wine

i'd say 93% of the time (give or take), my husband can call me out when it's about to be "my time of the month." (that oh so special time.) i usually spaz out about something stupid and he'll just look at me and say, "you are about to get your period, aren't you!?" i hate (HATE) when that happens...being called out that is, because you know deep down inside your inner crazy is being unleashed, but there really is nothing you can do about it. i'm pretty sure that i wigged about him turning on the electric fireplace and i screamed something asinine. (like a psycho.) he just walked away and i went out into the kitchen and thought, "holy christ, that was so uncalled for, what the hell is wrong with me?!" so when he came back downstairs, i said, "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have yelled like that about something so stupid." he said, "well i walked upstairs thinking that i married an asshole, but i then knew you were probably just getting your lady friend." (he was right. damnit.) so anyway, that same night (after my kids were in bed), i went upstairs with a glass of wine, my laptop, and settled in to watch a movie. (alone.) butch stayed downstairs and was playing weird warlord games on his phone. (whatever works.)

so about a half an hour into the movie, i heard a violent knock at the door. (several violent knocks, actually.) it was like 8 o'clockish, and i had no idea who it could be. of course, the dog went apeshit barking and acting like a lunatic. i just paused the movie and listened to see how it would play out. let me say that prior to answering the door, i almost always put our dog (penelope) in her crate. if i don't...she paw punches people in the private parts. she's what cesar millan would call a "jumper." (it's what i would call, "an animal acting like an asshole.") anyways, i didn't hear butch put her in the crate and i also heard him unbolt the door and open it up. (uh oh.) as the door creaked open, all i could hear was (loud) laughter. (really loud.) it was like a belly laugh from deep down inside of someone, and i knew it wasn't coming from my husband. after the laughter died down, i heard the guy say something about "not wanting the wine to freeze outside." (what?) they were also talking about some other stupid shit i couldn't make out. i didn't run downstairs (mainly because i wasn't wearing pants), but after i heard the door close i knew it was safe to proceed.

i walked down the steps and warren was standing there pulling wine bottles out of a rather large box. (i looked out the window to see a fed ex truck pulling away.) he was wearing this:

so now, you see why the laughter of the delivery man was boisterous and bold? i yelped, "WTF are you wearing!? you wore that to answer the door!?" he just laughed and said, "yeah, who cares. it's cold down here and i wasn't going to come up to change." i replied, "you could've removed the (weird) HAT at least." he shrugged his shoulders (ignoring my comment) and said, "look at all this wine! i got a great deal on groupon and i got all of these for $55 dollars! it's usually $14.99 a bottle!" i shook my head. he went on..."this is the mystery red 12 pack! it looks amazing!" (so do your black long johns.) i sighed and told him i was going back up to finish my movie. he was still inspecting the bottles of wine and commenting on each one as i walked up the steps. i took a deep breath and tried not to wig out (calm the inner crazy), but was still wondering why any sane person would open the door wearing what he was wearing. (wow.) i later asked him about penelope and if she got a nut shot in and he said, "no, i cracked the door ever so slightly and then i used my one leg to kick her from behind the whole time that he was here." i don't know how he grabbed the heavy box while doing that, but i really don't want to know. 

so fast forward to today, we are wrapping up a weekend with a visit from his college roommate. i've stated before what happens when these two nimrods get together. (it's ridiculous.) it's like hitting a rewind button and watching a bad episode of real world. on the other hand, wanna know what i did today? woke up, fed the kids, went to the grocery store, did 3 loads of laundry, went to the gym, packed lunches for the week, made a huge pot of chili for a weeknight crock pot meal, and more. wanna know what my husband did? ate, took a shit, and played wii with his former college roommate for the remainder of the day. he actually asked me at one point (as i was folding laundry) if i wanted to play with him and i said dryly, "no, i have adult things to get done around here." he and his friend chuckled. (laugh it up aholes!) it's no longer sunday funday, it's sunday get shit done day. (dick.) i stopped by fen's this morning (when i was about to flip my lid on him), and she got me under control. she also shared with me that she took her sister to mass the night before and the entire thing was in...FRENCH. her sister (who laughs a lot), could not get her shit together for most of the mass, due to the language mix up. (awesome.) taking her visiting sister to church, only to have the whole thing in french? that would only happen to fen.

in the next breath, i mentioned the fact (to the both of them)...that i would like to give up alcohol for a month. her sister just stared at me and said, "why would you do that?" (like i was nuts.) fen then said, "well, i'll do it with you." that was at about 11am this morning, and we talked each other out of that nonsense by 3pm. (what are friends for?) we may try to do no wine for a week, but that's as far as that goes. granted, it's going to be kinda hard with the "mystery red" wine pack warren got from groupon staring me in the face....it's wonderful ways whispering sweet nothings in my ear. (that's a bit dramatic, but if you like wine...you know what i mean.) anyway, saying goodbye to another sunday, onto another week...and i'm seriously hoping it isn't interrupted by snow. i really can't take much more of old man winter and this heartless hindrance on my life. i desperately need a beach, flip flops, and warmer weather. (pronto.) i also don't know how much more i can take of staring at my husband in that horrific hat. unlike the fed ex guy, i do not find it to be funny anymore. however, turns out everyone's a winner with the wine delivery, though, cause my children played with the box the whole weekend. (234 toys, but a box is much more awesome.) the kids pretended it was a house, a boat, a turtle shell...and then ella got in it and hid for a good half hour. just gonna throw out there that i follow through and choose not to have wine all week, i may be doing the same thing...by wednesday. don't say i didn't warn you. 

ella was inside.  i may follow suit.