judgement

alright, so i try not to judge other parents and the choices they make for their own children, but i do have a bone to pick with one particular subject...and it was prompted by some events from the past coupla nights. like i said, i don't mind (for example) if mothers want to breastfeed their kids until they are like 5, even if the child has a full set of teeth. (have at it sister friend!) i don't care if you want to make your own baby food, even if i think gerber does a fine job of that. (they have for many, many years.) i feel like you have to do what you think is right for your own kid, because there really is no "right" way to raise a child. it's sort of like survival of the fittest and you do what works for you, because you are the one that has to deal with your own kids on a daily (and nightly) basis. however, i will say after three nights of sharing a bed with my three year old...i will never understand the concept of "co-sleeping" with your kids. i know there are parents out there that choose to share their bed with their children. i'm not talking about parents that randomly have their kids crawl into bed at night. i'm talking they say, "i want my kids to share the bed with me." (sometimes also called the "family bed.") this is something i cannot wrap my brain around. i have no idea how or why people make the choice to do this...and i'm going to explain why in the following paragraph.

first of all, kids (especially toddlers) have no real regard for others. they are selfish creatures who think the world revolves around them. therefore, when they are "sharing" something (like a bed) with you...they just want to be comfortable. (they don't care about your well being.) if comfortable for them is shoving their head in your rib cage and their feet in your husband's man parts...they will do it. if comfortable is pushing you off the pillow so they can use it, they will do it. if comfortable for them is accidentally poking you in the eyeball and shoving their toe in your anus, they will do it. in fact, this is what finally prompted me to get out of bed last night and sleep on the couch. i mean, i'm fun, people...but when i felt ella's toe trying to insert into my anal cavity last night, i got the hell outta there. i shit you not, she was in a dead sleep and was trying to insert a big toe enema in my asshole. (wtf!?) (this was after multiple attempts to make this arrangement work.) i turned upside down on the bed, had my hair ripped out by her hand, got karate chopped in the left breast and throat punched in the esophagus. (this all really happened.) my husband sleeps similar to a corpse, so i have no idea if he really felt anything from her flailing. finally, when i couldn't take anymore during night three of this nonsense...i opted for the sofa instead.

now we only had to do this because we were visiting my parents (to celebrate the rising of jesus from the tomb), and ran out of room at their house. ella didn't want to sleep on a crib mattress on the floor...so we made an exception and she slept with us. don't get me wrong, when my kids are sick and need extra snuggles and shit...i'm not a full blown bed nazi. i allow them to sleep with us if those are the circumstances. when they were super little newborn people as well, they spent a lot of time with me in my bed. however, on a daily basis (otherwise)...you better believe they sleep in their own beds. i read an article one time about co-sleeping and it mentioned that some parents think it's "cruel" to confine a child to a crib or "traumatizing" to isolate them in their own bedroom. (what?) pretty sure both my husband and i were caged in a crib and later made to sleep in our own beds when we were kids. (the horror!) neither of us turned out to be axe murders and i certainly didn't want to serve my mother's head on a silver platter at easter dinner because of this. (in other words, we turned out normal.) again, if you believe in this business...i will try not to judge you, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around this concept. i will also make a bold statement that i would rather saw off my own leg (sans anesthetic) and use it as an oar while boating in the ocean. moreover, that boat could be a kayak and i could be many miles off shore with a school of sharks swimming around my severed limb. i'm not even exaggerating, that's how much i hate it.

the real kick in the taco is when i "woke up" (using that loosely), this morning on the couch, ella came out of the room and said, "mommy! i slept so good last night!" i felt like saying, "do you remember throat punching me and sticking your toe in my ass!? cause that was really disturbing." (i didn't...but it was on the tip of my tongue.) anyway, after three nights of this sleeping arrangement, i feel like a walking zombie. (so out of it.) my motor skills are compromised and i'm having a hard time forming full sentences. as we were packing the car to head back, i was thankful that we got to see lots of friends and family, but really i am just dreaming of routine and sleeping in my own space. about halfway back home, both children simultaneously had a meltdown. it was quick, violent and for no apparent reason. (those are the best kind.) although it was over quickly, i shot butch a look that said, "these are YOUR children." (not mine.) don't you love when you go there? like when your children act up and suddenly you take no responsibility for helping to create them? ella flies off the handle sometimes and he'll say, "she's you. she's acting just like you." (well she's also half you, you ahole.) carrie get's really obnoxious about her food sometimes (like irate) and i'll just turn to him and say, "well she's acting like you again." (like she isn't half mine.) anyway, i snapped dual pictures during the simultaneous meltdowns.

shortly after this, ella was happily singing the ABC song and carrie was clapping along. (kids are so strange.) i know both were just pissed off about having to sit in the car strapped in for so long, and really i don't blame them. (i was pissed off about being in the car on this beautiful day, as well.) so anyway, like i said before...whatever you have to do to sustain yourself with your own children is free of judgement from me. you wanna breast feed until they are five years of age? have at it, nipple queen. you wanna make your own baby food? you go girl, give gerber a run for their money. you wanna co-sleep with your kids? good luck you walking zombie. however, if you would rather use your own severed limb as an oar in the ocean, while surrounded by sharks...i don't think co-sleeping is for you. (just sayin.) hopefully when i lay my children down to bed tonight, i will be able to enjoy a full nights rest sans shots to the left breast or a toddler toe in my ass. (it wasn't pretty.) at the end of the day, all parents are just praying for one thing...that we aren't aren't raising future axe murderers. for now, i am doing the best i can with what i know, and hoping for a positive outcome. remember when referring to parenting, only the strong shall survive. furthermore, all other parents who fail may or may not have their heads served on a silver platter by their children at a holiday dinner. fingers crossed that one day it isn't mine.