random

i'm jumping on the bandwagon and i'm posting 20 random things you may not know about me. here. we. go.

1. i have an intense fear of flying. however, i have been on a plane before. (once. when i was 6.) i hope to overcome this fear sometime soon so that i can go places. i've missed family trips to australia, the virgin islands, and several states destinations due to this nonsense. i'm not afraid to die, but i am afraid to fly.

2. i went to college for two years at shippensburg university and then decided i needed a change. i decided i wanted to go to new england to go to school. i enrolled at roger williams university in rhode island and went there for a semester. i wigged out and moved home shortly after. i often wonder how my life would be different had i stayed there.

3. i've known since 2nd grade that i wanted to be a teacher. however, i went into college with an undeclared major, switched to communications, and ended up not declaring my major to teaching until i returned to shippensburg, after my rendezvous with rhode island.

4. i don't like needles (at all), but at senior week i got my belly button pierced. it got infected that fall and my college roommate had to pull it out with a pliers. shortly after, i got my tongue pierced. i forgot i had to do a persuasive speech in a class the next day. my tongue was swollen and i gave the whole thing while drooling, with an awesome added lisp. ps. i wasn't very persuasive.

5. i always thought i wanted to have 5 children. now that i have two, i feel like it's enough. i love my kids, but goddamnit they are a lot of work. (however, i haven't ruled out a 3rd...but not for a coupla years.)

6. being a mother is by far the hardest thing i've ever had to do. childbirth was my most epic life event to date.

7. i've grew up in a super small town with big hearted people. although i miss small town living, i now can't imagine living anywhere but maryland.

8. my first car was a used 1995 BMW 5 series. my sophomore year of college butch and i drove this car to california and back. we took 3 weeks, $1000 dollars each...and a tent. one of the best experiences of my life and sometimes i wish i could do again.

9. when i accepted my first teaching job, the principal offered me either a kindergarten or 5th grade position. i took the kindergarten position...because i feared the 5th graders would all be taller than me. i now know that is my niche and will probably finish out the next 22 years teaching 5 year olds. i love it.

10. in high school i lost a very close friend in a tragic hiking accident. it changed me in a lot of ways. many years after,  i married his best friend and our first child was born 11 years later on the exact day that he died.

11. i believe everything happens for a reason. i don't think we meet people by accident and i believe individuals come in and out of our lives on an as needed basis. i believe in god and have given the sermon at my hometown church. more than once.

12. i'm glad that i grew up with two brothers and never wished i had a sister. moreover, i always pictured myself having boys, rather than little ladies. this being said, it kind of terrifies me to see how the dynamic between my own two girls will play out over the next couple of years.

13. i like my showers, my soup, and my coffee all the same way. scalding hot. if it doesn't give me third degree burns or scorch my tongue...it's not hot enough.

14. i eat bacon almost everyday.

15. my grandmother was one of the most influential people in my life. she used to send me handwritten letters weekly and i saved a bunch of them. i read them when i'm missing her.

16. i like to hear people's stories and when i talk to people, i ask a lot of questions. i'm not nosey...just curious. people have a tendancy to overshare when talking to me...and i'm okay with that. conversely, i overshare with people and i always tell people how i feel about them.

17. i want to live at the beach someday, and i believe i most likely will.

18. along with the flying fear, i have a fear of people choking. i once had to perform the heimlich maneuver on a student and afterwards i had so much adrenaline pumping through my system i almost passed out.

19.  i don't watch the news. ever. maybe that makes me an ignorant person, but i really don't care. half of the stuff on there is depressing and the other half is nonsense. no thanks.

20. i love to read books and write often. even though i am typically a loud person, the library is one of my most favorite places.

in conclusion, if you gained anything from this list...it should be this: if i was flying on a plane and someone choked on their chewing gum, i would stroke the hell out and probably be escorted out in handcuffs post landing. pretty awesome.

laughing

i go to bed early every night, but somehow i still feel like dog shit every morning at 5:30am when i have to get up. (literally, like dog shit.) as i made my way into the bathroom, my husband was just getting out of the shower. his first words to me? "guess. what. day. it. is?" (quoting the geico camel, naturally.) i don't know what goes on at your place of business on a wednesday, but there is usually one jackass walking around quoting that commercial. (i'm usually that jackass.) however, i've spoken before about my dislike for doing normal things (such as talking) in the morning...so i just stared at him. i know damn well he wanted me to yell, "HUMMMPPP DAYYYYYY!" but i wasn't going there. anyway, i reluctantly put myself together, slapped on some makeup, and went down to the kitchen. i saw him making a turkey sandwich for his lunch. i breezed by him and all of a sudden he started singing the turkey song by adam sandler. (turkey for me, turkey for you, i eat my turkey in a big brown shoe!) i whipped around and squawked, "REALLY? i'm in no mood." he replied, "well i can tell...just judging by the way you let the F bomb fly at the dog upstairs!" i did, in fact, let the f bomb fly at the dog. i love my dog, but goddamnit she is like an enema. wherever i am, she has to be. (inserted in my anus.) if it's not one of my kids up my ass, it's her. i nearly tripped over her getting ready and i said, "GET THE EFF OUT OF HERE!!!" (i didn't say eff.) butch went on..."it was pure rage." (this made me laugh.) apparently 5:30am is too early to let the F bomb fly. (my apologies.)

