swimming

i always know when summer actually hits, because it turns into a little people nudist colony at my house. (not talking about my husband, people.) my kids shed their clothes and shoes when it heats up and don't really come in from being outside during their waking hours. they love playing in the sandbox, on the swing set...and in the mud. today my two year old sat on my lap outside and blew bubbles for 25 minutes, then both kids ran through the sprinkler like two crazy fools. i do love this about my kids, because if they didn't like being outside...it would kinda piss me off. (just telling the truth here.) i love being outdoors and seeing them run amok barefoot in the yard makes me very happy. my husband, on the other hand, enjoys a well air conditioned room and his lazy boy. he's content just layin' there...man parts akimbo, watching his episodes of bait car and spooky movies. to each is own, though, if that's what makes him happy...whatever. (he's "relaxing" as he says.) so the start of summer doesn't only mean i'm running a nudist colony in my backyard, it also means i have to catch up on cleaning and stuff that i have let go the whole school year. when i actually have a chance to sit and look around at the filth, it makes me want to do one thing...and that is burn the house down. i've had to let a lot of my cleaning psychosis go after i had children, but it still creeps in every once in a while and makes me want to light a match and set this place ablaze. moreover, i also always save summertime for other things like doctor appointments and our newest endeavour...swim lessons.

taking my kid to swim lessons is something that i see as a very "adult" thing to do. (agree?) i mean, i still feel like i'm straight out of an episode of 16 and pregnant...but here i am taking my kid to swim lessons. (maybe i'm the only one that feels this way.) i was actually really nervous on tuesday because i didn't know where the pool was, what these lessons were going to entail, and plus...i was required to actually get in the water with my just turned 4 year old. (yikes!) as we arrived at the aquatic center, i walked in the door and stated to the guy at the desk, "we are here for swim lessons, and it's our first time." he looked me in the eye and said, "oh no! didn't they call you!?" i said, "no?" he went on, "all lessons are cancelled for today." i said, "WHAT?!" a huge smile came across his face and then he said, "just kidding, here's your pass...you can go right in there to the pool and warm up." (now it was my turn to mess with him...) i yelped, "warm up!? i signed her up for a class called tadpoles...i didn't know we were here for the olympic trials?!" he lost it laughing and said, "mark will be your instructor, he will get you when he is ready. have fun!" when i walked through the doors, i fully expected (was hoping) to see a michael phelps look alike. i was sadly mistaken when a very large middle aged man, with an even larger head waved at me from the pool. he somehow stuffed himself into a full body wet suit (tight as a bologna skin) and all i could think about was how much he did not look like michael phelps. regardless, he seemed pleasant, and that was refreshing. the wet suit was a little intense...but whatever worked for mark, worked for me.

across the pool in another quadrant, there was some type of senior citizen jazzercise class going on in the water. there were about 25 women between the ages 65-85 just getting all aerobic in the waves. the instructor hopped out of the water at one point and i could see she was wearing....sneakers. (what the hell?!) turns out they were all wearing sneakers. also, there is something very wrong about the aforementioned group of women getting down to blurred lines by robin thicke. (the song was blasting.) then, a man in about his eighties walked by us in a speedo and winked at me. ella turned to me after seeing all this going on and said very seriously, "are we at the right place!?" (i lost it.) mark then told us to strip down and get into the pool. ella was very compliant and excited...and i was glad that there was only one other mom in the class, with her 4 year old son. she was 47 and had a 4 year old. (holy cripes.) i jokingly asked her if she was, "done." and she said, "um, yeah..i'm done." meanwhile this crazy ass kid was splashing her in the retinas with chlorine. ella thought this whole charade was hilarious and started belly laughing...making the kid act even more wild. most of the class was uneventful, but then mark said..."alright moms! grab a noodle and put it between your legs!?" (what in the...?) i said, "excuse me?" and gave him some eyebrows. he said (between chuckles), "you are going to ride the noodle like a horse with your child...so SADDLE UP!" (oh for fucksake.)

so there i was, straddling the noodle like it was mr. ed and ella was sitting in front of me on the same noodle laughing her head off. i was hopping up and back the length of the pool on it, like it was a goddamn pony. i gave mark a look like, "this is so eff'd up." mark thought this was highly hilarious. (you are not funny, mark.) however, this turned out to be ella's favorite part of the class...she thought it was great. i tried to remember that as i regained my dignity...which happened shortly after pulling the noodle out from in between my legs. right at the very end of swim lessons, ella declared, "i really have to go to the bathroom." now i had a coupla options here, and i knew we didn't have very long to go...so i could: a. tell her to hold it. b. tell her to pee in the pool. (which is totally what i would do.) c. take her immediately. (ps. does telling your child to pee in the pool make you a bad mother? i don't know.) and so, i went with option a and she made it the last couple of minutes. i will say, though, that whenever we are in public...we are now on a godforsaken potty tour. half the time i know damn well she doesn't have to use the bathroom, but she always asks when we are in a new place. (every. time.) i happen to hate public bathrooms, so this is something that really makes me question my choice to procreate. i always say, "just don't touch anything." and she stares at me, while touching everrrryyythhhinngg. then after we go, i want to spray her down from head to toe with sanitizer because she has touched way more then i ever would. so i really didn't know if she had to go at the aquatic center or not, so i just took her anyway. good thing i did this time, cause she actually went. (tour de shitter continues.)

we went back two more times this week for lessons and she loved every minute of them. i had to ride that noodle at every class and i really don't know if it was part of mark's regular instruction or if he just wanted to see me make an ass out of myself. either way, my kid had fun. i will tell you though, even though i said in the beginning that taking your kid to a swim lesson is a very "adult" thing to do...i felt more like a kid when i was actually there. i forgot how much fun an indoor pool and trying new things is...ella never forgets that important piece, cause she's a kid. she was splashing around and acting like it was the best day of her life. i guess one of the fun parts about parenting is living vicariously through your children and reliving your own childhood. i also know that when i sent the above picture of ella to my parents, they were living vicariously through me. (all my dad sent back was, "wow! flashback!" my mom stated, "she looks just like you did!") even though we wrapped up our lessons for this month today, we head back to the center for another 2 weeks of lessons in july. luckily, ella completed the tadpole set of sessions and is now considered a sunfish. (look out, phelps.) so when we return, i will not be required to be in the water with her...nor riding any noodles into the sunset. also, i refuse to go back in that bathroom...so i'm totally telling her it's perfectly acceptable to pee in the pool. my luck, though, she'll first announce it and then state, "my MOMMY SAID it was OKAY for me to DO" after she goes. i guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it, and if she happens to slip and fall off that bridge...at least she'll know how to swim. thank god i won't have to be there to save her...with a godforsaken noodle between my legs. saddle up!