cupcakes

so three monumental things are happening all this week with my first born. to begin, on monday she attended her last day ever with the at home babysitter she has had since birth. secondly, she turned 5 (FIVE!) on tuesday. lastly, she will graduate (cue commencement music) from preschool tomorrow. all three things make me profoundly happy and profoundly sad...all at the same time. i remember thinking when she was a baby that i had to take her to a sitter for 5 whole years before she would start school, and thinking about that then...it seemed like an eternity. motherhood caught me off guard in lots of ways, but just the sheer amount of attention and time newborns take up threw me for a loop in the beginning. plus, having a newborn and a full time job was daunting. i remember being TERRIFIED the first day i went back to work. i remember hoping i made sure i packed every last thing in the diaper bag, that she had adequate formula, that she wouldn't miss me too much during the day. i remember her screaming in the car that first time i had to wake her and take her to the sitter...and i remember sitting in the car crying that morning thinking about how i wanted to just quit my job and stay at home with her instead. just as suddenly as these things overwhelmed me, they passed just as quickly. here i am 5 years later with a near future kindergartner and i can't believe it.

the day we brought her home from the hospital.

when carrie came into the mix, i felt like i had things down pat. (using that loosely) i had two years under my belt by that time, but what i didn't expect was how much more WORK it would be to have two. one seems like a cake walk compared to two. three? three sounds like a nightmare in my book...when they start to out number you, you are in a shit ton of trouble. anyways, each progressive year, things got faster and faster and now that things are easier in a lot of ways...i really just want time to slow down. ella said to me monday in the car, "i can't WAIT to be five tomorrow! i can't WAIT!" i said, "what's so great about five that you couldn't do at four?" she said, "i can go to kindergarten." (touche.)....and "i won't be afraid of bugs anymore." (okay then.) however, do you remember being a kid and always wishing for the next big birthday? (i do.) i remember being 8 and couldn't wait to be 10. 10 and couldn't wait to be 13. 13 and couldn't wait to be 16. it went that way until i was 21...and then the "couldn't wait" for the next year stopped happening. i mean, i still enjoyed my birthdays, but i never said, "i CAN'T WAIT to be 33!" (oh hell no.) so as ella enters year 5 of her life, i want her to know she can and should wait for the next years to come, because they will come far too fast and she will be suddenly missing memories that she never thought she'd miss. (or maybe that's just me)

furthermore, being around children (my own and my school kids) all the time is something i never take for granted. i believe it keeps me young in a lot of ways and i often question when we lose that sense of excitement and wonder with the world. for example, i took ella to school with me on her birthday to hang out with other 5 and 6 year olds who were celebrating field day. the kids went through 7 different relay races (including the potato sack!) and the joy and laughter throughout the morning was just awesome. (even in 90 degree heat!) the night before, ella helped me make cupcakes (move over betty crocker) to share with the kids at school. she said, "i want blue cupcakes with orange icing." (wtf?) i said okay. as she and carrie helped me bake, each part of the process was like mind blowing for them. from pouring the oil to cracking the eggs, it was all exciting. finally, they were my taste testers and i haven't heard them that quiet all week. (silence and shoving them in their mouths.) as she was licking her lips she said simply, "cupcakes make me happy." (her little sister shook her head) then, when i broke these bad boys out at school, the kids lost their minds. have you ever seen kids around cupcakes!? (they go apeshit.) anyways, they sang happy birthday to her with gusto and then they dug in. each one made it a point to tell me how good they were. i'm not going to quit my day job or anything, but it cost me $4.79 to make 24 cupcakes, my kids helped, and it was EASY. i ended up making 24 more the next night for her preschool (pink this time, as per her request.) look at me...being all domestic and shit.

so as ella graduates from preschool tomorrow and i wrap up my own school year...it is bittersweet. never did i think that i would be sad that i don't have to take her to the sitter anymore. never did i think i would be sad upon her turning five. never did i think i would be sad she was graduating preschool. i will miss little things like hearing her little voice conversing with her sister in the backseat of the car in the morning. hearing her say she "couldn't wait!" to be five made me remember what it felt like to be a kid and wishing for more years. seeing her posing in a cap a gown made me realize just how fast these years are flying and will continue to fly. before i know it, she will be graduating from high school in a cap and gown and who knows what the hell i will be writing about by then. (probably gray hair and saggy boobs.) when i was in the depths of newborn hell and headed into the reign of toddler terror with both kids, i didn't realize then just how quickly that time would pass. here i am with a three and a five year old little girls that are rapidly turning into young ladies, and things are so much easier than they were a few short years ago. i can breathe again, but suddenly (and randomly) become sad about the babies that are left behind. i am reminded this week to enjoy each laugh, cherish each (horrible) harmonica serenade, and hold dear the memories that these kids have given me over the past 5 years. most importantly, to remember to find joy in something as simple as a cupcake...because sometimes in life that's all you really need to be happy.