beets

i am not one to believe in the supernatural, but i am really under the impression that my husband has been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone else. he has said so long to the boilo and episodes of baitcar...they have now been replaced with barbells and beet juice. (BEET. JUICE.) like, he used the juicer and made his own beet juice, filled our fridge with it, and they asked me to try some. have you ever had beet juice? well, spare yourself if you haven't...cause it tastes like bark. (or barf?) i mean,  if you ripped a piece of bark off of the trunk of a tree and put it in a juicer that's exactly what it would taste like. he describes it as "earthy" and i describe it as "something i never wish to wash over my taste buds ever again because it tastes like shit." anyway, these changes have been happening and although i am happy for his new found healthy ways...it still gives me a weird feeling inside. i've known this man since sixth grade and not once in that time has he given a rats ass about what he puts in his mouth.

it was really fun our freshman year of college when i thought i could magically eat all the of the crap that he ate and not gain any weight. instead of the freshman 15, i gained the freshman 40. (or more.) he's always had the metabolism comparable to that of a cheetah, where as i have the metabolism of a...speed bump. over the years, i think his has definitely has slowed down. (not so cheetah-like.) however, he can still eat several big macs and not have to go out and buy a new pair of pants. if i made the choice to eat several big macs, i might as well just get some duck tape and put them directly on my ass because that's right where they are going. (really.) about a year or so ago i switched to clean eating and never looked back. well, maybe once i looked back and wondered what it would feel to eat an entire wheel of cheese...but for the most part, i don't eat crap. although my husband has been supportive of this switch, in the past he sometimes has said that i was starving him with my paleo inspired recipes. now he embraces them along with his barbells...and i'm still left shaking my head.

so now that we are on the same page with our eating habits, it's interesting to say the least. (minus the beet juice, i will never be on that page ever.) also, he joined the local gym and "pumps iron" (his words) several days a week. actually, it's not several days, it's everyday. he tries to go everyday. my brothers have been on the lifting bandwagon for a long time now, so he talks to them about pre-workout mixes, post workout concoctions, and protein supplements. this morning, he was shaking up a protein supplement and asked me if i wanted any. i told him that i prefer to eat my protein in the form of eggs and bacon... and then whipped myself up a massive omelet and a coupla slices of salty swine. i think i'll stick to the whole eating thing. as both of us have been pushing for a healthier lifestyle this month, we both also cut way back on the booze. (boo.) although i enjoy a good box of wine during the week, i find that i sleep much better when i don't have it. however, when fen was over on thursday for girls night, i did have a glass or two of god's sweet nectar. warren was also hanging out with us and kept switching up his drink choice. as fen fell asleep on our couch, he said to me..."it's weird...i had one mixed drink, one beer, and one glass of wine..." fen woke up abruptly and said, "SIR MIX A LOT!" and then broke into her rendition of "i like big butts and i cannot lie..." i spat out my wine. she went from dead asleep to white girl rapper in 2 seconds flat. (classic.)

that evening carrie woke up about 9:33pm crying. this never happens anymore, so i was concerned. i went upstairs and she was pointing at her diaper and saying "poo poo." (shit.) so i laid her on the
changing table and to my surprise, there was not "poo poo" in her pants. i said, "there is no poo poo in your pants." she whined, "yessssssss....." so i spread her legs and sure enough it did seem that she...sharted.  i changed her and went downstairs and explained what had happened to fen and butch. i went on to say, "i don't know how that woke her up...it wasn't a load in her pants or anything." warren's arms went flailing and he said, "you don't know how it woke her up!? what the hell...a wet fart would wake me the hell up!" fen said through laughter, "me too!" i said, "it wasn't in her diaper, it was only a little in her ass cheeks!" he yelped, "that's the worst place for it to be!!" (i lost it.) hanging out with fen and my husband is truly like being part of a saturday night live skit. shortly after her white girl rapper routine, fen left and we went to bed. so anyway, cutting back on the sauce is just another shift in our house that is quite different. (we like the sauce.) cutting it out completely? well that's just silly talk.

in conclusion, i will continue to wait for the spaceship to bring my husband back to me. for now i will watch him slug back homemade beet (and carrot) juice and wonder where the hell i am. maybe i'll boobie trap him with a big mac for dinner one night and see what happens for shits and gigs. in the meantime, my pants aren't screaming at me anymore, my skin is clearer, and i'm sleeping better. warren is starting to define his muscles, feel fit, and seems happier than the man i knew who was watching episodes of baitcar...scratching his balls in the lazy boy. if you wanna feel better in general, i highly recommend clean eating and exercise. i also recommend not completely cutting out things like coffee and wine, as they are the fuel that keeps me on the path of motherhood without blowing a gasket. while getting ready to go out to dinner last night my two cherubs decided that the proper accessory that goes along with winter jackets and snow boots...is sunglasses. even though there was no sun in sight, i pick my battles and this is not one i wanted to fight. therefore, we skipped out the door in the middle of winter with them wearing them. (oh well.) when it seems your life is something out of a saturday night live skit, just know that someone can relate...and that someone is me. beet juice drinking husbands who have been abducted by aliens, kids who wake up because they sharted, and a best friend who doubles as a white girl rapper? well that's all just part of the show.