usually in the afternoon, i am much more pleasant to deal with. i can do normal things like talk...and tolerate such nonsense as the turkey song. however, yesterday afternoon warren decided to throw a curve ball. he had a half day of work and the children were napping at the sitter, so i just told him i would pick them up after work as usual. he then texted me to let me he was going to the movie theatre. by himself. to see some weird fantasy slash scifi movie (nerd.) i went on to tell him that he was a nerd, but it was his time so he could do whatever he wanted with it. when he got home from his date with himself, i asked him if there were any other creepy guys by themselves at the theatre with him on a tuesday afternoon. he stated, "lots." (oh good.) as i was making dinner, he was behind me opening the mail. i heard him gasp. (loudly.) i turned around and his eyes were as big as saucers, bugging out of his head. i said calmly, "what." he said (and i quote), "i WON a FREE tablet!!" i said, "for what." he gleefully stated, "um, i dunno...for being awesome i guess?!" (yeah, that's it.) he said, "BUT THAT'S NOT ALL FOLKS! I ALSO WON A FREE $100 GIFT CARD for dinner!" i saw what he had in his hand and it was definitely junk mail, but i didn't want to burst his bubble just yet, so i said..."are you going to call the number on it?" before i got the question out of my mouth he was in the other room on the phone.

i could hear him answering questions. "yes. married. two. home owner." (employed? single or married? kids? rent or own?) when he started giving his full name i yelled, "butch, don't get DUPED!" to which i heard him run up the steps away from me so that i was out of earshot. (dear god.) i continued to make dinner, while ella and carrie played (slash fought) in the living room, the dog was sitting right next to the stove staring at me, plotting another adventure up my anus i'm sure. about 15 minutes later he came downstairs. he was all aglow. he said excitedly, "so look! here's the deal! WE have to go there to pick it up." i said, "what do you mean "WE"?" he stated, "well, the lady said we BOTH have to be there, and we can even take the kids! it's like a warehouse that sells discounted electronics and they want to give us the tour before they give us the free stuff." i said, "does anything about what you just said sound a little sketchy to you!?" he looked flabbergasted, "YOU MEAN YOU AREN'T GOING TO GO!?" i said, "hell no i'm not going to go!!! and take the KIDS? are you CRAZY?!" he just stared at me like i was from outerspace, so i went on. "so they want us to come to some WAREHOUSE to claim our free tablet and free gift card?? um NO, butch...they really want us to come so that they can steal our children who are perfectly suitable for the black market and then cut out our adult livers to sell on CRAIGSLIST. that's what they want to do!" (i was irate.)

he started laughing (like an assclown), but then said, "i'm going." (he was suddenly dead serious again.) i said, "you are not going. you are an idiot." (bubble burst.) i could see his wheels turning and then he said, "ohhhh mannn!! your brother is coming this weekend, right!?" i said, "yes...but what does that have to do with anything." he yelped, "maybe i can ask HIM to go with me...as my gay PARTNER! they never asked me if you were male or female! that will work, RIGHT?" i yelled, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PRETEND TO BE GAY WITH MY BROTHER SO THAT YOU CAN GO TO SOME WAREHOUSE AND GET A FREE TABLET AND FREE GIFT CARD!" he said (ignoring me), "if your brother goes with me, i can give HIM the tablet and WE can use the gift card?" (still dead serious.) i yelled, "it's NOT HAPPENING!" i then told him i was done with the conversation and went back to rolling my meatballs. all the while laughing on the inside. this all being said, if would've brought me this nonsense this morning, as opposed to yesterday afternoon...i would've LOST. MY. MIND. i assure you that if this happened to be his choice for an early morning conversation, he would have the spatula that i was using for my eggs inserted directly in his asshole. (painfully and violently.)

i laughed a couple of times today thinking about this aforementioned conversation. i also wonder if he still thinks that he's actually going to go to this "warehouse" this weekend to get his free shit. i guarantee today he was thinking about how he can do this, or how he can convince me to go with him. apparently the people were adamant that we both had to be there...my guess is because two livers are better than one. consequently, during my reading lesson, we were learning about the word 'like.' the kids were all talking about things they like. one of them mentioned that they like playing games on their tablet...and i burst out laughing. (bet it wasn't free from a sketchy warehouse!) then we did the corresponding worksheet and the kids had to draw a picture of something they like to finish a sentence. i was walking around the room and came across this gem.

it's a bird...it's a plane....it's a....?!?!! (spaceship.) ok, what did you think it was? (pervert.)

