gifts

so naturally, christmas morning was pretty awesome with two little people. they were pumped beyond belief about what santa brought them...and their excitement was palpable. although, i must say that it was quite painful watching them unwrap...because molasses moves quicker than they did. (slow as syrup.) butch was video taping and i swear we were in slow motion. not to mention that after they opened each gift, they wanted to play with it. therefore, after 2 hours of unwrapping action we were finally done. moreover, my husband did most of his shopping for me on black friday, so every time i opened a gift it was followed by a dissertation of how much he saved and how much the product was going for now. (surprise savings in every box!) it was like christmas with coupon claus. i must say that he did pretty well this year, minus the fact that he got duped into the 'buy one get one half off' offer at victoria's secret. now listen, i love me a good boulder holder...but would i ever (ever) spend SIXTY-TWO dollars on one? (never.) if i am going to spend $62 on a bra, it better be able to do some sort of trick...like do a load of laundry or clean some dishes for me as well. i guarantee some busty broad was leaning over him whispering sweet nothings about the savings he would get by buying two before he made that purchase. (sidebar, he also texted me to ask my size.) so now i have a $62 dollar brassiere in my arsenal. sadly, it doesn't do any tricks.

speaking of silly things, you may have read about the play doh cake making factory that comes with a little surprise inside. ironically, my parents bought the girls this set and when i pulled the "extruder" out of the box, i held it up to my mom and just said, "umm...what?" she started laughing her head off. it also came with "special" doh that you push into this thing and then squirt it out. (yep.) even if you don't have a dirty mind, you can't help but look at this thing and see a penis. moreover, when ella was "icing" her "cake" with it i couldn't help but laughing. i wanna know how this thing got past so many people. like why didn't ONE person that reviewed it say, "oh, yah know what? this thing looks like a penis and kids are going to be icing a play doh cake with it...maybe we should go with a different design?" instead it was delivered to the masses by santa claus and his x-rated reindeer. i mean, sure, the kids aren't going to look at it and see a dick, so it's really not that big of a deal. (people who make it a big deal are stupid.) however, i'm sure the play doh people are going to have pull these things off the shelves and shit. i'm so lucky my parents bought this for my kids, now we have one of our very own! moreover, the makers of this stuff are liars. although it was fun for them, there is no way in hell they could make the cakes that were found in the instructions and on the box. (no way in hell.) actually, i don't think an experienced pastry chef could make the shit they have on the box, even if they knew how to expertly use this "extruder."

the other thing my parents bought for my gals is an easy bake oven. i remember how cool i thought the easy bake oven was back when i was a little girl. now that i am the mom of little girls, they opened it and i was like...this is totally not what i remember. first of all, it's like all souped up now. it looks like some sort of space ship or time machine. i wasn't sure if we were going to bake with it or send carrie to the moon. second of all, it only comes with one powder recipe and then you have to buy all the other ones separately. i got a kick out of reading the brochure because they have these well behaved, perfectly dressed little girls on there "baking" the cookies and stuff...talking about how "easy" it is. my mom helped my (pajama clad) kids dump out the powder and then read the directions out loud that she had to add a teaspoon of water to it. my brother was yelling from the other room, "a teaspoon? a TEASPOON?! i could SPIT a teaspoon in the bowl right now!" (boys.) so she added the water and the kids mixed it up. the directions say to roll it into one big ball and then separate the ball into 12 smaller balls. ella got busy rolling the dough and it was a sticky mess all over her hands. she looked up at me and said, "this is gross." (ha!) then we rolled them into 12 other little balls and they pushed them down on the pan. we waited for the "oven" (ie/ lightbulb) to heat up and put the cookies in. my dad and brothers made a big deal about tasting the cookies when they came out. when i pulled them out of the oven it cracked my shit up. (just look.)

brochure vs. our version

so not only are the play doh people liars, the easy bake oven people are liars as well. don't even get me started on barbie, because although she has always been a skinny, busty blonde (probably like the sales person butch interacted with at victoria's secret)...i don't remember her being a street walker. her shoes alone are something out of a drag queen show and then ella tipped her over and said, "woah! you can see her tushy right under her dress!" i just stared. i am not one of those feminist women who believe that my children are going to have self esteem issues if they play with barbie. however, barbie does need to step out of the stilettos and make sure her dress covers her perfectly formed ass cheeks. seriously, who makes this stuff and thinks it's okay? i know damn well there is a whole TEAM of people who designs and passes this stuff. moreover, my in laws are in from colorado this week and sent every piece of memorabilia from the movie frozen that they could find. anna and elsa have taken over our home. we have frozen puzzles, books, dolls, microphones, games, clothes...insert everything else on the market here. my brothers both went the safe route this year and bought quiet toys. usually they buy them the most obnoxiously loud things that make us really nuts. no worries, though, my brother recently bought a house and i came across the best thing to regift to him. (he got this for ella as a birthday gift a few years ago.) happy housewarming, bro. can't WAIT til you keep my kids overnight.

 

this all being said...i know my children are super lucky to have people in their lives who buy them these gifts. even though i find some fault in them, my kids think they are awesome. this christmas was ruled by play doh dicks, not so easy bake ovens, hooker barbies, and frozen memorabilia out the wahzoo. all i know is that i have two happy little girls who were super excited for santa's offerings. yesterday we went through all the kid's old toys and got rid of lots of things they don't play with anymore or that are no longer age appropriate. i must say it made me a little sad. even though i wanted to burn the house and it's entire contents down after i saw alll of the christmas crap that exploded, going through their old things and getting rid of them was also like getting rid of a memory. (as cheesy as that sounds.) for instance, we found no need in keeping the little toy that helped both of my kids learn how to walk. nor a need to hold onto the jumperoo that hung in the doorway as they bounced as babies. these things, i know, are just things...but they are tied to a memory that slipped by faster than i could have imagined. as i sit back wearing my $62 dollar slingshot and sip my wine, i can't help but wonder where the time has gone. may this next year bring you lots of laughter and the ability to worry less. meanwhile, i'll be busy making play doh cakes (using phallic attachments) and crappy cookies (using spaceship contraptions) with my kids. just another coupla memories to add to the books...making the story so much better.