pony

the older i get, the more stupid valentine's day becomes. i mean, maybe i'm a (married) cynical person...but, really, it is just so dumb. february is chock full o' holidays, and that one has to be my least favorite. hell, i'll even take that goofy groundhog over cupid any day of the week. i realize that this (hallmark) holiday was a couple of days ago, but in the wake of a snow storm that left my liver and waistline screaming...i'm still thinking about it. let's roll back to last wednesday evening, the night before the big blizzard was supposed to hit. my husband had to work late that night, so when he called me on his way home, i asked him to pick up some "storm essentials." (i wasn't specific.) when he walked in the door, he held up a bag and it contained the following: a box of cheez-its, a bag of goldfish, a bottle of apple juice, a fifth of vodka, four candy bars...and two lobster tails. (that's it.) so to be clear, my husband decided to forgo the eggs, milk, bread, and toilet paper and skip right to the crackers and shellfish. (ok then.) he rattled off everything he got (like a proud peacock) and i said, "so i guess we are set?" (i was being sarcastic, not serious.) he said, "yeah...but we need to save the lobster tails for friday night, it's valentine's day. also, i got them for a deal...2 for $10 so they are extra special."(he was dead serious.) i just stared straight ahead, knowing he was going to pair these with the steaks i got on sale that week at the grocery store...and i just seriously hoped that we wouldn't die of food poisoning in the wake of our fancy dinner.

so that friday morning, i was making coffee and he sauntered up behind me holding something out in front of him. he was wearing long johns and a college hoodie and still had not brushed his teeth. inside this (unwrapped) jewelry bag he held before me...was a pearl bracelet. i pulled it out and put it on (while still wearing my pajamas). it was nice, but upon further inspection...he looked a little squirrely. he was making a face that i knew all too well. i then put two and two together and said, "wait...did you get this with a COUPON!?" welp, in an instant, there he then stood...doubled over, losing his shit laughing and said, "yes! it was FREE! totally FREE!...do you like it?!" (oh my god.) i shook my head and stirred my coffee as he came down off of his coupon high. meanwhile, mickey mouse was yodeling some tune from the dining room as the kids were eating their homemade (eggo) waffles and then ella yelled (over the yodeling), "WHAT SO FUNNY!?!" (a lot, my dear. a lot.) so there i stood, adorned in (free) pearls in the early morning hours, only to await my discount delicacies from the sea later on that evening. (lucky gal.) in between the bracelet and the low cost lobster, we made a much needed trip to target and also went out for lunch. sidebar: we went into target for diapers and walked out with $130 dollars worth of items. (why does this happen every time!?) by the way, this made butch NUTS because we only had a coupon for one thing...the diapers.

so anyways, that was valentine's day. my cynicism for the holiday is nothing new though, and doesn't have much to do with these events, either. i wrote this: love about the day two years ago, and i pretty much feel the same way today. let me also say that heading back to work yesterday after a five day hiatus was much needed. like i said in the beginning of this story, my liver and waistline were suffering after five days of freedom. last night after i laid carrie down to bed, i walked into ella's room to tuck her in. as i said goodnight, she stated, "i can't find my binky." i kid you not, i have spent at least a good 23 hours of my life looking for goddamn pacifiers. (they always disappear!) i looked all over (got irate), located it, and then laid her down. i hopped in the shower and when i got out i heard her yelling something from her bedroom. as i got closer to her door, i realized she was saying, "giddy up horsey! giddy up!" (what!?) so i peeked in and she was in the middle of the room, riding her pretend pony...and my nostrils were attacked by the scent of shit. i whisper yelled, "shhhhhhh! you are going to wake up your sister...and did you poop your pants!?" she whipped around (still sitting on the horse) and said, "yeah. i did." (smash it in there, sally!) so as my toddler was filming her own rendition of brokeback bowel movement...i was contemplating sending her down to her father so he could clean up the crap. (i also wanted to punch that pony.) however, i rolled up my sleeves and changed yet another shitty diaper, laid her back down...and hoped for the best. tonight, however, is girls night with fen...so that means daddy is in charge should either child wake up (while i'm gone) with pooped up pajama pants.

since this seems to be a story of updates, i need to add a little synopsis about my friend fen. about 2 weeks ago during one of our weekly girls' nights...the shit hit the proverbial fan. we were sitting there and she happened to look at her BGE bill and it was close to, like, $700 dollars...for one month. she has a fairly small house, with one roommate, so this is typically not the norm. (no matter what time of year.) in true fen fashion, her arms starting flailing, she got really hyper...and i believe i saw a few tears. as i sipped my wine, i watched the madness unfold...at one point i believe she thought she was an electrician because she kept inspecting the thermostat (over and over again). i tried to calm her down and tell her it was just money and she would figure it out. after a visit from a (real) electrician, it turned out that her heat pump outside was not working for an entire month. therefore, it was running on emergency heat that entire time. moreover, when she had the guy come and look at it, they couldn't get the part for a few days so she had no choice but to just let it run and then pay for the difference. in the meantime, BGE sent her alerts and updates about her "excessive heat usage." she forwarded them to me and i (privately) had a good laugh. (this would only happen to her.) i'm going to share my favorite ones with you...because i died when i saw them. here you go (these are actual emails they sent her and she forwarded them to me.):

using approximately 4,000 more kilowatt hours more than your neighbors in one month? just par for the course for fen. meanwhile, i will be heading over there tonight wearing my (free) pearl bracelet with a bottle of (groupon) wine tucked under my arm...par for the course for me. i have found that when all else fails and you are up to your ears in bills and other bullshit...you just need to pour a glass of wine and sit down with a good friend to laugh about your life. it's way better than therapy and a lot cheaper, too. i just hope i don't come home to another viewing of brokeback bowel movement...because there is only so much shit i can take. (literally.) furthermore, after a few glasses of pinot...i would probably punch that pony for real. cheers!