period

so let me preface this by saying that when my kids were babies and toddlers, i had a TON of material to write about. not to say our lives are boring at this point, but they are much more...quiet. at the ripe old age of nine and eleven, my children are pretty self sufficient. however, we are now entering into the land of hormones...and hilarious conversations. in january, my first born started her MONTHLY CYCLE as my mother likes to call it. explaining what was happening to her was actually a lot easier than i thought it would be. i gave her the cliff's notes version and kept the lines of communication open by telling her if she had any questions at all she could ask me. my best friend (we will call her fen) helped her to put an app on her phone to help track it. she came to me with a few questions, but nothing crazy. well let's fast forward to THE PRESENT and a few months have passed, we are currently on the same schedule. (look out, butch.) BUT, i digress, yesterday i decided to explain this phenomenon to my second born because she couldn't understand why her sister couldn't swim the last couple of days. THAT is where the hilarity comes in. 

my younger child was splashing around solo in the pool and i casually walked up to her and said, 'i know you have been upset that your sister can't swim, so i want to tell you why.' she looked slightly scared, as if i was going to say she was allergic to water or something and their summer was ruined. still, i went on...'well, she has her period, do you know what that is?' she looked puzzled and said, 'the thing at the end of a SENTENCE?!' (off to a stellar start here.) i laughed and said, 'not that type of period...but when you start to grow up and get older your body starts changing and once a month you bleed.' her eyes literally almost popped right out of her face, 'BLEED FROM WHERE?! where is she BLEEDING FROM?' (dear lord.) i said, 'her vagina.' thank god we were alone in the backyard because she then yelped, 'WHERE IS THE VAGINA?!' (prayers, please.) now listen, i have been pretty open and honest with my kids about their bodies and stuff, but my second born is seriously a different breed. you tell her something and she pretends to listen, but really she is thinking about rainbows and unicorns in that little head of hers. 

i pointed and said, 'DOWN THERE!' she then said (visibly blown mind-enter emoji), 'wait a minute...i know you have a hole to pee from and one to poop from, but you are telling me now that there is another hole down there?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE ARE THREE HOLES?!' i was sipping water and it literally exploded out of my mouth and partially out of my nose. in that moment i wished it was a white claw or something stronger because i couldn't fathom how telling one kid about this was easy as pie, and then this other one is A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. (a whole different book.) in the meantime, my first born came sauntering out in the lawn and her sister stared at her HORRIFIED, like she was a character in a scary film. then the dog trotted out behind her and she said, 'WAIT, DO DOGS GET THEIR PERIOD'S TOO?!" i then had an legitimate outer body experience and somehow went into detail about the uterus and some other technical terms like i was teaching a health class. (holy hell.) she kind of wandered around the next hour biting her nails, and i could actually see the wheels turning and interacting with the rainbows and unicorns i talked about earlier. (at this point, i did crack a white claw.) 

my husband then was puttering around the backyard putting up lights and stuff, pretending not to listen as she rattled on about how she, 'cannot believe this'...and asking other random stuff like if she will have to wear a DIAPER when this happens to her. but about a month ago, the dog got into a box of pads upstairs (he chews everything) and came running downstairs with one stuck to his HEAD. (that really happened.) i said, 'remember when jack had that thing stuck to his head a while ago? that was a pad, you have to wear those, not diapers'. at this point i slowly turned around as butch emerged from the shed....wearing NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES. he gave me a thumbs up... and the three of us died laughing. he kept them on and wanted nothing to do with our conversation. (i don't blame him, it was a doozy.) so as we enter these years of unchartered waters, i really don't know what awaits us. i've heard teenage girls can be scary, so that might be fun wave to ride. although i've settled into motherhood over the last ten years, it continues to throw me curveballs. this curveball was in the form of a white claw worthy conversation in a chapter that i will never forget. period.

