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so this morning (out of the blue), carrie started running a fever. (joy.) i could tell she was real ornery and crabby and not in the mood for any crap from the get go. whenever she is sick, she sheds the unicorn horn and becomes more like a creature that is not so mythical and magical. since she is only one, she uses crying and screams to vocalize her displeasure...rather than just saying, "i feel like shit. i'm sick." because she is normally so good on a daily basis, it makes it twice as bad when she isn't feeling well. we are used to an easy going, happy child...not a clingy kid with the disposition of a cobra. and so, i called the pediatrician and couldn't get her in for an appointment. therefore, i had to venture into the nearby clinic to have her checked. i've written about the joys of places such as these before, but my god this place did not disappoint today. the one i went to is called, "doctor's express." now correct me if i'm wrong, but i'm pretty sure the words "doctor" and "express" should not be used together...ever. pretty sure the word express should be saved to describe places such as the mcdonalds or starbucks drive thru...not a place that has people who are going to examine the human body, diagnose an illness, and prescribe medication. (just sayin.)

as i walked into the place, carrie was clinging to me like a spider monkey and we were the only people in the waiting room. there were 5 nurses behind the desk and they all stopped what they were doing and stared at me. this was a very diverse group of people...let me paint a picture for you: there were two african american women...one had a weave that was just spectacular. long and flowing (ala beyonce)...and included the color purple. she had matching purple eyeshadow and fake eyelashes to boot. (her scrubs were also purple.) i didn't ask, but i believe that purple must've been her favorite color. there were also two white ladies and one of them had what we call reverse mullet. it was long in the front and short and spiky in the back. it was also dyed (bleach) blonde. (awesome.) the last nurse behind the desk was hispanic and was wearing scrubs with balloons all over them. all of them seemed a little strange, but i smiled and said hello...to which one of the white ladies put up her hand and said, "can you give us just a minute? we are in the middle of ordering chinese." (ordering. chinese.) pretty sure if they were in the middle of ordering lunch, they shouldn't have shared that with me. i mean, if it was me...i would've made something up. (anything.) i wouldn't have told the patient in the waiting room that i was ordering kung pow chicken and beef and broccoli. (but whatever.)

i sat down with carrie on my lap and waited. (for them to place their order. for lunch.) carrie kept looking at all of them, then back at me. looking at them, then at me. (at least 5 times.) her facial expression was priceless. (ie/ mother...what the hell have we gotten ourselves into here.) i actually started laughing like a fool at this point. i couldn't help it. about 5 minutes later, they called me to the desk and took down all of my information. (insurance/ID and all that other BS) they told me to sit down while they processed my stuff. meanwhile, i happened to tune into what was coming through the speakers. i couldn't believe my ears. GUNS N ROSES, baby. sweet child o mine...at a doctor's office. again, correct me if i'm wrong...but GNR should NOT be played in a doctor's office...ever. axl rose was doing his thing and carrie was bobbing her head to the music. (great.) shortly after the song ended, a boy (yes, a boy) that couldn't have been older than 20, came out into the waiting room and said, "CARRIEEEEE?" he actually yelled it and looked around. WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THERE! i just stood up and shook my head and gave a little wave. that's us pal...unless there are some invisible patients i don't know about amongst the crowd. (wow.)

i followed the young feller back into a "triage" room...where he proceeded to ask me a ton of questions about carrie. his nametag read "michael barker, medical assistant." i was tempted to call him "mikey"... he looked like a mikey. i answered them the best i could...and two such questions were as follows: 1. how do you take her temperature? (rectally.) 2. is she still breastfeeding? (no.) when i answered both of the aforementioned questions...mikey blushed. (blushed.) pretty sure when you are working in the medical field (using that term loosely at this place)...you should not be blushing when talking about butts and boobs. however, there he was all red faced behaving sheepishly at the mention of carrie's tailgate and my tits. (dear god.) anyway, when scrapper was done with us...we were ushered to another room where he told me dr. frederico would be right with me. now when i heard the doctor's last name...i assumed that it would be a male or female of the hispanic race. (wouldn't you?) but no no, friends...i was proven wildly wrong, when in walked an african american male that was about 6'8 and could easily palm carrie's head with his hand no problem. i probably looked startled...but (pardon me) upon hearing "dr. frederico" i really didn't expect kareem abdul jabbar, MD to walk through that damn door.

he examined carrie and he stated that he "thought" she "probably" had an ear infection. (what?) either she has one or she doesn't...this is not a guessing game here, doc. i made a face. he looked again in her ear. he looked at me and said, "i'm going to go ahead and call in a prescription for amoxicillin." (alright then.) there was a sign on one of the cabinets that stated, "ask us how we can fill your prescriptions while you wait!" so i asked. he stated that they could fill it there, but they don't take insurance (even though they take insurance for the visit) and most cost around 15 dollars to fill. my prescriptions normally cost 5 dollars to fill, so i told him i'd pass. he gave me a squirrelly look. hey. it's a savings of 10 bucks, buddy! (butch would be proud.) he went into the hall and i heard him tell mikey to call it in. as i walked back out into the waiting room, there was one other person sitting there. it was an asian man who looked exactly like mr. miyagi. (wax on. wax off.) he was reading a book entitled, "effective work breakdown structure." (karate < business) he didn't look sick, either. (at all.) i grabbed a lollipop for carrie and got the hell outta there.

i pushed my way out of the big glass doors and after this whole experience, i legitimately felt like i was being punked. i fully expected ashton kutcher to pop out somewhere in the parking lot and tell me he was working on his next show. (seriously.) i strapped carrie in the carseat (looking over my shoulder for cameras) and proceeded to pull out. i parked weird, so i had to make a left instead of a right...causing me to circle the building. as i pulled behind the long strip mall (yes, i said a strip mall)...i saw two of the women from the front desk (weave and mullet, respectively) having a smoke break. they waved at me...and i waved back. (sundae topper right there.) needless to say, i will be following up with my primary pediatrician tomorrow...because who am i kidding, the place didn't leave me with a warm and fuzzy feeling. hell, i wouldn't have been surprised if doogie howser himself had been around to also lend his medical advice. i proceeded to tell fen about my afternoon adventure and she stated that she also first went to a place such as this a few weeks ago (when she was sick) and they told her to "let it run it's course." well, we all know where that ended...in the EMERGENCY ROOM. oh it ran it's course alright...right to the goddamn ER. (dear lord.)

i will probably be waking up with a sick baby at some point in the evening, but until then...carrie is sleeping soundly in her crib. i administered her first dose of amoxicillin before bed. she was not amused today by dr. jabbar and medical assistant mikey. i, on the other hand, could do nothing but laugh. i couldn't make this shit up if i tried. i truly hope i don't have to visit doctor's "express" anytime soon. alas, i know that things could always be worse. ear infections and express doctors offices are minor in the grand scheme of things. fen is coming over tonight to keep me company and laugh about life. quite certain a box of wine and your best friend are much better than therapy...and cheaper, too. the cast of characters that played out in my life today were nothing short of amazing. tonight i raise my glass to them...because they made my mundane trip to the doctor's office one that i could write home about. in the words of my grandmother: to the lips, to the gums, watch out tummy...here it comes! cheers.