and so at the close of another day...i'm reminded once again to keep laughing. laughing when my husband comes up with the next cockamaime coupon scheme. laughing when my students draw pictures that look like penises. laughing when i am nearly run over by a krispy kreme truck while jogging. (that really happened after work. i screamed and everything.) laughing when my one year old drops a deuce...in the bathtub. (happened, tonight.) just keep laughing. happy hump day, y'all! i'm happier than a camel on wednesday.

dinosaurs

i started my day with my husband sauntering into the kitchen like a walking britannica book stating, "they found a new dinosaur. it's twice the size of the t-rex...and it's a flesh eater." i nodded my head and flipped my eggs. (he was talking about it like it was alive.) happy with my head nod...he went on, "they found it in utah. isn't that awesome?" i nodded again and pulled my bacon out of the microwave. now typically, i don't say too much in the morning...especially if it's about extinct reptiles. flesh eating dinosaurs aren't something that really get me fired up for the day. my husband, however, felt this was something he really had to share. i shook my head as he left for work and went upstairs to wake up thing one and thing two from their slumber. some mornings, ella pretends like she can't walk so that i have to make two separate trips to the car with her and her sister. (it's awesome.) this particular morning though, she sprung up outta her bed and said, "gooooooood morrrrrninnnngggg, mommmmmeeee!" (dear god.) i mustered all the enthusiasm i could and said, "good morning, pretty girl! how are you?" she replied, "i'm good...and i didn't poop my pants!" (that's always a plus.) she was extra talkative on the way to the sitters and carrie just sat there, sucked her fingers, and stared at her. (i shared her sentiment.) so after a conversation about why the clouds were purple, why the red light turned green, why the leaves were blowing around, and why the moon was still in the sky...i dropped them off and said goodbye. (good golly.)

as i arrived to work, i had high hopes for the day. i do love my job, but sometimes it's really draining. kids can suck the life outta you...whether they are your own or others. you have to start the day with a positive outlook, or things go downhill fast. kids can sense these things, like dogs...and they feed off of any feelings you are having. first thing this morning i had a little boy walk up to my desk (as i was going through their nightly folders) and he slapped his kid friendly scissors in the palm of my hand. he then said, "here. my mom said she wants you to hold onto these until i need them." we are well into the school year, so i said, "why?" he cocked his head to one side and said, "welllllllllll last night i may have cut my hair with my scissors at home and she's afraid i'm going to do it here." (ok then.) i just smiled and asked him if he thought it might happen at school, too. he said, "i'm not sure how it happened at home, i just wanted to do it....so you better just keep them." i looked really serious and told him i would safely keep them until he needed to use them for his work. he skipped away from my desk and a saw the patch of hair missing from the back of his head. (i laughed on the inside.) this isn't as bad as a student i had last year who cut another student's eyelashes off because he wondered what his friend would look like without them. (if you are wondering, he looked ridiculous.)

after a reading lesson and a snack, we had playtime. we are one of the few counties (and schools) that allow playtime in kindergarten anymore. it's so sad! kids need to play, and they learn so much about social skills during this time; how to talk to and interact with one another, how to share, how to treat one another. playtime is pertinent to growth. if i was told i couldn't have it, i'd probably do it anyway. (shhhhh.) anyways, i was on the floor doing a puzzle with one of my children who has some special needs (yes, sometimes i play with the kids) and i heard another child yell, "oh my goodness, look at sammy's face!" i turned to see sammy, proud as a peacock i might add...coming out of the bathroom with a stellar set of green glasses drawn on his little face. his facial expression alone was priceless...now add the self drawn green glasses and it's a recipe for silliness. i lost it. it was one of the moments in my career that was so hysterically funny that i couldn't get myself together. the kids then all lost it as well. we were all just laughing for a good couple minutes. then, though, i had to get it together because i knew damn well if these kids believed that i thought this was funny...they would all be drawing on their own faces. (disaster.) i looked directly at him and yelped, "REALLY?!" he said, "what?!" we had a courageous conversation about the proper use of markers in the classroom. (ie/markers are for paper, not faces.) i then asked him in front of the group if he needed to owe me some playtime so that he would remember to never do this again. he showed some remorse and said, "no, i won't do it again...but it was kinda fun." (i bet it was.) i soooo wanted to snap a picture, but didn't want to further condone the behavior. (highhhlarious to look at, though.)

