fool

so i act like a fool on most days, so why shouldn't april 1st be the same? i pulled pranks on my students, like telling them they had to write every word in the dictionary 5 times for homework (five year olds are so easy, they fell for it)...and then moved on to my husband around noon. i sent a swift text to him and stated that i thought that i might be pregnant. i chuckled to myself as i hit send and thought..."he'll never fall for it." we are both teachers, and students will always remind you of every holiday...no matter how silly it may seem. (april fool's day, included.) i thought for sure he would write back, "april fools!"...or "yeah right!"...or..."i want a divorce." (whoops.) however, when he got all silence on the lambs with me from the other end i thought holy hell i really did it this time. he's hightailing it to mexico right this moment, and i'm up chesapeake shit creek without a paddle, people. the thing is this, i know damn well how warren feels about having more children. to put it kindly, he's "done." his bird is cooked. our kids have made his hair gray and his wallet empty. (done.) i was kindly reminded of this the other night, when he told me to post the baby swing (that is currently being stored in carrie's room) on craigslist. i said, "well, i was going to, but then thought maybe we weren't really ready to do that just yet..." he paused, turned around, and if looks could kill...i would have had yellow caution tape wrapped right over and tightly around my uterus slash vaginal region. (no joke.)

moving on, he didn't call or text the rest of the day...so when he walked in the door he asked (as he pulled a bud light out of the fridge), "so what was with that text?" i was making dinner and i replied, "well i just feel kinda weird, like i did when i was pregnant with carrie." he cracked his beer...and gave me the stink eye. (it was hard not to laugh.) i went on..."how would you really feel about having another one?" he closed his eyes and took a long (exaggerated) swig from the can and replied, "listen...we can't AFFORD another one right now. can't AFFORD IT." in other words, there are not enough coupons in the world for you to make me want to have another child. (if you just started reading my posts, you should read this link about it: coupon. he has an obsession.) he took another gulp and shook his head. (he looked bad. real bad.) i feared a heart attack or some other catastrophic life altering event...so i casually asked, "do you know what day it is?" (he looked puzzled.) he was probably thinking, "birthday?, anniversary?, shit...i don't know?!" then it clicked and he looked way elated and relieved, "it's APRIL FOOL'S DAY!" and then he grabbed, shook, and assaulted me. (while laughing.) as i finished up dinner, both kids came into the kitchen about 8 times and asked me for a snack. (why do they DO that?!) carrie hung on my left leg until i dished out some goldfish crackers and ella held out for a piece of string cheese by repeating that she wanted one as many times as she possibly could before i flipped my lid. even though dinner was going to be ready in like 10 minutes, they need snacks. (why.) ten minutes later, we ate dinner incident free (always a plus), and then butch took the kids up for their bath.

i was washing dishes downstairs...and i shit you not, it sounded like my entire kindergarten class was in the tub up there. i heard laughter, screams, crying, yelling...the works. it didn't sound like 2 kids, it sounded like 20. for a brief minute, i turned off the tap water and thought maybe i should go up to help...but then i thought, "nah, it's more fun to listen." (i speak the truth.) i moved onto folding laundry as barnum and bailey wrapped up their show in the bathroom upstairs. when my husband walked down, he said, "ella just told me that the boys at her daycare have different butts than she does."  oh boy. (he eyeballed me.) now to be clear, ella calls everything "down there" a "butt." one time a coupla weeks ago, i tried to correct her by saying, "you, mommy, and carrie all have a vagina." she shrieked, "a WHAT!? i don't have one of THOSE! only big people have 'CHINAS!" (oh my god.) she caught me totally off guard, so i just shook my head and didn't really correct her. i don't know exactly when it's the "right" time to talk to your kids about their private parts, but now that she is noticing the difference between the boy and girl parts, i guess it's just about that time. so after butch mentioned she said this in the tub, i said to her..."your girl parts are called a vagina and boys have a penis. they are different." even though i said this with a dead straight face (i have no idea how i pulled that off), she still started giggling uncontrollably. (she also repeated the word "penis" about 8 times, because she thought it sounded funny. my guess is because it has the word "pee" in it.) then i said, "...both girls and boys have a butt." more uncontrollable laughter outta her (and my husband. jesus.)...then she randomly started singing her ABC's and asked me if she could have some fruit snacks. (glad that went well.)

later that night, i was sitting downstairs enjoying the quiet of kiddie bedtime and butch stomped down like a bull from upstairs and said, "ella shit herself and needs to be changed, where are the wipes?" (done.) i told him i thought there were some in the other room as he sighed and walked away. although potty training is going pretty well (we have the pees down), she is still scared to poop on the potty. so she is real sneaky about it and after we put her to bed in the privacy of her own room, she poops her pants. (par for the course.) she must've heard butch walk up the steps and yelled to him to change her, so therefore he was the winner of that magical load. (sorry suckaaaaa!) so after this week i know a coupla things for sure and they are as follows: i'm thankful my husband did not leave me up chesapeake shit creek without a proverbial paddle and my first born now knows the proper name for private parts ('china and PEEnis...never mind the pronunciation). moreover, to prevent any future heart attacks i'm guessing warren should get his testicles tied up. i'm pretty sure he could find someone on craiglist to do that...right after he gets done posting the baby swing. i don't think he would be caught dead using a coupon for such a procedure....however, i wouldn't put it past him. for now, i will not be removing the yellow caution tape from my lady parts, especially in the wake of his murderous looks...but i think that a discount vasectomy would really, truly be one for the books. if he gets clipped and uses a coupon, i'll be sure to keep you posted.