tantrums

so today is our last day of spring break and we decided to go for a leisurely lunch at cheesecake factory. leisurely being the key word and ultimate goal here. we left our house about 11:30, which apparently turned out to be dangerously close to naptime. (first mistake) as we nestled into our oversized booth, the waitress (a perky blonde, who was about my age...but wearing braces) asked us if we would like a high chair or a booster seat. "ah, what the hell, let's try the booster seat," i said. (second mistake) at first, ella was pumped about her maiden voyage with the booster seat, sitting on it like she was the queen of sheba. we were oohhhing and aaahhhing at her for the first 5 minutes telling her what a 'big girl' she was. (i'm pretty sure at this point, she was plotting her next stunt.)

the food came. after a few bites of french fries, the queen decided the throne was a bad choice and she wanted to bounce around the booth like ping pong ball. she was up and down, hanging off of butch's head like a hat,wiping her greasy fingers all over his shirt, knocking down the salt and pepper shakers...which then sent her into an extreme sneezing fit due to the black specks all over her hands. people were starting to stare. at that point, i said, "do you want to come and sit with mommy?" (third mistake) she shook her head yes and before butch could grab her, stepped ON TOP OF the table and climbed over it godzilla style...stepping directly on my sandwich and knocking over my cup of fries. after i grabbed her she began pawing for my iced tea, simultaneously dipping the spilled fries in ketchup and licking the ketchup off yelling YUM. YUM. YUM. loud enough for anyone in a 10 foot radius to hear.

prior to this, i would see children behaving like this at restaurants and say, "my child will never, ever act like THAT!" (um, newsflash sister...your first born is acting like THAT.) after i got ketchup smeared on my dress for the fourth time, i took the fries away and calmly said, "that's enough." this sent her into a tailspin. she started yelling "NONONONONO!" (all the while fighting me like a rape victim.) she was punching me in the jugular, gauging at my eyeballs, and throwing herself around. first major tantrum, in public. (it was lotsa fun.) there were plenty of people staring now and i felt like mother of the year. blond brace face came back and said over ella's screams, "um, would you like the check now?" (i wanted to yell back (as i had my child in a headlock)...yeah, pumpkin, that would be spectacular. do you also have a tranquilizer gun in the back you could bring me?) i know other parents were probably sympathetic with the whole situation, but i'd be willing to guess there were people like my former self saying, "my child will never, ever...."

thank god as we walked out of the restaurant, pigtailed princess in pink had gotten herself under control. (i almost felt that we should all take a bow and ask the people around us if they enjoyed the show.) in the parking lot, i turned to butch and said, "well, that was fun...." he said, "fun!? fun for who? that was about as fun as getting a tooth pulled!" note to self (and other parents)...never underestimate your child (and their behavior), because they will make a liar out of you every. single. time.

liar, liar...pants on fire.

so much for a leisurely lunch. fail.