i wandered into the bathroom, slightly bewildered, and started straightening my hair. as i stood there i got a little lookie loo at myself in the mirror and thought, "holy hell...i look like i'm getting ready for a casting call for the walking dead." i was physically shaking when butch got out of the shower and he said, "what the hell is wrong with you!?" i said, "i'm so cold!" he said, "well you are wearing a tank top and underwear right now so that might be part of the problem!" i yelped back that i always wear this garb in the morning and don't typically look like i have parkinson's disease while i am doing my hair! (normal morning convos). so halfway through the straightening process i aborted mission...cause i thought i was going to pass out. i emailed my principal, put in for a sub, and went back to bed. in the meantime, my husband fed the kids breakfast and hopped out the door. therefore, i had to muster up some motherhood superpowers in order to get them dressed and to school. i did (somehow). as i crawled back under the covers, i laid there thinking about how i should be so excited about staying in bed all day...and really i just wanted to be at work! i had so many fun things planned for friday lessons and was disappointed i didn't get to do them. as the day went on, i tried to get out of bed several times, but it didn't go well (stumbling and shit). finally, after searching the goog for flu symptoms and seeing that i had a multitude of them, i decided to head to the minute clinic.
driving was a little dicey and of course i showed up right as "patricia" (the PA) was heading out to lunch. i sat there waiting, sweating profusely....and plotting patricia's death. i don't have a primary care physician, mainly cause in the 10 years i've lived here i have never gotten legit sick. (i know, i still need one.) i knew, though, that there was probably a flu swab, like a strep swab, so she would be able to tell me if i had it or not. i described my symptoms and she said, "do you have a shirt on under your sweatshirt?" (come again?) i said yes. then she said, "can you remove your sweatshirt, cause it will make the exam easier?" i said sure...but warned patricia that i was not wearing a bra. she played it off, but i think boobs akimbo was more than she was bargaining for in that visit. anyways, i removed my hoodie, hit myself nearly in the eye with my breast, and she began to take my blood pressure. i had popped a bunch of advil before i went, just so i didn't get the shakes from the fever, but when she took my temp it was still 102. (whew). she asked what i did for a living, if i had kids, and all the other pleasantry questions one can ask while staring at your braless wonder of a body. she took the swab from my nasal cavity (very uncomfortable, i might add) and then set the timer. she stated that she had never had someone come into the clinic with the flu while she worked there, so she really didn't think i had it. (ok then). the timer beeped and she swung around...and gasped. then immediately put on a mask. (wtf!? are medical professionals supposed to gasp?) so i said, "well i guess i have it." she shook her head yes.
afterwards, patricia read me the riot act about being in bed for 7-10 days, taking off work next week...and canceling any and all christmas plans (easy, PATTY!) i didn't know whether to laugh or cry in that moment, but when she passed me a mask to put on...i knew she was for serious. so i called my husband to let him know my predicament and he thought i was making it up (i assure you i am not). i asked him kindly to pick up some gatorade, soup, and my prescription. he obliged...and then flew in the door with it freaking out about how it all cost FORTY-SEVEN dollars and he thought it was ridiculous! (no coupons for CVS that day) then, he picked up the kids and shoved them in the door and went to the gym (men.) meanwhile, i'm in bed part flu victim part mental patient cause i can't move and he's gone. i think the girls knew the severity of my illness due to my mask covered mouth. i had a courageous conversation with butch about how i can't be expected to take care of a hamster, let alone two children at this point. he came home and realized i was not faking when he took one look at me (seriously, walking dead actress in the making). as i laid here in bed the past two days, i question my mental well being until this influenza is gone. one thing though, i'm glad it's me and not my kids...if they get it i will be devastated. although i love all things holiday, the flu doesn't usually factor into that equation. wishing you all a happy, HEALTHY, holiday season. hopefully muhammad ali doesn't sneak in your bedroom during the next week in the middle of the night and give you the one/two punch, nor do you have to wear a mask. may your days be merry and bright...and i mean that in the least sarcastic way possible.
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