ostrich

so i've been off all week on spring break and forgot how much fun it is to spend extra quality time with my children. before you jump to conclusions, there was only a trace of sarcasm there. (it wasn't full blown.) on one hand, i hate how fast kids change. they really aren't the same child from one day to the next. when you are around them all day everyday, you see it with your own eyeballs. sometimes when i pick them up at the sitter, i seriously feel like they have grown. (like in a day.) on the other hand, i'm kinda glad that i don't have to play short order cook and change shitty diapers all day. (truth.) however, this should not be called spring "break" for me. there is never a "break" when you have two kids running around. anyways, this week ella started doing this really fun thing when she gets pissed off at me. she roars at me. roars at me loudly like a goddamn lion. (ROAAAARRRR!!!) she does it with such gusto that you can tell she is really mad, her face even gets all red. i'd like to get it on video but it happens so suddenly that i can't. (violent and without warning.) i keep catching myself saying, "ella, if you roar at mommy one more time...you are going to get a time out." not a statement i thought i would ever use as a mother. (wtf?) carrie has also started something fun this week and i refer to it as "the ostrich." it happens when i ask her to do something, or if i'm saying something that she doesn't want to hear. she did the ostrich today when i told her to share a toy with her sister.

the ostrich.

can you imagine if adults acted like this? like if my principal asked me for a lesson plan or something and i just put my head down on the floor, my ass in air, and didn't say a word. i mean, what would she do? carrie stays like this until she deems it's safe to get up. when i ask her afterwards what she was doing, she just stares at me like it was totally normal behavior. of course her older sister thinks it's hilarious so she just stands there and points while this is going on, giggling like carrie is putting on a comedy act. (great.) so between both of my children acting like a wild animal and bird (respectively), it's been a crazy coupla days. yesterday we decided to take both of them to a morning movie. these ideas always sound good in your head, but then when you actually try to execute them...they fail. (that's parenting 78% of the time.) so we all hopped in the car, i had snacks and drinks packed and everyone was jazzed for the theater. when we first got there, both kids sat for a good 45 minutes and actually watched the movie. i breathed a sigh of relief at that point but then i did something you should never (ever) do as a parent...i leaned over to my husband and whispered, "this isn't that bad, they are doing so well!" i said it out loud. as a parent, you should never say shit like that out loud....because that's when your children set out to prove you wrong. it doesn't matter if they hear you or not, they will.

for instance, when carrie started consistently sleeping through the night i made the mistake of bragging to people about it and then like a day later she started cutting teeth and i was back up every couple hours at night taking care of her. i told my parents how great ella was doing at potty training and then she regressed and started wanting to wear a diaper again. if you say out loud, "wow, my kids haven't been sick for a while!" they will wake up the next morning with the bubonic plague or goddamn chicken pox. so if i have any parenting advice it would be to keep shit to yourself. if good stuff is happening, muster up everything you have and keep it inside. (it's better in there. trust me.) anyways, shortly after my statement to my husband, carrie started getting antsy and climbed off the seat. she just started walking around aimlessly like a baby zombie in the darkness...stopping every once in a while to eat popcorn off the floor. ("don't eat that!") butch was trying to corral her and then ella leaned over to me and said really (friggen) loud, "mommmEEEE...i have to POOP! POOP! POOP!" she really drove home the word poop...and if you don't know, three year olds suck at whispering. (i heard the people behind us snicker.) i'm glad that she's almost potty trained at this point...so she can announce her bowel movements in public. (perfect!) so while butch wished carrie was on leash, i went to the restrooms with ella. (divide and conquer.) after these shenanigans, carrie finally calmed down and ella went back to her seat. then, my one year old fell asleep. when we left, this is what she looked like:

so basically we paid $7.00 to have our kid sleep through half the movie. (the other half she acted like a horse's ass.) if that isn't a kick in the dick, i don't know what is. she looked like a corpse. (again, ella thought this was funny.) later that evening, fen was scheduled to arrive to watch our offspring so that we could go out to dinner and celebrate the anniversary of my birth. she called me on the way home from work and i said, "i will text you after i put carrie to bed. if she knows you are here, she will scam you and never go to sleep." she said ok. however, i was in the middle of the bedtime ritual and i heard a horn honk and guess who it was? (fen.) i swear she sets herself up for failure. i still put carrie down, even though the dog went ape shit and butch yelled, "she's here!" here's the thing...toddlers are way smarter than we give them credit for. they are master manipulators and even if you try to pull the wool over their eyes, they know things. i'm pretty sure that every time we've had a babysitter, each of them woke up at least once. when we are here, they hardly ever wake up. (they know.) carrie was quiet and we told ella that she could stay up a little bit with fen as long as she went to bed when she told her to. (she said otay.) sidebar: she had been wearing panties for 2 days (even at bedtime), but had not had a bowel movement in that time. (the movie theater was a scam...she only peed.) i mentioned this to fen.

