. i can see it, but not smell it or taste it?! so stupid. i don't get why you watch it." this sent me into a tizzy. i was losing it laughing. however, there is something about the food network that i find soothing. plus, i get good tips and tricks about cooking and new recipes as well. (what's not to like?!) i reluctantly changed the channel to a dvr'd episode of dateline, which is a compromise show that we watch together at our house. it falls somewhere between baitcar and bobby flay.
i will say that even though i don't mind the fact that my husband is frolicking about in the woods this week, the kids and i haven't really been off to a good start. first of all, these were the following wake up calls from the kids over the weekend: saturday-5:19am. sunday-5:34am. however, we rolled around to monday and i shit you not it was like i was trying to shake awake two teenagers on summer break at 6:23am. (before the sitters.) both of them stared at me with a stink eye and i have to say...even though i don't like waking them up at that hour... i do get a bit of satisfaction when they aren't all bright eyed and bushy tailed. (hear me out...) for four years, one of both of them has had me up at ungodly hours. not only in the morning, but throughout the night. so pardon me if i like that they look a little pissed when i have to wake them up at the ass crack of dawn. two days prior, even though we did not have to get up for work (or anything!) they started their nonsense way earlier than normal. i really don't understand how kids do this. they don't have clocks in their room, nor a calendar. they don't have watches, nor even know how to tell the time. hell, at that hour the sun wasn't even up! so someone please tell me how they can decipher a saturday or sunday morning from a monday...cause i would really like to know.
alright, so backwoods butch made his way out the door and i gently shook awake laverne and shirley to head out the door to the sitters. the night before when we laid them down to bed i said, "did ella take a crap all weekend? i don't remember wiping her at all..." he said, "no, i think friday was the last one." so she arrived at the sitter that day and proceeded to take two massive dumps. they left such an impression on her caretaker that she felt the need to text me and tell me about these two massive loads. she also asked me what the hell ella ate all weekend. (everything. i think she is going through a growth spurt.) so after her nap ella said, "so i took two big poops at your house, right?" the sitter said, "yes..." she replied, "would you like a third!?" (i don't care who you are...that's funny.) i laughed out loud when i heard she said that. (she is not my child at all.) so later that night we were getting ready for bed and both kids were super tired. i had them in the tub and somewhere between the itsy bitsy spider song and elmo bubble bath...the two of them resorted to a splashfest towards each other. they were fighting for no reason. (so it seemed.) it escalated to the point of me yelling, "that's IT!!" (remember you mom saying that?) so i whisked both of them out of the bath and they were screaming like i was kidnapping them from a shopping mall. ("i swear to you they are my own, officer.") i managed to get both of them dressed in jammies and we walked downstairs to watch their bedtime show. (usually curious george, mickey mouse clubhouse...or that whiny bastard caillou.) it was then that ella turned to me and said, "where's my binky?"
i know. before you get all judgey and act like a total jerk towards me...i know that she is almost 4 and a HALF and that she should no longer be using a pacifier. (i know this.) i will say that we have put off the passing of the paci for quite some time. at this point she is only using it during sleeping situations, but i still know it's not right. she's given us some resistance about getting rid of it and most nights i just don't have the energy to fight with her. she explained to us, very rationally i might add, that she would, "give it up when she turns five. " (oh good...at least you won't have it in kindergarten.) likewise, she told us that she would, "use the potty when she turned four" and a couple weeks after that happened she did, in fact, start using the potty. she needed a little extra incentive for the poop...so i created a sticker chart that led to a (painful) trip to chucky cheese. after that, she was good to go. so when she said that she would, "give it up when she was five" i fully believed her. (the kid is no dummy.) however, i do know that she probably needs a little extra push at this point because her pacifier is like percocet. (addicted.) so monday night (first night without warren) when she said, "where is my binky?" i went to the diaper bag that we send to the sitter's everyday and looked. it wasn't there. i freaked out a little bit, but figured there was one around the house somewhere. in the meantime she turned into a raging toddler psycho and was yelling on the top her lungs that i, "BETTER FIND HER BINKY!!!!!!" (she was acting like i was hanging dora with a shoelace and making her watch.) i started yelling back and telling her to calm (the hell) down!...but she wasn't having it. after a few hail mary's i found one...under the futon. (phew.)