january

so it's a snowy morning in maryland and my second born is currently eating baby carrots with a side of fruit loops for breakfast. as i sit here and sip my coffee, i can't believe we are almost a year (a whole year) into this pandemic, people. since last march, we (as a whole) have questioned so many things about what is going on, but i have realized that much of it is out of our control. once you realize a lot of it is out of your control, you tend to relax a little...but it did make me realize that there are some things i am in control of...that i have (admittedly) let get a little OUT of control. starting with my health. as i near the 40 year old mark (what the hell?), i realize my body is changing in crazy ways. for example, i can't eat a cheeseburger and fries five days a week and abstain from growing a second set of ass cheeks overnight (who knew?) also, i can't wash it down with a half a box of wine or 6 pack of beer and feel like a normal human anymore. i will say this...7 years ago i made a commitment to my health, but about two years ago, i had a very (very) difficult school year. a school year with students and situations that i hadn't experienced in my entire career (it was super rough). that summer i used food and wine to feel better, but it backfired because it snowballed into feeling a lot worse for many months to come. 

right before march last year, i looked in the mirror (literally and figuratively) and realized i needed to make some changes...but then suddenly school closed, everything was shut down, i couldn't even see my family, and life as i knew it went on hold. we stayed home for 3 months and as we tried to wrap our brains around what was going on...we also ate and drank like we were on a well-stocked deserted island. then summer came and things continued to be weird, so same thing. then, the holidays (enough said)...now here we are. almost february! i decided to join the other million people that choose to make changes on january 1st. the whole30 (do the google if you don't know) seemed to be a good option for me because it entailed eating real food and cutting all the things i struggle with cutting...sugar, carbs, dairy, and god's sweet nectar (wine). for 30 days. the first couple days of january were ROUGH. along with not sleeping well (at ALL), i felt like total garbage. i almost gave up a handful of times, but took it one day at a time. my husband decided to cut out alcohol as well and followed along with MOST of the food choices. he would throw a carb (or five) in there every once in a while, however. 

the hardest part of the whole thing was meal planning and making sure everything was compliant. however...the good old inter web has about 23,948 recipes (give or take) which did make it slightly easier. after week 2 i was hooked because i was consistently sleeping, i started running or incorporating exercise into my routine again (hello endorphins)...and in general i didn't feel like a huge pile of crap. a lot of the anxiety i was having about ALL THE THINGS also was put at bay (this was a huge plus). i will say we didn't see anyone, like, the whole month...which wasn't too hard cause jack frost is nipping at our chins (and other extremities) and also, a pandemic. i'm writing this to say that if you are on the fence about making a change, DO IT. your body and mental health will be better for it. BUT, i will ALSO make this clear...i am not here to judge AT ALL. if food and alcohol are getting you through at this point, you do you boo! as february blows in with a blizzard, i will start reincorporating things like CHEESE (man i miss cheese) back into my routine. however, this past month definitely has created a good diving board for a healthier year. i'm feel 97% better than i did in december (both mentally and physically), i've restored a healthier relationship with both food and alcohol...and i also lost 10 pounds. if you are already on this journey...keep going! however, if you you need a kick in the pants...here it is. throwing fist pounds and good vibes your way, people.

fifteen

so i debated writing about this because it is a touchy (TOUCHY) subject, but IT IS WHAT IT IS...so here goes. my mind has been literally blown over the backlash toward teachers the past few months. (blown.) anyone that knows me, knows that i'm pretty outspoken about most things. however, this whole teacher bashing business has been CRAZY lately and made me quiet (until now). first of all...this is not what ANY of us signed up for. ANY HUMAN BEING right now...not just teachers. not any child right now either. this is a time of turmoil and NOT understanding what the hell is going on. this is a time of discontent. let me start by stating that i would give a LIMB to be back in the classroom teaching like normal right now (like a whole arm, or leg). most teachers would do the same. it makes me sad to think my incoming kindergarteners won't get the same experience as the ones i've taught before. we don't want to teach your children through a screen...we want to interact with them face to face and make meaningful and honest connections. my own children are DESPERATE to be back in the classroom with their teachers (they talk about it daily). other teachers in other states don't have to endure a screen...but have masks and 6 feet restrictions, which i don't really understand how that is going to work either (throwing a hunger game salute right at you). 