someone asked me if the marker was permanent. (um, no.) leaving permanent markers out in a kindergarten classroom is like leaving shots of fireball whiskey out at an alcoholics anonymous meeting. (no bueno.) if this were the case, permanent marker could be found everywhere...walls, floors, desks, faces, nothing would be safe. ever notice how kids will find the one thing in the room they are not supposed to have? (they are masters at this.) i swear my one year old has her own personal scavenger hunt everyday, looking for things that she shouldn't have. sometimes i pull things out of her mouth and i have no idea where she even found them in the first place. anyway, i was working on washing the silly spectacles off of my friend sammy's face...when he started rubbing my stomach. (he was about eye level to it.) he then said, "hey! are you growing a baby in there?" (ah gees.) i said, "no, no babies in there." he said, "well i think you are...it's getting bigger." (oh great.) i went to the gym this afternoon and really banged it out trying to burn some extra calories, because there's nothing like a 5 year old without a filter to get you motivated. i got as much of the green as i could off of his face, but i had to write a note to the parents about the incident. (that was fun.) i wonder if they reprimanded him about it or laughed. (i hope it was a little bit of both...but mostly the latter.) furthermore, as i was making dinner at my own house, carrie got into some stickers and put them all over her own face. this time, we did snap a picture.

after i got home from the gym, i ran upstairs to shower and shortly after i heard the dog going nuts downstairs. as i was drying my hair with a towel, i heard a voice that i've never heard before...coming from inside my house. butch is notorious for getting duped into salesmen and solicitors of this nature, so i wasn't surprised. i came downstairs to find a huge african american male (over 6'8'', more than 300lbs) named anthony trying to get butch to switch our cable from verizon to comcast. (the man was mammoth in size.) ella and carrie looked like polly pockets compared to him. he was whispering sweet nothings about free this and free that...i knew damn well a change was in our future. i said hello and walked out into the kitchen. (this is all you warren.) about a half an hour later, we had an appointment to switch back to comcast on this sunday. our appointment is between 10 and 12pm on that day...so that means they are gonna show by like 5pm and we will waste our entire sunday waiting for them. no worries though, we'll be home anyway...because my dad is also coming that day to install a garbage disposal. for the past 2 months we've had a bucket under the kitchen sink catching any water that squirts out from a hole in the side of the plumbing. (awesome.) maybe some people think i make this stuff up, maybe some people can relate, maybe some people just like to laugh along. however i do know this for sure, if you start your day with a conversation about dinosaurs and you end your day having a conversation with a man that is as big as one...things just seem to come full circle.

scary

this is what we had for dinner tonight. grilled pork loin ala butch. i only can work out two days a week, due to scheduling conflicts... and usually on those days i have dinner for my husband ready to go (like a casserole) or i have something easy (like a frozen pizza) for the oven. tonight i left this nice slab of meat and thought chef warren could handle it. (bobby flay he is not.) that being said, he is usually pretty good on the grill, but tonight? not so much. i got home shortly after he put it on and went outside to push the girls on the swings. he was working on some sides inside. (i asked him if he had things under control, he said yes.) shortly after, i saw some smoke billowing out of the grill but didn't really think anything of it. he came flying out of the backdoor (beer in hand), opened the lid, and the entire loin was engulfed in flames. he screamed like a little girl, ella shrieked, "FIRRRRE!" and carrie got scared and started crying. guess what i was doing? (if you guessed laughing...you are correct.) he grabbed some tongs and pulled it out...then replied, "ah GEES, didn't you see all the SMOKE!?" i replied through my small seizure that i did see the smoke, but didn't think the whole damn thing was on fire. upon inspection, he felt he could salvage the meat and started cutting the black outer layer off. (delish.) we added some barbecue sauce on top and called it a day. note to self...do not leave large (flammable) cuts of meat as a running night meal, leave pizza. it's safer.

a couple nights before, i was thinking about how nice it is to now have both children consistently sleeping through the night. the days of feeling like a walking zombie have passed and it is a rare occasion that either child wakes up at our house. (it's glorious.) that being said, ella decided that monday evening she was going to break the streak and torture us slowly throughout the wee hours of the morning. (joy.) here's the thing about parenting, as soon as you have something figured out, or think things are going well, or say something outloud about it...your kids will make a liar out of you. (every. single. time.) for some reason on monday, i had a really tough time falling asleep. my husband, on the other hand, is always out the minute his head hits the pillow. moreover, throughout the evening he hardly even moves. it's kinda like sleeping with a corpse. there are often times i wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep...i always look over just to make sure that he is still breathing. this such evening though, i tossed and turned and finally fell asleep somewhere around 11:30. at approximately 12:04am, i heard whines and moans from across the hall. (dammit.) i darted upright and ran over, expecting a fever or some other toddlerhood tragedy. when i walked in the room, my tenacious three year old stopped crying and said, "mommmeeee, i fink there is a ghost in hereeeeee!" her eyes were darting around the room. (umm what?!)

