daycare

yesterday morning, i spent 4 hours with 4 kids that were all under the age of 4. i think it's safe to say that at about 4 o'clock yesterday i needed about 4 (HUNDRED) glasses of wine. (holy. hell.) quite seriously, my daycare provider is my new hero. i'm not being sarcastic, i'm not joking...she should be wearing a goddamn cape and a shirt with a large S on it when i arrive tomorrow morning. (it would be appropriate.) now i know, i'm a kindergarten teacher...so i spend most of my days with many more than  just 4 children, who are all young as well. should've been easy, right? (WRONG.) school is more structured, the kids are more independent, and they don't all simultaneously start pooping their pants at the same time. (this really happened.)

the suspects: prior to the pandemonium.

my friend needed someone to watch her kids for a few hours in the morning, a favor if you will. i didn't even hesitate and said, "yeah! bring 'em over...the more the merrier!" (i may have had a few beverages before stating this so boldly.) she showed up early saturday morning, a toddler and a baby in tow and we were just finishing up breakfast. she has two boys, a 2 year old and a 1 year old. (almost exactly the same ages as my two chickadees.) so in they came and out she went...and then the fun began. ella started acting like a complete sass pants as soon as they got there. i kid you not, i think she thought our house morphed into a castle and she was now the queen. she started bossin' everyone around, throwing fits, not sharing her toys and just driving me bonkers in general. also, everything i told her to do, she thought it would be awesome to just do the opposite. (i missed the opposite day memo.) she had 4 time outs in about 40 minutes. (and then another one shortly after when she stuck her tongue out and blew raspberries in my face to be funny.)

when things started to get really rowdy in the house...like really loud and obnoxious, butch suddenly started to find things to do outside of the house. (typical man.) all of a sudden, the grass needed to be mowed. he had to run to ace hardware. he needed to clean out ella's sandbox and add fresh sand. like shit that he really didn't have to do, but chose to do so that he could escape the madness. (two can play that game, fool.) while he was outside "mowing the grass", i got the two 2 year olds dressed and sent them both into the backyard to play. i waved at him from the window and he was staring at me. (suckaaa!) meanwhile, i had the two babies inside. neither of them are walking, but they are in the pull up on everything and then topple to the floor and smash your skull stage. (it was really fun.) i gasped about 23 times as they were teetering all over the place. i almost wanted to go out and buy them helmets so that neither of them would get hurt.

fingerprints: inside. dog saliva: outside.

aside from their drunken sailor routine, they both put everything into their mouths. you have to watch them like a hawk so that they don't ingest anything they aren't supposed to. (carrie had an entire pearl necklace in her mouth the other day. no big deal.) babies also don't have good social skills, so at one point one of them picked up a remote and ramshackled the other one over the head with it. (for the love of....) screams galore. and then oh, the sympathy screams from the other one. butch came inside during the middle of this charade, diverted eye contact with me...and walked right back outside. i flipped him the bird behind the babies backs. i walked out to the kitchen, looked out the sliding glass door and saw the 2 year old little boy...PEEING on our grill. pants down, penis out...just goin' to town. i opened the door and yelled to butch, did you tell him to pee there!? he said, "NO! what!? pee where?!" i said, "ON THE GRILL!?" the little boy turned around and sheepishly smiled at me. i couldn't snap a picture fast enough, but i wish i would've. (senior yearbook material.)

queen ella then decided that her and her jolly jester needed to come inside. they joined me, moe and curly in the living room. and then, i kid you not...3 out of the four decided it was a delightful time to take a dump. one kid on the potty, the 2 babies crappin' their diapers. all at the same time. (synchronized shitting.)  i looked at the clock and realized that it was only 9:17am. i also realized that i was in need of a stiff drink. ella (who is still not potty trained) was super interested in what was going on in the bathroom...and her two year old cronie was happy to explain. he was in mid movement and i heard him say, "see, it's tummin' out ella! see it!" i turned around, and ella was leaning over looking at the toddler's tush as he pushed a out a turd. (oh my god.) i exclaimed, "alright, ella let's leave him alone...let's give him some privacy." she screamed, "no!! i watch him poop right now!! i like to watch him poop!" (vodka. now.) aside from the poop, all of them had runny noses...between the 4, they could've filled a swimming pool with their snot. (so gross.)

after the toddlers got done drawing on the bay window with crayons and one of the babies ate a crayon,  they decided that they wanted mac and cheese for lunch. (lunch of children champions.) i whipped out a box of kraft and to the toddlers in that moment, i was martha stewart. they were pumped. butch was now laying comfortably on the couch at this point and he yelled out to the kitchen, "i got that box for TWENTY FIVE CENTS! with a COUPON!" (yeah, yeah.) i was stirring the noodles and nodding at him. (plotting his death.) i then looked down to see that one of the babies threw up on the floor, crawled away...and our dog was licking it up. (i gagged.) lunch went off without a hitch, and the kraft was fit for a queen. ella said, "it is just so good." (oh, i'm glad.) in the next breath she told butch that she was really "franky." (cranky.) repeat this 23x. "i'm franky. so franky. i'm franky." (we get it.) you aren't the only one that is FRANKY.

i took the two boys home around noon. i arrived back to the house...it smelled like one giant asshole and it looked like a lego bomb exploded in every room. suddenly, two children seemed like a breeze. (even if one is a diaper diva and the other eats nonedibles.) i learned a coupla of things yesterday. 1. although i love children, i would not like to run a daycare. 2. we don't pay our sitter near enough for what she does. 3. if i had four children under the age of 4 that were all my own...it's safe to say i'd be in the betty ford clinic by the time they all ended up in kindergarten. so kudos to you daycare providers and moms with multiples. at 4 o'clock yesterday, i raised my glass to you...several times over. shortly after this, i opened my windows to air out my giant asshole of a house and then showered to get all the snot off of me. just another day in paradise.