sunday

i remember when sunday meant one of two things: a. we would continue the festivities from the night before. (sunday funday.) or b. we would lay on the couch and watch movies and marathons of law and order SVU. (sit on your ass sunday.) now that we have moved into the land of having little people...sunday is the day of the week that i have to get everything ready for the rest of the week ahead. (get your shit together sunday.) usually, grocery shopping needs to be done, laundry needs to be caught up on, i clean, i get meals together for the week, i pack stuff for the kids they need at the sitter. it's a day to get my shit done so that i don't have to run around like an assclown all week catching up. (but guess what, i still run around like an assclown...motherhood will do that to you.) stuff they don't tell you in the parenting books number 221: you will run around like a chicken with your head cut off most days, even if you think you are prepared. anyways, i do miss sunday funday and sit on your ass sundays very much, but they just aren't in the cards for me anymore. today as i put in the 3rd load of laundry and put away the groceries (that the coupon clipper that is my husband got at the store)...i wished i could just sit on the couch and catch up on some mindless nonsense on the boob tube. (my dad used to call the television this, i still find it humorous.) the boob tube. (yes.)

before starting my sunday chores, i decided i really needed to go to the gym. i have spent the past five days imbibing in holiday food and cheer. not only did i need to go to the gym...a brief stay at the betty ford center is also in order i believe. my fitness center was packed, so i know i wasn't the only one feeling this way. (at least about the former statement.) as i hopped on the treadmill, i flipped the attached tv to the food network. i can't be the only asshole who watches chefs cook up loads of calories as i'm trying to burn them off. seems a little counterproductive if you ask me, but i know i'm not alone. i see other people tuned into the same channel and sometimes they put it on one of the big screens. (assholes aplenty.) sometimes i flip back and forth between that and sports center, so that i feel better about myself. (whatever.) as i started to sweat, i'm quite certain that both butter and booze were oozing out of my pores. i felt a little lightheaded a coupla times and also choked down some vomit at about mile 2. i hadn't taken off my mascara from the night before, so it was running down my face. (hot.) i really don't give a rats ass how i look when i'm there, but the blonde walking (ever so carefully) next to me was looking ready for the miss america pageant in her matching getup and her perfectly placed ponytail. (why.) to me, that's kinda like going out to dinner dressed in sweatpants and a sportsbra. (makes no sense.) to each his own, i guess.

i try not to judge, however there are two such patrons that really get me mentally wound up...one of which are the ones dressed in jeans. i possibly can't think of anything more uncomfortable than doing a couple of miles...in denim. a lady next to me was walking on a severe incline wearing levi's. i give her kudos for being there, but dear god lady get some shorts or something. i mean, can you imagine sweating in jeans? probably just as uncomfortable as swimming in jeans. (gross.) however, she was acting like she was climbing kilamanjaro, hanging on for dear life...her stiff pants not allowing for much movement. stop laughing, i know you've seen these people. alright, so the jeans make me nuts...and then there is an example of men like the gem that was next to me on the elliptical, who also make me crazy. after i completed my treadmill workout, i decided to hop on the elliptical on my way out, cause i could still feel figurative greenbean casserole hanging off of one ass cheek and potato filling hanging off the other. i got on a machine next to a man, probably in his mid forties,  bald, and kinda big. my ipod had died (i hate when that happens), so i didn't have my headphones in. all of a sudden (to my dismay) he began raping my ears with grunts, groans, and moans. (rape of the cochlea.) i didn't know whether he was simply raising his heart rate ...or if he was humping the handlebars. this guy was going to town, letting everyone know how good (or bad?) his workout was. his buddy came over to him at one point and asked him if he was ready to go and he said no. i almost piped in that it sounded like he just needed another minute and would also need a cold shower on his way out. (wish i would've.) so the jean wearers and the grunters are annoying at the gym, and i always happen to run into one or the other. (you prolly do, too.)

so anyway, after completing my workout next to ron jeremy, i felt like all the butter and booze from the past couple of days had evacuated my system. (thank god.) i started to feel human again....and that's always a good thing. i made my way back home in time to say goodbye to my inlaws, who are heading back out of town. having them here the past week was almost like having hired help. my mother in law was cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids...while my father in law did laundry. i could actually go to the bathroom without a little one beating down the goddamn door and i could get other household things done without a 1 or 3 year old tumor attached to me. (glorious.) moreover, today we got our christmas tree! (little full, lotta sap.) tis the season for my husband to start quoting clark griswold and company. as we decorated the house, i would've much rathered a sit on your ass sunday instead. however, it did put me into the holiday spirit. i have always loved christmas time. people seem to be nicer, kinder, more tolerable. now that i have my own kids, it's even more fun cause the magic of santa is back in the house. i also plan on doing this elf on a shelf nonsense with my kindergarteners. (stay tuned!) it's just an overall great time of year...and it makes old man winter just a little more bearable. i hope this week doesn't lead me to run around like an assclown, but i know it's gonna happen. (inevitable.) so here's to the holiday season and hopefully staying out of the betty ford center...may your days be merry and bright!