dentist

so...i have a confession to make and it's kind of embarrassing, but i share everything else so why not this. here goes...with the exception of once last week, i haven't been to the dentist in 16 years. (SIXteen years.) although i am chock fulla excuses, this is what happened. i had an appointment to get my wisdom teeth out when i was seventeen and then got mono. (the kissing disease.) however, i didn't get the disease the fun way, i got it from someone else's water bottle at a soccer game in high school. (go figure.) so anyway, the appointment got cancelled, i soon went away to college, got a job, got married, birthed children...and my teeth took somewhat of a backseat. (priorities.) so flash forward 16 years and i was in a hotel room waking up from a wedding that took place two weeks ago...and i was in PAIN. my mouth, my jaw, even my ear was hurting at this point, and it wasn't being helped by the horrendous headache i had from imbibing in alcoholic beverages the night before. simply put, it felt like satan himself was shoving a firey sword into my gum and the side of my face. i rolled over and whined to warren, who was pretty much incoherent at this time. so i popped some advil and hoped when it wore off the pain would be magically gone. (it wasn't.)

welp, the pain did not subside...and it actually got worse. in the back of my mind, i knew a wisdom tooth was the culprit, but i was really nervous about going to the dentist. however, fen talked so highly of her dentist, that i decided to go there. my husband has a dentist, but fen went there originally and thinks that she's a total scammer. fen said the only reason warren goes there is because his dentist has big breasts and shoves them in his face. (for the love of...) so anyway, i decided to go with fen's dentist because she said, "he is super nice and reminds me of a friend we both had back home." (let's call him brent, because that's the friend that he reminds us of.) so i call brent's office and make an appointment with amy, the receptionist. the earliest i could get in was that thursday. from sunday to thursday i was basically like a spitting cobra. (so uncomfortable.) mouth pain is no joke. i was popping advil like eminem on oxycontin. (it was bad.) on thursday i walked in the office, still nervous, and basically it's a small house remodeled to be a dentist office. amy leaped up from her seat and said, "welcome to the practice!! here is the paperwork you need to fill out!" (shit. she's talking in exclamation points.) one of the questions on the paperwork was, "when is the last time you saw a dentist?" i wrote "1999...don't judge me" on the form and hoped for the best. afterwards, they handed me a "welcome gift" that included a reusable grocery bag...and a beer cozy embroidered with their namesake. (really.) meanwhile, fen is texting me furiously telling me i better let them know she referred me. (easy, fen.)

when i was done the paperwork, i stood up to hand it in and another girl (i didn't catch her name) said i would be going on a tour and then to my exam room. (a tour?!) the house could have been made for goldilocks (so small), so there i was basically standing in a short hallway as she was pointing to each room. (a tour.) after the tour was over (took about 2 minutes), she settled me in the exam chair. a few seconds later our high school friend lookalike walked in behind her. brent exclaimed, "so it seems we have a JOKESTER on our hands!" (i was confused.) he went on..."don't worry, i'm not judging you about the last time you were at the dentist!" (oh that.) we talked about my mouth for a while and then he did the exam. he said...let me ask you something, "do you eat a lot of popcorn?" i said, "yes...and i like to eat a lot of nuts. i like nuts." he looked up from his clipboard with one eye and smirked. (jesus christ.) i mean..."i eat almonds almost everyday." he said while smiling, "got it." i recently told a coworker about this convo and she said, "shit, you eat sausage for lunch and nuts, too...go butch!" (then she threw her head back and laughed.) brent talked in all this dental mumbo jumbo for a while about my teeth and then sent me with the technician to get a panoramic x-ray of my grill. they asked me if i might be pregnant (um no.)...and then told me to stand still and bite down on this stick. the camera whirred around my head like a spaceship and i was standing there feeling kind of stupid. then the nice lady sent me back to my chair and they projected a picture of my teeth up on a big tv screen in the room. this is what i saw:

so...he starts with, "nothing out of the ordinary here, except when we see this." he pointed to the bottom left tooth and said, "this is what is causing you the pain." i turned my head completely sideways and said, "is that...my wisdom tooth!?...why the hell did it grow that way?!" he smiled, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "it got lazy." now hold the goddamn phone here...i have heard of lazy eyes and shit...but a lazy TOOTH!? am i in the twilight zone? after some laughter and brent telling me his life story, he explained the history of wisdom teeth to me. (that happened.) he also handed over a referral for an oral surgeon and told me to come back after the extraction of my four teeth had healed. he said (and i quote), "...and don't just use me for the referral, come back for a cleaning and stuff. i mean, it's been SIXTEEN YEARS...it's time." (i said don't judge me, dude.) alright, so i come home and tell butch the whole story and he thinks this surgery is going to be comparable to a recent root canal he's had. (just no.) it's like the time that he compared childbirth to his hernia surgery. listen, pal, if you suddenly house 2 human beings for almost a year and then violently shoot them out of your fun place...we can talk turkeys. until then, do not compare ANYTHING you went through to childbirth. (you will lose.) 

so anyway, i scheduled the surgery to happen soon...and i'm scared as shit. as stated above, i had two kids come out of my lady parts, but i think i'm more scared for this surgery. (does that even make sense!?) i also told my husband i've never been sedated before and i'm worried i won't wake up. he told me (rightfully so) to stop being so dramatic. suddenly, though, in my early thirties i realize that i need to make my teeth a priority. with the recent addition of not one but TWO blow up pools and a trampoline to our backyard, we are dipping dangerously close to hillbilly deluxe status. if i start losing teeth, i'll complete the package deal. i'm guessing i'm not the only person in the world that is kinda afraid of the dentist, however, i'm glad i went with fen's suggestion...and went with brent over butch's big breasted lady. i'm curious as to what treats the oral surgeon's office holds on monday for my consultation. (another beer cozy, perhaps?)  i'll be sure not to mention to the oral surgeon gene that i like to eat nuts. (son of a...) meanwhile, i will be relaxing with my lazy tooth, boxed wine in hand, as my two little redneck ladies swim in their highly luxurious inflatable pool in the backyard. (holy hillbillies, man!) embracing the fact that i'm welcoming this summer with the experience of going to the dentist for the first time in 16 years, then soon after getting my wisdom teeth extracted as an adult...i mean, it can only get better from here. satan and his firey mouth sword are surely no match for me. summer here we come.