hideous

have you ever heard a five year old use the word "hideous?" i have...and he was talking about my hair. he said (and i quote), "your hair looks hideous." he was very matter of fact and to the point. now usually, i start my school day looking halfway decent. however, by the end of it i'm covered in snot, glue, glitter...and sometimes vomit. (it's been a rough week.) so on monday when this brown eyed babe looked up at me lovingly and then grimaced and told me my hair looked hideous, i could do nothing but laugh. (it was hilarious.) earlier that day, this same little boy was privately passing out victoria's secret coupons to the girls in the class. (he pulled them right out of his homework folder.) as i confiscated them from each little lady, i called him back to my desk and asked him why he thought it was okay to bring them in and hand them out. he replied (with a dead straight face), "i want them to have nice things. they need nice things." (what!?) my face had to be priceless and i literally wanted to laugh out loud, but there were no other adults in the room to share my sentiments. shortly after this, during playtime, a little girl skipped up to my desk from the art center and handed me these:

as i sat there, i had to wonder for a minute what the hell i was looking at. before i could ask, she stated, "it's a strawberry! and a rocketship!...for you to decorate your desk!" not what i was thinking, but let's go with that. moreover, i have no idea what a strawberry and a rocketship have in common or why she decided to make them together? (kids are awesome that way.) i ended up labeling them before putting them on my desk, just so passersby didn't think i have a problem. a problem like hanging large construction paper private parts on my desk for all to look at. as i was looking down to label these gems, another little lad in my class decided it was a great day to decorate...his shirt. with a marker. he was writing on the whiteboard and suddenly turned the marker inward and went to town on his white button down. i gasped when i saw what he was doing and he jumped upward a little and i could see the fear on his face. i asked, "what are you DOING!?" he said tentatively, "drawing on my shirt." (oh, okay.) this all happened within a matter of minutes first thing in the morning. so hours later when honest eddie told me how he felt about my hair, it was just the cherry on the sundae for the school day.

many times when i am having days like this as school, my own two cherubs decide to carry on the nonsense at home. as i hopped in the car to head to pick up my kids, i received this picture from the sitter with the text, "this is how we found carrie after her nap!"

this little puddin' pop decided she wanted to get out of her shirt during the comfort of her pack n' play nap...and got stuck. she seems to be moving into the (ever so famous) nudie phase...when being naked is just the thing to do. no one told me about this phase the first time around, and i just thought ella had issues. i was (mentally) prepared this time...but alas my wonderful one year old, when you lack the motor skills and coordination to undress yourself...disasters such as these may occur. moreover, i'm pretty sure there is a picture of me looking just like this...from spring break a couple years ago after one too many beverages. (just being honest.)

later that evening, i was sitting with ella on the couch watching (yet another) episode of caillou and i was thinking about how much i dislike him. (him being the cartoon character.) i don't hate many four year olds, but this kid is one whiny bastard and a horrible role model for young ones. i can't for the life of me figure out why my first born loves him so much. (he's a dick.) the episode was called, "caillou in the bayou" and i was hoping in this one caillou gets violently eaten by an alligator. another (unrelated) thing about him, why the hell is he BALD?! (alright, enough.) we were on the couch and i looked up to see my little exhibitionist carrie...not wearing any pants. her diaper was off and she was free ballin' (free vagina'ing?) around the living room. i said, "woah carrie! where are your pants?" she looked up at me, looked down at her hoohah, back and me...and just kept on walking around. (what the hell.) ella thought this was high-larious and was laughing her head off at her little sister. butch looked up from his lazy boy and just shook his head. (he shakes his head a lot.)

this brings me to something that happened just last night. we were sitting at the table eating dinner and i guess both butch and i looked at ella at the same time (by accident). she yelped, "what are you two lookin' at!?" we both started laughing and she yipped, "look at your FOOD! not ME!" (more laughter from us, which pissed her off even more.) as i was clearing dishes later and butch walked behind me and said, "what is with HER? does she have like PMS already or something?" i said, "no, but can you imagine in a couple of years when we ALL have our time of the month AT THE SAME TIME?" he choked on the red wine he was gulping down and said, "oh my god. i seriously think i'm going to hang myself from one of the ceiling fans...and then turn it on. actually, i know where you can find me when that happens...at watermans." (our local tavern.) shit's gonna get ugly around here in their teenage years, so every last one of us is going to have to hang on to our hats...or hang ourselves from the ceiling fans. (either/or.) butch said he's going to get a bulldog with big balls and name him snots...just so there is some more testosterone flying around the house. little does he know, i refuse to feed another human or animal other than the ones that already live here. (no way, warren.)

so here we are at wednesday and because of the weather, it took me an HOUR AND A HALF to get to work. (it usually takes a half hour.) people in maryland wig the hell out when there is anything falling from the sky. i shit you not, when there is any type of precipitation they act like it's raining puppies. like actual dogs are falling from the heavens above...and everyone forgets how to drive. i had to go FIVE miles an hour for most of my trip. i mean, 40 mph would have been sufficient, but nah let's slow down to that pace. a pace where i could've run faster. anyway, i would like to plop some of these people down in pennsylvania in a "real" storm and let them have at it. i'm being truthful when i tell you these idiots should not even leave the house. i sure hope the rest of the week is a lot more wonderful. starting monday with construction paper private parts adorning my desk and a mid week commute that included pretend puppies falling from the sky?...it can only get better. i'm also hoping carrie decides to keep her clothes on. like most of mankind, i am definitely looking forward to the weekend. on saturday, i may make a trip to victoria's secret with my confiscated coupons, because teachers (and mommies) need nice things, too. i know one thing i am definitely doing...and that is getting a haircut. i mean, hell, i really don't have a choice...i was told that it looks hideous.