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"fill me with a baby." -my uterus

alright, so here's the thing...i'd say in the past month or so, my uterus has been talking to me. at first, it started whispering sweet nothings in my ear and it was no big deal, but this past week it went full on ape shit and i am a little startled by the whole thing. i'm not sure if this is due to recent events, such as (but not limited to): the recent potty training of my 3 year old (and her newfound independence?), the 32nd anniversary of my birth (getting older?), the fact that i attended a baby shower this week (belly envy?)...i just don't know what prompted this for sure. i do know, though, that a lot of people in my life have been firing out kids left and right. friends from near and far are either getting knocked up or ready to saddle up in the stirrups to add another person to the planet. as i knock back another glass of wine, i can't help but wonder if other women experience this. do other women have their womb whisper sweet nothings to them as well? what prompts this phenomenon? if you are guy reading this, you are probably going to have a hard time relating to this one...but you already know women are bat shit crazy, so the fact that their uterus speaks to them should come as no surprise. as mine was screaming at me this week, i debated on whether or not i should share...or if i should stuff my feelings deep down inside and try to squash my biological clock. (as usual, i chose the former.) 

prior to this post, i first shared with my husband. this is how that conversation went. "i don't know what is going on with me but my body is, like, telling me to have another baby?" (he proceeded to stare at the laptop screen. motionless.) "are you listening?" (nothing.) ella chimed in and said, "OH BOY! A BABY! A BABY!?" (it's like my uterus came to life and took the form of a three year old.) carrie clapped to get in on the action. warren stared straight ahead and said not one word. (followed by more staring.) at this point, i started laughing. i don't think he was trying to be funny at all, but his attempt to ignore me was quite hilarious. here's the thing...i've said before that right now (like this week) i really don't want another baby. we can't afford another baby. in fact, the thought of another baby makes me a little squeamish...and then my uterus starts talking again. it starts yelling at me and even though i tell it to shut the hell up, it protests. the other thing is this: although i moaned and complained throughout the first couple years of both of my kid's lives...where the hell did that time go? why does it go so fast? ella and i were talking last night at bedtime. she stated, "mommy, when i grow up...i'm going to miss you." (i had a moment.) even though i knew what she meant, i said, "what do you mean?" she said, "well, i won't live with you and stuff. i'll miss you." (another moment.) little does she know that i already miss her.

i miss the newborn she was, with all of her crazy hair and the fact that she needed me all the time. i miss the little person she turned into when she learned how to walk. i miss when the first couple of words came out of her mouth and how we treated her like she was maya angelou reading a poem...even though she only said, "ball." i miss the first time she got dressed herself and yelped, "aren't you pwoud of me!?" (no mention to the fact that she was wearing something absurd.) i miss all of those things...and i'm guessing it won't get any easier, either. so when she said she was going to miss me in her adulthood, i was already missing the first (almost) 4 years of her life. now before you call me a hypocrite and shit, i know i am a master of moaning about the crazy crap my kid's do. on a daily basis, these shenanigans and scams they pull can seem completely crazy. when you have kids, it's a never ending cycle of living a constant circus. if you are raising kids with a partner, you turn into barnum and bailey. you actually have to channel the ringling brothers so you can deal with all of their nonsense. (dancing dogs and all.) however, it seems as fast as the show comes to town...sadly, it's gonna leave. as each of my children grow and change, i celebrate every milestone...but i secretly miss the stuff they left behind. (maybe even a shitty diaper or two?) 

my children will be 2 and 4 years of age in a little more than a month. i have no idea when or how this happened or why it went so fast. they can do fun stuff now, like fight with each other. ella was in the tub last night and stole a toy from her sister. the littler one started yelling. i was downstairs doing dishes and heard butch say, "do you like to hear your sister cry?!" ella replied without missing a beat, "hearing carrie cry is music to my ears." (what the...?!) nothing like a little sibling love to snap you back into reality. (i swear on my left breast she said this.) this is a far cry from her "i will be here for whatever you need, carrie" soliloquy from the backseat of the car on monday. (seriously, ella, what the hell?) having kids is like being on a roller coaster of emotions. sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down...but at the end of the day, you are almost always glad that you got on the ride in the first place. although my uterus has been trying to convince me otherwise, i will not be filling it with a baby anytime soon. my womb will remain with a vacant sign hanging until further notice and i will continue to enjoy the roller coaster ride i'm currently on...with the help of warren and wine, of course. 

in parenthood, you are often you are climbing a hill of anticipation and uncertainty that sometimes feels never ending...and other days you are screaming on the downhill slope with your hands in the air like it's the best day of your life. let's not forget the moments that you feel like jumping off the roller coaster while it's still moving. (cause those happen, too.) with mother's day right around the corner, i am again reminded to enjoy the ride. i've accepted the fact that my house has become a big top and that butch and i have become ring masters. as the daily circus unfolds around me, i try to sit back, sip my wine, and enjoy the show. unfortunately, the final act will be over far too soon and i will be left missing the moments i thought were mundane. moments such as shirtless spaghetti night, that happened just this evening. the show must go on, people...and it's the greatest show on earth.