sword

so last night my husband nonchalantly leaned over while we were on the couch and said the following, "i just want you to know that i ordered a stone sharpener for my sword." nothing (literally nothing) surprises me anymore, but as i peered at him over my wine glass i had only one question. so i asked, "what, exactly, are you going to use the sharpened sword for?" without missing a beat he stated, "i'm going to go out in the backyard and throw fruits and vegetables and shit up in the air and cut them in half." (what?) at this point i couldn't hold back and bust out laughing. by no means did i want to encourage this behavior...but what in the actual hell. i squawked, "are you trying to tell me quarantine has turned you into BRUCE LEE?! what are you even talking about?!" he nearly spat out his beer and started laughing as well. you are probably wondering why he would even have a 'sword' in the first place, so i'm gonna tell you the backstory.

i actually totally forgot about the sword...until last friday night on a virtual happy hour with high school friends. after three hours of nonsense with these people (and many beverages), the sword made a reappearance, following many years of isolation on the (very high) top shelf of our downstairs bathroom closet. he was waving it dangerously close to my limbs, nose, face, and ears...and no one needs to go to the emergency room right now. (which is what i tell my children on the regular when they are running around out house like crazed weasels.) i told him to put it down, but he stated, which is the same thing he stated years ago (BC-before children) when he brought it home. he said (and i quote), "DON'T WORRY...it's not BATTLE READY." (battle ready.) listen buddy, you just had about 12 beers and battle ready or not, a sword...is a sword. i mean, sure, it may not take off a limb...but it's gonna leave a flesh wound of some sort. put down the damn sword.

the actual sword.

rewind twelve years ago, in our first year of marriage, we bought our first house (this comes into play later)...he also bought this sword. it all came about when a group his friends went to a renaissance festival together in pennsylvania, and he came back to maryland with this weapon. let me state whenever this group of guys is together they act as if they are legitimate animals. animals let out of the zoo and into the world (renaissance fair) with no rules. anyway, he saunters in the door on sunday, bewildered after a wild weekend...with this sword swinging around. at that time, i would get more wound about this stuff. (now i don't even bat an eyeball.) i said, "WHAT IS THAT." (not a question, a statement.) i probably added some expletives in there as well, for good measure. he stated (same as last friday), "DON'T WORRY...it's not BATTLE READY." (cause that makes it better.) back then we weren't in the financial situation we are now, but for some reason i didn't ask in that moment how much it was.

lo and behold, a couple days later i get a call from the bank. they let me know that our (VERY FIRST) mortgage payment...had bounced. i was talking to the teller and said, "i'm not sure what happened, but can you tell me what recent purchases were made that might have caused it?" she clicked away at her keyboard, started chuckling on the other end...and then said, "well, it looks like there was a charge for $120...for a SWORD." it legitimately came up "sword" on the bank statement. i said, "oh...yes. i'm aware of the sword...i'm now going to go use it ON MY HUSBAND." she started belly laughing on the other end, said we wouldn't get an extra charge, and we hung up. i went into the room (with wild eyes) where bruce lee was sitting and said, "YOU BOUNCED OUR MORTGAGE PAYMENT WITH THAT SWORD!" he shrugged his shoulders and said something along the lines of, "you win some, you lose some." little did i know 12 years later that he would be ordering sharpening stones for the sword so he could pulverize produce in the backyard during a pandemic. well, that, my friends...is one for the books.