jumanji

let me start by saying that there are very few things (thus far) that my husband and i disagree on when it comes to parenting. we pretty much have the same philosophy when it comes to child rearing, which makes things pretty easy when it comes to our kids. i will say, though, if there are any arguments...that i win most battles in regards to these topics. i think he kinda trusts my judgement when it comes to children, mostly because a. i have been around kids my whole life and b. i teach young children everyday. anyways, i want to tell you about a recent disagreement that just happened this past week. most nights our routine goes as follows: i start making dinner around 4pm, we eat around 5pm, kids get a bath around 6pm (which butch does while i clean up dinner), they go to bed around 7:30pm. if you dropped by our house around these times, this is pretty basically what you would see most nights. (minus a few gliches here and there.)  monday was no different...except it was. when i came downstairs after folding some laundry, the kids were watching a bedtime show. however, when i walked into the living room it wasn't caillou, curious george, or one of the other many favorites that are played each evening. when i walked in the room, robin williams (may he rest in peace) was dancing across the screen in jungle garb. i realized quickly that the movie that was on was...jumanji.

the kids were engulfed in it and i just kinda gave butch a look like, "wtf?!" he shrugged his shoulders and said, "i DVR'd it a while ago for them. i think they like it." now i know jumanji is only rated PG. according to my search on the goog it states this: "PG stands for parental guidance. this means a film is suitable for general viewing, but some scenes may be unsuitable for young children. a PG film should not unsettle a child aged around eight or older. parents should consider whether the content may upset younger children." ok, with that in mind...there were some scary scenes happening, but i will say i was kinda relieved to not see that bald whiny bastard caillou on the screen. (i hate that kid.) actually, i loved the movie jumanji and we recently introduced the goonies to our kids with no adverse affects on them...so i snuggled in on the couch and we watched. carrie was in between my legs trying recreate the birth scene, and ella was gently wrapped around my neck. (like a noose.) first there were the crazy mosquitoes that attack the characters in the car. ella yelped, "woah! those 'SKITOS are huge. glad we don't have them in our backyard!" carrie pointed and grunted. then came the over sized spiders. ella squawked, "oh! the 'BITERS are huge, too!" (i will NEVER correct ella on the proper pronunciation of mosquitos or spiders...because it's too cute.) carrie was pointing, but didn't seem too scared. they were also laughing at parts and enjoying others...so we continued watching. i looked over at butch and said, "i really hope they don't have any "b-a-d d-r-e-a-m-s" (i spelled it.) because of this. he looked up from the laptop, waved his hand and said, "oh, they won't." (famous last words.)

when we finished up the movie and we went upstairs for teeth brushing and bedtime stories, i was really hoping he was right. we have been on one hell of a streak with nighttime sleep habits. i mean, minus the week that i went back to work they have been sleeping straight through. it's nice to feel like a normal human and not a zombie. when people tell you that you will never sleep the same way again after you have a kid, BELIEVE THEM. (i promise they are not bullshitting you.) we read goodnight moon for the umpteenth time and they both laid down without issues. i read a few chapters in my book and then laid down myself. i would say at approximately 2:43am, i was awoken out of a very deep sleep by what i can only describe as whimpering. i actually thought it was the dog at first. i listened for a little bit and wondered why the one next to me NEVER hears anything at all during the night. i swear a goddamn bulldozer could back in the bedroom and he'd still be rolling over and scratching his balls like nothing happened. i wake up for a whimper and he wakes up for...nothing. i sat up as the whimper turned into a cry and then i had to decipher who was making the noise. i surely didn't want to go into the wrong room and wake the other one up, so i waited. i was half asleep (and salty), but i made my way across the hall. i realized it was ella that was up, and now she was saying something...(over and over) between cries.

