marriage

five years ago on the day of our wedding, i was dressed in an ivory gown, said i do at the alter...and rode off into the sunset in a horse and carriage. (that really happened.) later that night, we danced late into the evening with family and friends, drinks in hand, and didn't have a care in the world. on the contrary, yesterday morning i rolled over at the ass crack of dawn, woke up two sleepy children, said goodbye to my husband, loaded the kids into the car to take them to the sitter...and rode off in my SUV in the pouring rain to go to work. later that night, we took the kids out for an early dinner and came home to a trash tornado made by our (spiteful) dog, then we watched dateline and went to bed. quite certain i'd prefer the former, but here's the thing...that's not real life. i mean, the actual wedding day is a beautiful thing...but it's not a precursor to how flowery and lovely your life together is going to be. life makes things messy. marriage is messy. if people expect marriage to be something out of a disney movie...they are going to be sadly mistaken. suddenly you are a mother formerly known as cinderella and you have to exchange your glass slipper for a pair of discounted nike's your husband bought you for your anniversary...in the wrong size. (yep.)

trash tornado ala penelope.

moreover, the children involved in a marriage also throw curve balls into the equation. (things the parenting books don't tell you.) for instance, i always hate when the weather changes abruptly like this from season to season, but it's probably not for the reason you may think. the real reason i hate it is because i have to swap out my childrens' wardrobe so that they are both dressed appropriately for the weather. what a pain in the dick that chore is. now if you don't have small children you are probably like, "this does not sound like a big deal...nor like a colossal pain in the dick." it is. i promise you. i wish a little clothes fairy would fly into my house during these season (and size) changes and do it for me. i try to get rid of the clothes that they never wore, throw out things that are too stained to pass on, pull out clothes for carrie from ella's old wardrobes, and figure out what i need to buy for my oldest. tis the season for footie pajamas and i'm just not ready to tackle this nonsense. plus, it's hard to figure out how to store this stuff. it's absurd, actually. i have totes and trash bags full kids clothes. anyways, i started undertaking this chore this week. i mentioned to my husband how much i hate it and he stated that if i wasn't around, our kids would just wear the same clothes for all seasons (no mention of sizes)...he would just add a sweatshirt or sweatpants on top of it when needed. (oh good.)

tutus are for every season at our house.

as i was upstairs playing clothes fairy, butch was in the kitchen and i heard him walk out into the living room and say, "oh my god...why. why, carrie, why." i ran down the steps to see that carrie had ripped every single wipe out of a brand new pack. (every single one.) he gathered them all up, handed them to me and said, "here...here's 5 dollars." (hahah!) seriously though, why do kids pick stuff like wipes to play with? it looks like that giraffe from toys r us threw up all over the living room, but my one year old finds the one pack of wipes we just bought and destroys it. (makes no sense.) meanwhile, ella was busy trying on her tutu and refusing to sit on the potty even though she just stated she "had to poop." i believe that if your child can look you in the eye when they are dropping a deuce, ask you to change them, bring you the diaper, and request powder to be poured on their butt...they are ready use the restroom. this really happens at our house. (all of it.) when she is making poop faces and telling me she is going, i ask her to go sit on the potty instead and she acts as if i told her to strangle elmo with a jumprope. (she wigs out.) when i wig out back at her, things quickly go from bad to worse and then she starts spazzing. tears, tantrums and torture. people have told me that things with potty training will eventually just "click." i always say, "when?" they say, "soon." i've been hearing this for a year. people are liars.

anyway thursday morning, while making coffee...i turned to my husband and said, "don't forget to pick up the girls today after work. i forgot to text you the day before." he stated, "yeah...i sorta remembered but still got off the wrong exit, because i was daydreaming...about gouda cheese." (i swear he said this.) i said, "what?" he said, "i got some gouda cheese at the grocery store and it was all i could think about after work...so sure enough i got off the wrong exit and was a little late to pick them up." i really couldn't make this up if i tried. i mean, i wonder what he even said to the sitter (if anything), "sorry i was late, but i had gouda on my mind?" i guess i'm glad he wasn't daydreaming about other women? if i only have gouda to compete with...i think i'm good. sure enough when i got home from running that day, he was standing there eating that cheese and also feeding it to madam mayhem and princess poopy pants. he shoved some in my face and said, "you have to try this! you have to!" i said that eating it would defeat the whole purpose of my run. he said, "WHO CARES, IT'S DELICIOUS!" (dear lord.) this is just another example of how marriage is not a fairytale...all of a sudden your prince charming is daydreaming about cheese and forgets to pick up your children. (cinderella? i think not.)

to celebrate tonight, we will not only have an overnight sitter for our children...but will also be able to stay at our own house. (in our own bed.) this may not sound like a big deal, but this is the first time in THREE YEARS (damn you offspring) that we will have the whole entire house to to OURSELVES. my aunt and uncle have graciously offered to take our two tutu wearing tootsie pops for the night. usually when we get an overnight sitter it's because we have to go somewhere far away. so although we are going to celebrate our anniversary by going out to dinner, we are most excited about a quiet, childless night at home. (weird.) and lets not forget "sleeping in" the tomorrow morning. (who am i kidding, i'll be up at 6 anyways.) tonight i'll trade in my ivory gown for a simple dress and swap my diamonds for a (free) pair of pearl earrings that my husband got me as an anniversary present. (with a coupon.) i do know one thing for sure...although our life together is not a fairytale by any means, it sure is a whole hell of alotta fun. as i woke up (early) this morning to my toddler yelling, "IT'S LIGHT OUTSIDE, mommmmEEEEEEE!" across the hallway (with poop in her pants)...i went back to the fact that somewhere in the past five years, my carriage turned into a pumpkin and my glass slipper is long gone. the funny thing is, i really wouldn't want it any other way...and it sure isn't a fairytale, but it's something much more funny. laughter keeps us moving forward and our children teach us daily what life is all about. marriage is not always pretty, often quite messy, never easy...but it is what it is.