hibernate

so with the buzz of christmas and new years behind us, all i really wanna do is...hibernate. seriously, this cold weather makes me mentally violent and i'd rather find a warm cave to hunker down in than deal with it. i mean, i don't know why i act surprised when this happens every year...because it most definitely does. winter brings out my inner axe murderer and i really don't like it. i do, in fact, enjoy a good snow every once in a while...but if it's going to be this cold and not snow, old man winter can suck a fat one. however, after the chaos of the holidays, i do appreciate the quiet. as much as i love my family, after spending weeks (WEEKS) with them nonstop i was raring to go back to work. plus, i am a creature who thrives on routine, so when our schedule was all willy nilly 'let's plow through several bottles of wine tonight'...i kinda lost my crackers after consecutive nights of this. when we returned from visiting my parents in pennsylvania, my inlaws flew in the next day to visit from colorado. again, i love people...but for christsake there is only so much talking and socializing a person can do. people...people whom i love dearly i might add, were starting to dance dangerously on my last goddamn nerve. i welcome the quiet of winter with open arms at this point, even as my children were running around the house screaming and playing with potholders last night (potholders). carrie also has taken a liking to the laundry basket, which she rides like a horse. (of course.)

 

ah yes...you read that correctly. long forgotten are the play doh dick, the not so easy bake oven, hooker barbie, and allllllll the other gifts my kids got for christmas. now we are back to playing with things that were already part of the scene, such as broken cell phones, laundry baskets, and potholders. each kid had two potholders in their outstretched arms as they "flapped" their way through our house acting as if they were wings. i yelled something like, "237 toys and you two are playing with POTHOLDERS?!" they just snickered and "flew" by me. jeffrey the toys r us giraffe has regurgitated at least half of his loot into our home, but let's flap around wearing potholders as flying apparatus (makes sense). later i heard screams from afar and knew it was carrie. call it older child syndrome or whatever you want, but whenever we hear carrie screaming...we immediately (and sometimes unfairly) blame ella. in these times of distress we don't always want justice, we just want quiet. therefore when carrie is acting as if elmo is hanging by a noose in her bedroom, i usually yell, "ELLLLLAAAAA why is she CRYING!? what did you do to HER!?" sometimes, ella did do something to her to make her cry, but most of the time carrie is crying for some nonsensical reason. last night when screams erupted, i saw ella zipping around the corner with a (broken) cell phone circa 2008 in her hands, and i knew the little one wanted it.

butch beat me to the punch when he said, "give her a TURN!!...or you are going to BED!" she totally wasn't going to bed, it was like 6 o'clock. (empty threat central.) despite the craziness my children continue to bring to the house, there are a coupla other developments that i would like to bring to your attention. first off, i would say about half way through our holiday break, my husband joined the gym. (what the what?) it went like this: we woke up one random sunday morning, he rolled over and said, "i'm going to the gym." at first i thought i was dreaming, as he hasn't been to the gym in a very (very) long time. actually, at that point he didn't even belong to the gym, so i was kinda confused. i said the only long winded statement i could muster at that time in the morning and it was, "what." he said, "i'm going to join the gym right now." i rolled over, wished him well, and waited for our two cherubs to awake from their slumber. although his decision to "join the gym" was rather abrupt, i was not that surprised. i've been feeding him horseshit about exercise and endorphins since 2011...so this was just a natural progression that was 3 years in the making. now when he comes home from working out he says stuff like, "don't you feel so GOOD after a good BURN?!" (yes. i've been saying this for years.) he is also doing weird things like making his own chili recipes for dinner and carrot juice for breakfast. maybe the real warren was abducted by aliens?...i dunno.

the other development is that instead of going to the sitter, ella now goes to PRESCHOOL two days a week. i don't know when the frick i had a kid old enough to go to school, but what the hell. when people tell you that "time flies" i assure you that is no bullshit. in fact, the fall of this year i will start my 10th year of teaching kindergarten and my first born will start her first year of kindergarten (woah). pretty sure i just went to a bush party with my high school friends after stealing a six pack of my dad's beer out of the fridge a minute ago. ella turned to me last night after i asked her if she had any juice left and said, "no! i like to chug it! i CHUG stuff!" butch turned to me and snickered and i realized very quickly that we are going to be in a whole hell of a lotta trouble in a couple of years. i feel like in 34 seconds flat we will go from worrying about our child chugging apple juice to our child chugging beers. anyway, the first coupla days of school went well and ella came home on friday with what every other child that just starts school comes home with...a cold. therefore, friday night was spent snuggling and cuddling with her in my bed like she was a newborn. she gently laid her head on my shoulder and ever so sweetly...coughed directly in my face multiple times. i will say that despite the germs, it was kinda nice to have her in my arms again after a week of firsts, like preschool.

first day of preschool.

