lemons

 

when i arrived home last sunday afternoon, i felt like i was walking into a taping of "what not to wear: toddler edition." both of my girls greeted me at the door with hugs and then i leaned back and took a long look. (lemon shirt? yes.) they paraded around for a while (proud as peacocks) and then ran off to play. i walked around to the corner to find my husband lounging in his lazy boy. i said, "what the hell are they wearing?!" he replied, "i told ella to dress herself and pick something out for her sister to wear. she even dressed her for me!" (oh, good.) i went on, "did you go anywhere with them dressed like that?" he said, "yeah, the store and stuff...people were staring. who cares." he went back to watching bait car and i went about cleaning up the mess that was left from the 37 hours i was absent from our house. mothers are born multitaskers, where as men feel better focusing on one thing. my husband's goal that weekend was: "keep the kids alive." he succeeded. the fact that our kids were dressed like circus clowns, the house was in complete disarray, and the laundry was piled up just didn't matter to him. scratching his ballsack and watching the latest episode of bait car was much more important. however, i will say that my kids were happy and they had fun with their dad. he even helped ella build a tent over her bed with a...table cloth, she was thrilled. (that's a win in my book.)

although we actually had a sitter to watch our cherubs last weekend (so that we could both attend a funeral), my youngest came home from the sitter on friday with a high fever. alas, after a week, she caught the freak virus that her sister had the previous weekend. (par for the course.) i felt awful leaving her (in a hannibal lecter state) with someone else, so butch bucked up and decided to stay home with them. (i made him believe it was his idea.) even when you have things planned out, kids are perpetual monkey wrenches. i swear from the time they are born, they find a way to screw your shit up. (they love doing this.) so we have been dealing with fevers, sickness, and now a bout of bronchitis for the past 2 weeks. i haven't slept in alotta nights. (i'm spent.) after i changed the kids out of their clown costumes and gave them their first bath in a coupla days...i knew that one or both of them would probably be up in the middle of the night. (they were. both of them.) i ended up having to call off of work on monday because carrie was just so miserable. when i went in to get her on monday morning (after being up multiple times)...she looked like a train hit her. actually, she looked exactly like i felt. (her hair was AWESOME.) i ran right back out of the room to grab my phone to take a picture. as you can tell, she was not amused at all by my need to capture this kodak moment. (it makes me laugh every time i look at it.)

the week went on without incident, however my husband has been getting hyper about a few things that i would like to bring to your attention. first of all, he joined this "dollar shave club" a few months ago in an attempt to save (more) money. this "club" sends you razors each month and you pay like a dollar for them to be delivered. he was super pumped when he first signed up and shared his excitement with everyone. (a dollar! it's only a dollar!) however, he told me this week that i am going through the razors way too fast and i needed to stop switching them out so much. i was like, "listen, buddy...i have a lot more landscape to cover than you. if you don't want me to look like sasquatch's sister do not (under any circumstances) reprimand my razor usage." he replied, "well i skipped a delivery this month in order to save MORE money...i saved $1.27 by skipping!" (oh sweet jesus.) then this morning he sauntered shirtless into the bathroom and stood next to me while i was brushing my teeth. (i stared at him.) he said, "so i think i need to join the gym for like two months to work on my "beach body." i shit you not..i choked on my toothpaste as i stifled my laughter. i said, "your WHAT?!" he went on, grabbing his sides..."well what are these!?" i said, "those would be what we call "love handles." he said, "well i don't love them...oh, and i had to buy size 38 shorts the other day. i forgot to tell you that." this whole conversation amused me because a few days prior i came home from a run and he was eating a TRIPLE cheeseburger from wendy's. he leaned over and asked me if i wanted a bite while the sweat was pouring down my face. (i'll pass.)

so now that the weather has warmed up, warren wants to workout. (awesome.) i told him that with all the money he is saving with the razor club, he should have enough for a gym membership. deep down, i know this is an awful idea because he will use it like 3 times and then never again...but i'll just let mr. love handle learn this lesson for himself. when he goes back to the lazy boy and bait car routine, all will be well in the world. it's been a rough coupla weeks in our household, but we are trying to grin and bear through it all. i try to hold onto the statement, "this too shall pass." i'm completely exhausted and hope that this weekend is a relaxing one. however, i'm sure my two little monkey wrenches will find some way to mess this up. i'd bet a paycheck that either one of them is going to flip the script and wreak havoc on the weekend. both are celebrating birthday's in the next couple of days...carrie will turn two tomorrow and ella will turn four next monday. i don't know where the hell that time went. i feel like they went from helpless babies to capable circus clowns in no time flat. i will continue to be a mommy multitasker, as warren still strives in ridiculous ways to save us money. i will definitely keep you posted on his quest to get his body ready for the beach...my guess it will be one triple cheeseburger at a time. (guaranteed he as a coupon for each and every one of them.) when life hands you lemons (or lemon print shirts for that matter), take a tip from my toddlers: pair them with a plaid skirt, polka dot socks, and mismatched plastic princess heels...then parade around with your sister and act as if you rule the world. later on, relax under your tablecloth tent...and realize that tomorrow is another day to start again.