sugarcoat

i had to attend my husband's work christmas party this past weekend and only met everyone once before, which happened to be last year at the same party. this is also the same party that my husband informed me shortly before arrival that no one (not one soul) that he works with, knew his nickname of "butch." he also let me know he wanted to keep it that way. well i suck at secrets and let it out of the bag after two beers. (sorry, warren.) i find that if you enter into a room full of people you don't know, you can easily find someone to talk to if they are a parent like you. kids give you a lot to talk about...especially when it comes to how much of a pain in the ass they can be. i knew one of his coworkers wives just had a baby, so when he introduced us i asked her how the baby was doing and how everything was going. she immediately said, "it's good! he's really good! everything is good!" (oh shit she is talking in exclamation points.) i smiled and said, "that's good!" then a moment later i said after sipping my wine and raising an eyebrow, "really...how are things going?" she looked at me and said, "seriously?" yes, let's not sugarcoat this, sister. she went on, "wellll i haven't slept in 6 weeks. i feel like hell. i have to go pump my boobs like a farm animal soon and i am currently enjoying the only glass of wine i can have for the night. also, this is only my second time away from him and i'm freaking out. however, i'm not looking forward to going home because it's another night of no sleep. this is totally not what i thought it would be." (yahtzee!) now we're talking turkeys. i smiled and told her she was preaching to the choir. actually, i've been singing the same song since 2010. we started laughing and clanked glasses. (whooohooo! we are not alone.)

shortly after this, another woman sauntered over and joined the conversation. we were laughing our heads off about kids and what a pain in the lady parts they are. i find that what people really want is someone they can relate to. i have found that the crazy things children do go across cultures, races, economic backgrounds...it's all the same bullshit. if your 2 year old is waking you up consistently at 4am for a full week and you want to lose your mind, chances are there is another toddler across the world (or next door) doing the same damn thing. if your 4 year old is gently plucking individual hairs out of your head one at a time until you open your eyes, you are probably not alone. (that happened.) when parents say that their kids are perfect, that's a huge red flag for me. parenting is messy...it is never perfect. it's far from perfect, actually. case in point, i forgot to move that damn elf (yes, it's turned to cursing about him) on the shelf the other night and he happened to be hanging out in ella's room. i snuck into her bedroom before going to bed and found my child splayed across her floor like something out of a crime scene. (seriously, the only thing that was missing was the yellow tape.) i'm telling you, this kid put jonbenet ramsey to shame. (it was scary.) i had just got done watching an episode of dateline, so i did the only rational thing i could think of in that moment. i ran over and checked her breathing. as i stood there with one finger under her nose waiting for air, i thought what the hell am i doing? how did my life come to this?!

i whisper called to butch to come over and get a load of what was going on in her bedroom. he came across the hall and said, "what the hell!?" i gingerly swept her up from the floor and placed her back in bed, hoping to not awake her while doing so. butch then said, "i think i heard a big bang a little while ago, but i thought it was the cat." turns out it was not the cat, but our child falling out of her big girl bed and still not waking up. man, i wish i could sleep that soundly. in fact, the thing i miss the very most about being a parent is (single handedly) the sleep. when people tell you to "sleep as much as you can before the baby comes" that is no bullshit. however, you think they are crackers for saying that so you don't listen. even though (most of time) my children are to the point where they sleep through the night, sleep is and never will be the same. (ever.) your body gets all out of whack and just doesn't function the same way. i mean, i'm pretty sure my husband could sleep with a mac truck driving over the duvet...but not me. i wake up at all hours like a goddamn ninja. every sound is like an alarm inside of my head willing me to wake the hell up. i will say that when my dad was visiting for thanksgiving, i noticed he also has the same (man) mac truck mentality when it comes to sleep. he has a doctorate degree in napping and can do it anywhere. in fact, he has a fine talent of reading his book and falling asleep wherever he is. the funny thing is, after ella witnessed this napping action for several days over the holiday break...i found her napping just like her pappy the sunday afternoon after they left.

pappy nap.

 i know, i know, this is just another post based on the fact that children are awesome...but can be an incredible pain in the ass. i think the thing is that we all need to be more honest with each other about it though. it's easy to sugarcoat parenthood and talk about how splendid it is. truth be told, it is pretty amazing in a million ways. however, there are a lot of sucky things about it as well. (for instance, the lack of sleep.) the positive things about parenthood are enough to make you ride over rainbows on a goddamn unicorn. the negative things make you want to punch yourself in the face with your own fist sometimes. if you don't have kids, this blog is probably the best birth control ever. if you do have kids, i know damn well you can relate. the stranger at the party that i started talking to was eager at first to tell me how "good" everything was, when really she just wanted a non judgmental ear to listen and vent. i listened, she vented...and i made a new friend. i told her that the newborn stage with your first one is such an adjustment. your whole life goes topsy turvy and it really isn't what you expected it to be. i also told her that every stage goes so fast and you end up missing things you never thought you would miss. i explained my story about how i sobbed when i sold the baby swing. i went on to tell her how my first born is starting kindergarten next year and i'm pretty sure she was just hanging off of my breast a minute ago. she just smiles, shook her head, and took another slug from her wine. (keep calm and wine on, my new friend.)


coincidentally, we had an over night sitter that night because my aunt and uncle so graciously offered to keep our kids. this doesn't happen often and when it does, we usually aren't home in our own bed. (traveling to weddings and such.) anyways, we stayed out pretty late whooping it up (naturally) and then had the luxury of sleeping in the next morning. (i can count on one hand how many times this has happened since my kids were born.) i did wake up a coupla times throughout the night (ala ninja), but it was still absolutely glorious. the only reason i was jarred awake in the morning is because i heard the dog going apeshit and wondered what the dick was going on outside. it was sunday, but it turns out the post office was still making deliveries. (of course they were.) butch ran downstairs and came up with a package from the porch. after ripping it open he said, "OHHHH! i forgot i ordered these!" i rolled over and said, "what are they?" he exclaimed, "18 NEW pair of mens gloves! from taiwan! guess how much i paid for them?" i mustered a, "how much?" he said (and i quote), "FIVE BUCKS! on ebay!" so although he already gave out three pairs to unsuspecting family members (my uncle and his two sons when we picked up the girls), we have 15 pair of men's gloves up for grabs. so to be clear, on one of the only mornings (like, ever) that i could sleep in...i was awoken by a sunday postal delivery of sale priced gloves. (i can't make that shit up.) in between riding over rainbows and punching myself with my own closed fist...there will always be a story to tell. for now i'll park my unicorn, slap on a pair of 28 cent gloves, and sit back and enjoy my wine. for me, sugarcoating parenthood is not an option and unfortunately...neither is putting my kids up for adoption.