chicken

over the past month, I've jotted down some of my favorite quotes & pictures from the kids at school. here are a few of them. enjoy.

assignment: draw one picture of something that begins with the letter "F"

"how do you spell 'man'?
"man does not begin with the letter F"
"i'm drawing one FAT man and fat begins with F"
(right you are, kid.) 

birthday party

a coworker of mine had a birthday party in the classroom yesterday. the mother of the child was upset because she forgot to bring her camera. luckily, the teacher had one. she offered to take some pictures of the child. when she put up the camera to snap one, she counted..."one...two...three" and then the child (instead of saying cheese) blurts out "WHISKEYYYYYYYY!!!!" with a big smile on her face. the mother was mortified.

assignment: draw a picture to go along with the story. 

                  good thing she didn't write any 'F words' on the chalkboard in the picture. 

random ramblings

"mrs. s, if you wish on a shooting star, will it really come true?"

(yes, of course.)

"i like the word butterfly because it's funny."

"why is it funny?"

"because it has a butt in it"

(she was laughing hysterically, making me laugh)


"i wish i were a polar bear"

"why?" 

"because they have special fur to keep them warm...and it's cold in this place!"
(this was in response to us having no heat all day..it was 32 degrees outside)

"does the word corn begin with a 'p'?"
(um, no and thank god it doesn't)


assignment: draw two things you really like.

anyone like chicken? i know i do.

(this one is from the beginning of the year, but you clowns enjoyed the gorillas so much that i had to include it) 

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

-Woody Allen

perfect

those chinese really know their stuff, eh? this was my fortune on friday night…and apparently, they were also talking about their food, because I woke up early saturday morning with severe stomach cramps and the feeling that I was surely going to shit my pants. anyway, this ‘fortune’ really made me think. nothing really is perfect, is it? (nor is it supposed to be) how boring life would be if it were “perfect.” people enjoy other people’s joy, and other people’s misery…i believe that’s why facebook is such a hit. we love knowing what is going on in other people’s lives…either to feel better about our own life or to live vicariously through someone elses.

a wise old man once told me to stop and refocus….and i think we all need to do that in our lives to a certain extent. if you don’t like something in your life, change it.  i hate whiners…i like doers. when going through difficult times, my grandmother always told me to ‘put on your boots and march’…in other words,  deal with it, and move on. that’s all you can do really.  that being said, you never truly know what is going on in someone else's life or what they are really going through. we are so quick to judge each other…and I’m not exempt from this statement. more importantly, sometimes all you can do is laugh…because if you don't, you'll cry. (and that’s not good for anyone involved) also always remember that nothing’s perfect...including that super delicious chinese food that almost made me shit my pants.




"if the world were perfect, it wouldn't be." -yogi berra

daisy

i have a brother that is 11 years younger than me. my parents got the brainy idea when i was 11 and my other brother was 9, that a baby would make a wonderful addition to our family. they could've been empty nesters 9 years ago. (really thought that one through mom and pops?) however, he has been a wonderful addition to our family...this kid has so much heart, and he makes us all very proud. that being said, when he was little, my other brother and i tortured him...a lot. he was easy to mess with, so we did. for instance, when he was about 5, we told him that when he was born, his real name was daisy and that my mom and dad eventually had to change it because they thought people would make fun of him. he cried and cried to us that he didn't want his name to be daisy and that the name was soooo stupid and girly. i looked him in the eye and told him that there was just nothing we could do, that was his real name. (and this was one of those instances that i knew my parents really thought it was funny, even they told us to knock it the hell off) i still call him daisy to this day.