 the final thing up for discussion is the fact that i finished my first grad class 2 weeks ago and just began another one this past sunday. the grade for my first class? B. now listen, under normal circumstances, i would be pissed with a B. however, i think this grade is pretty fair considering i wrote half of my papers being grossly interrupted by two children who have a doctorate degree in interrupting. moreover, one paper i wrote sitting cross legged, laptop on my legs, on the bathroom floor while my children were in the tub. (no joke.) motherhood and grad school don't mix, but i'm trying to make it work so i don't lose my mind. (stay tuned.) coupled with all the nonsense mentioned above, i started clean eating and cut out most of the booze in my life (i know, i don't even know myself anymore.) i realized that i was one step away from betty ford after the holidays and needed to make a change. plus, my pants were starting to scream at me. (no worries, i'll probably be back on the wine in no time.) if you need me, you can find me in the kitchen cooking up some type of savory paleo inspired soup, out back in the shed sharpening my axe, or hiding in the nearest cave hibernating. when we took down the last christmas decoration, ella slapped her hands together, looked at me very seriously and said, "sooo...that's done. how long until we go to the beach?!" (a girl after my own heart.) jack frost is such a jerk...bring on the spring!

gifts

so naturally, christmas morning was pretty awesome with two little people. they were pumped beyond belief about what santa brought them...and their excitement was palpable. although, i must say that it was quite painful watching them unwrap...because molasses moves quicker than they did. (slow as syrup.) butch was video taping and i swear we were in slow motion. not to mention that after they opened each gift, they wanted to play with it. therefore, after 2 hours of unwrapping action we were finally done. moreover, my husband did most of his shopping for me on black friday, so every time i opened a gift it was followed by a dissertation of how much he saved and how much the product was going for now. (surprise savings in every box!) it was like christmas with coupon claus. i must say that he did pretty well this year, minus the fact that he got duped into the 'buy one get one half off' offer at victoria's secret. now listen, i love me a good boulder holder...but would i ever (ever) spend SIXTY-TWO dollars on one? (never.) if i am going to spend $62 on a bra, it better be able to do some sort of trick...like do a load of laundry or clean some dishes for me as well. i guarantee some busty broad was leaning over him whispering sweet nothings about the savings he would get by buying two before he made that purchase. (sidebar, he also texted me to ask my size.) so now i have a $62 dollar brassiere in my arsenal. sadly, it doesn't do any tricks.

speaking of silly things, you may have read about the play doh cake making factory that comes with a little surprise inside. ironically, my parents bought the girls this set and when i pulled the "extruder" out of the box, i held it up to my mom and just said, "umm...what?" she started laughing her head off. it also came with "special" doh that you push into this thing and then squirt it out. (yep.) even if you don't have a dirty mind, you can't help but look at this thing and see a penis. moreover, when ella was "icing" her "cake" with it i couldn't help but laughing. i wanna know how this thing got past so many people. like why didn't ONE person that reviewed it say, "oh, yah know what? this thing looks like a penis and kids are going to be icing a play doh cake with it...maybe we should go with a different design?" instead it was delivered to the masses by santa claus and his x-rated reindeer. i mean, sure, the kids aren't going to look at it and see a dick, so it's really not that big of a deal. (people who make it a big deal are stupid.) however, i'm sure the play doh people are going to have pull these things off the shelves and shit. i'm so lucky my parents bought this for my kids, now we have one of our very own! moreover, the makers of this stuff are liars. although it was fun for them, there is no way in hell they could make the cakes that were found in the instructions and on the box. (no way in hell.) actually, i don't think an experienced pastry chef could make the shit they have on the box, even if they knew how to expertly use this "extruder."

the other thing my parents bought for my gals is an easy bake oven. i remember how cool i thought the easy bake oven was back when i was a little girl. now that i am the mom of little girls, they opened it and i was like...this is totally not what i remember. first of all, it's like all souped up now. it looks like some sort of space ship or time machine. i wasn't sure if we were going to bake with it or send carrie to the moon. second of all, it only comes with one powder recipe and then you have to buy all the other ones separately. i got a kick out of reading the brochure because they have these well behaved, perfectly dressed little girls on there "baking" the cookies and stuff...talking about how "easy" it is. my mom helped my (pajama clad) kids dump out the powder and then read the directions out loud that she had to add a teaspoon of water to it. my brother was yelling from the other room, "a teaspoon? a TEASPOON?! i could SPIT a teaspoon in the bowl right now!" (boys.) so she added the water and the kids mixed it up. the directions say to roll it into one big ball and then separate the ball into 12 smaller balls. ella got busy rolling the dough and it was a sticky mess all over her hands. she looked up at me and said, "this is gross." (ha!) then we rolled them into 12 other little balls and they pushed them down on the pan. we waited for the "oven" (ie/ lightbulb) to heat up and put the cookies in. my dad and brothers made a big deal about tasting the cookies when they came out. when i pulled them out of the oven it cracked my shit up. (just look.)

