winter

pardon my french, but old man winter can...SUCK A FAT ONE. (you know i'm serious, cause i actually used caps lock for once.) i can't be the only person that shares this sentiment. i'm over winter and all the crap that comes along with it. i'm especially over the sickness. my kids have been sick for like two months straight (give or take). every time one of them gets better, the other one comes down something...they just pass shit back and forth. i started this week with a doctor visit on monday, and ended it with a doctor visit on friday. both days, the waiting room was packed and it was filled with miserable parents (such as myself) who just want their kids to get better already. on monday, i had some time to kill before picking up prescriptions at the pharmacy...so i decided to take the kids for ice cream. due to the below zero temps, we were the only people in the place. (this turned out to be a good thing.) as we sat down at a table, ella made it about 5 minutes before she accidentally injured herself. did you ever notice that toddlers are always falling, sometimes for no reason at all? it's like they are just getting used to their new found motor skills and can't quite get a handle on them. anyway, she was sitting on the chair and at about the 4th bite of ice cream, she somehow flipped out of her chair and landed on the hard tile floor...on her HEAD.

i shot out of my seat and ran over, picked her up, and checked for blood over the screams. she was going f'ing nuts. i don't know how other people's kids react when they get hurt, but my kid gets PISSED. she doesn't get pissed at herself, though, she gets pissed at whatever caused her pain. in this case, she blamed the chair and the tile floor. she started yelling, "that chair is soooooo BAD! IT'S BAAAAD!! aaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!!" i noticed a large goonie on her head starting to form, as the young girl emerged from the back of the shop and said, "is everything alright out here?" (no.) i said, "yes, she just fell out of the chair...she'll be okay." ella was legitimately losing her mind and the girl looked startled, she was looking at me like i pushed my child out of the chair on purpose. then she said, "um, can i get you anything?" (adoption papers?) i told her we would just take our ice cream to go. carrie started sympathy screaming as we walked towards the door. i was so glad at that point we were the only people in the place. i had one kid on my hip and the other one was hanging off of my leg...both were acting like they were possessed by something unworldly. we went from smiles to screams in 10 minutes flat in that place. par for the course when you are dealing with little kids.

so that was monday and we made it through the week without many incidents. my (super fabulous) sitter kept my sick kids during the day. i told her outright that i don't know how she does it. believe me when i tell you that going to work was the better option here. they were both whiny, snotty, pooping their pants, and generally pissed off. and the thing with the little one is this...she can't tell you what's wrong. (no words.) so she just screams when something hurts and cries when she doesn't feel good. it's like a guessing game...do you have an ear ache? sore throat? headache? need a vacation? i just don't know. after a week of antibiotics, she wasn't getting any better so hiho hiho back to the doctor i went on friday. had someone told me a couple of years ago that i would be spending friday happy hour at the pediatricians office, i would've laughed my ass off as i sipped my beer and nibbled on some appetizers. (liars!) but there i was, sitting in the waiting room with my sick kids wondering how the hell i got to this point in my life. don't get me wrong, i couldn't imagine my days without these two ninnies in it, but my how things have changed. after dealing with their nonsense and no sleep for a solid week, i was at the end of my rope. in that moment, i wanted to hop on a harley and head off into the sunset. instead, i was reading "the belly button book" to my children as we were waiting for the nurse to call us back.

when it was finally our turn, we went into the next room where there was a scale. my one year old is afraid of...the world. i swear to you she's afraid of everything. add sickness into the mix, and even a scale seems daunting. i plopped her on it and she nearly leaped out of her skin, screaming to beat the band. ella yelled over her, "it's only a SCALE, TARRIEEEEE!" (good god.) anyways, i scooped her up and we walked back into the exam room. she was still had tears on her face from the (spooky) scale. so the doctor came in and listened to her lungs (with a scary stethoscope...more screams) and said, "ohhh...oh my. she definitely has bronchitis...and a dash of pneumonia." (a dash?...of PNEUMONIA!?) listen doc, we aren't talking about a goddamn recipe here. we aren't talking about pepper. pneumonia can kill old people and small children, she fits into the latter category. (excuse me for being a little hyper.) the doctor then said she wanted to do a nebulizer treatment right away and left the room. the nurse entered with the machine and carrie's eyes got as big as saucers, she was sitting on my lap. (she started crying before the machine was even activated.) in the meantime, ella was standing on the step of the exam table nearby. (watching.) the nurse whipped out the mask, turned it on, and then told me it would be over "real quick" and left the room. as i held the mask in front of carrie's face...she was acting like she was at auschwitz. (i shit you not.) i held her hands down as she screamed something fierce. in that moment, to my one year old...i was hitler.

somehow when i was administering the gas mask, ella slipped and fell off of the step...hurting her leg. (she got pissed, as usual.) she started screaming and then kicked the table. i pretty much had my hands full, so i couldn't really help her. i tried to remain calm, but i was in an 6 x 6 room and the walls were closing in on me. i told her to walk around and i would pick her up on my other knee. she told me she couldn't walk. (even though she was standing.) she just continued to scream, along with the other one. luckily the medicine ran out in the nebulizer and i was able to calm them both. shortly after the screams stopped, the nurse walked back in. we made eye contact and i said, "next time you bring someone a nebulizer, you should also serve a cold beer with it...or a shot of whiskey." (holy shit.) she started laughing and said, "yeah, i heard them screaming in the hall." but you didn't come to help me!? (wtf lady.) that was definitely ten minutes of my life that i would like back. i will state for the 2394 time that sick kids are the absolute worst. when i arrived back home, warren was also just pulling in from work. he said, "heeeyyyy! how are you? happy friday!" (help.) i told him about the (dash of) pneumonia and ella's injury...he then told me that he was really excited because he heard seinfeld was getting back together. (i just shook my head.) so, in conclusion...old man winter can eat shit. i'm looking forward to warmer temps, sunshine sans sickness, and summertime. in the meantime, i'll enjoy my discounted groupon wine, while dispensing antibiotics and albuterol to my children...but sincerely hoping that i don't have to reinact auschwitz again anytime soon.