inspiration

after a faux thanksgiving last night with friends, i decided my best bet was to balance it out with a long run this morning. we had enough food and beverages to feed a small country. when i woke up this morning, i was in some sort of food coma and felt like building a cocoon around myself. i set out to run with high hopes of busting out my inner butterfly. (inspiring, i know.) i somehow made it seven miles, but believe me when i tell you it wasn't pretty. i think it was about mile three that i began feeling like my organs were going to shut down. around mile five i had cotton mouth like a mofo and i thought maybe i was going to crap out a kidney. i walked half of mile six then sprinted the first part of mile seven, cause i just wanted it to be over. the last half a mile i walked and i do believe i shed a tear or two. after a short bout of dry heaves, i arrived back home. booze and butter were oozing out of my pores at this point and i was cursing all of the calories i consumed the previous night. so naturally, i showered and decided to start baking and have a bloody mary while the kids were napping. as i stated before, i am always looking for balance. fall is one of my favorite seasons, coming in second to summer. (duh.) the leaves, the cooler weather, the food, the holidays...all fabulous.

however, one of the things that i do NOT like about the holiday season is shopping. shopping actually makes me a little crazy. so when fen asked me if i wanted to do a girls night on friday, including the mall and other stops...i said yes, but with reluctance. she lured me with the prospect of cocktails afterwards, so i went. when i am put in a situation that i really don't want to be in, i tend to act up. for instance, when she was looking for a comforter set in a large department store, i decided to lay down with one of the pillows in the aisle. she doesn't even bat an eye anymore, but she used to get really embarrassed by my antics. it really is a wonder how i have been friends with her so long, because she has had to put up with a whole hell of a lot of nonsense. that being said, i have dealt with no shortage of her nonsense along the way. drama finds her, and i'm usually along for the ride. however, when she let me know that babies R us would be our last stop...i almost blew a gasket. i mean, i was out for girls night and my children were sleeping at home. why the hell would i want to go into a place that oozes all things baby? she said it was too cold to walk and parked in the expectant mother parking spot. (relax, there were plenty of other nearby spots.) like a good friend, i poked out my belly and pretended to be pregnant, not to mention i may have had some wine in my travel mug. (what are friends for?) girls night is like free therapy for me, i enjoy it very much.

as we walked through the aisle with a baby registry, i knew where most of the stuff was. i pretty much have a doctorate when it comes to that place and she said at one point, "how do you know all this stuff!?" i replied, "i have two kids, remember?" as i looked through the list, i asked her if the baby shower was for a first time mother. she said yes. i knew it already, though, cause the mom registered for things like GLASS bottles. what the hell are you going to do with a glass bottle, lady? i'll tell you what you are going to do with it...you are going to break it. another item was antibacterial wipes to clean pacifiers. i didn't even know they existed. if carrie dropped her binky i would run it under water or pop it in my own mouth to clean it. the truth is half the stuff on that list the expectant mother didn't really need. don't get me wrong, i registered for all kinds of crap when i was pregnant with ella. (gizmos and gadgets galore.) however, i didn't use half of it. i suggest you talk to someone that already went through the joys of having a kid and ask them what they most needed, then totally disregard what they said because every kid is different and you will eventually figure out what you need when the baby actually gets there. kids have perfect timing with stuff like that. (it's pure madness.)

after we made our exit from the baby store, i was glad to be heading to a place that didn't have a giraffe as a mascot. it always seems that when i am out with fen that we find some type of nonsense, this time was no different. we settled in at a pub table, and about 4 bites into my appetizer a girl was walking towards us blowing chunks. (yes, vomiting.) she had an "oh shit" look on her face, her cheeks were puffed out and puke was spewing out of her. i looked at my watch and it was 8:46pm. i don't know what she did prior to that, but she must've had the go hard or go home mentality. this was an a classy establishment, not some college bar...making it very confusing. later at our local bar, a police officer came in swinging his billy club. after a chat with the manager, he left. i called the manager over and asked what that was about he said, "oh there was a robbery a few streets back, the guy used a butcher knife...he is wearing a grey hoodie and jeans." we both looked around...that pretty much described everybody in the place. (mind you, we don't live in a high crime area.) shortly after that, the lead singer came up to our table and said, "hey! i recognize you from the gym...you run. a lot. you are my INSPIRATION!" i laughed on the inside, mainly because if she knew how i was feeling while running on that rat wheel, i doubt it would be far from inspiring. i mean, i almost shit out an organ this morning...pretty sure there isn't a nike commercial about that. if there is, i'll gladly star in it.

actually, i was just relieved to not be at babies r us. thankfully, my toddlers are out of the baby stage, but both of my kids are in the stage of wanting to help me with everything. therefore, it doesn't matter what i am doing, whether it be folding laundry or cleaning a toilet...they are right up my anal cavity asking if they can help. although them "helping" can prolong the process of what i am doing, i let them help most times. i know that this creates confident, independent, and capable kids. if it adds 15 minutes to my routine? so what. last weekend when i whipped out the flour and baking supplies they bee lined to the kitchen. step stools came out and we were measuring and mixing together. i really must say that these moments with my kids really are what make all the other mayhem more bearable. then, something so sweet happened that i thought my heart was going to legit explode. i have mentioned many times that my youngest is afraid of a lot of things. well, she wasn't a big fan of the mixer. she was terrified, actually, of the mixer. every time i would turn it on she would hop off the stool and run away in tears. ella and i exchanged looks and tried not to laugh. (come ON, carrie!?) however, the next time i turned it on, ella gently reached over and said, "carrie, i'm going to cover your ears so you don't have to be scared." and that's what she did. my husband came into the kitchen and snapped a picture. my heart was melting.