brochure vs. our version

so not only are the play doh people liars, the easy bake oven people are liars as well. don't even get me started on barbie, because although she has always been a skinny, busty blonde (probably like the sales person butch interacted with at victoria's secret)...i don't remember her being a street walker. her shoes alone are something out of a drag queen show and then ella tipped her over and said, "woah! you can see her tushy right under her dress!" i just stared. i am not one of those feminist women who believe that my children are going to have self esteem issues if they play with barbie. however, barbie does need to step out of the stilettos and make sure her dress covers her perfectly formed ass cheeks. seriously, who makes this stuff and thinks it's okay? i know damn well there is a whole TEAM of people who designs and passes this stuff. moreover, my in laws are in from colorado this week and sent every piece of memorabilia from the movie frozen that they could find. anna and elsa have taken over our home. we have frozen puzzles, books, dolls, microphones, games, clothes...insert everything else on the market here. my brothers both went the safe route this year and bought quiet toys. usually they buy them the most obnoxiously loud things that make us really nuts. no worries, though, my brother recently bought a house and i came across the best thing to regift to him. (he got this for ella as a birthday gift a few years ago.) happy housewarming, bro. can't WAIT til you keep my kids overnight.

 

this all being said...i know my children are super lucky to have people in their lives who buy them these gifts. even though i find some fault in them, my kids think they are awesome. this christmas was ruled by play doh dicks, not so easy bake ovens, hooker barbies, and frozen memorabilia out the wahzoo. all i know is that i have two happy little girls who were super excited for santa's offerings. yesterday we went through all the kid's old toys and got rid of lots of things they don't play with anymore or that are no longer age appropriate. i must say it made me a little sad. even though i wanted to burn the house and it's entire contents down after i saw alll of the christmas crap that exploded, going through their old things and getting rid of them was also like getting rid of a memory. (as cheesy as that sounds.) for instance, we found no need in keeping the little toy that helped both of my kids learn how to walk. nor a need to hold onto the jumperoo that hung in the doorway as they bounced as babies. these things, i know, are just things...but they are tied to a memory that slipped by faster than i could have imagined. as i sit back wearing my $62 dollar slingshot and sip my wine, i can't help but wonder where the time has gone. may this next year bring you lots of laughter and the ability to worry less. meanwhile, i'll be busy making play doh cakes (using phallic attachments) and crappy cookies (using spaceship contraptions) with my kids. just another coupla memories to add to the books...making the story so much better.

presence

so this is what was going on at my house this morning. (did you expect anything less?) yesterday i spent the better part of the day running around with these two, trying to get last minute things done before the holiday. here we are now only 2 days from christmas, i was tearing around the house like a mad woman cleaning...and i came around the corner to see moe and curly playing a fierce game of pretend. at one point i overheard them saying they were robots, then later it was pirates. when i walked in i said, "woah! you two look awesome!"...then snapped a picture of course. butch had brought home that bag the night before, filled with treats from his students. after he emptied it, ella had it over her head and asked me to cut eye holes and arm holes. carrie improvised by finding a happy meal container from the day before. (don't judge me, i let the clown cook every once in a while.) then, they found an empty roll of wrapping paper, to which ella asked if i could cut in half and they could decorate. (sure!) it's funny, but this reminder of the sheer magnitude of a child's imagination couldn't have come at a better time of year. here my husband and i were wondering if we "got enough" for our kids for christmas...and they are running around with recycled things that ultimately make the best toys. i mean, last year we went a little overboard and do you know what they thought was the best part? the boxes. (of course.)

this past weekend fen and i took ella to the ballet as a christmas treat. i'm going to throw something out there that may be a bit of a cause for judgement, but here it is: when i had the ultrasound to find out the gender of my first born and they stated, "it's a girl." i was actually disappointed. (hear me out) although i was relieved my baby was healthy, i really wanted a boy! i grew up around brothers, my dad had brothers, my mom had a brother, i was never really around a lot of girls...i always envisioned myself from a young age having boys. therefore, when this little pink princess was in utero, i didn't really know what to expect. yes, i mean, i am a girl...so i knew how her parts would work and stuff, but i knew if she turned out to be a "girly girl" i was going to be in trouble. needless to say, when i first saw her little face...i fell in love. (as we all do with our children.) when my second little gal came into our lives, the same thing happened. so flash forward 4 years and i'm up to my goddamn elbows in princesses and all things pink. i knew when we went to the ballet that she was going to lose her little mind. (she did.) we attended a sugar plum princess party and i allowed her to wear a dress up gown that she normally doesn't wear out of the house. all the other little girls were gaping at her and she felt like the bell of the ball. (just look at her.)

when the actual show started, she just stared at the stage for a good half hour. one of the dancers is fen's roommate. obviously, ella is used to seeing her only out of costume. therefore, when she appeared on stage in a tutu twirling around, ella's mouth dropped open and she looked wide-eyed at fen and i. she said, "WOOOWWW, she's so BEAUTIFUL!" then she started clapping wildly for her and waving at her. (haha!) later when she got antsy, she started spinning around in the tight space between my legs and the seats in front of me...throwing her hands up dramatically, pretending she was on stage. (we were laughing.) the whole experience was pretty awesome, and she loved it. when carrie is a little older (and can skip nap time without incident), i want to take her as well. the truth is i really can't get my kids out of costume when they are at home. they are constantly dressing up in some ridiculous getup. recently, carrie has been wanting to wear these things out of the house and i've just been letting her. (isn't worth the argument.) an older lady came up to her in the store yesterday and said, "well my, my! aren't you so PRETTY! are you a fairy?" (she was wearing wings and tutu.) carrie smiled and shook her head. the lady then smiled at me...she reminded me so much of my grandmother. i said, "i pick my battles these days and this is not one i wanted to fight." she said, "honey, i wish i was wearing wings and tutu right now!..would make all this christmas shopping much more fun!" 

