scary

this is what we had for dinner tonight. grilled pork loin ala butch. i only can work out two days a week, due to scheduling conflicts... and usually on those days i have dinner for my husband ready to go (like a casserole) or i have something easy (like a frozen pizza) for the oven. tonight i left this nice slab of meat and thought chef warren could handle it. (bobby flay he is not.) that being said, he is usually pretty good on the grill, but tonight? not so much. i got home shortly after he put it on and went outside to push the girls on the swings. he was working on some sides inside. (i asked him if he had things under control, he said yes.) shortly after, i saw some smoke billowing out of the grill but didn't really think anything of it. he came flying out of the backdoor (beer in hand), opened the lid, and the entire loin was engulfed in flames. he screamed like a little girl, ella shrieked, "FIRRRRE!" and carrie got scared and started crying. guess what i was doing? (if you guessed laughing...you are correct.) he grabbed some tongs and pulled it out...then replied, "ah GEES, didn't you see all the SMOKE!?" i replied through my small seizure that i did see the smoke, but didn't think the whole damn thing was on fire. upon inspection, he felt he could salvage the meat and started cutting the black outer layer off. (delish.) we added some barbecue sauce on top and called it a day. note to self...do not leave large (flammable) cuts of meat as a running night meal, leave pizza. it's safer.

a couple nights before, i was thinking about how nice it is to now have both children consistently sleeping through the night. the days of feeling like a walking zombie have passed and it is a rare occasion that either child wakes up at our house. (it's glorious.) that being said, ella decided that monday evening she was going to break the streak and torture us slowly throughout the wee hours of the morning. (joy.) here's the thing about parenting, as soon as you have something figured out, or think things are going well, or say something outloud about it...your kids will make a liar out of you. (every. single. time.) for some reason on monday, i had a really tough time falling asleep. my husband, on the other hand, is always out the minute his head hits the pillow. moreover, throughout the evening he hardly even moves. it's kinda like sleeping with a corpse. there are often times i wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep...i always look over just to make sure that he is still breathing. this such evening though, i tossed and turned and finally fell asleep somewhere around 11:30. at approximately 12:04am, i heard whines and moans from across the hall. (dammit.) i darted upright and ran over, expecting a fever or some other toddlerhood tragedy. when i walked in the room, my tenacious three year old stopped crying and said, "mommmeeee, i fink there is a ghost in hereeeeee!" her eyes were darting around the room. (umm what?!)

i was still half asleep but i said, "a WHAT?!" she said, "a ghost!" after my eyes darted around the room a few times, i told her to lay back down...and that i would call ghostbusters in the morning. she nodded her head. (even though she had no idea what this meant, i found this to be amusing.) so she laid back down, i tucked her in and went back to bed. at approximately 12:34am, more moans, more whines, more nonsense. (why god.) i went back over. "mommmmeee i am firrrsttyyyyy." (thirsty.) i got her water, laid her back down and i went back to bed. at 1:09am, "mommmeee i need some fox!" (socks.) got her some socks, laid her back down and went back to bed. (catching a pattern here?) so when the fourth occurrence happened and i felt like i was really losing my mind i called in for back up. i whispered, "butch....(louder) butch....(loudest) BUUUTTTCH!" he gasped, sat upright, rubbed his eyes and yelled, 'WHAT!" boy body parts were flying all over the place. (i laughed.) "what are you LAUGHING ABOUT!" through my delusional hysterics i stated, "ella has been up 3 times in the past 2 hours...this is her 4th time up, it's your turn." he stumbled out of bed, put on shorts, relieved himself...and then went over. only to come back a few seconds later and say, "she peed through her diaper, can you change her?" (UGHHHHHHH.) so i went back over, changed her (and the sheets) and went back to bed. finally at 4am when i heard more whines (for the love of...), i asked him if he could go over and lay down the law. enough was enough. (this means war.)

so i heard him stomp over and squawk (in a whisper yell, as to not wake up her sister), "ella! you don't need anything else but to just go to SLEEP. i need sleep, you need sleep...we all need SLEEP! if mommy or i hear you again we are closing your door. go to bed!" i heard her reluctantly say, "awwwwwiiiiiiittttteeeee." (alright.) at this point, the evening was shot. we normally wake up at 5:30am and it was alright pushing 5am. when the alarm went off, we both looked like axe murderers and i cursed myself for even THINKING about how nice it was to have the kids consistently sleeping through the night. (liar liar, pants on fire.) so anyway, another joy to parenthood played out in our house monday night. after a long day of work on tuesday, i decided to treat myself to a quiet trip to the spa. (the spa being my bathroom.) after a serious discussion with ella about ghosts, thirst, socks, and potty training, i put both kids to bed. i grabbed a glass of wine from the kitchen and sauntered desperate housewives style to the bathroom. it's been a long time since i divulged in some quiet time such as this. i poured the fancy bubble bath (body wash) into the tub and sank down in. shortly after, though, i gracefully knocked the wine glass over off of the side of the tub onto the (unforgiving) tiled floor, splashing red wine and spewing shards of glass all over the bathroom....turning my quiet time into mayhem and creating my own crime scene. (huge mess.) i just shook my head. (shit.) thank god i didn't light goddamn candles or anything, the curtain would've also been set ablaze. (so peaceful.)

as i was making the bed that night, before crawling into it (i need to have the bed made to sleep in it)...maybe that's just me. (butch thinks i'm weird.) i said, "boy, i hope we get a full nights sleep tonight." he said, "well don't go pulling any antics like you did the night before!" i said, "what antics? that was all ella." he replied, "i felt like you were schwarzkopf and we were going to war! CHARLIE IN THE TREES! CHARLIE IN THE TREES!" (his arms were flailing.) i started losing it and said, "i wasn't that dramatic when i woke you up. he said, "well you scared the shit outta me. don't do it again!" (alright then.) anyway, as we round out wednesday with a charbroiled piece of pork i'm hoping the week can only get better. tomorrow is halloween and i'm so pumped my kids are old enough to go trick or treating...so i can steal the candy from them. (sorry, kids, the snickers are mine.) you bet your sweet ass we will find the houses that are giving out full size bars and go back...twice. (there is nothing fun about fun size, people.) i'm hoping that more consistent sleep filled nights await us, but now that i've shared this with all of you...it's bound to be a thing of the past. moreover, the bowlegged baby still doesn't have all of her teeth...so i know that torture train is just around the next bend. (teething? yesssss!) i know other parents can relate to this lively warfare otherwise known as parenthood...however it may not be as scary as ghosts in your kid's bedroom, crime scenes in the bathroom, or parched pieces of pork for dinner. trust me, though, i feel your pain. stormin' norman...over and out.