i tiptoed into her room, careful not to step on any lego or lincoln log bombs. (those sons of bitches HURT.) i made it to her bed unscathed and she was pulling at her ears. she said slash cried (and i quote), "the BUGS are crawling INTO my EARS!!" (OH MY GOD.) i had a moment. now remember...i was functioning with no contacts, one eye open, and was still half asleep. i whisper gasped, "WHAT!?" she repeated a little louder, "the BUGS ARE CRAWLING into my EARS!!" (SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST!) i reached down and started running my hands on the side of her head, fully expecting to find some sort of critter. my heart started pounding and i started sweating, because i went from 0-60 and thought we would have to take her to the ER...because bugs were going to eat her brain. (i know, i'm nuts. it was the middle of the night.) i flipped on the light and said, "ELLA! i don't see any bugs!" she said (still crying), "well they are there!!" i went on, "do you have an earache??" (surely that had to be it?) she replied, "no. it's the bugs, mommy!" i was really starting to wig out, when i had a thought. certainly she had to be having a b-a-d d-r-e-a-m. (GODDAMN JUMANJI!) it was in this moment of realization that i wanted to run back over to our bedroom to my sleeping husband and double fist pound each of his testicles...i might also add cock shot for good measure. i know i agreed to the PG movie, but it was his idea in the first place...so surely it was solely his fault. (shut up.) i laid ella back down, assured her there were no 'skitos or 'biters climbing into her ears and thank god she went back to sleep.

fast forward to the moment where i was just drifting back into dreamland...and i heard more cries. this time it was carrie. (CRIPES!) sleeping beauty lay motionless next to me (of course) and did not bat one eyelash in the commotion. i flew out of bed this time and went over to my 2 year old's room. she is still in a crib, but was standing up when i entered. i said, "what's wrong?" she just cried...and then said..."juice." i shit you not, when she started the first syllable of the word, "ju..." i thought she was going to say "jumanji." i will also add that if she had said, "jumanji" and not "juice" my husbands man parts would be out of order at this very moment...because i would've physically assaulted him. because carrie isn't really talking much, i'm not sure if she just woke up thirsty for "juice." or had a b-a-d jumanji dream. either way, she was awake in the middle of the night for the first time in forever. (i blamed butch.) when i finally got her back to sleep it was approximately 4:23am. therefore, i had 67 more minutes to sleep before the alarm went off for the day. (super!) somehow, i drifted off and woke up like a spitting cobra at 5:30am. (venomous.) warren was in the shower and i walked into the bathroom. he caught one glimpse of me as he was coming out of the shower and said, "ummm...were they up last night? you look awful." here's a little tip to the men of the world, if you aren't sure whether your children were up in the middle of the night and your wife looks like hell....DON'T ASK. (just don't.) i just glared at him and said, "guess who had BAD. DREAMS?!...BOTH. of. them!!" (i wasn't sure about carrie, but wanted to make a point.)

he started laughing. laughing loudly. i was not laughing and the thought of spending the day with a bunch of fresh out of the summer kindergartners on no sleep. if i was going to survive i needed large amounts of coffee and was hoping i could push aside my spitting cobra routine. he laughed himself right out of the bathroom as i washed my face and applied makeup to the luggage under my eyes. (bags. huge ones.) we usually don't talk much in the morning, but as we made breakfast...the silence was kinda deafening. i needed someone other than myself to blame for the PG movie debacle, and he was the easiest target. so i didn't talk to him. at all. actually, had i tried to talk...making sentences at that moment might have been a struggle...so i said nothing. right before he was getting ready to leave my husband snuck up behind me and said something in a loud whisper, right into my left ear. it was (and i quote), "JUMANJI." i didn't crack at my cobra act, but he continued to whisper it in a super annoying voice from the kitchen, through the dining room, and out the front door..."JUMANJI, JUMANJI, JUMANJI..." (he thought he was really funny.) so i guess i learned my lesson when it comes to "content that may not be suitable for young children." or maybe it was just some random coincidence that ella would have a dream about bugs going into her brain and carrie would wake up the same night thirsty for some juice. (i don't know.) i do know, though, that i wish i had some real live oversized 'skitos or 'biters to put in our bed one night as a little surprise. quite certain they would actually startle my husband awake...who would be screaming and scratching much more than his ballsack in that moment. (payback.) hey, a girl can dream...and do believe that wouldn't be a bad one.