furthermore, you never know what your children are going to throw at you...but you figure things out. you can't choose how your child is going to behave in a crowded store or if they are going to cry over something or not. moreover, you can't choose the gender of your child either. as an old friend of mine stated, "you just have to roll with it." even though my life did not turn out what i expected it to be with boys, and is now filled with ballet, glitter, tutus, sparkles and such...my children also enjoy a paper bag costume and happy meal hats. they aren't always pretending to be princesses, but sometimes robots or pirates. for the most part they were excellent on our shopping adventure, but there were some tears as well. moreover, if you think you haven't gotten your kids "enough" this christmas...do yourself a favor and don't sweat it. even though i needed a reminder of how innocent and awesome kids are this morning, i know in my heart that no matter what they unwrap it will always be enough. as a parent, your mere PRESENCE is enough. although i may complain on the regular about things my children do to mess up my world, i never lose sight of the fact that they are my world. i am fortunate to have happy, healthy children whom i would take a bullet for, but who also make me grateful for their early bedtime. i hope this holiday season your heart is full and you find joy in laughter in the little things. most importantly, at the end of the day, choose to raise your glass...and just roll with it.

ebola

alright, so we need to have a little chat about a topic that came to a head this past week at my house. the topic that must be discussed is...the man cold. urban dictionary defines the phenomenon as the following: "the name 'man cold' disguises the true terrible, debilitating disease that is the man cold. nearly all men will die from man colds unless they are administered immediately with large amounts of mindless tv such as daytime tv, or children's cartoons. it is essential that they not move from bed or a comfy sofa to allow for rehabilitation, and must have tissues and man cold medicine (such as chocolate, biscuits, mcdonalds, or a nice cup of tea) brought to them constantly by a nearby female." pretty sure this sounds about right and i couldn't have written it better myself, except i would add boilo to the list of things that he would like brought to him on the couch. on monday my husband laid the ground work for his man cold by telling me that he had a "tickle in his throat." i know damn well that when he complains about this initial tickle that soon i will be taking care of three toddlers instead of two. (true story.) ergo, we then move onto phase two which happened tuesday...when he said he was, "really run down and couldn't really talk." this is also the phase when he decides to take off of work the next day. (he did.) that night he said he called in a substitute, and i could leave the kids home with him on wednesday because he could "nap when they nap." (sure you can.)

truth be told, he probably told me this to stop a fight before it started. aside from calling him a walking vagina and other degrading names in my mind, i did (in fact) wonder if he would keep the kids home with him on his day off. however, i always let him tell me what he plans to do so that it doesn't seem like i'm forcing him to "watch" them when he is lying on his death bed (using death loosely). so i texted the sitter to let her know she wouldn't be graced by my children's presence on wednesday and also told her that it was because butch would be staying home with a man cold. (i also may have said i thought he was a sissy.) she wrote back and said, "they all are" (meaning men) and went on to say that "women have vaginas and we rule the world." (well said.) i think the thing is that women cannot for the life of them figure out why men act this way when they are sick. i mean, if you have like the bubonic plague or some shit...you get a free pass. however, if you have a goddamn cold you should be able to function in society with the help of tissues and some over-the-counter meds. (right?) wrong. i notice that when my husband is not feeling well he will milk it for all it's worth. he believes in his soul that he is going to meet an untimely death in his sleep and he wants me to believe it too. (i don't.) can you imagine if women acted like this when they were sick or pregnant? the entire world would come undone. seriously, shit would just fall apart at the seams. women suck it the hell up and pull up their big girl britches. i tried to buy my husband big girl boxers at macy's but couldn't find them anywhere.

i will say that this man cold was mild compared to the time when i thought his organs were going to empty out of his mouth and anus. (this happened.) his symptoms and dramatics were so severe during this sickness that i thought i would be a widow at a young age. if you haven't read the post about this it's entitled oscar (it's a doozy.) anyways, when i arrived home on wednesday after work the kids were still in the same outfits (pajamas) as when i left them in the morning. of course almost every single day for work i have to physically wake them up for the sitter, but on the day that butch was staying home (and wanted to sleep in) they woke up way earlier that usual and were having breakfast before the sun even thought about showing it's shiny face. (butch was angry.) so fast forward 10 hours, i walked in the door after a day of kindergarten kids hyped up on christmas crack (the struggle is real) AND after running to macy's for more gifts and there were my kids still in footies. i really don't get wound about this stuff anymore, but i do have a question. say your husband doesn't change them out of pajamas all day and bedtime rolls around again, do you: a. change them out of their pajamas and put them in clean pajamas? b. take them out of the pajamas, bathe them, and put them in clean pajamas? c. leave them in the same pajamas until the next day? i just didn't know what to do here. i ended up giving them a baby wipe bath (just what it sounds like) and putting them in clean pajamas. (i pick my battles.)

