barge

so i have been barged in on in the bathroom no less than a billion times since my kids were born. hell, i remember having ella in the bouncy seat while i showered, cause if she was more than a stone's throw away from me she would start crying. there i was washing my ass as quickly as i could while playing peek-a-boo behind the shower curtain. you do weird shit when you have kids, that's just one of the things they didn't tell me about in the parenting books (shower curtain peek-a-boo). anyways, like i said, my kids have interrupted both showers and other bathroom business a billion times, but last night it was a bit different. last night my second born came bursting into the bathroom screaming and snot all over her face, cause she sucked a BEAD up her nostril...and it was stuck. it took me a second to process what the hell was happening, but as i sat down she came in the bathroom like a high school band at half time (cymbals blarin'). not far behind her was my first born...and my husband. mind you, i'm sitting on the TOILET and ella, who is like a first grade investigator, was like, "she sucked a bead up her nose..." and held out an example in her own hand. the bead was little, so i had fears of her snorting it so hard it would like go to her brain or something. i grabbed a wad of toilet paper and yelled, "BLOW!"

there is something weird about kids and blowing their noses, but most of them suck at it. they can do the old 1-2 wipe job, but blowing always poses a problem for some reason. anyways, i think panic took over and for the first time in her life, carrie decided it was time to blow the hell out of her nose. after about the fifth try, the bead came out in the tissue. her face was equal parts relieved and horrified. my face was equal parts relieved and everyone can get the hell out of the bathroom now. butch was still standing there dumbfounded and i realized my second born must've bypassed him (in the bedroom) and come straight to me (in the bathroom). i asked him later if she did that and he said, "no, she did come to me and i told her to go see her mother..." (sounds about right). after extraction, i asked carrie how the bead went up her nose in the first place and she said (and i quote), "i was trying to smell it." (what.) i said, "smell a plastic bead?" she said, "yes. it smells like nothin." (no shit!). in other news, i guess we can stop saving for harvard? (that was a close one.) so that's how monday evening played out in our house right before bedtime. bead extractions from the confines of the bathroom whilst peeing. if that sounds fun then parenting might be for you.

now. let me let you in on a little secret. last week both my husband and my kids had spring break from school...and my county was still in session. with the help of my in laws, butch took the kids to the beach. for the whole week. you wanna know what i was doing last monday? i was on a boat with a beer in one hand an the wind blowing through my hair...not making children blow beads out of their noses so they don't get lodged in their brain. people who knew they were leaving kept asking, "what are you gonna DO when they are gone?! what are  you gonna DO!?" i wanted to answer, "wanna know what i'm NOT gonna do? i'm NOT gonna cook, do laundry, clean, pack lunches, pick up after people, help with homework, go to soccer, go to dance, wipe anyone's ass, make dinner, give baths, or go through a bedtime ritual. those are things i'm not gonna do." guess what? i found other shit to do. i went to a barbeque, went boating, got a pedicure, went for drinks, had wine on the back deck with fen, played kickball in DC...i did shit every day that they were gone. i found shit to do. i missed the hell out of their cute little faces, but i did not miss the hell out of all of the responsibility they bring. it was 5 full days of selfish gloriousness. this week i have spring break, so i'm kinda doing the stay at home mom thing, cause they are back in school. which is also quite glorious, minus the packing lunches part.

as an added bonus, in those 5 days they were gone, not one person barged in on me in the bathroom! little things you take for granted when you aren't parenting...like peeing alone. as soon as they came back on last friday, it was around noon. fen was here as they burst through the doors and ella's first words to me were, "i MISSED you mommy...can you make me some LUNCH!?" carrie piped in, "ME TOO! I'M HUNGRY and i gotta POOP, can you wipe me!?" fen took one look at me and sing songed, "they're BAAAAACCCKKK!" with a smirk on her face. when you have your first child, your life takes a crazy shift and suddenly you are responsible for another human 24 hours a day. as they get older, you are still responsible for them, but you get more breaks in between and it's not round the clock care (you can breathe). however, i wasn't warned prior to beginning my parenting journey that my kid might barge into the bathroom because she accidentally sucked a bead up her nose and needs my assistance to get it out (no warning). yesterday, on their last day of their spring break...i took both kids shopping, for lunch, and ice cream. later, prior to the bead incident, i did the soccer mom thing and took carrie to practice. i snapped this picture of her, and this smile is something i wouldn't give up for anything. moreover, now that we know harvard is off the table...maybe we can hope for a soccer scholarship somewhere? fingers crossed.