i was still half asleep but i said, "a WHAT?!" she said, "a ghost!" after my eyes darted around the room a few times, i told her to lay back down...and that i would call ghostbusters in the morning. she nodded her head. (even though she had no idea what this meant, i found this to be amusing.) so she laid back down, i tucked her in and went back to bed. at approximately 12:34am, more moans, more whines, more nonsense. (why god.) i went back over. "mommmmeee i am firrrsttyyyyy." (thirsty.) i got her water, laid her back down and i went back to bed. at 1:09am, "mommmeee i need some fox!" (socks.) got her some socks, laid her back down and went back to bed. (catching a pattern here?) so when the fourth occurrence happened and i felt like i was really losing my mind i called in for back up. i whispered, "butch....(louder) butch....(loudest) BUUUTTTCH!" he gasped, sat upright, rubbed his eyes and yelled, 'WHAT!" boy body parts were flying all over the place. (i laughed.) "what are you LAUGHING ABOUT!" through my delusional hysterics i stated, "ella has been up 3 times in the past 2 hours...this is her 4th time up, it's your turn." he stumbled out of bed, put on shorts, relieved himself...and then went over. only to come back a few seconds later and say, "she peed through her diaper, can you change her?" (UGHHHHHHH.) so i went back over, changed her (and the sheets) and went back to bed. finally at 4am when i heard more whines (for the love of...), i asked him if he could go over and lay down the law. enough was enough. (this means war.)

so i heard him stomp over and squawk (in a whisper yell, as to not wake up her sister), "ella! you don't need anything else but to just go to SLEEP. i need sleep, you need sleep...we all need SLEEP! if mommy or i hear you again we are closing your door. go to bed!" i heard her reluctantly say, "awwwwwiiiiiiittttteeeee." (alright.) at this point, the evening was shot. we normally wake up at 5:30am and it was alright pushing 5am. when the alarm went off, we both looked like axe murderers and i cursed myself for even THINKING about how nice it was to have the kids consistently sleeping through the night. (liar liar, pants on fire.) so anyway, another joy to parenthood played out in our house monday night. after a long day of work on tuesday, i decided to treat myself to a quiet trip to the spa. (the spa being my bathroom.) after a serious discussion with ella about ghosts, thirst, socks, and potty training, i put both kids to bed. i grabbed a glass of wine from the kitchen and sauntered desperate housewives style to the bathroom. it's been a long time since i divulged in some quiet time such as this. i poured the fancy bubble bath (body wash) into the tub and sank down in. shortly after, though, i gracefully knocked the wine glass over off of the side of the tub onto the (unforgiving) tiled floor, splashing red wine and spewing shards of glass all over the bathroom....turning my quiet time into mayhem and creating my own crime scene. (huge mess.) i just shook my head. (shit.) thank god i didn't light goddamn candles or anything, the curtain would've also been set ablaze. (so peaceful.)

as i was making the bed that night, before crawling into it (i need to have the bed made to sleep in it)...maybe that's just me. (butch thinks i'm weird.) i said, "boy, i hope we get a full nights sleep tonight." he said, "well don't go pulling any antics like you did the night before!" i said, "what antics? that was all ella." he replied, "i felt like you were schwarzkopf and we were going to war! CHARLIE IN THE TREES! CHARLIE IN THE TREES!" (his arms were flailing.) i started losing it and said, "i wasn't that dramatic when i woke you up. he said, "well you scared the shit outta me. don't do it again!" (alright then.) anyway, as we round out wednesday with a charbroiled piece of pork i'm hoping the week can only get better. tomorrow is halloween and i'm so pumped my kids are old enough to go trick or treating...so i can steal the candy from them. (sorry, kids, the snickers are mine.) you bet your sweet ass we will find the houses that are giving out full size bars and go back...twice. (there is nothing fun about fun size, people.) i'm hoping that more consistent sleep filled nights await us, but now that i've shared this with all of you...it's bound to be a thing of the past. moreover, the bowlegged baby still doesn't have all of her teeth...so i know that torture train is just around the next bend. (teething? yesssss!) i know other parents can relate to this lively warfare otherwise known as parenthood...however it may not be as scary as ghosts in your kid's bedroom, crime scenes in the bathroom, or parched pieces of pork for dinner. trust me, though, i feel your pain. stormin' norman...over and out.

poison

it was brought to my attention yesterday (at the dinner table) that my husband has poison ivy...on his penis. (my god.) i was elbows deep in a taco and he leaned over and said, "so i think i have poison ivy on the back of my neck, can you look?" i examined it, and sure enough he had some there. i knew that he had been in the woods working on a haunted halloween trail for a party this past weekend, but didn't know that he had been in contact with poisonous plants. i started swallowing some rice and he looked over  at me and said (while chewing), "i think may have some 'down there' as well." he eyeballed his manhood. after choking slightly, i slowly placed my fork back on my plate and said, "are you telling me that you have poison ivy on your PENIS!?" he raised his eyebrows and replied, "yeah...i mean, it was kinda itchy today and i think there is a small patch of it on there." he acted as if this was no big deal...and then after some thought, i gasped. (loudly.) martial events from in the bedroom the night before played out in my head and i yelled, "what do you MEAN it's on your PENIS?!" he said (calmly), "what?" i said, "don't WHAT me! WHAT about LAST NIGHT!?" then a minute later, he said (while smirking), "oh." oh yeah, pal...poison in my lady parts?! (houston, we have a problem.) i started to feel sick to my stomach and feared our mexican feast was going to fly out of my mouth any minute. i got up from the table and walked out into the kitchen. (deep breaths.)

