barge

so i have been barged in on in the bathroom no less than a billion times since my kids were born. hell, i remember having ella in the bouncy seat while i showered, cause if she was more than a stone's throw away from me she would start crying. there i was washing my ass as quickly as i could while playing peek-a-boo behind the shower curtain. you do weird shit when you have kids, that's just one of the things they didn't tell me about in the parenting books (shower curtain peek-a-boo). anyways, like i said, my kids have interrupted both showers and other bathroom business a billion times, but last night it was a bit different. last night my second born came bursting into the bathroom screaming and snot all over her face, cause she sucked a BEAD up her nostril...and it was stuck. it took me a second to process what the hell was happening, but as i sat down she came in the bathroom like a high school band at half time (cymbals blarin'). not far behind her was my first born...and my husband. mind you, i'm sitting on the TOILET and ella, who is like a first grade investigator, was like, "she sucked a bead up her nose..." and held out an example in her own hand. the bead was little, so i had fears of her snorting it so hard it would like go to her brain or something. i grabbed a wad of toilet paper and yelled, "BLOW!"

there is something weird about kids and blowing their noses, but most of them suck at it. they can do the old 1-2 wipe job, but blowing always poses a problem for some reason. anyways, i think panic took over and for the first time in her life, carrie decided it was time to blow the hell out of her nose. after about the fifth try, the bead came out in the tissue. her face was equal parts relieved and horrified. my face was equal parts relieved and everyone can get the hell out of the bathroom now. butch was still standing there dumbfounded and i realized my second born must've bypassed him (in the bedroom) and come straight to me (in the bathroom). i asked him later if she did that and he said, "no, she did come to me and i told her to go see her mother..." (sounds about right). after extraction, i asked carrie how the bead went up her nose in the first place and she said (and i quote), "i was trying to smell it." (what.) i said, "smell a plastic bead?" she said, "yes. it smells like nothin." (no shit!). in other news, i guess we can stop saving for harvard? (that was a close one.) so that's how monday evening played out in our house right before bedtime. bead extractions from the confines of the bathroom whilst peeing. if that sounds fun then parenting might be for you.

now. let me let you in on a little secret. last week both my husband and my kids had spring break from school...and my county was still in session. with the help of my in laws, butch took the kids to the beach. for the whole week. you wanna know what i was doing last monday? i was on a boat with a beer in one hand an the wind blowing through my hair...not making children blow beads out of their noses so they don't get lodged in their brain. people who knew they were leaving kept asking, "what are you gonna DO when they are gone?! what are  you gonna DO!?" i wanted to answer, "wanna know what i'm NOT gonna do? i'm NOT gonna cook, do laundry, clean, pack lunches, pick up after people, help with homework, go to soccer, go to dance, wipe anyone's ass, make dinner, give baths, or go through a bedtime ritual. those are things i'm not gonna do." guess what? i found other shit to do. i went to a barbeque, went boating, got a pedicure, went for drinks, had wine on the back deck with fen, played kickball in DC...i did shit every day that they were gone. i found shit to do. i missed the hell out of their cute little faces, but i did not miss the hell out of all of the responsibility they bring. it was 5 full days of selfish gloriousness. this week i have spring break, so i'm kinda doing the stay at home mom thing, cause they are back in school. which is also quite glorious, minus the packing lunches part.

as an added bonus, in those 5 days they were gone, not one person barged in on me in the bathroom! little things you take for granted when you aren't parenting...like peeing alone. as soon as they came back on last friday, it was around noon. fen was here as they burst through the doors and ella's first words to me were, "i MISSED you mommy...can you make me some LUNCH!?" carrie piped in, "ME TOO! I'M HUNGRY and i gotta POOP, can you wipe me!?" fen took one look at me and sing songed, "they're BAAAAACCCKKK!" with a smirk on her face. when you have your first child, your life takes a crazy shift and suddenly you are responsible for another human 24 hours a day. as they get older, you are still responsible for them, but you get more breaks in between and it's not round the clock care (you can breathe). however, i wasn't warned prior to beginning my parenting journey that my kid might barge into the bathroom because she accidentally sucked a bead up her nose and needs my assistance to get it out (no warning). yesterday, on their last day of their spring break...i took both kids shopping, for lunch, and ice cream. later, prior to the bead incident, i did the soccer mom thing and took carrie to practice. i snapped this picture of her, and this smile is something i wouldn't give up for anything. moreover, now that we know harvard is off the table...maybe we can hope for a soccer scholarship somewhere? fingers crossed.