i'm not going to lie...i breathed a sigh of relief over finding that extra binky, because i didn't want to deal with her rath that night or any night this week that warren wasn't here. i wasn't going to endure that pain alone. (oh hell no.) i once read an article entitled, "you know you have a toddler when..." here is an excerpt that both my husband i found hilarious: "you know you have a toddler when you hate your spouse a little. toddlers can destroy your marriage if you let them. the stress of living in an insane asylum with a child who makes you want to fall on your own sword will take a toll on your personal relationship. people with out toddlers of their own will not understand how someone so cute can make you want to be single and living in a studio apartment with only a bottle of jose cuervo to keep you company, but this is the truth. do your best to not let you little cock block tear your love life apart. you don't actually hate your spouse, it just feels like it because you hate your life. remember: you are in a war zone. you need back up." i couldn't have written this better myself. so you can see why i want to share the pain of the "binky fairy" coming?! i'm not doing that shit alone, people. he is also going down it the ship. (sorry!) so anyway, i put both kids down to bed after the binky debacle and was all wound up to watch food network alone in the living room, without anyone to wonder why i am watching it. (wine was also involved.)
even though i had grand plans of staying up later than the norm (9pm), i went to bed quite early that night. it is quite weird climbing into bed without warren...i mean, he's always there. sleeping next to him is something like sleeping with a hibernating bear. he's warm, he's hairy, and he hardly moves. i do get a little nervous about staying alone, because i don't know what the hell i would do if someone broke in the house or some shit like that. (i watch too much dateline.) so at 12:28pm when the bathroom light flicked on...i was startled awake but remained completely still in the bed. in that moment i was sure that an intruder was in my house and was going to murder my children and i very violently. surely if an intruder would break in, the first thing he would do is flick on the light and take a piss. (logical.) after a minute i heard little footsteps and then the toilet paper, so i knew it was ella. (not an intruder.) i still didn't move because i wanted her to go back to bed after using the bathroom and not start asking me questions. she turned the light back off and it took me a good hour and a half to get back to sleep. i'd say about 2:33am i went back into dream land and about a half hour later i heard, "maaaaammmaaaa! maaaaaamaaaa!" across the hall. (carrie.) kids have the uncanny ability with their timing. i had just gotten back to sleep and she woke me back up. (how do they know!?) i brought her over to my bed for a snuggle and then back to her bed. (see you in a couple hours, sucker!) i didn't sleep well the rest of the night, but managed to oversleep the alarm by 20 minutes. (stellar start to a tuesday.)
i somehow made it out the door not too many minutes late. so that's how tuesday started...and it ended with me upstairs bathing the kids. ella gently laid her blanky and binky on the futon before we went up stairs and we were up there for about a half hour. low and behold when we came back down...i almost screamed. the binky...(the very last binky in the house) was laying on the floor. the entire nipple was chewed off and i looked over to see the dog looking rather sheepish. to be clear...the dog ATE the last binky in the house while i was bathing the kids upstairs. (i can't make this shit up.) after two nights with binky debacles, i took this as a sign that the gig is up with the portable nipples. i had a long talk about it with ella and surprisingly she took it pretty well. (she didn't act like i was hanging dora, anyway.) i knew she would probably wake up in the middle of the night, which she did. so did carrie. (mmmaaaaamaaaa!) butch is out of town so these two are going to bring. the. pain. this week. they both ended up in bed with me. carrie was gently draped over my breasts with her hand against my face and ella was inserted in my anal cavity. (so sweet.) i didn't sleep much at all. so here we are on night three of no warren and i take back whatever i said about wanting some alone time...because truth be told, when you have kids there is never any "real" alone time. (ever.) right before bedtime ella turned to me with the sweetest little voice i've ever heard and said, "i would give ANYTHING for just one. more. night. with my binky. just one more night." (percocet.) pretty sure that means she is going to wake up again.
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| laverne and shirley |
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