our kids were at the table with us, so i didn't want to go all ape shit in front of them...but i was having a slight panic attack. i'm sorry if the thought of poison ivy permeating my private parts was a little over whelming, but it was. i was having a moment by the sink when he walked out into the kitchen, slapped my ass and said, "so any chance of it happening again tonight?" i turned around and almost assaulted him with the sponge and soap. i squawked, "are you KIDDING ME? do you really think this is FUNNY?!" he was laughing. (a lot.) in that moment, i almost called the gynecologist...but the thought of their facial expressions on the other end of the line was too much for me to handle. i'm sure they have 'heard it all' before...but i know damn well they aren't getting daily calls about poison ivy infected penises. so, i did the next best thing (maybe.)...i texted a friend of my brother's (who is a doctor) and asked him for his expertise. (dear lord.) this guy is a family friend whom i've known for years, so i had no problem asking him about it. however, i had lost my phone a month or so ago and didn't have his number...so i had to text my brother for it. i just stated that i had a "health question" for our doctor friend and i needed his number. he responded quickly with the number and then said, "is everything alright, sis?" (oh boy.) although i didn't want to discuss my sex life with my brother, i stated that butch had poison ivy on his penis and that we may have had relations the night before. (he. went. off.)

i will censor his response, but simply put it was 'wtf'...his was not abbreviated, in all caps, with a slew of exclamation points slash question marks behind it. (wtf indeed, dear brother.) he then went on to ask me how his brother in law even ended up with poison ivy on his pecker in the first place...."what the hell was he doing, whacking off in the weeds?!" (at this point, i have to admit i was laughing. hard.) i told him about the haunted trail and the woods, and that butch may/may not have relieved himself behind a tree while up there, causing him to come in contact with the poison. all my brother said was, "this is not real life."(it is.) then shortly after he became irate again and said, "WHO HAS SEX WITH POISON ON THEIR DICK?" (i couldn't breathe.) so in the midst of talking to him about this, i texted the young doctor. this is what i said: "butch just discovered poison ivy on his PENIS. we had intercourse last night. i'm wondering if this is cause for concern. and please stop laughing." he wrote back rather quickly and stated that he literally had to pull off the road upon reading that. (oh good.) and before giving some medical advice, said some stuff, including (but not limited to), "poison ivy in your box?! you cannot make this shit up." (no, sir. no i cannot.) judging from his ridiculous reaction, i'm quite certain the nurses station at my lady doctor would've been losing their minds laughing, "holy shit sally! get a load of THIS story..."while i wait on hold. (no, thanks.) basically, he stated that if was going to be a problem, i'd be well aware of the problem. plus, they would probably just prescribe prednisone if it was really bad. (oh perfect.)

so here we are two days post poisonous penis and i have no problems to report thus far. however, i don't feel like i'm out of the woods just yet (pun intended). i'm a married mother of two children and i have a full time job...believe me when i say i do not have time for a box botany science project gone wrong. i'd imagine that poison ivy in your lady garden would not be a walk in the park. (just a hunch.) as the panic of this incident passed, i had to deal with my husband walking around the house later last night thrusting his hips in my direction and making a hissing sound...acting as if his penis was a poisonous snake. (i'm glad you are laughing, cause i wasn't.) he did this again this morning while i was making my coffee. (he thinks he's funny.) maybe you read all this and thought, "well, what about him?! i hope he's okay?" he's fine. (trust me.) i asked him this morning how it was and he said, "it's just itchy, but if it gets real bad i'll just slap some calamine down there." (jesus christ.) so, as you can see, we are off to a stellar start to the week. my long distance run on sunday prepared me for a lot of things, but it did not prepare me for poison ivy on my husband's penis. thank god there are adult beverages to deal with incidents such as these. king cobra is working late tonight and i'm glad i don't have to deal with his nonsense. my potentially venomous vagina and i are enjoying some alone time with some wine, but don't worry...i have a bottle of benadryl nearby. bottoms up.

ten

ella chose not to nap yesterday...instead she serenaded us from her bedroom with the abc song. over, and over, and over. (and over.) she even was clapping for herself after each round. i was standing in the bathroom at one point and i then heard her making up lyrics to other ridiculous songs. my personal favorite was, "you can climb the TOWER, but you can't get the peanut BUTTER!!!" i laughed my ass off and went to tell butch. where does she come up with this stuff? maybe this is a three year old's metaphor for life? when i went in to get her after 2 hours of singing, she said, "hello mommy, i pooped. change me please." (oh crap. literally.) i said, "what in the world were you singing!?" she got all embarrassed and said, "just some fings i made up." (ok then.) i will say this though, if i want to get any childs' attention easily (whether it be my own, or kids in my class), i just have to sing something silly. i took notes from mary poppins and that sitter knew how to get shit done. i turn goofy stuff into a song and belt it out with an english accent and waalaa...it's much better than screaming to get them to look my way. so, i guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and i shouldn't be that surprised about my own 3 year old making up proverbial peanut butter songs. (well done, ella.)

