presence

so this is what was going on at my house this morning. (did you expect anything less?) yesterday i spent the better part of the day running around with these two, trying to get last minute things done before the holiday. here we are now only 2 days from christmas, i was tearing around the house like a mad woman cleaning...and i came around the corner to see moe and curly playing a fierce game of pretend. at one point i overheard them saying they were robots, then later it was pirates. when i walked in i said, "woah! you two look awesome!"...then snapped a picture of course. butch had brought home that bag the night before, filled with treats from his students. after he emptied it, ella had it over her head and asked me to cut eye holes and arm holes. carrie improvised by finding a happy meal container from the day before. (don't judge me, i let the clown cook every once in a while.) then, they found an empty roll of wrapping paper, to which ella asked if i could cut in half and they could decorate. (sure!) it's funny, but this reminder of the sheer magnitude of a child's imagination couldn't have come at a better time of year. here my husband and i were wondering if we "got enough" for our kids for christmas...and they are running around with recycled things that ultimately make the best toys. i mean, last year we went a little overboard and do you know what they thought was the best part? the boxes. (of course.)

this past weekend fen and i took ella to the ballet as a christmas treat. i'm going to throw something out there that may be a bit of a cause for judgement, but here it is: when i had the ultrasound to find out the gender of my first born and they stated, "it's a girl." i was actually disappointed. (hear me out) although i was relieved my baby was healthy, i really wanted a boy! i grew up around brothers, my dad had brothers, my mom had a brother, i was never really around a lot of girls...i always envisioned myself from a young age having boys. therefore, when this little pink princess was in utero, i didn't really know what to expect. yes, i mean, i am a girl...so i knew how her parts would work and stuff, but i knew if she turned out to be a "girly girl" i was going to be in trouble. needless to say, when i first saw her little face...i fell in love. (as we all do with our children.) when my second little gal came into our lives, the same thing happened. so flash forward 4 years and i'm up to my goddamn elbows in princesses and all things pink. i knew when we went to the ballet that she was going to lose her little mind. (she did.) we attended a sugar plum princess party and i allowed her to wear a dress up gown that she normally doesn't wear out of the house. all the other little girls were gaping at her and she felt like the bell of the ball. (just look at her.)

when the actual show started, she just stared at the stage for a good half hour. one of the dancers is fen's roommate. obviously, ella is used to seeing her only out of costume. therefore, when she appeared on stage in a tutu twirling around, ella's mouth dropped open and she looked wide-eyed at fen and i. she said, "WOOOWWW, she's so BEAUTIFUL!" then she started clapping wildly for her and waving at her. (haha!) later when she got antsy, she started spinning around in the tight space between my legs and the seats in front of me...throwing her hands up dramatically, pretending she was on stage. (we were laughing.) the whole experience was pretty awesome, and she loved it. when carrie is a little older (and can skip nap time without incident), i want to take her as well. the truth is i really can't get my kids out of costume when they are at home. they are constantly dressing up in some ridiculous getup. recently, carrie has been wanting to wear these things out of the house and i've just been letting her. (isn't worth the argument.) an older lady came up to her in the store yesterday and said, "well my, my! aren't you so PRETTY! are you a fairy?" (she was wearing wings and tutu.) carrie smiled and shook her head. the lady then smiled at me...she reminded me so much of my grandmother. i said, "i pick my battles these days and this is not one i wanted to fight." she said, "honey, i wish i was wearing wings and tutu right now!..would make all this christmas shopping much more fun!" 

furthermore, you never know what your children are going to throw at you...but you figure things out. you can't choose how your child is going to behave in a crowded store or if they are going to cry over something or not. moreover, you can't choose the gender of your child either. as an old friend of mine stated, "you just have to roll with it." even though my life did not turn out what i expected it to be with boys, and is now filled with ballet, glitter, tutus, sparkles and such...my children also enjoy a paper bag costume and happy meal hats. they aren't always pretending to be princesses, but sometimes robots or pirates. for the most part they were excellent on our shopping adventure, but there were some tears as well. moreover, if you think you haven't gotten your kids "enough" this christmas...do yourself a favor and don't sweat it. even though i needed a reminder of how innocent and awesome kids are this morning, i know in my heart that no matter what they unwrap it will always be enough. as a parent, your mere PRESENCE is enough. although i may complain on the regular about things my children do to mess up my world, i never lose sight of the fact that they are my world. i am fortunate to have happy, healthy children whom i would take a bullet for, but who also make me grateful for their early bedtime. i hope this holiday season your heart is full and you find joy in laughter in the little things. most importantly, at the end of the day, choose to raise your glass...and just roll with it.