solicitors

why is it that door to door salesmen and solicitors always show up at the worst possible time? typically at our house, we don't even answer the door. people that know us just walk right in, so anyone else that is knocking is not someone we really want to talk to. however, monday evening we were wrapping up dinner, i was in the kitchen doing dishes, and butch had taken carrie (who was acting like a crazy asshole) upstairs to the tub. i heard a knock, followed by our dog going ape shit...and then ella yelling, "MOMMMMEEEEE THERE IS SOOMMMMEEONNNE ATTT THE DOORRR!!!!" she was sitting right by the door. (shit.) so, you see, i couldn't really pull the "we aren't home" card because my three year old was like a goddamn megaphone and i knew the person on the other side could definitely hear her. i dried my hands and walked reluctantly to the door, opened it up, and there was a man (about as tall as me), of hispanic descent, armed with an ipad...and a smile full of straight teeth. he said, "hiii! so are youuu the ladyy of the house?!" before i could come up with something witty to say...like, "NO." i sighed and said, "yes. that's me." i almost grabbed ella, put her in front of the door and said, "no, she is." (that would've been fun.) he then introduced himself as darren, shook my hand, and started his spiel. he was really enthusiastic and upbeat. i had just finished a day of work and dinner...i was not. usually at this point, i cut them off and tell them i am not interested, but the guy was just too nice and he was kinda nervous so i didn't want to ruin his day. (no worries, my dog did a fine job of that in the near future.)

at this point, ella climbed down from her supper chair...face covered in whatever we were eating that night and started poking me in the ass. i turned around to look at her and she said (and i quote), "who is this man." (who. is. this. man.) like he's a gentlemen caller and she caught me in a web of lies. i said, "can you please go find your father?" she skipped away (in the opposite direction of her dad) and then i suddenly heard carrie start screaming as if butch was inflicting pain on her...on purpose. oh, and not to mention i had the dog in her crate and she was also going bananas. whining, barking, yelping. (the works.) it was right then that i wished i could have grown a rubber leg and kicked myself in the ass for even opening the door in the first place. (seriously.) he was trying to talk over the nonsense and i was trying to listen and act like barnum and bailey weren't present in my home. all i caught was something about BG&E and electric and going green. just as ella was yelling loudly into a toy microphone from the living room, i heard carrie really escalate to full blown psycho upstairs, i told him to "hold on" and closed the door in his face. i ran up the steps and whisper yelled, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON UP HERE!!!" my husband was washing the little one, who was still screaming for no apparent reason...and he said, "i don't know why she's crying." i told him about the guy on the porch. he then said, "well tell him to get the hell out of here." (bah!) so i went back downstairs and opened the door. i didn't expect to see darren...i thought darren would've taken the hint to get the hell off our porch. (he did not.) there he stood and he must've read my facial cues because he said, "listen, i'll be in your neighborhood for another 20 minutes. do you want me to come back?" (no.) i said, "sure." just as the words escaped my lips...our dog escaped her cage, ran out the door, and crotch chopped him with both of her paws. (i shit you not.) he doubled over, grabbed his man parts, and told me he'd be back in 20 minutes. (jesus christ.)

i went upstairs and got carrie under control, put ella in the tub, and told butch that he would have to talk to this guy when he came back, because i felt too bad blowing him off. he agreed, but only because he knew he wouldn't have to deal with the kids for the 15 minutes he was having that conversation. anyway, sure as shit the guy showed back up and this time we let him in the house. he came in sorta covering his crotch...protecting his balls from the beast. he sat down at the pub table and i apologized for the craziness he endured 20 minutes earlier. (including the double paw crotch chop.) he said (kinda startled), "hey! that's what families are for...right?" (right.) yes...and that's why god also created wine and whiskey. (want some?) after darren's full blown dissertation about going green, we couldn't do it because we were locked in on our electric rate for another two years. (good.) shortly after he said goodbye, we put both the kids up to bed and i settled in on the couch for the one silent hour i get between their bedtime and mine. the dog was outside and barked to get back in, just as carrie started crying on the monitor and ella yelled something about being "firsty" loudly from upstairs. butch turned to me slowly and said, "i seriously just want to throw all of them in the backyard, lock the door, and go to bed. they can fend for themselves." i lost my shit laughing. the sad thing is, it didn't sound like too bad of an idea at that point. (i didn't have one ounce of patience left.) about 30 minutes later, (thankfully) the house fell silent, i sat sipping my tea on the couch...and thought about dusting off the straight jacket in the hall closet. (i keep it for special occasions, like nights such as these.) had darren come back, i would've kindly asked him to tighten the straps...but not before handing him an ice pack for his private parts. nonetheless, i'm pretty sure we won't be seeing him again. perfect.