BUT...here is the bottom line. WE (teachers) did not make these final decisions. we didn't make the current curriculum. we (as a whole) didn't decide how and when children should return to school. honestly, we found out when the rest of the public found out. we always find out major decisions when all of you find out! we had very little say in major decisions. we are stressing, we are scared, we are anxious...like all of you! DESPITE THIS...many of us sucked it up, rolled with the punches, and accepted the new normal. even though it killed a part of us to know our whole world would be turned upside down and we would have to change everything we have known about teaching to date...we accepted it! period. after we accepted it with grace (and mild gripes) we began to build our virtual, google, and bitmoji classrooms (along with the help of coffee and tears). coming from an OLD SCHOOL pencil and paper teacher (me)...we leaned on EACH OTHER for support as many other people berated us. about a week ago i was in a really bad head space about going back to school virtually (like, bad). then i spoke with a former retired principal for 2 hours, she gave me so much insight. shortly after, i had to go to my school to pick up some supplies and ran into my teammates, one of which who got excited to show me a picture of her virtual classroom space at home. they inspired me to pick myself up and DO BETTER. this is what happened over the next few days. this space.

yesterday we had a virtual pre-launch day with our parents and kids for this next school year. i was nervous, i was scared, and i didn't know how parents were going to accept this new fate. do you know what happened? they listened, they trusted, they cared, and understood. they were KIND when my microphone didn't work and CALM when the video i was going to play didn't have sound. moreover, i saw my incoming kindergartners smiling on the other end of the video call. when i unmuted them, their giggles and "hiiiii teacher!!!" gave me peace. one yelled, 'I CANNOT WAIT TO BE A PART OF THIS CLASS!' at one point. so, no, this is not what i signed up for year 15 of teaching...but i will try my hardest to keep these kids engaged and keep the parents calm and kind. i have been lucky enough to have been around amazing educators my ENTIRE career and the thing the general public doesn't see is the behind the scenes of how committed they are to children and learning. during this crazy time, it is no different. actually...it's in OVERDRIVE. i had a parent call me today with a question and after the conversation she praised me and praised teachers and said "thank you" sincerely. DO BETTER, people. teachers everywhere are bending over backward to take care of your kids the best they can. at the end of the day...be kind. also, to those of you that are negative nellies, i'll give you some advice i give my kindergarteners...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. throwing hunger games salutes to parents and teachers everywhere this school year...you got this. 

solicitor

so let me start by saying where we live, this time of year it is hot. before you get all righteous on me and state 'IT'S SUMMER', i'm not talking summertime hot...i'm talking satan came up from the depths of hell and waved his spirit fingers full of fire all over the sky and soil. it's so hot that we have what i call a reverse hibernation thing happening here at our house...no one wants to be outside. now i will state that around 9am each day i try to get out for a little jog around the neighborhood. during these jaunts, i literally see jesus no less then 3 times, dry heave a coupla times, almost puke or pass out, and wouldn't be surprised if someone found me on the side of the road dying of dehydration (it's that hot). so this is me describing a normal morning the past 2 weeks, so imagine how blazing it is by the afternoon. i don't know what the good lord is baking up there...but it's done. i usually try to get my kids outside in the afternoon for some fresh air, but their whining trumps the weather. i've gotten creative on the inside with puzzles, paint by number, painting every room in the entire house (that happened), but yesterday we decided to do something simple. so in the heat of the afternoon, we cozied up on the couch and turned on a home improvement show on the old HGTV. because they have been helping me with things around the house, they are really into it. (which is cool, cause so am i.) so as we were watching in air conditioning, we heard a knock at the door. 

now although we don't get any pop-in visitors during this pandemic, we do get a TON of packages. i usually peek out to see who or what it is, but the dog was barking like hell...so i just went over and opened the door. instinctively, i looked down for a package, but there was no package. i then looked up and what should meet my eye, six feet away, but a masked man dressed in a black hat, a black shirt, black shorts, and black socks and shoes. he was like walking solar panel wearing reeboks and carrying a clipboard. he said, 'hello!' i said, 'hi.' (in my mind, i was like shiiiiiiiit a solicitor.) we get these guys in our neighborhood all the time...they could be selling anything from water softeners to windmills. (sidebar: i usually don't answer the door, cause i have issues saying no face to face to them.) so anyway, i was trapped. i stepped out onto the porch (cause the cold air was escaping the house) and looked over at the bay window where our dog was going ape shit. she is usually mild mannered and old, but when strangers or the UPS guy come and we are home...she goes nuts. she looked like cujo and was acting like she wanted to break through the glass and attack this man's genitals. he looked at me and said with a straight face, 'your dog is SO adorable!' i almost bust out laughing but stated, 'she doesn't like solicitors.' (either do i, but i left that out.)

