summer

so it feels like it's been forever since i've written about anything and truth be told, my brain really does get a bit mushy in the summer. mushy as in...making complete sentences and basic skills (like writing) fall by the wayside. this being said, that doesn't mean that a shit ton of funny stuff hasn't happened all around me. it just means i didn't have the mental capacity to sit down before now and write about it. there have been a few highlights from the past few weeks that i would like to share...and they are as follows:

first of all, guess who grew these fine specimens in her own home garden? (not this girl.) you'd never guess that it was...fen! (farmer fen?) i went over for girls night a coupla weeks ago and these beauties were displayed on her kitchen counter. well, they weren't displayed in this fashion, but really i'm a 15 year old...so i put them in a cock and ball arrangement and snapped a picture. (of course.) look at the size of that zucchini, people! i said, "um, are you going for the guinness book of world records or what?!" she laughed and said no while sipping her wine. holy green thumb, fen! (well done.) meanwhile at our ranch, warren has been trying to grow tomatoes all summer. he always plants a crazy amount of plants and seeds, but they only produce like...one. (one tomato all summer. i'm not kidding.) it makes him irate every year, but he does it the same way each time. (like for the past 5 years.) when friends of ours give us vegetables out of their garden (like fen did), he gets like garden envy and super jealous of their green thumb skills. mostly i think he is pissed they are saving more money than he is, because vegetables are so expensive at the grocery store. he is still waiting for some of our plants to produce and i don't have the heart to tell him that i'm pretty sure the one tomato that became ripe (and we ate) three weeks ago is all he's gonna get. (give it up.)

moreover, my husband has to be the only man in the world that will use a coupon to get 50 cents off of a loaf of bread...and then blow 300 dollars at the casino and act like it's no big deal. (that happened.) i mean, what is the thought process there? the kid will clip coupons...and then turn around and act like he's donald trump while at the tropicana? (ok then.) i didn't get hyper about it because we do have a little more money to play with in the summer. we don't have to pay for things like daycare and excessive gas. however, i did give him some hell...because like every other middle class family, we have enough to pay our bills and that's about it. (hence, the coupons.) anyway, when the boys (aka my brothers and husband) made a "plan" to go to atlantic city for their birthdays, i was a bit concerned. i've said before that sending my youngest brother daisy and warren out into the world together is like sending helen keller and ray charles on a date...in a corn maze. (no bueno.) adding my other brother into the mix is just another monkey wrench into the equation. butch had stars in his eyes about the trip for weeks and then when my brothers mentioned they reserved the penthouse at the casino i think he about lost his mind. (blew a goddamn gasket.)

this is the first photo i got from the three of them shortly after they checked in. i will say that i really did want my husband to have a good time, i just didn't want him to get arrested...or die. the three of them will not divulge alllll details about the evening, but i do know that the following happened: butch was hit on by a prostitute but didn't know it until she said, "how much are you willing to pay for a good time?" he said, "what do you mean?" it took him a minute to "get it." (i wonder if prostitutes take coupons or give discounts?) secondly, daisy tried to buy a prostitute a drink, but didn't know she was a prostitute. (he was "shocked" when he found out.) there was also something about a group of african american midgets they were dancing with, but they didn't go into great detail. (i don't know.) remember how i said they reserved the penthouse? it was complete with a bar and fireplace, also had beds galore. the only one who stayed there was butch and it was for about three hours. both brothers went missing midevening. they showed up the next morning and it came to light that daisy slept in the elevator most of the night, then got kicked out of the casino for doing so. my other brother may or may not have disappeared with a MILF. my question is...who reserves the penthouse and hardly uses it? (them.) money well spent, fellas. (well spent, indeed.)

so after my husband's pretend taping of hangover IV, i got to have my own little rendezvous with freedom as well. the next morning i gave them some time and texted to make sure all were alive. (they were.) butch sounded like he had been drugged and beat with a billy club when i talked to him on the phone, but assured me that he would be home in a couple hours so that i could leave and meet my family for dinner. in the meantime, i played with the girls and ran errands. about midmorning, though, i noticed that my two year old was feeling a little warm. (ruh roh.) she had a full blown high fever by the time he got back and i knew this was going to be a bit of a problem for him. (he doesn't deal well with sick kids.) she was acting all hannibal lecter and i asked him if i should even go...he assured me he would be fine. i gave strict instructions about medicine dosage, packed up a duffle bag, and went on my way.  (sayonara suckkaaaaaaa!) i rolled down the windows, turned the music way up, and looked over both shoulders to make sure there weren't any toddlers chasing me down the street. i would take a bullet for either kid, but breaks are necessary. (otherwise, you end up burnt out.) anyways, as i headed out i shot a text to my family members and it read as follows, "on my way, bitttchhhesss!" (so eloquent.) making my father proud, one text message at a time.

this picture was taken before the festivities actually began. i'm not sure what i was going for here, but i look like a goddamn mental patient. we rode like that down the elevator and into the lobby. my mother informed me that if my dad was waiting there he would, "not be happy with our antics." (what else is new?) he was outside having a smoke so i didn't have to avoid his dirty looks. at one point we had to all cram into my husband's matchbox size car to go back to the hotel after dinner, we were standing on the streets of philly wondering how we were going to get 5 grown ass adults and a large cooler (it was byob) into the car so we could get out of there. my brothers and dad went to work pulling out the carseats and then started trying to jam everything in the trunk. there were expletives flying out of my fathers mouth as he slammed an umbrella stroller in and out of the back of the car, trying to get it to fit. i also heard him saying something about us getting a "goddamn minivan" because this was just ridiculous. i heard the f bomb fly a coupla times, too. my mom and i stood on the sidewalk and just watched the whole thing unfold. (it was hilarious.) daisy also video taped part of this, but somehow when all was done, we fit in the car. my mom, dad, and i were in the backseat with the stroller across all of our legs. daisy was in the front seat with a full sized cooler on his lap. (he was moaning.) my other brother drove. when we arrived at the hotel i started singing circus music as we all fell out into the hotel parking lot. (it wasn't pretty.) we took a cab after that.

surprisingly, the evening was pretty low key. i mean, i woke up sans car keys and credit card...but that's pretty standard for me. my dad was not happy when this all came to light, but instead of saying anything just shook his head and fell silent for a while. (this is typical.) i found my keys behind the front desk in the lobby (no idea how they got there) and after checking my online statement, tracked down my credit card at the last place we were at. (yahtzee!) i don't get to see my family much during the school year, so it was nice hanging out with them. when i got back onto the highway to head back home i got a call from butch. he stated that carrie was acting crazy. turns out both of them somehow contracted coxsackie's disease, which is more commonly known as hand, foot, and mouth virus. ella didn't start showing signs of it until last tuesday, though...right in the middle of a swim lesson. i saw her shivering like hell on the side of the pool and she started crying uncontrollably. i had to do the walk of shame out of the aquatic center and i swear i felt like i was on an episode of teen mom. people were staring at me like i was a bad mother and i bet most thought that she was just scared of the water and not sick. she had to miss lessons all last week, but we headed back to the pool today, now that she is no longer acting like hannibal lecter. (last week was a heluva week.) i'm soaking each warm day in for what it's worth...whether it's riding a luggage cart or sitting in a library with my kids for story hour, i've enjoyed every minute (except maybe the coxsackie's disease). may your beer be cold and the sun be hot, because old man winter is just waiting in the wings to wack us with a snowball...highlight reel the shit out of summer, people. salud!