so as all this was going on at the beginning of the week, a few of my girlfriends were also having their own little go around with the man cold with the men in their lives. one of these said girlfriends was fen. fen's boyfriend after taking off work one day this week actually texted her and told her he thought he had ebola. (e-f$&king-bola. ebola.) she calmly wrote back, "do you have a fever?" he said, "no." to which she replied, "that's the first symptom. so you don't have it." (well played fen.) she is much more tolerant of the man cold than i am. if butch would've told me he thought he had ebola i would've told him i grew a third breast and was joining the circus as a sideshow. (idiot.) my other girlfriend is recently married and was slapped in the face by the harsh reality of what is the man cold early on in her married relationship. she said that not only had her husband taken off since monday, she had "never heard a human being moan so much and so loud for such a long amount of time in her whole life" (end quote). she also stated that she would need large amounts of alcohol to deal with his nonsense (sounds about right). he didn't say he had ebola, but downplayed it by self diagnosing the "flu"(he's not a doctor). the thing that i could most relate to was that she said she had been dealing with the same damn sickness, but still busting her ass at work. alas just three weeks prior, i came down with something similar over thanksgiving. guess what? i had to MAKE THE WHOLE GODDAMN MEAL (including a 20 pound BIRD) and ENTERTAIN MY WHOLE friggen FAMILY while feeling like shit. (i did it.) i very well could've laid in bed and acted like i had ebola, but no woman has time for that. (ever.)

in the meantime, both of my children must've contracted the same sickness as my husband. (swell.) so instead of celebrating the extra long holiday break that was upon me after work at 4pm yesterday, i had happy hour at the pediatricians office. (holy hell.) both kids are hacking and have enough snot to fill a small pool, but are being rather brave about it. luckily, after a doctorly diagnosis they do not have ebola or the flu, just a cold...so we just need to "let it run it's course" like so many other childhood sicknesses. while it runs it course, i will be running my own course to the local liquor store for more wine. (woah.) sick kids are the worst and you really wish it was you. their pain is your pain and let me tell you when they are sick they bring allllllll the pain they have to offer in this world. i know that being a woman has prepared me for dealing with sick children, but clearly whoever wrote the vows, "in sickness and in health" wasn't planning on marrying my husband. (or any other man for that matter.) i will say that kid's timing is always impeccable and they always end up getting sick either around the holidays or on a vacation. (just to make you hate your life a little more.) hopefully everyone will be on the mend by the time that jolly fat man makes his appearance. sitting in church with three snot factories is almost more than i can muster. i will counteract their whines with wine and hope it passes quickly. in the words of my newly married friend, "it feels like i'm in a nightmare." what i have to say to this (childless) friend is that there are many more bad dreams upon her within her marriage and may she find the strength to deal. i'll always be here with an open ear, a glass of wine, and the gift of laughter. men? if you find yourself suffering from a man cold, get some meds and tissues...and stop whining. i shot two human beings out of my lady parts and didn't moan as much as you. man up!

sugarcoat

i had to attend my husband's work christmas party this past weekend and only met everyone once before, which happened to be last year at the same party. this is also the same party that my husband informed me shortly before arrival that no one (not one soul) that he works with, knew his nickname of "butch." he also let me know he wanted to keep it that way. well i suck at secrets and let it out of the bag after two beers. (sorry, warren.) i find that if you enter into a room full of people you don't know, you can easily find someone to talk to if they are a parent like you. kids give you a lot to talk about...especially when it comes to how much of a pain in the ass they can be. i knew one of his coworkers wives just had a baby, so when he introduced us i asked her how the baby was doing and how everything was going. she immediately said, "it's good! he's really good! everything is good!" (oh shit she is talking in exclamation points.) i smiled and said, "that's good!" then a moment later i said after sipping my wine and raising an eyebrow, "really...how are things going?" she looked at me and said, "seriously?" yes, let's not sugarcoat this, sister. she went on, "wellll i haven't slept in 6 weeks. i feel like hell. i have to go pump my boobs like a farm animal soon and i am currently enjoying the only glass of wine i can have for the night. also, this is only my second time away from him and i'm freaking out. however, i'm not looking forward to going home because it's another night of no sleep. this is totally not what i thought it would be." (yahtzee!) now we're talking turkeys. i smiled and told her she was preaching to the choir. actually, i've been singing the same song since 2010. we started laughing and clanked glasses. (whooohooo! we are not alone.)

shortly after this, another woman sauntered over and joined the conversation. we were laughing our heads off about kids and what a pain in the lady parts they are. i find that what people really want is someone they can relate to. i have found that the crazy things children do go across cultures, races, economic backgrounds...it's all the same bullshit. if your 2 year old is waking you up consistently at 4am for a full week and you want to lose your mind, chances are there is another toddler across the world (or next door) doing the same damn thing. if your 4 year old is gently plucking individual hairs out of your head one at a time until you open your eyes, you are probably not alone. (that happened.) when parents say that their kids are perfect, that's a huge red flag for me. parenting is messy...it is never perfect. it's far from perfect, actually. case in point, i forgot to move that damn elf (yes, it's turned to cursing about him) on the shelf the other night and he happened to be hanging out in ella's room. i snuck into her bedroom before going to bed and found my child splayed across her floor like something out of a crime scene. (seriously, the only thing that was missing was the yellow tape.) i'm telling you, this kid put jonbenet ramsey to shame. (it was scary.) i had just got done watching an episode of dateline, so i did the only rational thing i could think of in that moment. i ran over and checked her breathing. as i stood there with one finger under her nose waiting for air, i thought what the hell am i doing? how did my life come to this?!