feral

so i'm at this glorious stage of parenting that entails school age children...and all their shenanigans. my doctorate in dirty diapers and late night feedings is hanging on the wall in my home office and i am currently working on my masters degree...in being a chauffeur and making lunches. soccer just started last week, so now monday and wednesday nights are filled with that (also saturday games). oh, and irish dance on tuesdays. keeping up with their schedules is a full time job. my kids are 4 and 6...and busier than me. which is really awesome since they don't have their drivers licenses. now look, i know there are other families that have like 234 extracurricular things to do...a lot more than 4 days a week. some of my mom friends are busy 7 (seven!) nights a week with school age children shenanigans. i'm not even mentioning homework, projects, papers that need to be filled out, packing lunches, feeding, bathing, putting them to bed...insert many other child chores here. let me say i have so much more respect for my own parents now in this regard. (kids are a pain in the private parts.) lest us not forget stuff like show and share for carrie on wednesdays and gym sneakers for ella on monday and friday...and also the "special" dress up days and class parties. the list goes on and on. if that sounds like fun then parenting might be for you. here is what our calendar looks like for april:

see the 21st for a quick summary.

most of the time i think i'm on top of my shit as a mom...and most of the time i don't know my ass from a hole in the ground. however, i try to go day by day so i don't lose my shit. so when my kid brought home the most epic fail picture in the history of first grade, i could only laugh. i laughed hard. i laughed so hard that she heard me from the other room and came to ask me what i was laughing about (oh, balls.) i made something else up and i think she bought it, but i did ask what the hell happened to her hair?! for the record, i knew it was picture day that day, but i was only aware of group CLASS pictures. i wrote the $12 check, pulled her hair half up and sent her on her merry way. i even had "picture day" on the calendar. so when a picture that i've named "feral child gone wild in washington DC" showed up...i was a bit taken aback. i did NOT pick that background, it was the "preview" they sent, but when i pulled up the website there were many other backgrounds to choose from that were equally questionable. one of which looked like she just dropped acid and another one where there was a country wagon wheel? my favorite was just a white background that accentuated her wild child hair. but for real...why the hell does it look like she just rolled around in the tall grasses with julio down by the schoolyard!? i have no idea. if you didn't see the pic on social media...here you go:

so anyway, although i don't have babies at home, parenting starts taking all these other turns that no one tells you about. stuff like your kids schedules will trump your own on so many levels, and although it kinda sucks...it's kinda awesome. when ella was out on the soccer field for the first time the other night and i saw her running around, i immediately remembered all the fun times i had on the field as a kid. hell, i was no irish dancer, but seeing her and her sister learn a new jig each week is awesome, too. you start to live vicariously through your kids, and their happiness becomes your own. actually, when you have kids, you own their happiness, their sadness, their joy, and their disappointment. i think that's what's so hard about having kids in the first place. just keeping them alive is enough work...but wondering if you are doing it right is just plain exhausting. you do the best you can with what you have and hope for the best. that's all you can do. oh, and when you get a school picture like the one above, you laugh long and hard about your successes and failures as a parent. i think the most important thing i've learned in the past 7 (WHOA, i'm a PRO) years of parenting is this...don't take yourself too seriously. if you do, you will be caught up in the shenanigans and miss all the fun. sit back like an uber passenger on a friday night and enjoy the ride...cause rastafarian hair in a first grade photo is just the icing on a cake called parenthood. yeah mon!

blood

so yesterday around noon a package arrived on our front porch and warren informed me that it was "a roof rack for his jeep." since we have said "no" to the minivan, when we travel our SUV looks something like a clown car. it's jam packed to the gills with all the stuff we need to take with us...including two kids and a dog. every square inch is utilized and i usually have some type of bag on my lap, under my feet, and inserted in my ass. forget trying to see out the back window out of caution, cause that's not happening either (completely packed). so anyway, he bought this roof rack to strap all our shit and shenanigans to the top of the car. i immediately had visions of our luggage flying all over northbound route 83 as i watched. i literally would not be surprised if a bungie cord snapped and this happened...cause stuff like that happens in our lives often. as my husband pulled all the pieces out of the big box and laid them across our living room, our offspring got to work playing with the magical piece of cardboard. they pretended it was a car, a boat, a coffin...and then began fighting over the plastic stuff (trash) that was inside. they were running like hell around the house screaming about who got more. about a bazillion toys in the house...but let's play with trash (par for the course). my parents, who were coming into town, happened to arrive in the middle of this show.