he then introduced himself as 'jim' and said, 'what's your name!?' i told him. he then goes, 'oh my wordddd! that's my mom's name!' (yeah right.) then, 'what do you do for a living?' i said, 'i'm a teacher.' he stated, 'my mom was a teacher tooooo! she taught high school math.' (i teach kindergarten and dislike math...we don't have that much in common, jim.) next? 'what does your husband do?' i replied, 'he teaches middle school and is teaching a summer class upstairs right now.' he exclaimed, 'i taught middle school for 3 years! clearly i don't anymore!' (clearly.) he yelped, 'how long have you been with your husband?!' i said, '20 years.' he made some type of distorted face, pointed to his wedding ring and said, 'i've been with my wife for 2 years...what's the secret?!' i didn't miss a beat and said, 'a lot of alcohol, jim. lots and lots of alcohol.' well this sent jim into hysterics. he doubled over, was wheezing (probably partly from the heat), and thought this statement was a real KNEE SLAPPER (he was actually slapping his knee). i happened to glance back over at the bay window, and although the dog calmed down...both kids were peeking out from behind the curtain. at his point in the summer...they both look like they have escaped from a hippie commune in the 70s. they were wearing long homemade tye dye shirts, their long hair was a mess all over their heads...and they looked equal parts scared and confused about who i was talking to on the porch. jim saw me looking, glanced over...just as they let the curtains flutter back into place like horror movie. he yelped, 'awww they are SO cute!' even though they they legitimately looked like they were being held captive in their own home. 

so to be clear, he thinks our cujo-crazed dog is adorable, my feral and confused-looking children are cute, he knows my entire life story basically...AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MAN IS TRYING TO SELL ME. he must've seen the annoyance cross my face, cause besides the aforementioned fact, i was standing there sweating in the heat like a pregnant nun during confession. i knew i wasn't in any physical danger, this dude looked like if he got in a fight with my mailbox, the mailbox might win. he then laugh slash yelled, 'so i'm just here to give you a FREE ESTIMATE so that i can hook you up with new WINDOWS!' (oh, hell.) i would've given anything to stop the pain at this point, so i said, 'sure! sign me up!' he put me on speakerphone with his supervisor (named ron), who got all my information...as he is standing there with sweat squirting out of every pore. long story long, the 'estimator expert' (that's what he called him) is supposed to show up today at 5pm. later, my husband came out of the guest room from teaching his class and said, 'why was the dog barking like hell?' i told him the story about solicitor jim. he put both hands on his head and said, 'how do you get in these situations?!' (i don't know.) he went on, 'we are NOT getting new windows!' (i know.) so sometime today i have to call and cancel this appointment, which i will ultimately feel bad about. so basically i'm telling you if a walking solar panel wearing reeboks shows up at your door with a clipboard in the middle of a pandemic and heatwave...do NOT answer it. you might get more than you bargained for. stay inside and watch HGTV...it's much safer. lesson learned. 

safe

so i would say about 3 weeks before vacation i decided to order some new undergarments. as i age, functionality definitely trumps fancy in that department. i went on one of my groups of middle aged women who post the best deals on amazon (what up, kristin!) and searched through the posts. low and behold i found some that looked comfortable. i clicked order and they arrived a day later. my husband opened the package and usually doesn't comment on much...but stated, "who are THESE for?" i stated, "me!" he gave me a look somewhere between confusion and despair, but was very careful with his words. he then mumbled, "those look very SAFE." (i lost it laughing.) a few weeks later i liked my comfortable under britches so much that i ordered more of the same variety. we were traveling at the time and i said out loud, "i REALLY hope no one steals my underwear package off the porch!" without missing a beat he said, "NO ONE...literally NO ONE is going to steal those. also, they will bring them right the hell back if they do!" (again, more laughing.)

