poison

it was brought to my attention yesterday (at the dinner table) that my husband has poison ivy...on his penis. (my god.) i was elbows deep in a taco and he leaned over and said, "so i think i have poison ivy on the back of my neck, can you look?" i examined it, and sure enough he had some there. i knew that he had been in the woods working on a haunted halloween trail for a party this past weekend, but didn't know that he had been in contact with poisonous plants. i started swallowing some rice and he looked over  at me and said (while chewing), "i think may have some 'down there' as well." he eyeballed his manhood. after choking slightly, i slowly placed my fork back on my plate and said, "are you telling me that you have poison ivy on your PENIS!?" he raised his eyebrows and replied, "yeah...i mean, it was kinda itchy today and i think there is a small patch of it on there." he acted as if this was no big deal...and then after some thought, i gasped. (loudly.) martial events from in the bedroom the night before played out in my head and i yelled, "what do you MEAN it's on your PENIS?!" he said (calmly), "what?" i said, "don't WHAT me! WHAT about LAST NIGHT!?" then a minute later, he said (while smirking), "oh." oh yeah, pal...poison in my lady parts?! (houston, we have a problem.) i started to feel sick to my stomach and feared our mexican feast was going to fly out of my mouth any minute. i got up from the table and walked out into the kitchen. (deep breaths.)

our kids were at the table with us, so i didn't want to go all ape shit in front of them...but i was having a slight panic attack. i'm sorry if the thought of poison ivy permeating my private parts was a little over whelming, but it was. i was having a moment by the sink when he walked out into the kitchen, slapped my ass and said, "so any chance of it happening again tonight?" i turned around and almost assaulted him with the sponge and soap. i squawked, "are you KIDDING ME? do you really think this is FUNNY?!" he was laughing. (a lot.) in that moment, i almost called the gynecologist...but the thought of their facial expressions on the other end of the line was too much for me to handle. i'm sure they have 'heard it all' before...but i know damn well they aren't getting daily calls about poison ivy infected penises. so, i did the next best thing (maybe.)...i texted a friend of my brother's (who is a doctor) and asked him for his expertise. (dear lord.) this guy is a family friend whom i've known for years, so i had no problem asking him about it. however, i had lost my phone a month or so ago and didn't have his number...so i had to text my brother for it. i just stated that i had a "health question" for our doctor friend and i needed his number. he responded quickly with the number and then said, "is everything alright, sis?" (oh boy.) although i didn't want to discuss my sex life with my brother, i stated that butch had poison ivy on his penis and that we may have had relations the night before. (he. went. off.)

i will censor his response, but simply put it was 'wtf'...his was not abbreviated, in all caps, with a slew of exclamation points slash question marks behind it. (wtf indeed, dear brother.) he then went on to ask me how his brother in law even ended up with poison ivy on his pecker in the first place...."what the hell was he doing, whacking off in the weeds?!" (at this point, i have to admit i was laughing. hard.) i told him about the haunted trail and the woods, and that butch may/may not have relieved himself behind a tree while up there, causing him to come in contact with the poison. all my brother said was, "this is not real life."(it is.) then shortly after he became irate again and said, "WHO HAS SEX WITH POISON ON THEIR DICK?" (i couldn't breathe.) so in the midst of talking to him about this, i texted the young doctor. this is what i said: "butch just discovered poison ivy on his PENIS. we had intercourse last night. i'm wondering if this is cause for concern. and please stop laughing." he wrote back rather quickly and stated that he literally had to pull off the road upon reading that. (oh good.) and before giving some medical advice, said some stuff, including (but not limited to), "poison ivy in your box?! you cannot make this shit up." (no, sir. no i cannot.) judging from his ridiculous reaction, i'm quite certain the nurses station at my lady doctor would've been losing their minds laughing, "holy shit sally! get a load of THIS story..."while i wait on hold. (no, thanks.) basically, he stated that if was going to be a problem, i'd be well aware of the problem. plus, they would probably just prescribe prednisone if it was really bad. (oh perfect.)

so here we are two days post poisonous penis and i have no problems to report thus far. however, i don't feel like i'm out of the woods just yet (pun intended). i'm a married mother of two children and i have a full time job...believe me when i say i do not have time for a box botany science project gone wrong. i'd imagine that poison ivy in your lady garden would not be a walk in the park. (just a hunch.) as the panic of this incident passed, i had to deal with my husband walking around the house later last night thrusting his hips in my direction and making a hissing sound...acting as if his penis was a poisonous snake. (i'm glad you are laughing, cause i wasn't.) he did this again this morning while i was making my coffee. (he thinks he's funny.) maybe you read all this and thought, "well, what about him?! i hope he's okay?" he's fine. (trust me.) i asked him this morning how it was and he said, "it's just itchy, but if it gets real bad i'll just slap some calamine down there." (jesus christ.) so, as you can see, we are off to a stellar start to the week. my long distance run on sunday prepared me for a lot of things, but it did not prepare me for poison ivy on my husband's penis. thank god there are adult beverages to deal with incidents such as these. king cobra is working late tonight and i'm glad i don't have to deal with his nonsense. my potentially venomous vagina and i are enjoying some alone time with some wine, but don't worry...i have a bottle of benadryl nearby. bottoms up.