when they came in the house, parts of the roof rack were all over the floor and there were screws and metal everywhere. the kids were still running and screaming and letting their imaginations run wild with the trash slash box, as my mom and dad looked on. my dad then (shaking his head) disappeared upstairs to the guest room for an afternoon nap, my mom and i decided to take the kids for some frozen yogurt to get them out of the house (and end the screaming). after about an hour in on this project, butch was exasperated..and he was also like missing parts he needed and stuff. so we exited the premises and hopped on over to sweet frog. for some reason, the whole of my town had the same idea and the place was packed. we all made our sundaes and sat down. after a few seconds my phone rang. it was warren. the conversation went as follows. him: uh...you better come home right now. me: huh? him: i accidentally punched myself in the face...i'm bleeding everywhere. me: what?! him: OUR HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A CRIME SCENE YOU BETTER COME HOME RIGHT NOW. me: *head back, unable to breathe, in an ugly laugh with the phone away from my head so he can't hear* him: *hangs up* so my mom is sitting there staring at me and i said (barely able to speak), "so butch just punched himself in the face and we have to go home..." she jumps up, grabs the girls' coats, and rushes out to the car. although i was hoping he was okay, i kept laughing to myself thinking about him sucker punching...himself.

when we arrived back home, my dad was up from his nap...mopping up blood on our hardwood floor. i still hadn't laid eyes on warren, but there was blood on the porch, the couch, and my father was hard at work getting rid of any evidence with some pine sol and hot water. i said, "what the hell happened!?" to which my father started laughing hysterically and could not get his shit together. i said, "who punches themselves in the FACE!?" butch was in the kitchen looking bewildered as i walked around the corner. he had blood up to his elbows, the sink was filled with blood, paper towels stuffed up his nose, blood spatter on the dishwasher, the cabinets...the house really did look like a crime scene. so he then explained what happened...a story that involved a hammer, a screwdriver, and his own fist slipping and smashing into his own nose. when we established he was okay, i started cleaning up the blood that was all over the place. meanwhile, my dad is standing nearby gagging and telling me i missed some near the trashcan. my mom started a friendly game of monopoly with the girls...like this sort of thing is normal and happens all the time. both my parents asked butch if he was on blood thinners because of the magnitude of it all over the place. i replied that i gave birth two times and didn't see that much blood. so after a shower and a trip to the local bar, he seemed back to normal. he kept recapping his moe, larry, curly episode out loud, which would make all of us laugh all over again. laughter keeps us going around here, cause without it we would be lost. remind me of that when our luggage is in full flight all over northbound 83 as i look on. pretty sure i'll be the one punching myself in the face at that point. on purpose.

coffee

so this morning was different than other mornings, because i had a training for work and didn't have to report to my normal school building. typically i roll over and scratch my ass at 5:30am when the alarm goes off, peel myself out of bed and stumble to the bathroom at approximately 5:45am, get myself ready and then wake my children (who act like they are teenagers, not under 10), make breakfast, and have to deliver them to daycare by 7am (which is when it opens). i fly out of the parking lot like my hair is on fire so i can make it to work by 7:30am, which is about 17 miles away. however, on this fine friday morning i didn't have to be to a training until 8:30am, which buys me some more time. so i delivered my smiling offspring to their destination and decided that 'it's friday' and i deserve a coffee from dunkin' donuts, since i never have time on a typical morning to do so. i pull into the parking lot with rainbows and unicorns coming out of my ass and i'm feeling quite chipper. sidebar (and an important part of the story): sometimes when i get the luxury of going to for gourmet (hush) coffee...i buy the person behind me their goods, as kind of a pay it forward thing. i don't do it all the time, but sometimes. remember today was a day of rainbow and unicorn rectum, so i decided to do it this morning.

my offspring and their best friday faces.