today i will attend daisy's all-state banquet for soccer in harrisburg, pa. the kid is a phenomenal soccer player, has broken several high school records, and i believe it comes back to that 'having a lot of heart' thing i talked about earlier. also, i think my favorite "coming of age" (i hate that term...but i'll use it) story stems from daisy as well. when i was in my early 20s and still in college, my mom called me. she said, "oh tricia, you aren't going to believe what your younger brother did!" she went on to tell me that she had caught daisy searching for 'bad things' on the internet. i said, "what do you mean..'bad things'? she said, "he was looking up boobies and butts on the internet..." (after this, she was silent) after i composed myself, i said "mom, you don't have to censor tits and ass by using boobies and butts...i'm 22 years old...i think i can handle it." she's like "no, you don't understand...he actually typed 'boobies and butts' into the google search box". i then replied (after hysterics)..."that's. awesome." when they asked  him why he did it, he said "i wanted to look at boobies and butts". at least the kid is honest. my other brother would've pulled a story out of his ass in a second...."umm, i had to do research for a project on the female anatomy for health class!" (for example)

daisy is now a senior in high school and will be attending college in the fall. my advice to him would be this....if the ladies at college get wind that he is an all state soccer player, i'm pretty sure he'll see all the boobies and butts he wants to. god speed, daisy. we love you.

disclaimer: daisy would like everyone to know that he is not a "player" and will probably still be with his current girlfriend when he's in college...therefore, he will have no use for other ladies boobies and butts. 

pussy

mica: pre psychotic break

so the morning started when our cat slinked out the door when butch was letting the dog in from her morning constitutional. our cat, for those of you that do not know, is somewhat of a bastard. she was a rescue (i found her as a kitten abandoned in my school gymnasium and brought her home) she was pretty normal at first, and then it was like a switch went off and she turned into a raging psycho. she hisses at everyone and anyone that is not living in our house, she also growls and bites. if you mention 'mica' around ella she doesn't say "meow", she makes a hissing sound.

mica: post psychotic break

anyway, i chased mica back in the house using treats (and several explitives). shortly after, i backed out of our driveway and made it down my street to see a cat, that looked exactly like her...taking a dump in the neighbors yard. (do cats normally do that? take dumps in yards?) so i reverse back down our street to run back in to see if she escaped again. as i pulled in the driveway, she was sitting (inside) the bay window licking herself. we made eye contact. i glared...and then flipped her off. (i do believe that she was in the process of devising a plan on ways to mess with the dog while we were at work.)

i knew that this point that it was just going to be one of those mornings. on the way to the babysitters house, i was merrily driving along when i decided it would be a good idea to stop (yes, stop) at a green light. (wtf?) i didn't slam on the breaks or anything, i slowly came to a stop and acted like it was totally normal to stop at a green light. i didn't realize anything was amiss, until the guy behind me slammed on his breaks (and his horn). i got all flustered, realizing it was green, and hit the gas. he drove around me, fist raised, yelling something at me. i couldn't hear him, but "why are you stopping at a green light, jackass!" would've been appropriate and well deserved. 

shortly after, i received a text from a friend that said "accident getting on 50" (joy) luckily, i was able to go around it, but i did see that some jackwagon drove off of the road while trying to enter the interstate. do you ever look at an accident and think how the hell did that happen? like what was that idiot doing when he decided to careen off the road into a pile of bushes? (single car accidents really boggle my mind)

as i was standing in my doorway waiting for the children to arrive, i was hoping that the day would get better. one after the other, they filed into the classroom and as i'm closing my door, i hear one child singing a song. (nice, right?) as i go to sit at my desk, another child strolls over to the singing child and forcefully says..."be quiet....pussy!" (i gasped!) leading me to then have a conversation with a 5 year old on why pussy is not an approriate word to use at school, unless you are talking about a cat.

"my pussy got out this morning and i had to chase her back inside." -appropriate. 

"be quiet...pussy!" (to your singing classmate) -inappropriate.

all of this happened before the clock struck 8am...lovely way to start the day....wouldn't you say?

carseat

we are parents. more importantly, we are new parents. when I was in the hospital the day after ella was born, butch mentioned that he was going to run to the mazda dealer and have the car seat installed. my parents, who were sitting there, glanced at each other and had a bit of a chuckle. “installed!?” my dad said…”let me get this straight, your getting the car seat installed? it’s not rocket science!” i laughed, and then tried to explain that i think car seats are a bit different than when i was a tot. (actually, I was probably lucky to get an arm thrown across my chest while sitting in the bench seat if my dad hit the breaks too fast.) these days, you need a masters degree to figure these things out…they are spiderweb of straps and buckles that you have to insert A into B, C into F , D around your child’s cranium, E around their big toe and then insert it in their ass…it’s borderline ridiculous. And god forbid you get one wrong, because it states in the manual that your child will surely be seriously injured or die if you do.