today i laid pint sized poppins (and her sister) down at naptime and knowing butch was still in the weeds from events the night before...decided that i was going to go for a run. (a long one.) before i left, i stated, "i'm going for a run." butch replied, "i'm not." (alright.) my goal was to run 10 miles, but i didn't really map it out. i've never run more than 7 at one time, but i've talked to people and they always say, "if you can run 3 you can run 5, if you can run 5 you can run 7, if you can run 7 you can run 10...etc." i am always skeptical, but if you told me a year ago that i could run even 3 miles with out puking or passing out...i wouldn't have believed you either. (at all.) so with everyone laid down to rest at home, i laced up my sneakers to head outside...into the beautiful fall weather i may add. (epic weather.) so i kinda had a food hangover from the night before, imbibing in treats such as beer and cheese soup (good.), chili (yum.) and a plethora or dips and desserts. (yes.) i felt like hell on the first mile and thought that i may throw up. (no.) i choked down vomit and plunged through and wouldn't you know it, miles 2-4 were pretty breezy.

at about mile 4, a friend of mine (and a gaggle of guys) happened to drive by. he was honking his horn, yelling stuff out the window...and videotaping me on his phone. i was not amused, but what the hell could i do? they thought this was highly hilarious, however i was pissed they were messing with my peace. thankfully they drove on. (dipshits.) shortly after mile four, i started to lose some steam and thought maybe my goal to do 10 today was just a little out of reach. (i kept going.) it was at mile 6 that i had the sudden urge to simultaneously shit my pants and puke down my sports bra. i fought the urge successfully, but i will say sometime around mile 7 i saw jesus and we had words. i asked him for the pain to stop. instead, both of my short stocky legs suddenly felt like they were filled with cement and i had sweat coming out of places i didn't know could sweat. i stopped and looked for a song on my ipod to help me through. if jesus couldn't help me, maybe katy perry could? when i turned the bend from mile 7 to mile 8, i got a second wind and kinda felt like forest gump...the cement curse lifted, as did the need to lose my lunch. around mile 9, i really didn't think i could go any further...i kept telling myself that it was just 10 more minutes, just one more mile, but physically i felt like a train wreck. i did, however, smell the finish line and at this point i realized it was mostly mental.

when i got home and realized that i just ran 10 miles (without anyone chasing me)...i felt pretty fantastic. i'm quite certain i blacked out somewhere along the way, but i had made it. (and at least i didn't pass out or shit my own shorts.) i've stated before that motherhood can make you feel at times like you have a couple screws loose. for me, running balances that out. it's something that i can do for myself, against myself, by myself. i've come to really love it. butch thinks i'm absolutely absurd for wanting to run at all, let alone long distances like i did today. i know this because when i got home i said, "i just ran 10 miles" and he said, "what the hell is wrong with you!? i just called a bunch of people looking for you and was about to send out a search and rescue!" he was serious. (come outta the weeds, warren.) so after 2 loads of laundry, cleaning the house, making breakfast & lunch, running 10 miles, and having a pot of soup already on the stove for supper, i'm kinda feeling like suzy homemaker...on steroids. endorphins have been flowing since i've stopped and i feel like i tightened a few of those screws that were in danger of coming loose. (although, i am quite sore and will probably feel like hell tomorrow.) i will say that i'm ready to tackle another week, but i will not forget that i may be able to climb the tower, but i can't get the peanut butter. proverbs brought to you by a three year old...that somehow after a 10 mile run suddenly makes perfect sense.

marriage

five years ago on the day of our wedding, i was dressed in an ivory gown, said i do at the alter...and rode off into the sunset in a horse and carriage. (that really happened.) later that night, we danced late into the evening with family and friends, drinks in hand, and didn't have a care in the world. on the contrary, yesterday morning i rolled over at the ass crack of dawn, woke up two sleepy children, said goodbye to my husband, loaded the kids into the car to take them to the sitter...and rode off in my SUV in the pouring rain to go to work. later that night, we took the kids out for an early dinner and came home to a trash tornado made by our (spiteful) dog, then we watched dateline and went to bed. quite certain i'd prefer the former, but here's the thing...that's not real life. i mean, the actual wedding day is a beautiful thing...but it's not a precursor to how flowery and lovely your life together is going to be. life makes things messy. marriage is messy. if people expect marriage to be something out of a disney movie...they are going to be sadly mistaken. suddenly you are a mother formerly known as cinderella and you have to exchange your glass slipper for a pair of discounted nike's your husband bought you for your anniversary...in the wrong size. (yep.)

trash tornado ala penelope.