i squawked hello and good morning to the kind lady on the other side of the speaker and ordered my two dollar and eleven cent (fancy) coffee. i saw the woman behind me order in my rear view mirror and it was a quick talk to the kind lady, so i thought..."well, she didn't order a lot of stuff then..." although i like to pay it forward, i don't want to break the bank while doing so (sue me). so when i pulled up to the window and because i was playing detective and thought i saw her not ordering a whole lot of shit...i didn't even ask what she got (i usually do). i'm face to face with kind speaker lady and she says, "that will be $2.11!" i said (smiling), "can i also pay for the person behind me?" she yelped, "sure!" i handed over my credit card and she swiped and handed it back. i said, "just tell the woman, happy friday!" she (basically) screamed, "OKAY I WILL!!!" (lots of exclamation points). i grabbed my receipt and pulled forward, ready to take the world by the balls. as i pulled out onto the main road, i casually glanced down at my receipt. in that moment i had just taken a huge gulp of too hot coffee and as my foot hit the gas, my eyes got wide and my fancy coffee almost flew out of my mouth and all over the windshield. this is what i saw:

now listen. in that moment i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. yes, it was my own fault for not asking what the woman behind me ordered. however, what if i had asked!? then what? "i'd like to pay for the person behind me...what did she order?" kind cashier says, "2 boxes of joe at 15 bucks a pop." if i said, "meh, nevermind..." then do i look a cheap do gooder? ie/ "i want to pay it forward, but on my terms." no thanks. so in retrospect, i'm glad i didn't ask. however, if you could've seen my face when i first saw that receipt i assure you it would've been priceless. here i am expecting to pay like 2 bucks for my coffee and no more than 10 bucks total including the person behind me (not more than i've ever spent at DD in one visit!). when i realized my snafu, i immediately did what i normally do when shit like this happens...i called fen (my bff) to confer. when she answered in the early morning hours, i half yelled half laughed, "you are never gonna believe what just happened to ME!!" i went on with my story and she couldn't hold her shit together (laughing her head off). her husband was in the background yelling, "nice guys finish last!!!" (eeshh.) before we hung up she said that she thinks i'm good on the pay it forward thing for, like, a year.

so as i took my drive to my training i was thinking about that woman behind me and what she thought when the kind cashier said, "your tab was paid for by the lady in front of you! she said happy friday!" first of all, did she think i was hitting on her or did she realize i was just paying it forward? did she know that i didn't ask what she got and as i pulled out onto route 2, almost shit my pants and shot coffee all over the windshield? was she buying these boxes of joe for her coworkers as a pay it forward friday gesture herself? i had so many questions. however, to make my $33.98 COFFEE purchase okay in my head...i realized that although i probably made this woman happy, i must've made a whole lotta other people happy as well. because hell, that's a WHOLE LOTTA COFFEE. i guess the moral of the story is this...i didn't intend to share with anyone that paid it forward this morning. i meant to pull out of the parking lot, grab life by the balls, and just be happy. however, my gesture turned into something far more than a feel good...it was funny as hell. i laughed my head of with fen before the caffeine in my own coffee even had a chance to kick into my system. moreover, life has shown me over and over again that kindness matters (and so does laughter). doesn't matter if it's free coffee or a simple compliment. as an added bonus? my training let out early and my principal gave me the rest of the day off because i already had a substitute...also allowing me time to share this story with you. i'll chalk that up to coffee karma. happy friday, people...hope you all have a fabulous rainbow and unicorn filled weekend.

merry

this morning at my house.

so every year i kinda forget how fun the holiday season is. it always takes getting the decorations out of the attic...and introducing that creepy stuffed elf back on the scene in order for me to start to feel festive. i always feel nostalgic when i light my great grandmother's ceramic tree for the first time and the elf is just like icing on the cake. we read the story at home on sunday and on monday i pulled the infamous book and box out of my storage closet at school and set it out by my rocking chair. when the kids lined up in the hallway, i knew i better hold onto my chalk cause they were about to lose their little minds. they all entered the classroom as if fired out of a cannon and it didn't take long for them to spy our new friend. all of them had similar reactions...found somewhere between screaming and crapping their pants. i've said before that a classroom elf should come with a complimentary ritalin salt lick to attach to the door. their excitement over this elf is always palpable, like if you stuck your tongue out you would taste christmas in the air. it's no wonder why the two women who created the elf are millionaires...it truly is magic. a stuffed elf fueled by a child's imagination and christmas? only something magical can come from that. anyways, i had two students absent that day, so i knew we would be rereading the story and explaining his venture on tuesday as well. the kids voted on "peter" as his name, coming second to "mr. hinkles." (was hoping for mr. hinkles.)

