goggles

whether you are a working mother or not...it's no small feat to make dinner when your children are in the house with you. when your attention suddenly shifts from them to food, all hell breaks loose.  (every time.) on the days i don't go to the gym, i come home and get busy making dinner right away. (on the days i do go to the gym, my husband usually sets shit on fire.) it doesn't matter if my two cherubs are quietly playing together peacefully in the living room, when they hear me slice into the first onion or peel the package of meat open...they use this as their catalyst for disaster. yesterday i was elbows deep in raw turkey meat (making mini meatloaves) and carrie came out into the kitchen and pushed her way between me and the cabinets. she wrapped both of her arms around my legs and latched on. i looked down to see her looking up at me, mouth agape, yelling something (baby obscenities?) and i knew if i scooped her up...i would inadvertently slather her with salmonella. i had no choice to just let her scream for the time being. (music to my ears while making dinner.) in the meantime, ella came out shortly after and squawked, "i'm hunnnnnngrrryyyy ANNNDD firrrrrssstttyyyyyyy mommmmmmeeeeeeee!!!!!!" (for the love of...) i told her that she would have to wait a minute, to which she then started crying. i shuffled over to the sink with a one year old rope wrapped around my legs and washed my hands...and then took a shot of whiskey. (just kidding, but i wanted to.)

after settling them both at the table with snacks, drinks, legos, and my good friend mickey mouse (complete with his clubhouse)...i went back to work in the kitchen. shortly after this, the nonsense continued when carrie shoved three legos in her mouth and i heard ella yell, "LEGOS ARE NOT SNAAAAACKS, TAAARRRIIEEEE!" i ran around the corner and sure enough she had three cookie shaped legos in her chops...she was chewing on them. meanwhile, her cheese curls sat untouched. (nice.) then, ella slammed her apple juice back like a college student at a frat party and started hollering for more. i wonder if butch has any idea what i go through each day while trying to make dinner...my guess is no. he just knows that when he walks in the door, there is a delicious meal on the table and suddenly sybil and her sister are on their best behavior. when we sit down to eat, i always have one foot on the floor because someone is going to need something. a refill, a napkin, ketchup, a fork...a (lego) cookie. (it's never ending.) even if i try to have everything laid out and ready, someone needs something. it's a small miracle if i don't get up from the table at least once. anyways, butch approved of my paleo inspired meal, but later admitted that he shoveled a few forkfuls of ella's ramen noodles in his mouth when i went around the corner...because he "just couldn't do without a starch." his words, not mine. (jesus.)

whenever i clean up from dinner, my husband takes our offspring up for a bath. during this time, i clean up from dinner. sometimes i try to finish doing the dishes quickly so that i can sit down for 5 minutes before they all reemerge from upstairs and start asking for shit again. as i stood at the sink last night, i heard a crazy commotion coming from above. i couldn't make it all out over the water, but it sounded like my entire kindergarten class was in the tub. (no joke.) i thought about going up to help, but decided it would be more fun to just listen from downstairs. (sorry sucker!) i did hear someone yell something about "poop"...but i ignored it, as i was elbows deep in dishwater. (no time for poop.) when carrie came down, she was wearing these:

be prepared.

apparently she was made aware of the extreme temperatures and wanted to be ready? she waddled over and gave me a big cheese face and all i could do is laugh. (a complete goof...not my child at all.) ella wasn't far behind and immediately asked me for a pack of princess gummy snacks, as soon as she walked into the room. i then heard butch yell down, "yooo! do we have any toilet paper?" i said, "i don't know, did you get out the last roll?" (because i know damn well i didn't!) he said, "ohhhhh i think i did. i guess i'm going to have to go get some." however, he wanted to make sure he got the best deal...so he sat on the computer for 25 minutes looking for coupons. (for paper that you wipe your ass with.) after i while i wigged out and said, "could you just go get it so that you can get back!?!?!" i almost asked him if he could just print out some coupons to wipe his ass with instead, but that might've been taking it a bit too far. he left before i could blurt that out. (there is always next time.)

i took the two kids upstairs and got them ready for bed. they brushed their teeth, and i read the story goodnight moon for the 234th time. ('goodnight noises, everywhere.' is my favorite part of that one.) alas, as ella was brushing her teeth i looked down to see one of carrie's socks on the side of the sink....covered in what looked like shit. i looked down at ella (who was foaming at the mouth from toothpaste) and said, "WHY is your sister's sock on the sink...covered in POOP!?" she stared at me for a second and then just started laughing. (hysterically.) she couldn't even get out what she wanted to say. (i just shook my head.) so after i put them down to bed, i ran into captain coupon and his 24 pack of scott toilet tissue in the kitchen. i said, "why the hell was carrie's sock covered in shit on the side of the bathroom sink?" he smirked, stared at me...and then said, "wellllll bath time was kind of a disaster cause i didn't check their diapers before i took them off...and carrie's diaper was loaded with CRAP." i said, " you didn't check it??...just whipped it off!?" he said, "yeah, she was standing by the tub and pulled the tabs and whipped it off and shit flew everrrrrrrywhere!" (oh my god.) after replaying the commotion in my head that i heard earlier, this all now made sense. (i was also very glad that i decided to stay downstairs.) i said, "so how the hell did her one sock get covered in shit?" he said, "after all the poop flew everywhere else...she sat down on the one sock with her shit covered ass. i couldn't clean up any more shit at that point, so i just laid it on the sink." (holy shit.)

so as the end of last night's activities came to a close, i severely needed a glass of wine but opted for a cup of hot tea instead. i sipped it slowly as butch flipped back and forth between the bowl game...and dvr'd episodes of dateline. tonight, for the sake of my sanity, i made something simple for dinner. (sausage and sweet potato fries). however, i did somehow manage to set off the smoke alarm just as butch was walking in the door. (welcome home honey!) he opened the door and was waving the blustery cold air back and forth so that it would stop beeping. i was covering carrie's ears as she screamed and ella was yelling, "WHATTTTT THAT NOISSSSSE!!!!!!!" (our neighbors love us.) moreover, i'm happy to report that there were no shit explosions in the bathroom this evening during bath time. i also will add that i am glad we are now fully stocked up on toilet paper, should such an episode occur again. however, i really gotta get going...cause i know in approximately one minute someone is going to need something. like a full grown girl scout, i have to know where everything is and be ready for anything...at all times. i'm thinking maybe i should just go ahead put on the goggles for good measure? i'll get right on it.