anyway, we got that one installed.  ella is alive and well after many, many car rides since. however, this past weekend, it was time to “install” (i’m using this word loosely) the ‘big kid’ carseat. Butch decides to do it himself this time. So he goes outside for like 20 minutes and when he comes inside I say “so it’s all ready to go? safe?” he says…”yes, piece of cake! all strapped in.” i also gave it a little looksee before putting her in it.

fast forward a few days to today and I take a (sharp) turn into our driveway after coming home from work. i hear ella giggling in the backseat and then hear “UH OH!” I turn around to see this:

 “UH OH!” is right kid…rocket scientists we are not. FAIL. 

coupons

sunday is coupon day in our house…and i’m definitely not the one clipping them. yep, that’s right folks, it’s the man of the house…coupon mom himself. this started about 4 months ago, and it’s been a bit of an obsession since. if you don’t believe me, you should take a peek at his blessed “binder”.  it's organized by date, coupon publisher, and product.

don’t get me wrong, i love to save money as much as the next gal…but there are just plenty of other things i’d rather be doing on a Sunday morning. running, playing with ella, reading a book….scratching my ass….to name a few. okay, so I’d rather be doing anything than clipping coupons on a sunday morning. it’s gotten to be such an obsession for him that one particular morning i was startled awake when he barged through the bedroom door, hands on his head (5am) and said, “you are never going to believe what happened!” i sat straight up in bed, rubbing my eyes and said, “what?!” the things that were running through my head were…the dog ripped apart the trash, someone hit our house with their van (it’s happened before), ella was kidnapped…who the hell knows. he blurts out “some bastard stole my sunday paper!!” (for those of you who don’t know, the sunday paper is the couponer’s bible) after realizing it was nothing serious, i also realized something else…it was SATURDAY. upon which i yelled, “it’s saturday you dick bag!” and went back to sleep.

it’s not just the clipping of the coupons that is a real treat to watch. (think…grown man in his underwear on the floor of our living room with a sea of papers around him, furiously cutting out each one with his ‘special’ scissors) afterwards, he goes online and finds who is having the best deals of the week (we have a Giant, Safeway, & Food Lion a mile from our house). then he has to correspond each coupon to each sale item, so he is paying as little as possible. and holy shit, you should see the exuberance this man has when he realizes that he can get something for free. (FREE!) he’s like a kid who just found a golden ticket in a wonka bar.

when the clipping & corresponding are done…then comes the shopping. i refuse to be a part of that as well. i mean, it takes HOURS. hours, people. And not like 1 or 2…more like 3 or 5. He has also said that ella and i mess up his “flow” when he’s shopping, and god forbid i mess up someone’s couponing flow. after the shopping, he comes home with his bags of goodies (all from like 5 different stores) and proceeds to pull out each item and rattle off either how much it was, or how much he saved.  i nod my head and add an ‘ooooo’ and ‘aahhh’ in there every once in a while to make him happy. when he first started doing this,  he was really bad at just getting things because they were very cheap, or free. this was until I found his “secret stash” of body wash (like 27 bottles) and went off on him. i told him he had enough body wash to wash his ass for the next 75 years…enough was enough! several people received body wash as a Christmas present this year (merry Christmas…wash your ass. love, butch) i did find about 10 bottles of shaving cream hidden after that and when i brought them to his attention he yelped, “ I know! I know! But they were free! They were free!”  i acted mad on the outside, but i was laughing on the inside.

i hate couponing in general and i think that hurts his feelings. that’s the thing about butch. when he likes something, he desperately wants you to like it too. i can’t tell you how many times he’s asked me to try Heineken beer, even though i’ve stated many (many) times that i don’t like it. when we go out to eat, he always will ask “wanna bite?”, holding out his fork. every single time I say no, yet he asks me...Every. Single. Time. i foresee us being in the cafeteria of a nursing home, and he’ll lean over his tray and say “wanna bite?” with jello or rice pudding hanging off his shaky spoon. it’s inevitable. it’s one of the things i love about him…and one of the things that drives me absolutely crazy.

