poptarts

this photograph was taken this morning at approximately 6:36am in the car. wanna know why she's pissed? she's pissed because she wanted a pop tart. (a pop tart.) she's pissed because she wanted a pop tart and i don't have a pantry full of them...in the CAR. it started with whimpers about the pop tart and then when i said, "i'm sorry, lovey, i don't have any spare pop tarts in the glove box..." she then lost. her. shit. the picture really doesn't do it justice, because i was fully expecting her head to spin around and pea soup to come spewing out of her mouth. she was trying to jam her little chubby hands under her seat belt and free herself from her car seat. she was acting as if it was a straight jacket and i was a very terrible person for constraining her in that way. so in her mind not only was i starving her, i was also restraining her. not for her own safely...but because i was performing a baby hate crime against her. (two year old problems.) this is the thing about kids, they are so goddamn unpredictable. one minute she was smiling and saying good morning to her sister who was already strapped in the car...and the next minute she was acting as if she just woke up from a 5 year coma, starving for a pop tart that i just didn't have. ella put her hands over her ears and yelled, "it's just too early for this TARRIE! just too EARRRRLLLLY!" (holy balls.) out of the mouths of babes...and my thoughts exactly.

my husband has a longer commute than me in the morning, so he never gets to see some of the joys i deal with due to the fact i have this duty most days. i am fortunate in that i don't have to get them dressed, but when they wake up as i am getting ready...it's equivalent to a brain aneurysm. i'm not a morning person to begin with, so brushing my teeth and putting on my makeup with little people eye balls on me is not my cup of tea. most of the time my two year old is hanging off of my leg like it's a lifeline and ella is asking me nonsensical questions about every move i am making.  i'm not fully prepared to deal with their demands before that first cup of coffee, so having a little pow wow in the bathroom before the sun rises can be enough to send me into a tailspin. most mornings i whisk them out of their beds and into the car without much interaction. you know...a 'good morning', a hug, a kiss, normal morning pleasantries. today was that type of day...until the little one decided she needed a breakfast treat in the 13 minute time frame it takes me to get them from home to the sitter. she screamed the whole thirteen minutes, full on two year old tantrum...and then i pulled out an old adage from my own parents' bag of tricks. it went as follows: after calmly telling her many times to cool it, the screams did not subside. then i raised my voice and yelled, "do you want me to pull this car over and give you something to cry about?!" (did i really just say that!?) when things like this come out of my mouth without warning, it's kind of frightening.

i mean, i remember my mom yelling this to us in the backseat like it was yesterday and now when i say it, it seems perfectly sensible. however, if i really did pull over and "give her something to cry about"...wouldn't she still be crying? what purpose would that serve? she'd still be screaming afterward in the backseat and i would still be going crazy trying to concentrate and drive. also, she actually screamed louder when i said that, defeating the whole purpose of that comment in the first place. (come on, man!) anyway, when we stopped at a red light, i snapped that picture. how else would she believe me 10 years from now when tell her she completely lost her shit over a pop tart? now i have proof. i will say, "here is a picture of you losing your shit over a pop tart. you're welcome." (wacko.) i think i share most of this stuff so that i know i am not alone. parenthood can make you feel like you are losing your mind most of the time, i just want to know that other people are sailing the same seas. (misery loves company.) anything that can make you go from calling your kid "lovey" to violently pulling over your motor vehicle in 7 minutes flat is pretty powerful. luckily, the good usually outweighs the bad when it comes to being a parent...and if you are able to laugh about this stuff along the way, it's even more bearable.

they are this cute for a reason.

so i will end with this: if your child ever pulled an exorcist moment over a meal in the backseat and acted like their car seat was a medieval torture device...you are not alone. if you find yourself quoting your own parents with phrases you swore you would never say as an adult...you are not alone. if you have ever witnessed a meltdown due to a toaster pastry...you are not alone. if you ever have questioned your choice to procreate in the first place...you are not alone. the most important thing i want you to take away from this post is this: if it comes down to a dual between pop tarts and parenting skills, unfortunately it will always be pop tarts for the win. better stock up in your purse or pockets in order to be a successful parent. the parenting books won't tell you this shit, so i will. don't say i didn't warn you.