i whisper called to butch to come over and get a load of what was going on in her bedroom. he came across the hall and said, "what the hell!?" i gingerly swept her up from the floor and placed her back in bed, hoping to not awake her while doing so. butch then said, "i think i heard a big bang a little while ago, but i thought it was the cat." turns out it was not the cat, but our child falling out of her big girl bed and still not waking up. man, i wish i could sleep that soundly. in fact, the thing i miss the very most about being a parent is (single handedly) the sleep. when people tell you to "sleep as much as you can before the baby comes" that is no bullshit. however, you think they are crackers for saying that so you don't listen. even though (most of time) my children are to the point where they sleep through the night, sleep is and never will be the same. (ever.) your body gets all out of whack and just doesn't function the same way. i mean, i'm pretty sure my husband could sleep with a mac truck driving over the duvet...but not me. i wake up at all hours like a goddamn ninja. every sound is like an alarm inside of my head willing me to wake the hell up. i will say that when my dad was visiting for thanksgiving, i noticed he also has the same (man) mac truck mentality when it comes to sleep. he has a doctorate degree in napping and can do it anywhere. in fact, he has a fine talent of reading his book and falling asleep wherever he is. the funny thing is, after ella witnessed this napping action for several days over the holiday break...i found her napping just like her pappy the sunday afternoon after they left.

pappy nap.

 i know, i know, this is just another post based on the fact that children are awesome...but can be an incredible pain in the ass. i think the thing is that we all need to be more honest with each other about it though. it's easy to sugarcoat parenthood and talk about how splendid it is. truth be told, it is pretty amazing in a million ways. however, there are a lot of sucky things about it as well. (for instance, the lack of sleep.) the positive things about parenthood are enough to make you ride over rainbows on a goddamn unicorn. the negative things make you want to punch yourself in the face with your own fist sometimes. if you don't have kids, this blog is probably the best birth control ever. if you do have kids, i know damn well you can relate. the stranger at the party that i started talking to was eager at first to tell me how "good" everything was, when really she just wanted a non judgmental ear to listen and vent. i listened, she vented...and i made a new friend. i told her that the newborn stage with your first one is such an adjustment. your whole life goes topsy turvy and it really isn't what you expected it to be. i also told her that every stage goes so fast and you end up missing things you never thought you would miss. i explained my story about how i sobbed when i sold the baby swing. i went on to tell her how my first born is starting kindergarten next year and i'm pretty sure she was just hanging off of my breast a minute ago. she just smiles, shook her head, and took another slug from her wine. (keep calm and wine on, my new friend.)


coincidentally, we had an over night sitter that night because my aunt and uncle so graciously offered to keep our kids. this doesn't happen often and when it does, we usually aren't home in our own bed. (traveling to weddings and such.) anyways, we stayed out pretty late whooping it up (naturally) and then had the luxury of sleeping in the next morning. (i can count on one hand how many times this has happened since my kids were born.) i did wake up a coupla times throughout the night (ala ninja), but it was still absolutely glorious. the only reason i was jarred awake in the morning is because i heard the dog going apeshit and wondered what the dick was going on outside. it was sunday, but it turns out the post office was still making deliveries. (of course they were.) butch ran downstairs and came up with a package from the porch. after ripping it open he said, "OHHHH! i forgot i ordered these!" i rolled over and said, "what are they?" he exclaimed, "18 NEW pair of mens gloves! from taiwan! guess how much i paid for them?" i mustered a, "how much?" he said (and i quote), "FIVE BUCKS! on ebay!" so although he already gave out three pairs to unsuspecting family members (my uncle and his two sons when we picked up the girls), we have 15 pair of men's gloves up for grabs. so to be clear, on one of the only mornings (like, ever) that i could sleep in...i was awoken by a sunday postal delivery of sale priced gloves. (i can't make that shit up.) in between riding over rainbows and punching myself with my own closed fist...there will always be a story to tell. for now i'll park my unicorn, slap on a pair of 28 cent gloves, and sit back and enjoy my wine. for me, sugarcoating parenthood is not an option and unfortunately...neither is putting my kids up for adoption.