let me also say that one of the reasons (aside from functionality) i needed new undergarments is because i had to size UP. upon stepping on the scale yesterday after vacation, i realized i had undoubtedly gained the covid-15. add that to the 15 pounds i gained during the gluttony (and stress/switching jobs) of last summer, and that's an extra 30 pounds since last june. i've always been pretty candid about my weight, but the goal always is to feel healthy and happy with how my clothes are fitting. the leggings and sweatshirts i was wearing everyday during quarantine have now segued into flowy summer dresses. not getting dressed in teacher clothes since march has not been good for the waistline. i know many of you can relate, and that's why i'm sharing. however, i'm no stranger to weight gain and i think my greatest performance was my first year of college when i surpassed the freshman 15...and gained the freshman FORTY. (this is not my first rodeo.) i happen to enjoy beer and burgers (a lot), but my metabolism is that of a speed bump, so i have to watch everything i put into my body. i still run and am active everyday, but when your caloric intake is that of a sumo wrestler...watch out.

that all being said, i need to get myself together and i'm committed. my current goals are to drink more water, eat cleanly, limit alcohol, and be more mindful about my overall health. this pandemic has taken a hit on many people's mental and physical health and i know i'm not alone. you know what else i'm not alone in my lady friends? can any women out there tell me how we used to wear brassieres everyday!? (holy hell.) i've been walking around my own house like something out of a national geographic magazine, but when we were going on vacation with my husband's family, i packed a few normal knocker lockers. the first day i tried one on and was like...'nope!' so i went down to the old walmart and picked up a much more comfortable one of the hanes variety with no wire. apparently my husband didn't see it the whole vacation, because when we arrived home i was getting undressed for a shower and he whipped around and gasped. (loudly.) i said, 'WHAT?!' he then yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU LOOK LIKE MRS. DOUBTFIRE!!!" (i couldn't breathe.) with the uncertainty of next school year looming...i'm choosing to focus on comfortable undergarments, fitness goals, and humor. mrs. doubtfire...over and out.

march

so does anyone else feel like their kids' secretaries all of a sudden? i get texts from other moms like, "can clarabelle facetime with the girls at 3pm?" in my head i'm thinking, "hold on i gotta check their schedules to see if they have something else going on at that time." what? so weird. they don't have their own devices, so they use ours...hence, there has to be a middle man. the middle men are the moms. not to mention the other school related assignments and google meets. i whip out a pen and pad each morning and sit with the two of them at the kitchen table like a registrar asking them what they need to complete and by when. my first born today opened the laptop and said, "well, tomorrow i have a google meet with my class at 10:30am and my teacher wrote a note that said, DON'T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR MUSTACHE!" i just stared at her, willing her to go on, and she yelled, "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!" (she is me.) the coffee that was in mouth nearly sprayed out of my face orifice and all over my first born. soon after that my second born said, "i have a google meet tomorrow at 9:30 with my class and it says it's crazy hair day!" i said, "well your hair is always crazy, so just roll out of bed and get on!" she laughed her little head off.

as a teacher, i understand why these other teachers are throwing some flair (like crazy hair) in with these virtual meetings and chats. they are trying to accomplish one thing...and that is to keep up the kids morale. if a whole class of kids wearing mustaches makes everyone smile a bit more, well then so be it. yes, keeping up with it as a parent is not easy...but these teachers have your kid's best interest at heart. yesterday, morale was low at this house. trying to keep everyone educated, happy, and fed is getting harder each day. if you are struggling on day 239 of quarantine, you are not alone. i try to go one day at time to keep myself sane, but yesterday i came downstairs and my husband was running like hell on the treadmill, blasting 'the doors' from his record player. my first born was sitting at the table eating a snack and singing along to come on baby light my fire. meanwhile, my second born was wandering around in christmas pajamas and asked me, "what day is it again?" i literally went out in the backyard and wondered if it was too early for wine. it was like 10am. i think everyone in the world is at the same place right now...wondering when and if this will all be over. there is no timeline, so people are really getting rowdy. including me.

