usually in the afternoon, i am much more pleasant to deal with. i can do normal things like talk...and tolerate such nonsense as the turkey song. however, yesterday afternoon warren decided to throw a curve ball. he had a half day of work and the children were napping at the sitter, so i just told him i would pick them up after work as usual. he then texted me to let me he was going to the movie theatre. by himself. to see some weird fantasy slash scifi movie (nerd.) i went on to tell him that he was a nerd, but it was his time so he could do whatever he wanted with it. when he got home from his date with himself, i asked him if there were any other creepy guys by themselves at the theatre with him on a tuesday afternoon. he stated, "lots." (oh good.) as i was making dinner, he was behind me opening the mail. i heard him gasp. (loudly.) i turned around and his eyes were as big as saucers, bugging out of his head. i said calmly, "what." he said (and i quote), "i WON a FREE tablet!!" i said, "for what." he gleefully stated, "um, i dunno...for being awesome i guess?!" (yeah, that's it.) he said, "BUT THAT'S NOT ALL FOLKS! I ALSO WON A FREE $100 GIFT CARD for dinner!" i saw what he had in his hand and it was definitely junk mail, but i didn't want to burst his bubble just yet, so i said..."are you going to call the number on it?" before i got the question out of my mouth he was in the other room on the phone.
i could hear him answering questions. "yes. married. two. home owner." (employed? single or married? kids? rent or own?) when he started giving his full name i yelled, "butch, don't get DUPED!" to which i heard him run up the steps away from me so that i was out of earshot. (dear god.) i continued to make dinner, while ella and carrie played (slash fought) in the living room, the dog was sitting right next to the stove staring at me, plotting another adventure up my anus i'm sure. about 15 minutes later he came downstairs. he was all aglow. he said excitedly, "so look! here's the deal! WE have to go there to pick it up." i said, "what do you mean "WE"?" he stated, "well, the lady said we BOTH have to be there, and we can even take the kids! it's like a warehouse that sells discounted electronics and they want to give us the tour before they give us the free stuff." i said, "does anything about what you just said sound a little sketchy to you!?" he looked flabbergasted, "YOU MEAN YOU AREN'T GOING TO GO!?" i said, "hell no i'm not going to go!!! and take the KIDS? are you CRAZY?!" he just stared at me like i was from outerspace, so i went on. "so they want us to come to some WAREHOUSE to claim our free tablet and free gift card?? um NO, butch...they really want us to come so that they can steal our children who are perfectly suitable for the black market and then cut out our adult livers to sell on CRAIGSLIST. that's what they want to do!" (i was irate.)
he started laughing (like an assclown), but then said, "i'm going." (he was suddenly dead serious again.) i said, "you are not going. you are an idiot." (bubble burst.) i could see his wheels turning and then he said, "ohhhh mannn!! your brother is coming this weekend, right!?" i said, "yes...but what does that have to do with anything." he yelped, "maybe i can ask HIM to go with me...as my gay PARTNER! they never asked me if you were male or female! that will work, RIGHT?" i yelled, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PRETEND TO BE GAY WITH MY BROTHER SO THAT YOU CAN GO TO SOME WAREHOUSE AND GET A FREE TABLET AND FREE GIFT CARD!" he said (ignoring me), "if your brother goes with me, i can give HIM the tablet and WE can use the gift card?" (still dead serious.) i yelled, "it's NOT HAPPENING!" i then told him i was done with the conversation and went back to rolling my meatballs. all the while laughing on the inside. this all being said, if would've brought me this nonsense this morning, as opposed to yesterday afternoon...i would've LOST. MY. MIND. i assure you that if this happened to be his choice for an early morning conversation, he would have the spatula that i was using for my eggs inserted directly in his asshole. (painfully and violently.)
i laughed a couple of times today thinking about this aforementioned conversation. i also wonder if he still thinks that he's actually going to go to this "warehouse" this weekend to get his free shit. i guarantee today he was thinking about how he can do this, or how he can convince me to go with him. apparently the people were adamant that we both had to be there...my guess is because two livers are better than one. consequently, during my reading lesson, we were learning about the word 'like.' the kids were all talking about things they like. one of them mentioned that they like playing games on their tablet...and i burst out laughing. (bet it wasn't free from a sketchy warehouse!) then we did the corresponding worksheet and the kids had to draw a picture of something they like to finish a sentence. i was walking around the room and came across this gem.
it's a bird...it's a plane....it's a....?!?!! (spaceship.) ok, what did you think it was? (pervert.)
and so at the close of another day...i'm reminded once again to keep laughing. laughing when my husband comes up with the next cockamaime coupon scheme. laughing when my students draw pictures that look like penises. laughing when i am nearly run over by a krispy kreme truck while jogging. (that really happened after work. i screamed and everything.) laughing when my one year old drops a deuce...in the bathtub. (happened, tonight.) just keep laughing. happy hump day, y'all! i'm happier than a camel on wednesday.
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