poop

my day started at approximately 6:32am, when i heard screams coming from the bathroom. i knew they weren't screams of pain and was very well aware they were screams of sibling warfare. (there is a difference.) my husband had been up earlier getting ready for work and both kids had heard him and so graciously got out of bed to greet him at around 5:57am. when he went downstairs, i was still in bed and that's when i was loudly called to duty. i sat up and saw my four year old (naked from the waist down) pulling my two year old away from the toilet...by her head. i said, "what is going on!?" over carrie's screams, ella yelled (while still holding her sister's head), "she wants to flush my poop down the toilet but i don't want her to...cause it's MY poop!" (i'm gonna lose my shit.) i said, "WHAT?!...and let go of your sister's head!" she let go and carrie made a bee line for the toilet and attempted to flush it just as ella grabbed her hand and pulled her away. (more screams.) i got up and walked to the bathroom. ella went on, "i just took a POOP! look at it!" (no thanks.) i said, "so let me get this straight, you took a poop and you guys are fighting over who gets to FLUSH IT!?" ella said yes...and carrie nodded. (they were very serious.) if i wouldn't have started laughing in that moment, i assure you i'd be running down the street to the nearest insane asylum. i made the executive decision that ella should get to flush it, cause she deposited in the toilet. carrie would just have to wait until she drops her own deuce in the commode to get that privilege. (however, if ella ever wants to give carrie a courtesy flush...she can.) it's before 7am and i'm playing judge judy about flushing privileges. (why did i procreate again?)

anyway, this was a real struggle in my house this morning...so you can imagine what the rest of the summer has been like. (mayhem.) my children are pretty well behaved for the most part, but they still are an incredible pain in the ass. (as most children are.) so when i had the chance on monday to head up to my hometown to see my youngest brother (daisy) for his birthday, i jumped at the chance. 24 hours to not make anyone meals, wipe anyone's ass, or break up any fights about flushing? yes, please. so anyway, my uncle decided at the last minute to carpool with me and that probably wasn't a good choice. we are cut from the same mold and like to act up equally...so there is no person to hit the brakes between us and tell us to back it down. as you can imagine, the drive up and the drive back was something out of an SNL skit and quite honestly should have been videotaped. we made many unnecessary stops and i can't divulge all the details, but at one point we were belting out in the air tonight better than phil collins ever could. (air drum solo included.) when we arrived on the scene, the first thing we did was hit the local sub shop, that i've talked about in previous posts. aside from me thinking they put crack in the bread, it's the best thing you will ever eat. i haven't found anything like it in maryland and should the italian stallion that owns the place decide to come here and set up shop...he'd be a millionaire. i also would have to take up stock in jenny craig because i'd weigh well over 467 pounds (approximately) from his delicacies. after filling our bellies with cheesesteaks and italian subs, we took the windy country road out to my parents house.

when we arrived, no one was home so we both cracked a beer and hung out (and laughed) some more. shortly after, my 21 year old brother (the birthday boy) strolled in and after that in came my dad. in the mean time, it started pouring buckets and it was quite some time before my dad actually got out of the car and into the house. (grand entrance.) however, when he did arrive...he was carrying a large plumbing snake in his hands and said that he had "a bit of a problem." i've heard this line, "a bit of a problem" out of him over the years and it almost always usually ends up to be much more than a "bit." he mentioned something about water in the basement and went off to "fix" the problem. i walked to the top of the basement steps and could see the water rising. i looked over to see my father snaking the hell out of a drain. i yelled, "dad! what the hell! this looks pretty bad!" he said (standing in about 3 inches of water), "nah, it'll be ok...just gotta get this clog out." (yeah ok...) after about 20 minutes with the snake, he realized it wasn't working. my brother, my uncle, and i were just sitting on the driveway, drinking beers, and enjoying the show. (i expected nothing less when i arrived home.) then he recruited my uncle to stand watch over the septic tank to see if it was bubbling. ("here, just stare at this shit in the hole and tell me if it bubbles." -my dad) my uncle stood watch and i stood by...hoping that the shit would fly up in some body's face. (it didn't. rats.) there were, in fact, bubbles...so my dad knew the water in the basement was actually backup from the septic tank. so to be clear...he was sloshing, snaking, and standing in shit laced water for about a half an hour before he realized it. (par for the course.) he didn't seem fazed by this realization...but the rest of us thought it was pretty funny.

my mom bounced through the door wearing her rose colored glasses and was super excited to have everyone home (like the shit in the septic tank, she's real bubbly). she had called me on the way up and asked me if she should get banners, balloons, and a cake for daisy's birthday bash. (it was at a local restaurant. not chuck e cheese.)  i assured her that he was turning 21...not 10. so all that fanfare would not be necessary. (she was bummed.) as we got out of the car to go to dinner, my brother looked over at me and said, "why the hell are you dressed like kim kardashian. you know we we are in the county, right?" (wise ass.) i explained that i haven't got out of my gym shorts and tank top a lot this summer and wanted to look half way decent. he replied, "ok, kim." (guess the leopard print was too much? whatever.) as he ordered his first beer, i tried to remember the very first time i ordered a drink at a bar. (turns out i can't remember shit.) i do remember though, for the first year or so feeling so out of place inside a saloon...like i wasn't supposed to be there. after 11 years of this, i don't feel weird anymore. (however, i still get carded.) i also remember way back when saying, "the summer that my youngest brother turns 21, and my other brother turns 30...i will be 32." i also remember cringing then and thinking that 32 was SO OLD. (guess what? i don't think that anymore.) the night went off pretty normally, daisy ripped some shots, my family shot pool and got wound up...i fell asleep at the bar for 2 hours while everyone partied around me. it was like weekend at bernie's with a short, married, mother of two. (totally normal evening.)

when i woke up (using that loosely) the next morning i was on the couch and i looked over to see daisy sprawled out in the foyer in front of the main door...he was fully clothed. (well done, daisy.) everyone else at the house had to go to work, except for my uncle and i. we decided to take a hungover tour of our home county. one of the stops included a trip to the salvation army. let it be said that i shouldn't have been let loose in that place with my uncle and a hangover. i ended up buying the most ridiculously big, yellow prom dress. (for no apparent reason.) i put it on over my clothes in the place and he clapped and said, "oh! it's so pretty! you should by it!" (i did.) i have no clue where the hell i am going to ever wear it, but knew that my two dress up queens at home would love it. (they did.) i often say to butch...what if adults acted like toddlers? like what if we changed our wardrobe 23 times a day and one thing was more ridiculous than the next. when i got home ella was wearing pajamas, princess heels, an innertube  hat, and had a wand in her hand. carrie was wearing squeaky slippers, a fedora, and also was waving a wand. this was probably their 8th (at least) costume change for the day i'm sure and they love every minute of it. they then both took turns taking shits so i could catch up on any ass wiping i missed the previous two days. (almost instantly after i got home.) there are lots of things about parenthood i wasn't warned about....but i think that my most recent revelation has to be the most profound, it is as follows: you may find yourself breaking up fights in the bathroom...over who gets to flush a pile of feces. (that, my friends, is one for the record books.) moreover, when you doubt your decision to procreate, go away for a night and bring home a used prom gown and let the poop queens play dress up. trust me...in the end, everyone will be better for it.