when tuesday arrived, the two students who were out the day before sauntered into the classroom unexpectedly. one child has been absent for over a quarter of the year so far and came in with no bookbag on his back, hair all over his head, and no coat. he smiled at me sleepily and then his eyeballs caught sight of the elf hanging from the mini blinds like an acrobat. he froze. then slowly looked at me, looked at the elf, looked back at me...and this is one of those moments i wish i had a video camera in my room. his facial expression was AWESOME. he really didn't have to say anything...his face said it all. the rest of the kids were quick to fill him in on what he missed the day before, just as the other child who was absent monday walked right behind him. this particular child is a behavior problem most days and doesn't have a very stellar home life. he smiled at me and said, "what's he doing here?" pointing at peter. i said, "he joined us yesterday and will be reporting to the north pole to santa each night about what he sees in the classroom." he looked at me skeptically and smiled again. while he unpacked his things for the day he was staring at the elf trying to make sense of it...wondering if this elf was legit. actually all of the children's reactions were amazing, so much so that i asked them to raise their hands to tell me who has an elf on the shelf at home. not one child raised their hand. (not one.) so this concept was new to them....and made it even more amazing for me.

on wednesday, i coincidentally did a science lesson in the afternoon about "living and non-living things." we made a list of living and non-living things on the board. my students did a great job of listing both, then my skeptical buddy from the day before raised his hand and said, (pointing to peter) "well what is he?" i stared at him. he stared back and said, "is our elf living or non-living?! you said he comes to life at night, but during the day he doesn't move...so which row would we put peter in?!?" (ohhhh helllll...) in kindergarten, you have to think quick on your toes, cause these kids ask no less than 2389 questions. per day. i replied, "you have an interesting point...and this is a tricky one!" the kids started to chatter. i said, "turn and talk to the people at your table and discuss whether or not you think peter is living or non-living." this brought rise to an intense turn table talk that would put congress to shame. kids were arguing their points to one another such as, "well at NIGHT he needs food and water to survive and fly back to the north pole...and during the DAY he needs a place to live...so he's living." one child pointed and said, "but look at him now! he's not MOVING! HE'S NOT ALIVE!" and so we decided to list our elf right at the bottom of the list between living and non-living things. most were satisfied...my little buddy in the back of the class smirked at me.

meanwhile back at the home front our elf "snowflake" entered the scene on sunday. my first and second born are so excited about this thing that it makes me wonder why some parents boycott it! you don't have to do much with the elf...except remember to move it (which we forgot three out of the four nights and had to run down in the morning to do so). it really doesn't take much time, energy, or effort...and their reactions are worth it. the man who lives in my house is rivaling clark griswold with his light display in the front. it looks like old saint nick puked christmas all over the place. last year, there was an unspoken contest between him and the guy across the street. this year, the neighbor hasn't done anything yet. (butch thinks he won.) i went outside one night when he was working on the lights and i was about to bitch about how tacky it looked...just as a women stopped her car on the street, rolled down her window and yelled, "i love your lights! thank you for doing this! it's beautiful!" butch yelled back "thanks and merry christmas!" just as i shut my mouth and went back inside. i think we can learn a lot about the holiday season from children and their excitement about it. as my kids danced around the living room and carrie accidentally smashed butch's balls last night while frosty sang the soundtrack...i was thankful for my own children and my students at school at christmastime. as my husband sneezed violently and spilled boilo in his crotch, prompting him to look like he peed his pants...i sipped my wine and realized the holiday spirit is in full swing. so shimmy out of that grinch costume y'all and find your inner child. as an adult, you may not want to scream or crap your pants over christmas...but you have to admit this time of year is nothing short of magical. may your days be merry and bright!

easier

so i'm at the point in motherhood where things are getting easier...and by easier i mean i don't feel so bat shit crazy anymore. easier meaning i've graduated from middle of the night feedings and diapers. easier meaning my kids aren't as needy. don't get me wrong, there are other motherhood obstacles like what happened to me this morning. things that they don't tell you about in the parenting books, because otherwise you would rather run for the hills than raise a kid. things like pulling into the parking lot of an elementary school and seeing every kid skipping into the front doors wearing a costume and your kid is in the backseat saying, "i didn't think we were supposed to WEAR costumes!" meanwhile, my second born was fully dressed as a bumble bee and here's my first born dressed as...herself. so the story really begins friday, when carrie woke up at 4:32am with a fever. she climbed into bed with me ('can i lay wis you?') and when i wrapped my arms around her she felt like a log that had just been rolled off of a campfire. i whispered, "are you feeling alright?! you are really warm..." she said, "i feels cold and hots at the same times." (crap.) so knowing i had a full day of stuff planned ahead at school (and so did butch), i texted the alternate sitter who also keeps my children when they are sick sometimes. ella had a two hour early dismissal that day from school anyways, so i decided to also send her to the sitter instead (bad decision, as you will see).

