beets

i am not one to believe in the supernatural, but i am really under the impression that my husband has been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone else. he has said so long to the boilo and episodes of baitcar...they have now been replaced with barbells and beet juice. (BEET. JUICE.) like, he used the juicer and made his own beet juice, filled our fridge with it, and they asked me to try some. have you ever had beet juice? well, spare yourself if you haven't...cause it tastes like bark. (or barf?) i mean,  if you ripped a piece of bark off of the trunk of a tree and put it in a juicer that's exactly what it would taste like. he describes it as "earthy" and i describe it as "something i never wish to wash over my taste buds ever again because it tastes like shit." anyway, these changes have been happening and although i am happy for his new found healthy ways...it still gives me a weird feeling inside. i've known this man since sixth grade and not once in that time has he given a rats ass about what he puts in his mouth.

it was really fun our freshman year of college when i thought i could magically eat all the of the crap that he ate and not gain any weight. instead of the freshman 15, i gained the freshman 40. (or more.) he's always had the metabolism comparable to that of a cheetah, where as i have the metabolism of a...speed bump. over the years, i think his has definitely has slowed down. (not so cheetah-like.) however, he can still eat several big macs and not have to go out and buy a new pair of pants. if i made the choice to eat several big macs, i might as well just get some duck tape and put them directly on my ass because that's right where they are going. (really.) about a year or so ago i switched to clean eating and never looked back. well, maybe once i looked back and wondered what it would feel to eat an entire wheel of cheese...but for the most part, i don't eat crap. although my husband has been supportive of this switch, in the past he sometimes has said that i was starving him with my paleo inspired recipes. now he embraces them along with his barbells...and i'm still left shaking my head.

so now that we are on the same page with our eating habits, it's interesting to say the least. (minus the beet juice, i will never be on that page ever.) also, he joined the local gym and "pumps iron" (his words) several days a week. actually, it's not several days, it's everyday. he tries to go everyday. my brothers have been on the lifting bandwagon for a long time now, so he talks to them about pre-workout mixes, post workout concoctions, and protein supplements. this morning, he was shaking up a protein supplement and asked me if i wanted any. i told him that i prefer to eat my protein in the form of eggs and bacon... and then whipped myself up a massive omelet and a coupla slices of salty swine. i think i'll stick to the whole eating thing. as both of us have been pushing for a healthier lifestyle this month, we both also cut way back on the booze. (boo.) although i enjoy a good box of wine during the week, i find that i sleep much better when i don't have it. however, when fen was over on thursday for girls night, i did have a glass or two of god's sweet nectar. warren was also hanging out with us and kept switching up his drink choice. as fen fell asleep on our couch, he said to me..."it's weird...i had one mixed drink, one beer, and one glass of wine..." fen woke up abruptly and said, "SIR MIX A LOT!" and then broke into her rendition of "i like big butts and i cannot lie..." i spat out my wine. she went from dead asleep to white girl rapper in 2 seconds flat. (classic.)

that evening carrie woke up about 9:33pm crying. this never happens anymore, so i was concerned. i went upstairs and she was pointing at her diaper and saying "poo poo." (shit.) so i laid her on the
changing table and to my surprise, there was not "poo poo" in her pants. i said, "there is no poo poo in your pants." she whined, "yessssssss....." so i spread her legs and sure enough it did seem that she...sharted.  i changed her and went downstairs and explained what had happened to fen and butch. i went on to say, "i don't know how that woke her up...it wasn't a load in her pants or anything." warren's arms went flailing and he said, "you don't know how it woke her up!? what the hell...a wet fart would wake me the hell up!" fen said through laughter, "me too!" i said, "it wasn't in her diaper, it was only a little in her ass cheeks!" he yelped, "that's the worst place for it to be!!" (i lost it.) hanging out with fen and my husband is truly like being part of a saturday night live skit. shortly after her white girl rapper routine, fen left and we went to bed. so anyway, cutting back on the sauce is just another shift in our house that is quite different. (we like the sauce.) cutting it out completely? well that's just silly talk.

in conclusion, i will continue to wait for the spaceship to bring my husband back to me. for now i will watch him slug back homemade beet (and carrot) juice and wonder where the hell i am. maybe i'll boobie trap him with a big mac for dinner one night and see what happens for shits and gigs. in the meantime, my pants aren't screaming at me anymore, my skin is clearer, and i'm sleeping better. warren is starting to define his muscles, feel fit, and seems happier than the man i knew who was watching episodes of baitcar...scratching his balls in the lazy boy. if you wanna feel better in general, i highly recommend clean eating and exercise. i also recommend not completely cutting out things like coffee and wine, as they are the fuel that keeps me on the path of motherhood without blowing a gasket. while getting ready to go out to dinner last night my two cherubs decided that the proper accessory that goes along with winter jackets and snow boots...is sunglasses. even though there was no sun in sight, i pick my battles and this is not one i wanted to fight. therefore, we skipped out the door in the middle of winter with them wearing them. (oh well.) when it seems your life is something out of a saturday night live skit, just know that someone can relate...and that someone is me. beet juice drinking husbands who have been abducted by aliens, kids who wake up because they sharted, and a best friend who doubles as a white girl rapper? well that's all just part of the show.