super

as i got ready to go out to my husband's holiday party last night, my three year old was eyeballing me the whole time and asking lots of questions. the one year old was also suspicious. i was putting on mascara as one kid was hanging off of one leg and the other one was trying to crawl back into my uterus and recreate her birth. (really.) i don't know how other moms feel, but when i actually get a night out i really want to do it up big...especially if it's with my husband. and by "do it up big" i mean shave my legs and straighten my hair. to top things off, i went shopping yesterday for a new dress. truth be told, i hate shopping. (hate it.) i tried on about 323 dresses and when i got to the register i said to the two (young) cashiers..."i don't know whether to go with slutty or safe." one of them yelped, "what!?" i went on, "well i have a sexy dress and a sweater dress here in my hands...and i don't know whether i should go with the slutty one or safe one. what are your thoughts?" they both lost it laughing and said i should just get both. the one girl rang both of the dresses up and said something about 95 dollars. (yeah right am i spending that on myself.) i laughed and said, "i'll just go with one. the slutty one." she said, "i don't think this dress is slutty looking." i said, "listen sister, let's call a spade, a spade...mary poppins would not wear this dress. it's not safe." after she got herself together, she agreed. the other one was cracking up and handing me an extra coupon. (i think she felt bad.) i mumbled something to them about never becoming a mother.

i have never met any of butch's coworkers before so i wanted to make a good impression. i wanted to look good...and mark my territory so to speak. it's the equivalent of a male dog peeing on things to let other dogs know that things are "theirs." (i speak the truth.) so along with the dress, i bought some new makeup. i put on some red lipstick in preparation for the event and walked into the bedroom after i applied it. my husband took one look at me and said, "oh...that's nice. you look like ronald mcdonald." and went right back to what he was doing. (not the look i was going for, warren.) he's lucky i have a sense of humor...because i lost it. i'm not kidding you, i was doubled over laughing. i said, "did you just compare me to a fast food clown!?" he said, "well you never wear that stuff...i don't know what the hell you are doing." (i don't know either.) i took off the lipstick and was still laughing about it long after i finished getting ready. (ronald mcdonald.) i also put on some dark eyeshadow to create the "smokey eye" effect and he told me i kinda looked like i got punched. (nice.) i also laughed about that one...but left it on. when fen arrived to watch the kids for a couple hours she assured me i looked nice. she also told butch he looked like he borrowed his sweater from bill cosby. (we all laughed about that one.)

the party was interesting to say the least, but it was still fun. there was a comical cast of characters that were there and i loved talking to all of them. one of the older ladies that coteaches with warren described him as "brilliant"...i just nodded my head and smiled. when she walked away he looked at me and just said, "did she just call me brilliant?!" i said yes...and then we laughed. as einstein and i made our way around the party, i met the secretary at his school, the principal, and several other teachers. during this whole time, they were referring to him by his birth name "warren"....and really i just know him (since 6th grade) as butch. i was able to bite my tongue a few times, but after a coupla beers i couldn't keep up with the charade. (i only ever call him warren when i am writing, so it was quite difficult.) i finally i broke down and told a group of people that during the day his name is warren...but everyone else in his life knows him as butch. (like clark kent and superman.) there were a few gasps, a couple nonbelievers, and then several had the general notion to high five him. (?) to really drive home the fact that i wasn't joking, i had him call my phone and i held it up. sure enough the name "butch" popped up on the screen. (people clapped.) he seemed kinda relieved that the butch nickname was out of the bag. i was also relieved because the miller lite was not allowing for any more acting. (warren who?) i think they expected him to rip off his bill cosby sweater and he'd have a big "S" on his shirt underneath. (superbutch.) when we got home, fen was holding carrie (who had woken up) and she looked like she'd been through a war. we thanked her, gave her a ball jar of boilo, and sent her on her way. best babysitter ever...because we can pay her in booze.

first snow.

we had our first snowfall in maryland today, and it always makes me feel like a kid again. (look at my kid's faces. that's exactly how i felt.) it also makes me feel like i want to bake and drink bloody marys...so that's exactly what i did this afternoon while they were napping. (who am i to go against nature?) as i whipped up a batch of brownies and the snow fell outside, i was perfectly content. butch was laying on the couch, in his normal position...scratching his ballsack, watching football. prior to the baking and bloody mary's, i had to run to the grocery store this morning for our weekly lot and i knew that i would probably be bombarded with a bunch of people that were out stocking up for the bad weather. sure enough, the store was mobbed and there was a shortage of milk, eggs, bread, and toilet paper. apparently when there is bad weather, people feel the need to...make french toast and wipe their ass more than normal?! (think about it.) the cashier was laughing about how many people were in the store and how bad they were freaking out. (i laughed along with her.) i have noticed that in maryland the hysteria is far greater than in pennsylvania. people lose their minds. a mere 2 inches of snow can shut down the entire state. (no joke.) hell, if there is ice involved, you better saddle up for a few days of going nowhere. when old man winter raises his fist, maryland cowers in fear. butch has a full snowbeard going on and is hoping for a day off tomorrow. moreover, the fancy dress is tucked away in the closet and the red lipstick is put away. i'll have to channel my inner mary poppins this week to deal with doodle, my class, and the two children that live in my house. as always, i'm up to the challenge. lois lane, over and out.