lights

if you can't get into the holiday spirit, i dare you to make a visit to my classroom. the excitement is palpable. i swear if you stuck your tongue out, you could actually taste it in the air. in fact, monday when the kids came back into the classroom from thanksgiving break it was like each one of them was hopped up on some type of holiday upper. (holy hell.) i mean, i kind of set them up for this because i decorated the room a bit, changed our class calendar to december, and welcomed back my classroom elf on the shelf. (hold onto your number 2 pencils, people.) last year was my first dance with this little stuffed guy and let me tell you what, at first i was skeptical. i am aware of the power of a child's imagination and all that, but i never thought i would get the response i did from that group of five year olds. they were so into it that they made me relive my own childhood memories and get equally excited. there is a reason that the elf on the shelf creator is now a millionaire, because the whole thing really is magic. this is also the first year that we have an elf on the shelf at our own house thanks to a hasty "sale" purchase from warren. my own children are so excited about this little guy that it kills me. seriously, it makes me melt inside like jack frost's nuts on a warm day. their facial expressions in regards to the elf are enough. however, their conversations about him are equally awesome. ella looked carrie dead in the eye yesterday and said matter of factly, "he really is magic." carrie smiled and shook her head yes. i was watching this unfold from the kitchen and almost needed a defibrillator to restart my heart. between my classroom elf and my home elf, i'm up to my eyeballs in elf on the shelf and holiday cheer. however, i am truly happy to be a part of it. (granted, it's only day 3...give it time.)

so say you come to my classroom and still aren't excited about christmas, you can shimmy out of your grinch costume and come to my house for more inspiration. it's not just my kids, though, because it seems that the holiday spirit has hit my husband in a big way this year and he has turned into...clark griswold. (i shit you not.) it all started when the neighbors across the street put up some elaborate light show a few weeks before thanksgiving. (for the love of...) i saw his wheels turning, but we never have gone "all out" on lights before, so i thought i was safe. every other year, we had a few strands of lights and the house looked festive. (never anything out of control.) however, i saw after the first day of decorating that he got a little fancy with the original strands and things just stemmed from there. then, everyday when i would get home from work around 4pm, i would see the neighbor guy hanging off a ladder adding more to his house. soon my husband was doing the same thing at our abode after dinner...decorating bushes and trees that have never been touched by a strands of lights ever. at first i was supportive and then i said, "yo, it's starting to look tacky...and by the way, i HATE colored lights!" he basically ignored me and kept adding things here and there like i wouldn't notice. (i noticed, warren.) when my siblings arrived for thanksgiving, my brother's first words when he walked in the door were, "are you having a christmas light competition with the guy across the street?!" butch started laughing and i rolled my eyes. my brother said suddenly, "well he is winning." butch stopped laughing...and then started talking very seriously about getting more lights. (sweet jesus.) my brother lost it laughing.

furthermore, when my dad arrived at my house on thanksgiving eve, he also said the same thing (oh, hell)...sending warren into a tailspin, pining for more strands of lights to make our house look even more ridiculous. everything came to head this weekend when we went to get our christmas tree and we ended up with two...one for the house and one for the PORCH. ("ella wanted it." -butch's words) he also got more strands of lights, and at my father's request (he LOVES to instigate) lights for each window. throw in my grandmother's mechanical mr. and mrs. claus in the bay window and you have a full blown menagerie of holiday puke on our porch and surrounding area. i will say that i know my husband's enthusiasm does stem partly from our own kids' enthusiasm and not just his competitive nature. (their enthusiasm is infectious.) ella has fondly named our elf on the shelf..."elfie." (how original, kid.) we told her she could name him anything she wanted and she said, "i choose...ELFIE." (ok then.) each morning they come downstairs and hunt around for him. i haven't done anything really cool with him yet (just moved him around the house), but nonetheless they have been quite excited. likewise, my kids at school shoot into the classroom like they are being exploded out of a cannon to see where their friend "jack" the elf is. i've said before that there should be a classroom edition of elf on the shelf that comes with a complimentary ritalin salt lick teachers can attach to the doorway for the kids to take a taste before they come in. (you heard me right.) they get sooo wound up, but i figure if i can stand 15 days of being bonkers for the sake of them believing in santa...it's worth it.

so here we are three weeks from christmas eve and i hope by now you are ready for old st. nick to saunter in and throw his belly and beard your way. last night we were sitting on the couch and i happened to look out the window. i said, "umm...why don't the neighbors have their christmas lights on?" butch looked out and said matter of factly, "cause we won." then he proceeded to throw his hands over his head and reference the movie billy madison by saying, "O'DOYLE RULES!" as loud as he could. i shook my head and laughed loudly. later as we went up stairs to bed i said, "do you really think that's why they don't have their lights on!?" my husband turned to me and stated very seriously, "it feels good to be on top. we won." (dear god, the drama.) i don't know when my neighbors will turn the lights back on or what is really keeping them from doing so, but i pray to jesus they don't have some master plan of totally topping anything that my husband has done in some sort of crazy christmas light show down. i don't have the time or the patience for him to be hanging off of the roof like some ass clown in the middle of winter. in the meantime, i will continue to feed off the excitement and enthusiasm of both my classroom kids and my own two children. (oh, and butch.) if you choose to be a scrooge this holiday season, i suggest you man up and embrace your inner child. if you don't, you truly are missing out. i can't wait until pseudo clark gets our electric bill and doesn't have a coupon to pay for it. i'll be sure to remind him of his "O'DOYLE RULES" outburst just a few short weeks before. no worries, though, i'll make sure i have some boilo on hand to lessen the blow...as long as elfie doesn't drink it all before then.