ebola

alright, so we need to have a little chat about a topic that came to a head this past week at my house. the topic that must be discussed is...the man cold. urban dictionary defines the phenomenon as the following: "the name 'man cold' disguises the true terrible, debilitating disease that is the man cold. nearly all men will die from man colds unless they are administered immediately with large amounts of mindless tv such as daytime tv, or children's cartoons. it is essential that they not move from bed or a comfy sofa to allow for rehabilitation, and must have tissues and man cold medicine (such as chocolate, biscuits, mcdonalds, or a nice cup of tea) brought to them constantly by a nearby female." pretty sure this sounds about right and i couldn't have written it better myself, except i would add boilo to the list of things that he would like brought to him on the couch. on monday my husband laid the ground work for his man cold by telling me that he had a "tickle in his throat." i know damn well that when he complains about this initial tickle that soon i will be taking care of three toddlers instead of two. (true story.) ergo, we then move onto phase two which happened tuesday...when he said he was, "really run down and couldn't really talk." this is also the phase when he decides to take off of work the next day. (he did.) that night he said he called in a substitute, and i could leave the kids home with him on wednesday because he could "nap when they nap." (sure you can.)

truth be told, he probably told me this to stop a fight before it started. aside from calling him a walking vagina and other degrading names in my mind, i did (in fact) wonder if he would keep the kids home with him on his day off. however, i always let him tell me what he plans to do so that it doesn't seem like i'm forcing him to "watch" them when he is lying on his death bed (using death loosely). so i texted the sitter to let her know she wouldn't be graced by my children's presence on wednesday and also told her that it was because butch would be staying home with a man cold. (i also may have said i thought he was a sissy.) she wrote back and said, "they all are" (meaning men) and went on to say that "women have vaginas and we rule the world." (well said.) i think the thing is that women cannot for the life of them figure out why men act this way when they are sick. i mean, if you have like the bubonic plague or some shit...you get a free pass. however, if you have a goddamn cold you should be able to function in society with the help of tissues and some over-the-counter meds. (right?) wrong. i notice that when my husband is not feeling well he will milk it for all it's worth. he believes in his soul that he is going to meet an untimely death in his sleep and he wants me to believe it too. (i don't.) can you imagine if women acted like this when they were sick or pregnant? the entire world would come undone. seriously, shit would just fall apart at the seams. women suck it the hell up and pull up their big girl britches. i tried to buy my husband big girl boxers at macy's but couldn't find them anywhere.

i will say that this man cold was mild compared to the time when i thought his organs were going to empty out of his mouth and anus. (this happened.) his symptoms and dramatics were so severe during this sickness that i thought i would be a widow at a young age. if you haven't read the post about this it's entitled oscar (it's a doozy.) anyways, when i arrived home on wednesday after work the kids were still in the same outfits (pajamas) as when i left them in the morning. of course almost every single day for work i have to physically wake them up for the sitter, but on the day that butch was staying home (and wanted to sleep in) they woke up way earlier that usual and were having breakfast before the sun even thought about showing it's shiny face. (butch was angry.) so fast forward 10 hours, i walked in the door after a day of kindergarten kids hyped up on christmas crack (the struggle is real) AND after running to macy's for more gifts and there were my kids still in footies. i really don't get wound about this stuff anymore, but i do have a question. say your husband doesn't change them out of pajamas all day and bedtime rolls around again, do you: a. change them out of their pajamas and put them in clean pajamas? b. take them out of the pajamas, bathe them, and put them in clean pajamas? c. leave them in the same pajamas until the next day? i just didn't know what to do here. i ended up giving them a baby wipe bath (just what it sounds like) and putting them in clean pajamas. (i pick my battles.)

so as all this was going on at the beginning of the week, a few of my girlfriends were also having their own little go around with the man cold with the men in their lives. one of these said girlfriends was fen. fen's boyfriend after taking off work one day this week actually texted her and told her he thought he had ebola. (e-f$&king-bola. ebola.) she calmly wrote back, "do you have a fever?" he said, "no." to which she replied, "that's the first symptom. so you don't have it." (well played fen.) she is much more tolerant of the man cold than i am. if butch would've told me he thought he had ebola i would've told him i grew a third breast and was joining the circus as a sideshow. (idiot.) my other girlfriend is recently married and was slapped in the face by the harsh reality of what is the man cold early on in her married relationship. she said that not only had her husband taken off since monday, she had "never heard a human being moan so much and so loud for such a long amount of time in her whole life" (end quote). she also stated that she would need large amounts of alcohol to deal with his nonsense (sounds about right). he didn't say he had ebola, but downplayed it by self diagnosing the "flu"(he's not a doctor). the thing that i could most relate to was that she said she had been dealing with the same damn sickness, but still busting her ass at work. alas just three weeks prior, i came down with something similar over thanksgiving. guess what? i had to MAKE THE WHOLE GODDAMN MEAL (including a 20 pound BIRD) and ENTERTAIN MY WHOLE friggen FAMILY while feeling like shit. (i did it.) i very well could've laid in bed and acted like i had ebola, but no woman has time for that. (ever.)

in the meantime, both of my children must've contracted the same sickness as my husband. (swell.) so instead of celebrating the extra long holiday break that was upon me after work at 4pm yesterday, i had happy hour at the pediatricians office. (holy hell.) both kids are hacking and have enough snot to fill a small pool, but are being rather brave about it. luckily, after a doctorly diagnosis they do not have ebola or the flu, just a cold...so we just need to "let it run it's course" like so many other childhood sicknesses. while it runs it course, i will be running my own course to the local liquor store for more wine. (woah.) sick kids are the worst and you really wish it was you. their pain is your pain and let me tell you when they are sick they bring allllllll the pain they have to offer in this world. i know that being a woman has prepared me for dealing with sick children, but clearly whoever wrote the vows, "in sickness and in health" wasn't planning on marrying my husband. (or any other man for that matter.) i will say that kid's timing is always impeccable and they always end up getting sick either around the holidays or on a vacation. (just to make you hate your life a little more.) hopefully everyone will be on the mend by the time that jolly fat man makes his appearance. sitting in church with three snot factories is almost more than i can muster. i will counteract their whines with wine and hope it passes quickly. in the words of my newly married friend, "it feels like i'm in a nightmare." what i have to say to this (childless) friend is that there are many more bad dreams upon her within her marriage and may she find the strength to deal. i'll always be here with an open ear, a glass of wine, and the gift of laughter. men? if you find yourself suffering from a man cold, get some meds and tissues...and stop whining. i shot two human beings out of my lady parts and didn't moan as much as you. man up!