she freaked. "well what am i supposed to do if she has to poop?!" i said, "just go up there and help her through it." (she still has potty pooping issues.) fen looked terrified. i said, "you'll be fine." warren and i skipped out to bonefish grill for some bang bang shrimp...and folks, you better believe he had a coupon. (that's the only reason we went there.) it's so nice to sit at a dinner table and not have to cut anyone's food, get anyone anything, or wipe anybody down. it's like you can be an adult for a minute and not someone's parent. these are little things you take for granted before you have kids. anyways, about half way through dinner, fen texted to say that carrie was up and ella pooped. (they know.) when we got home later, fen started telling tales of what happened. we were losing it laughing. first of all, carrie woke up screaming (for no reason, of course) and she went in to get her. when she tried to lay her back down, and she screamed some more. however, she let her cry for a minute but when it got quiet up there, she made a logical assumption...and thought she was dead. she called her aunt to ask her if she should be worried. (her aunt assured her she shouldn't worry.) still thinking heavily about it though, she stealthily opened carrie's door and ARMY CRAWLED in to check on her. a covert operation on carrie....to check if she was still breathing. (just awesome.) if i had a nanny cam, that would be excellent footage. she then went back downstairs and waited.

ella came to the top of the steps crying for her and fen said, "i never moved so fast in all my life. i seriously was faster than i was at that race last week." (oh my god.) she said she flew up the steps and ella told her she had to poop. i mentioned earlier that toddlers are master manipulators. i know this to be true because i have two of them. the night before at bedtime, ella came to the top of the steps three times and yelled down for me. all three times were for nonsense...so i finally said, "under no circumstances call for me unless you have to use the potty, or it's an emergency." she said, "otay." about 5 minutes later though she yelled, "mommy! mommy! come quick! i ripped one of my stuffed animals! it's an emergency!" fire? an emergency. a burglar? emergency. ripped stuffed animal? NOT an emergency. i went up there and said, "ok, i see the rip, what do you want me to do about it?" she said (and i quote), "call doc mcstuffins." she said this with a dead straight face. twice. i laughed and then said, "doc mcstuffins is sleeping and you should be, too. go to bed." (if you don't know who doc mcstuffins is...consider yourself lucky.) so when jen started the story with, "she was crying at the top of the steps." i wasn't alarmed because she is a total bedtime scammer and this is normal behavior. anyway, turns out she really did have to poop and fen coached her through it. (wish there was footage of this, just like the army crawl.) she then used a wipe to clean her up and dropped it in the toilet. to which ella yelled, "my MOMMY SAID WE DON'T THROW WIPES IN THE TOILET! GET IT OUT!" (and threw a fit!) fen didn't know what to do. it was either retrieve the wipe or deal with the wrath of a three year old. needless to say, she retrieved he wipe. with her hand. (yep.)

so we are almost at the end of the week and head out of town to my parents tomorrow. i'm glad they are going to be around as a buffer, because i don't know how much more of the acting like a lion and ostrich act i can take outta my two cherubs. people never tell you that when you are a parent, your house may or may not turn into the wild kingdom. if you are reading this now and have little ones...at least you have some warning. they also don't tell you that when your best friend offers to babysit on your birthday she will be forced to resort to army crawling and retrieving a wipe out of feces filled water with her bare hands. if anything, my children are excellent birth control. (you're welcome, fen.) when i head back to work, i think i may try roaring at people that piss me off or putting my forehead on the ground when i don't get my way. (i'm sure it'll go over well.) i also plan on announcing every bowel movement in public and eating popcorn off the floor when i can. (can you imagine?) kids are awesome in a lot of ways, but can be awful in a lot of ways as well. the thing is, you have no choice but to take the bad with the good. it would've been nice to have a little heads up though that this kind of stuff was going to happen...lessen the blow if you will. if you a seasoned parent, you know what the hell i'm talking about. if you are new parent or pregnant, here's your heads up. if you are not a parent at all, you're welcome for the free birth control. if you are fen?...better luck next time, friend.