fennifer

i have a friend. for the sake of anonymity, let's call her fennifer. fen for short. this friend has been described by some as having survived 30 years of tragedy. you know the movie lemony snickets: a series of unfortunate events? that’s her life. her luck is really the worst. maybe that's why i've been friends with her for so long. i mean, i don't enjoy other people's misery, but this girl's lack of luck makes me laugh on a daily basis. (and who doesn’t love to laugh?)

for instance...for christmas, she bought me a pair of shoes she “knew I would love”…upon inspection after opening, they were two left feet…in the wrong size. (loved the laugh...the shoes? not so much) recently, she bought a beautiful new home and comes to find out 3 months later that the roots of the tree in her backyard are growing THROUGH her sewer pipes. through them. and it's not like they can dig through the ground and fix them...because the main pipe and main root are underneath her living room floor. (3 feet under where her couch sits, to be exact!) the plumber that came to inspect the problem ripped out her toilet, placed it in her formal dining room, and inadvertently slung shit (human feces, if you will) all over her freshly painted walls and new floors. at one point, he had her in the backyard (in the pouring rain, no less) with an umbrella and a flashlight, looking for the sewer pipe with him. the list goes on and on.

i also think the way that fen deals with these problems is a hoot. she gets overly excited, anxious, and semi-neurotic. i can't tell you how many times she's blown through our front door, bottle of wine tucked under one arm, other arm flailing, shrieking about the last disastrous thing that has happened to her. (this is usually accompanied by our dog jumping on her, ripping her pantyhose, putting a hole in her sweater, and nearly knocking her down) if you ask my daughter "what fen does" she gives an amazing impression... her chubby arms shaking in the air, lips pursed, with a crazy look in her eye. we did not ‘teach her’ to do this, she picked it up on her own. she’s one and a half and knows that something is just slightly amiss with this fen character.

fennifer’s love life isn’t any better…this girl deserves a break. the last three people she dated ended up getting engaged and married to the very next person they met after her. tonight we will be meeting fen's newest main squeeze...a male baltimore raven's cheerleader (yes, you read that correctly) that she met on a popular online dating website. (rhymes with latch.com)

i know that this night will not disappoint. i'm also taking bets on how many cheerleader references butch blurts out during the evening...including, but not limited to, asking the guy if he can put in him some type of lift.






“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” 
― Lemony Snicket