so fast forward to monday, and i have a "work from home day" (to work on my grades) and therefore was going to be able to make the parade at carrie's school. fast forward to monday where i didn't get the memo from ella's elementary school on friday saying she was supposed to dress up and would also have a parade. fast forward to monday where i thought i would have most of a "free" day to myself. so upon pulling into the school and seeing dinosaurs, superheroes, princesses, and other costumes galore, i knew my day was going to take a turn. i told ella i would run home and get her costume after i dropped off carrie and come back. i ran into carrie's preschool sans bra like my hair was on fire, dropped her off, ran home, put on a brassiere, grabbed ella's ladybug get up, and flew back up to the school. the parade was at 8:45am and it was 8:32am when i parked. i got out and there were other parents lining the sidewalk. i had the ladybug costume in my hand i felt the judgy looks from other moms. i was "that" mom this morning. "that" mom that forgot to dress her kid in costume. "that" mom with her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, glasses, and pajamas. "that" mom who didn't have her shit together. i ran down the hallway to ella's class after getting hairy eyeballs from a secretary wearing a scarecrow outfit. (screw you, scarecrow!) ella's face lit up when she saw me and said, "i was the only one not wearing one! i'm glad you are here! "that" mom.

so anyway, i went out and stood with some other mom friends and snapped pictures. the other moms i was standing with cast no judgment though, they are mom friends that understand that the struggle is real. after the parade, i went home and finally got my first cup of coffee. i sat down and enjoyed it while watching the food network, which was actually a win in my book. (hot coffee that is not in a travel mug? mom win.) i had exactly one hour until i had to be at carrie's preschool for her parade, so i did what any normal mom would do...folded laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and cleaned up the house. i also had time in there to wash my face, put in my contacts, and change out of my pajamas as well. (another win!) when i walked into my second borns school at 11am, i already felt like i had put in a whole day. after lunch, i decided to take her home with me and ella also had a 2 hour early dismissal again, so i picked her up early. to be clear, my mostly free day off with nothing to do turned into one hour of "free" time spent doing chores. despite this, do i feel incredibly lucky to be able to have seen the smiles on both of my kids faces when they saw me at their respective parades? yes. will i forever remember the fact that i was "that" mom this morning as my kid walked into school sans costume? yes. do i still understand the struggle of motherhood even though i'm not so bat shit crazy as when they were newborns? yes.

just know that when you see those cute smiley halloween faces on social media...there is always something more going on behind the scenes. for example, a braless mother that didn't get the memo that her kid was supposed to be in costume that day and then had to run around like a chicken with her head cut off to make it happen. i think a lot of us look like we have our shit together...but really most of us have one foot in crazytown, trying to make it all work. most of us are doing the best we can with that we have and hoping we aren't turning our kids into future serial killers. most of us would take a bullet for our kids, but know they still make us bat shit crazy from time to time. so as we step foot outside tonight for trick or treat there are two things i know for sure: 1. there might be something stronger than coffee in my travel mug as i walk through the neighborhood and 2. all the snickers are mine. i survived six years of motherhood so far and as each phase passes, i slowly forget the struggles from the prior ones. the sleepless nights are substituted with sick campfire logs that climb into bed. the bottle feedings are replaced with leaving school like my hair is on fire to grab a costume so my kid doesn't feel left out. all i know that it's all happening so fast and i'm holding on to dear life to each passing moment...regardless of how bat shit crazy it makes me. my children complete me and make me feel whole...along with the help of wine and chocolate. happy halloween to you and yours!

