waiting

yesterday i had yet another doctor appointment. after many, many of these i've learned that there is a certain 'waiting room' etiquette that you follow. it goes something like this...walk in the door,  check in with the receptionist, grab a magazine, sit down and shut the hell up. that's it. it's very simple...well, very simple for most people. i walked in friday afternoon, and there was a sea of pregnant women...and one man. (the waiting room was packed.) the only seat that was available was next to this man, so knowing the drill...i checked in with the receptionist, grabbed a magazine and sat down next to him. i silently opened my People magazine (oh how i love catching up on celebrity gossip) and proceeded to wait to hear my name to be called by the nurse. i usually enjoy the extreme quiet of the waiting room. (as opposed to the constant babble in my classroom and my house...)

just as i was getting into the article about angelina and brad making a movie together...a lady within my eyesight started talking. talking very loudly. almost yelling, really...in a raspy "i'm not so intelligent but i don't know it" voice. i also need to mention she was rather heavy set, had grease ball hair pulled back in a ponytail, was wearing a stained gray oversized t-shirt (no bra...boobs akimbo), and a pair of baggy gray sweatpants. on her feet were teva-like sandals...and mismatched socks. at first, she was squawking to a child that was sitting next to her telling her to "sit down and shut the hell up." (those were her exact words) the little girl then hit her, and she cried out, "don't hit me you little monkey! don't do it!" i tried to make eye contact with a few of my pregnant pals around the room, everyone was afraid to look up. so i turned directly to the guy who was sitting next to me...we made eye contact and i made a "is this really happening?" face. he started laughing (outloud), shoulders shaking up and down, and couldn't get his shit together. i have found that i have a gift with my facial expressions and comments and can make people laugh...especially in awkward situations. (this was one of those moments.) the poor guy tried to hide behind his magazine, but he wasn't doing a very good job.

after a few minutes, he stopped laughing, i went back to my magazine...and this lady just. wouldn't. stop. i can't recall all of the ridiculousness that was spewing out of her mouth, but i do remember some. at one point her daughter (poor thing) asked her why she didn't have many of her teeth. (yes, this really happened) she bellowed out, 'well because i hate the dentist and that guy can go screw himself if he thinks i'm paying money to clean and fix these! i only have 24 left! 24 teeth! that's it!" her daughter said, "24 sounds like a lot!" she yelled back, "well, it's enough...but it's not all of them...i think you are supposed to have like 36 or something!" (32, but good try...) everyone in that waiting room was feeling really uncomfortable at this point. i (on the other hand) thought it was hilarious, and kinda live for awkward moments such as these...but i was afraid to get the guy next to me going again, because i thought this big loud broad might stand up and pummel him.

after her extra loud banter with the 5 year old, she was scanning the room looking for someone (anyone) to talk to. as i was staring at brad pitt's yummy face, i felt her staring at me. i thought...no way sister, i'm not climbing aboard your pain train. (no way in hell.) i hid. she then grabbed the attention of  a victim that was sitting directly across from her. i'm not sure how the conversation started, but her victim said she was a teacher and she deals with children everyday, and she was so proud of the little girl for sitting so nicely. (i believe she said this because of the 'sit down and shut the hell up' comment said previously by the mother. it was a dig, but the loudmouth mother didn't get it.) the little girl then started dancing around and the mom called the little girl a "monkey" again...but this time it was a "cappuccino" monkey. (i'm no zoologist, but i know damn well there is no such thing as a cappuccino monkey.) the teacher then said, "i believe it is called a cappuchin monkey...not a cappuccino monkey." the lady yelled, "well whatever the hell it is! she's acting like a goddamn monkey!! a goddamn monkey!!"

she then barked..."well, this brings me to a story!" (in my head i was thinking..this. is. going. to. be. good.) ...did you ever see the one on america's home videos? the one with that monkey?!?" the teacher said, "no, i don't know which one you are referring to." "WELLLLLLL...(really loud now)....this monkey, is sitting on this branch and he reaches around (oh lord.) and sticks his finger in his BUTT!!! RIGHT IN HIS BUTT!!" (oh but there's more...) "and THENNNN he SMELLS HIS FINGER AND HE MAKES A FACE AND HE FALLS RIGHT OFF OF THE BRANCH THAT HE WAS SITTING ON!!!" she then proceeded to crack the hell up...i mean, belly buster, head back, 24 teeth showing, laughing her ass off. the teacher didn't laugh. at all. (everyone else in the room was either clearing their throat or pretending they were really engrossed in their magazine.) when she saw the teacher wasn't laughing, she said, "DID YOU HEAR ME?!" and proceeds to repeat the story, louder and more obnoxious the second time. just as she got to "smells his finger...." the nurse came out and called "Joy!?" with that..the fantastically foul woman leaped out of her seat and said, "THAT'S ME!!!!!!!!" (i also love that her name was Joy...there was not one goddamn joyful thing about her.)

as she got up and walked into the rear part of the office...i threw my head back, just as the guy next to me did the same. i uttered, "praise jesus" just as he said, "thank god" simultaneously...and the whole waiting room burst into laughter. (there was a palpable sense of relief in that room that that woman was gone.) the guy looked at me and said, "if you would've made one more face at me, i would've lost it and would've had to leave this room." i said, "i was kinda hoping you would, but i didn't want her to pummel you like a raging cappuccino monkey." he couldn't breathe from laughing...my work here was done. the waiting room then went back to it's normal waiting room ways...people quietly engrossed in their magazines, waiting for their names to be called. (no one saying a word. complete silence.) it had been 30 glorious minutes of sweatpants sally blurting out her fantastic, vocal violation of the ears and mind...and i loved every minute of it.