listen

i'm quite certain that my husband only listens to approximately 22% of what i am saying. (give or take.) moreover, the only time he is really listening at all is if it directly pertains to him, or it is something that is happening in that exact moment. for example, the girls were in the bathtub friday night and he was in the bathroom playing lifeguard. (ie/ sitting on the toilet playing on his phone, while they played in the tub.) i yelled in that i put the carrie's pajamas on the changing table, and ella's on her dresser. he said, "okay." i continued to fold laundry and i heard him get carrie outta the tub. he opened the door and as if on cue, he asked, "did you get some pajama's out?" this was like the 432nd time that happened that night (the not listening part) and i flipped. shit. i squawked, "I JUST TOLD YOU WHERE I PUT THEM AND YOU SAID OKAY! what is WRONG WITH YOU! you never LISTEN TO ME!" he smirked and stated, "i heard you say something about pajamas, but not exactly what you said." (typical.) carrie (wrapped in a towel in butch's arms) thought this whole charade was just delightful. she started cracking up and smiling as if to say, "this is awesome." this is not awesome you chubby baby. (not awesome at all.)

i can't be the only wifed woman that experiences this selective hearing phenomenon. i swear that one day i am going to say something really ridiculous just to see if he is listening to me when i'm talking. for example, if he asked me how my day was, i could reply with, "i was bored so i screwed a goat in the backyard"....and just see if he reacts in a crazy manner. i would bet a paycheck that there wouldn't be as much as a, "uh huh." out of him. (screwed a goat=uh huh.) it drives me NUTS. now friday after work, i was on a mission. i walked in the door, did a load of laundry, fed the kids, swept the hardwood floors, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, did another load of laundry, vacuumed up and downstairs, ordered dinner, picked up dinner, got by eyebrows waxed, went to the grocery store, packed for a trip...and more. butch did two things while i was doing all this...1. scratch his nuts on the the couch 2. gave the kids a bath (ie/lifeguard). so when i said, "i'm really glad i got all this done so i don't have to do it when we get back from outta town." he replied, "whew! me, too." as if he had helped. (i wanted to hit him.) he then saw my face and started laughing. he said, "well i gave the kids a bath, didn't i?!" (yes, and scratched your nuts.) he said, "if you want me to do STUFF, you need to tell me what to do." why don't guys just know what to do? if i'm folding laundry, help me fold. if i'm unloading the dishwasher, help me unload. if i'm doing shit...help me! "if you don't tell me exactly what you want me to do...then i don't know what to do." (aaaaahhhh.)

anyways, after all this nonsense and playing with the kids for another hour...both children were quietly tucked away in their cribs asleep. (bedtime is such a sweet time.) i really enjoy the moment when a quiet peace falls over the house...and you feel like a human again. other parents have to experience this. when the kids go to bed, you suddenly become like a real person again. butch and i ordered take out sushi and got a bottle of wine...and felt very much like adults, and not so much as parents. this being said, he showered downstairs in the half bath...while i was upstairs. i came down and was pouring a glass of wine...when he sauntered into the kitchen stark naked. i was opening the container of sushi at the time, and he proceeds to see me and say, "heyyyyy i got a SUSHI ROLL for ya!" (pointing to his penis.) alright, first of all...why are you naked in our kitchen? i prepare food here. please stop. he said, "i threw my towel right into the laundry so you wouldn't get mad! now i'm gonna go upstairs and get dressed." (oh good.) however, he proceeded to stand there and talk to me naked for quite some time. i then looked around the fridge and saw the sliding glass door and said, "OH MY GOD! THE CURTAIN IS OPEN!" (sure enough, he was standing right in the large window.) he looked up, screamed like a little girl, covered his man parts and said, "they ARE open! and our neighbors are on their DECK!" (for the love of....) he ran away. (little girl like.) i was left standing there, shaking my head...eating sushi.

i often wonder if as we age, this selective hearing (and stupidity) will get better or worse. judging from my parents and their interactions with one another, i'm pretty sure it's gonna get worse. after spending the weekend with them, i noticed that my mom experiences the same thing on a daily basis. she yelled several times, "you never LISTEN to me!" my dad chuckled. (men are asses, doesn't matter their age.) i do enjoy, however, when a man's stupidity causes them embarrassment...such as standing stark naked in an open window, giving your neighbors a private penis peep show. (fool.) so i guess i will just have to get used to not being listened to, and repeating things 342 times before he actually hears me. (awesome.) moreover, most men are not multitaskers by nature...so making a list for them for things you want to get done is suitable. i'm pretty sure butch actually prefers me to make a list, rather than hear me bitch. although, i do know his first preference is scratching his nuts on the couch. (he'd tell you the same thing.) george carlin (one hell of a comedian) once said, "here's all you have to know about men and women. women are crazy, men are stupid. the main reason women are crazy are is that men are stupid." well said, george. i agree 100%. however, my husband agrees with about 22% of that quote...cause that's how much of it he was listening to when i told him.