balance

so i'm at that point during summer vacation where my liver and waistline are screaming. not having a normal (healthy) routine each day leads to lackidaisical meals...such as wine and popcorn for dinner. i always hit a wall at some point...and sunday is when i was wacked with the will do better for myself. summer always offers options of the best fruits and vegetables...and also extra time to work out. after a week hiatus from my children, they burst through the doors of my (clean, for once) house and started immediately wrecking shit. i don't really allow technology in my house and i also turn the television off when i think they have been staring too long. i don't judge other moms who placate their children this way...you do what you have to do to survive. however, as a kindergarten teacher, i've seen children figure out what to do with their "free time" sans technology. i read somewhere that kids don't know how to be bored anymore because they are constantly being bombarded with stuff. when kids get bored their imagination goes into overtime and excellent things happen. i've seen it with my own eyeballs time and time again. so while i prepared my first healthy dinner for the week, salmon with mango salsa, they got busy making a blanket fort. did they make a shit mess of my living room? yes. were they a pain in the ass for part of the time? yes. did i still get dinner done? yes. here's a visual:

so monday morning i stepped on the scale for the first time in a LONG time...and i was startled by my discovery. i gained approximately 8 pounds since summer started. 8 pounds might not sound like a lot in your book...but i know how weight gain goes. 5 turns into 8, 8 turns into 10, 10 turns into 24 and suddenly you are sitting on your dorm room floor eating a can of ravioli and washing it down with a natty ice with your college roommate wondering why all your clothes don't fit. (i may or may not be speaking from experience.) anyway, i was blown away by the number on the scale which made me realize my campaign for healthy food was in order. i also went to the gym that morning and did not only interval training on the treadmill, but a HIIT workout as well. i knew very well i may not be able to walk the next morning, but it was much needed. moreover, sweating like a moose makes you feel much better both physically and mentally no matter what. i prepared clean food choices for myself all day, and then for dinner i made sauteed shrimp with cherry tomatoes, which was delicious. when fen called and said she'd be staying around the corner in her pre-marital home that night...it took everything in my power not to slug a box of wine with her. i decided against it, cause i had already made the choice to do an early yoga session the next morning. (namaste means not mass amounts of wine.)

yoga was a game changer. a complete game changer i tell you. i used to do the occasional yoga class prekids and it only took me 6 years to take another class. now let me tell you...i'm no gumby and it wasn't pretty. plus, i was pretty sore from my workout from the previous day so my mobility was waning even further. BUT, when i walked out of there it felt like chatum tanning just had his way with me. i felt so freakin good that i wondered why it took me so long to get back into it. i went to another morning power yoga class today and it was awesome. (winning!) after a walk later in the day with a friend, i got crackin on dinner which was bacon wrapped asparagus, sauteed mushrooms...and i left the steak up to butch on the grill. (it was all delicious.) so fast forward to wednesday morning i woke up and felt like a walking asshole. i made an attempt to get out of the bed to go to the gym early and it just didn't happen. i laid there until i had 4 eyeballs staring at me...and two mouths asking me for food. i swear all i am these days is a glorified waitress. all these kids do is eat! anyways, my body was all like, "yo, rocky...take a rest." so i listened. i packed the kids up for a pool playdate, came home later and made dinner...which consisted of chicken kale sausage and mashed cauliflower. don't get me wrong...i'm a sucker for a good mashed potato, but this is an excellent substitute if you don't want to grow a second set of ass cheeks. (so good!)

this morning i woke up and lo and behold...i didn't feel like ass. actually, i felt the opposite of ass and laced up my shoes for a 4 mile run at 5am in the morning (i know, wtf.) there is only one thing i hate more than running on the treadmill...and that is running in the heat. it was supposed to hit 90 later and the humidity in maryland is fierce. even at 5am, it was so high that i felt like i was running through a bowl of soup! as i channeled my inner rocky in that moment, i had dreams of coming home and having a cup of coffee before the kids woke up. (no dice.) when i came in the door i was met by a "hi, mommy! how was yours WUN?!" from my second born. this was shortly followed by an argument about why she couldn't have pizza at 6:17am for breakfast. if you haven't argued about such a thing so early in the morning...you really haven't lived. so what are some things i learned this week? trying new recipes is good. so is trying a new exercise routine. if you are like me you get stuck doing (and eating) the same things over and over when it really doesn't take much to shake it up. maybe i'm the only person on the planet to gain weight in the summer rather than the winter...but i'm glad i can recognize it. luckily i've come a long way from the girl that was sitting on the floor of her dorm room eating ravioli from a can. tonight i will go boating with friends and then imbibe in some wine with fen...but maybe like 3 glasses instead of half a box? (balance!). get busy livin or get busy dyin, people. we only get this one life. above all...treat yourself well.