and so, i sit another Sunday morning, sipping my coffee…watching the coupon charade play out.  if anyone wants to come over and have a cuppa joe…enjoy the free entertainment, you are invited. hell, you may even go home with a free bottle of body wash if you're lucky.

fennifer

i have a friend. for the sake of anonymity, let's call her fennifer. fen for short. this friend has been described by some as having survived 30 years of tragedy. you know the movie lemony snickets: a series of unfortunate events? that’s her life. her luck is really the worst. maybe that's why i've been friends with her for so long. i mean, i don't enjoy other people's misery, but this girl's lack of luck makes me laugh on a daily basis. (and who doesn’t love to laugh?)

for instance...for christmas, she bought me a pair of shoes she “knew I would love”…upon inspection after opening, they were two left feet…in the wrong size. (loved the laugh...the shoes? not so much) recently, she bought a beautiful new home and comes to find out 3 months later that the roots of the tree in her backyard are growing THROUGH her sewer pipes. through them. and it's not like they can dig through the ground and fix them...because the main pipe and main root are underneath her living room floor. (3 feet under where her couch sits, to be exact!) the plumber that came to inspect the problem ripped out her toilet, placed it in her formal dining room, and inadvertently slung shit (human feces, if you will) all over her freshly painted walls and new floors. at one point, he had her in the backyard (in the pouring rain, no less) with an umbrella and a flashlight, looking for the sewer pipe with him. the list goes on and on.

i also think the way that fen deals with these problems is a hoot. she gets overly excited, anxious, and semi-neurotic. i can't tell you how many times she's blown through our front door, bottle of wine tucked under one arm, other arm flailing, shrieking about the last disastrous thing that has happened to her. (this is usually accompanied by our dog jumping on her, ripping her pantyhose, putting a hole in her sweater, and nearly knocking her down) if you ask my daughter "what fen does" she gives an amazing impression... her chubby arms shaking in the air, lips pursed, with a crazy look in her eye. we did not ‘teach her’ to do this, she picked it up on her own. she’s one and a half and knows that something is just slightly amiss with this fen character.

fennifer’s love life isn’t any better…this girl deserves a break. the last three people she dated ended up getting engaged and married to the very next person they met after her. tonight we will be meeting fen's newest main squeeze...a male baltimore raven's cheerleader (yes, you read that correctly) that she met on a popular online dating website. (rhymes with latch.com)

i know that this night will not disappoint. i'm also taking bets on how many cheerleader references butch blurts out during the evening...including, but not limited to, asking the guy if he can put in him some type of lift.






“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” 
― Lemony Snicket

gorillas

what do you see when you look at this picture? yeah, me too. it’s funny the things that kids will draw, write, and say. after spending 7 hours a day with a gaggle of them, you become kind of immune to it. i’ve often said that i wish i had another adult in the room so that I could laugh WITH someone about these things. usually, I end up telling stories to coworkers at lunch or laughing with friends on the way home from work. (now I get to share with you! spendid.) on this particular day (yesterday), i had a staff meeting  and the principal stated to the staff, “be careful what you say to the children, because they will believe you. they may not always believe what their parents tell them, but they will always believe, internalize and repeat what you tell them. do not underestimate your power as a teacher.” 

can you imagine if this particular child brought her picture up to me at my desk and i chuckled? then she said, “what are you laughing about?” and i was completely honest and said…”well, dear, your picture happens to include several drawings of large black penises!” um, i don’t think this would go over too well. moreover, if children actually believe and repeat everything we say as teachers, she might go home and point out the penis pictures to her mom or dad. (see? my teacher said I drew penises!) not sure that would go over too well either.

oh, and if you are wondering what those drawings are actually of…they are gorillas. i asked the child what animals she drew...she stated "3 gorillas, an alligator, a lion, and a zebra...why? what did you think they were?" just you never mind child. 

i know you’ve been trying to figure out what they were since your first glance...perverts.