moreover, the children involved in a marriage also throw curve balls into the equation. (things the parenting books don't tell you.) for instance, i always hate when the weather changes abruptly like this from season to season, but it's probably not for the reason you may think. the real reason i hate it is because i have to swap out my childrens' wardrobe so that they are both dressed appropriately for the weather. what a pain in the dick that chore is. now if you don't have small children you are probably like, "this does not sound like a big deal...nor like a colossal pain in the dick." it is. i promise you. i wish a little clothes fairy would fly into my house during these season (and size) changes and do it for me. i try to get rid of the clothes that they never wore, throw out things that are too stained to pass on, pull out clothes for carrie from ella's old wardrobes, and figure out what i need to buy for my oldest. tis the season for footie pajamas and i'm just not ready to tackle this nonsense. plus, it's hard to figure out how to store this stuff. it's absurd, actually. i have totes and trash bags full kids clothes. anyways, i started undertaking this chore this week. i mentioned to my husband how much i hate it and he stated that if i wasn't around, our kids would just wear the same clothes for all seasons (no mention of sizes)...he would just add a sweatshirt or sweatpants on top of it when needed. (oh good.)

tutus are for every season at our house.

as i was upstairs playing clothes fairy, butch was in the kitchen and i heard him walk out into the living room and say, "oh my god...why. why, carrie, why." i ran down the steps to see that carrie had ripped every single wipe out of a brand new pack. (every single one.) he gathered them all up, handed them to me and said, "here...here's 5 dollars." (hahah!) seriously though, why do kids pick stuff like wipes to play with? it looks like that giraffe from toys r us threw up all over the living room, but my one year old finds the one pack of wipes we just bought and destroys it. (makes no sense.) meanwhile, ella was busy trying on her tutu and refusing to sit on the potty even though she just stated she "had to poop." i believe that if your child can look you in the eye when they are dropping a deuce, ask you to change them, bring you the diaper, and request powder to be poured on their butt...they are ready use the restroom. this really happens at our house. (all of it.) when she is making poop faces and telling me she is going, i ask her to go sit on the potty instead and she acts as if i told her to strangle elmo with a jumprope. (she wigs out.) when i wig out back at her, things quickly go from bad to worse and then she starts spazzing. tears, tantrums and torture. people have told me that things with potty training will eventually just "click." i always say, "when?" they say, "soon." i've been hearing this for a year. people are liars.

anyway thursday morning, while making coffee...i turned to my husband and said, "don't forget to pick up the girls today after work. i forgot to text you the day before." he stated, "yeah...i sorta remembered but still got off the wrong exit, because i was daydreaming...about gouda cheese." (i swear he said this.) i said, "what?" he said, "i got some gouda cheese at the grocery store and it was all i could think about after work...so sure enough i got off the wrong exit and was a little late to pick them up." i really couldn't make this up if i tried. i mean, i wonder what he even said to the sitter (if anything), "sorry i was late, but i had gouda on my mind?" i guess i'm glad he wasn't daydreaming about other women? if i only have gouda to compete with...i think i'm good. sure enough when i got home from running that day, he was standing there eating that cheese and also feeding it to madam mayhem and princess poopy pants. he shoved some in my face and said, "you have to try this! you have to!" i said that eating it would defeat the whole purpose of my run. he said, "WHO CARES, IT'S DELICIOUS!" (dear lord.) this is just another example of how marriage is not a fairytale...all of a sudden your prince charming is daydreaming about cheese and forgets to pick up your children. (cinderella? i think not.)

to celebrate tonight, we will not only have an overnight sitter for our children...but will also be able to stay at our own house. (in our own bed.) this may not sound like a big deal, but this is the first time in THREE YEARS (damn you offspring) that we will have the whole entire house to to OURSELVES. my aunt and uncle have graciously offered to take our two tutu wearing tootsie pops for the night. usually when we get an overnight sitter it's because we have to go somewhere far away. so although we are going to celebrate our anniversary by going out to dinner, we are most excited about a quiet, childless night at home. (weird.) and lets not forget "sleeping in" the tomorrow morning. (who am i kidding, i'll be up at 6 anyways.) tonight i'll trade in my ivory gown for a simple dress and swap my diamonds for a (free) pair of pearl earrings that my husband got me as an anniversary present. (with a coupon.) i do know one thing for sure...although our life together is not a fairytale by any means, it sure is a whole hell of alotta fun. as i woke up (early) this morning to my toddler yelling, "IT'S LIGHT OUTSIDE, mommmmEEEEEEE!" across the hallway (with poop in her pants)...i went back to the fact that somewhere in the past five years, my carriage turned into a pumpkin and my glass slipper is long gone. the funny thing is, i really wouldn't want it any other way...and it sure isn't a fairytale, but it's something much more funny. laughter keeps us moving forward and our children teach us daily what life is all about. marriage is not always pretty, often quite messy, never easy...but it is what it is.