last night at approximately 10:23pm, my husband and i heard a huge bang come from up stairs...like, really loud. i yelped, "WHAT WAS THAAAAT?" we both ran upstairs like banshees and my second born was sitting on her bed, crying and holding her head. she wailed, "i hit my HEAAADDD!!!" we both said, "ON WHAT?!" the story she came up with was not believable and my first born was looking awfully suspicious. i know it was 100% because they were horsing around. after consoling her and coming downstairs, i had a julia roberts acting moment. you know the one where the one tear gently rolls down her cheek? that was me. on the couch. at my house. i was thinking how i miss a way earlier loud bang free bedtime with my kids. i miss a routine, i miss teaching, i miss my coworkers, i miss my family, my friends, my new niece...i miss all that stuff. so as the one tear rolled down, i poured more wine and thought about what my grandmother would do during this time. she always gave the best advice. one time in college i was going through some stuff and she looked me in the eyes and simply said, "you just need to put on your boots and march!" in other words...just keep going. so tomorrow morning i will continue honing my secretarial skills, as one kid is in a wig and other is wearing a mustache with their classmates...i will choose laugh along with them. march on, people.

sword

so last night my husband nonchalantly leaned over while we were on the couch and said the following, "i just want you to know that i ordered a stone sharpener for my sword." nothing (literally nothing) surprises me anymore, but as i peered at him over my wine glass i had only one question. so i asked, "what, exactly, are you going to use the sharpened sword for?" without missing a beat he stated, "i'm going to go out in the backyard and throw fruits and vegetables and shit up in the air and cut them in half." (what?) at this point i couldn't hold back and bust out laughing. by no means did i want to encourage this behavior...but what in the actual hell. i squawked, "are you trying to tell me quarantine has turned you into BRUCE LEE?! what are you even talking about?!" he nearly spat out his beer and started laughing as well. you are probably wondering why he would even have a 'sword' in the first place, so i'm gonna tell you the backstory.

i actually totally forgot about the sword...until last friday night on a virtual happy hour with high school friends. after three hours of nonsense with these people (and many beverages), the sword made a reappearance, following many years of isolation on the (very high) top shelf of our downstairs bathroom closet. he was waving it dangerously close to my limbs, nose, face, and ears...and no one needs to go to the emergency room right now. (which is what i tell my children on the regular when they are running around out house like crazed weasels.) i told him to put it down, but he stated, which is the same thing he stated years ago (BC-before children) when he brought it home. he said (and i quote), "DON'T WORRY...it's not BATTLE READY." (battle ready.) listen buddy, you just had about 12 beers and battle ready or not, a sword...is a sword. i mean, sure, it may not take off a limb...but it's gonna leave a flesh wound of some sort. put down the damn sword.

the actual sword.

rewind twelve years ago, in our first year of marriage, we bought our first house (this comes into play later)...he also bought this sword. it all came about when a group his friends went to a renaissance festival together in pennsylvania, and he came back to maryland with this weapon. let me state whenever this group of guys is together they act as if they are legitimate animals. animals let out of the zoo and into the world (renaissance fair) with no rules. anyway, he saunters in the door on sunday, bewildered after a wild weekend...with this sword swinging around. at that time, i would get more wound about this stuff. (now i don't even bat an eyeball.) i said, "WHAT IS THAT." (not a question, a statement.) i probably added some expletives in there as well, for good measure. he stated (same as last friday), "DON'T WORRY...it's not BATTLE READY." (cause that makes it better.) back then we weren't in the financial situation we are now, but for some reason i didn't ask in that moment how much it was.

lo and behold, a couple days later i get a call from the bank. they let me know that our (VERY FIRST) mortgage payment...had bounced. i was talking to the teller and said, "i'm not sure what happened, but can you tell me what recent purchases were made that might have caused it?" she clicked away at her keyboard, started chuckling on the other end...and then said, "well, it looks like there was a charge for $120...for a SWORD." it legitimately came up "sword" on the bank statement. i said, "oh...yes. i'm aware of the sword...i'm now going to go use it ON MY HUSBAND." she started belly laughing on the other end, said we wouldn't get an extra charge, and we hung up. i went into the room (with wild eyes) where bruce lee was sitting and said, "YOU BOUNCED OUR MORTGAGE PAYMENT WITH THAT SWORD!" he shrugged his shoulders and said something along the lines of, "you win some, you lose some." little did i know 12 years later that he would be ordering sharpening stones for the sword so he could pulverize produce in the backyard during a pandemic. well, that, my friends...is one for the books.