hide

so i have written a shit ton of posts about poop. (pardon my pun.) when you have little people running around your house, though, a bowel movement isn't just a bodily function anymore...it's an event. for the past 4 years, i've been up to my elbows in crap. my four year old was recently potty trained, but i still can't escape the wiping aspect. one time i let her "do it herself" and it looked like she had a crime scene in her underpants when she got undressed for bathtime that night. (no thanks.) it's either clean it up now, or clean it up later. (you can't win.) recently, my two year old has come into what i call the, "hide and go shit my pants" part of toddlerhood. it comes when kids realize what they are doing isn't exactly right and want privacy, but aren't quite ready to ride the porcelain throne. usually if it gets quiet around the house, i will look around for carrie and find her one of the many places her sister used to hide in order to do a number two. these places include (but are not limited to), the princess tent, behind the recliner, in a walk in closet upstairs, under her crib, and my most recent discovery was made while i was making dinner. i yelled upstairs to ella, "have you seen your sister!?" she yelled down in a sing songy voice, "noooo mommmmeee!!!" so i called for carrie again and became a little concerned when i didn't see her materialize before my eyes. imagine my surprise when i went into the pantry for a can of black beans and saw her in there looking very much caught. my pantry now doubles as a porta potty. (just perfect.)

pantry poop.

i also love how ella now needs to announce throughout the house that she is dropping a deuce. i often hear, "i'mmmmmm poooopppinnnggg!!!" being sung slash said out of the bathroom. yesterday i caught carrie in the bathroom with ella...and they were taking simultaneous shits. (sweet jesus.) i feel at this point in the game i am a connoisseur of crap. wanna know what really gets my goat? when i walk into the bathroom for something when ella is in there and she'll say (with a dead straight face), "i want some privacy." exxxccuuusssee me!? privacy! ha! i haven't had that since you were born little lady. you used to stare at me showering from your bouncy seat because i couldn't leave you alone for 2 minutes. i actually can't even be in the bathroom without you or your sister knocking on the damn door! you want privacy!? me too. ok...so i didn't say all that, i just walked out and shut the door...but i really, really wanted to. i will say it's funny, though, to see your kid sitting on the toilet. it's almost as if you potty trained your cat. sometimes in the morning if she is going to the bathroom and the door is open to our bedroom, i get startled to see her sitting here. like she's not supposed to be able to do that herself or something. (maybe that's just me.) anyways, i actually wouldn't be that surprised if i saw the cat sitting there...stranger things have happened in my world. carrie is like a crime scene investigator when ella is in bathroom. she walks around taking in all the details...and waiting to see if her sister is going to give her the grand privilege of flushing. this is a big deal in my house...the flushing that is. sometimes i feel like i'm on a game show called, "who gets to flush the feces!?" because they make such a big deal about it.

as a mother of two young ones, you already know that i have a doctorate in dirty diapers. (as documented by this post.) pretty sure i could change one with one eye closed and one arm behind my back. (pretty sure i have.) however, i often wonder if this is going to be just another one of those things that i miss. kids fly through stages so fast and they leave each one a little more independent. if i am suddenly missing shitty diapers one day though...someone please snap me out of it. i recently watched a baby that was not mine. although he (thankfully) didn't take a crap while he was in my care, i had flashbacks of when my two ladies were that little. as i held him, it was actually really hard to remember a time when they were so needy. now that they are more independent, it feels like sooooo long ago that they were drinking out of a bottle, unable to sit up unattended...crying for no apparent reason. (really though, it was just a coupla years ago.) i can't say that i "miss" those stages...but i do wonder why they flew by so fast. when you are in them, it feels like a lifetime is going by each day and then you blink and they are hiding behind the lazy boy and crapping their pants.

lazy boy poop.

i know soon that carrie will graduate from the hide and go shit my pants part of toddlerhood and be in pull ups and pooping on the potty. i also know i still have few more years of wiping asses that are not my own, i've accepted this as just another thing they don't tell you in the parenting books. ("i'm donnnnneeee!" -kids from the bathroom) the princess tent and pantry will soon not double as porta potties, either. there are a lot of things about parenting that are awesome and lots of things about it that are shitty. (like the poop.) i often explain it to people as the best and worst thing we have ever done. (becoming parents that is.) i may complain, but i never forget that fact that i have happy, healthy children. (bowel movements and all.) moreover, i hope to share this post someday with carrie's future prom date...let's just call it a poop payback. hopefully he will find it as hilarious as i do...and i pray (after being slightly embarrassed) she has enough sense to laugh as well, because one thing i've learned from my children is to not take yourself so seriously. so i strive on in the parenting plight and hold my head high. (pinching my nose with one hand.) i tackle each debacle head on and plan to persevere, even though sometimes i want to hide from the little people in my house in the princess tent...with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn. at least one would hope i wouldn't be pooping my own pants in there, because then i'm pretty sure we would have a real problem.

princess tent poop.