so through this holiday season, make sure you hold on tight to those that are close to your heart. i know that i am so very thankful for friends like the ones who can make a faux thanksgiving feast loaded with delicacies that can lead to organ failure on a run the next day. i am thankful for my family who will be blowing into town this wednesday. i am thankful for my best friend who can turn a girls night into a bad sitcom, including barfing people at the bar and cops with billy clubs. i am thankful for simple pleasures like baking with my kids. tis the season for fattening foods and the feeling like you should enter the betty ford clinic. cheers to you and the things you are thankful for...may they inspire you, just like i inspired the lead singer lady next to me on the treadmill. if nike contacts me for a commercial contract, i will let you know. i can see it now..."just do it, but don't shit your pants." (pretty sure it's the next big superbowl advertisement.) most importantly, (as cheesy as it sounds) my kids continue to inspire me everyday in ways i could've never imagined. we can take lessons from things like their kindness, for instance ella's simple gesture to her sister. be kind to one another through this holiday season and strive to find a balance between the butter and booze...i'll be in the kitchen baking with a bloody mary in hand if you need some moral support.

poptarts

this photograph was taken this morning at approximately 6:36am in the car. wanna know why she's pissed? she's pissed because she wanted a pop tart. (a pop tart.) she's pissed because she wanted a pop tart and i don't have a pantry full of them...in the CAR. it started with whimpers about the pop tart and then when i said, "i'm sorry, lovey, i don't have any spare pop tarts in the glove box..." she then lost. her. shit. the picture really doesn't do it justice, because i was fully expecting her head to spin around and pea soup to come spewing out of her mouth. she was trying to jam her little chubby hands under her seat belt and free herself from her car seat. she was acting as if it was a straight jacket and i was a very terrible person for constraining her in that way. so in her mind not only was i starving her, i was also restraining her. not for her own safely...but because i was performing a baby hate crime against her. (two year old problems.) this is the thing about kids, they are so goddamn unpredictable. one minute she was smiling and saying good morning to her sister who was already strapped in the car...and the next minute she was acting as if she just woke up from a 5 year coma, starving for a pop tart that i just didn't have. ella put her hands over her ears and yelled, "it's just too early for this TARRIE! just too EARRRRLLLLY!" (holy balls.) out of the mouths of babes...and my thoughts exactly.

my husband has a longer commute than me in the morning, so he never gets to see some of the joys i deal with due to the fact i have this duty most days. i am fortunate in that i don't have to get them dressed, but when they wake up as i am getting ready...it's equivalent to a brain aneurysm. i'm not a morning person to begin with, so brushing my teeth and putting on my makeup with little people eye balls on me is not my cup of tea. most of the time my two year old is hanging off of my leg like it's a lifeline and ella is asking me nonsensical questions about every move i am making.  i'm not fully prepared to deal with their demands before that first cup of coffee, so having a little pow wow in the bathroom before the sun rises can be enough to send me into a tailspin. most mornings i whisk them out of their beds and into the car without much interaction. you know...a 'good morning', a hug, a kiss, normal morning pleasantries. today was that type of day...until the little one decided she needed a breakfast treat in the 13 minute time frame it takes me to get them from home to the sitter. she screamed the whole thirteen minutes, full on two year old tantrum...and then i pulled out an old adage from my own parents' bag of tricks. it went as follows: after calmly telling her many times to cool it, the screams did not subside. then i raised my voice and yelled, "do you want me to pull this car over and give you something to cry about?!" (did i really just say that!?) when things like this come out of my mouth without warning, it's kind of frightening.

i mean, i remember my mom yelling this to us in the backseat like it was yesterday and now when i say it, it seems perfectly sensible. however, if i really did pull over and "give her something to cry about"...wouldn't she still be crying? what purpose would that serve? she'd still be screaming afterward in the backseat and i would still be going crazy trying to concentrate and drive. also, she actually screamed louder when i said that, defeating the whole purpose of that comment in the first place. (come on, man!) anyway, when we stopped at a red light, i snapped that picture. how else would she believe me 10 years from now when tell her she completely lost her shit over a pop tart? now i have proof. i will say, "here is a picture of you losing your shit over a pop tart. you're welcome." (wacko.) i think i share most of this stuff so that i know i am not alone. parenthood can make you feel like you are losing your mind most of the time, i just want to know that other people are sailing the same seas. (misery loves company.) anything that can make you go from calling your kid "lovey" to violently pulling over your motor vehicle in 7 minutes flat is pretty powerful. luckily, the good usually outweighs the bad when it comes to being a parent...and if you are able to laugh about this stuff along the way, it's even more bearable.

they are this cute for a reason.

so i will end with this: if your child ever pulled an exorcist moment over a meal in the backseat and acted like their car seat was a medieval torture device...you are not alone. if you find yourself quoting your own parents with phrases you swore you would never say as an adult...you are not alone. if you have ever witnessed a meltdown due to a toaster pastry...you are not alone. if you ever have questioned your choice to procreate in the first place...you are not alone. the most important thing i want you to take away from this post is this: if it comes down to a dual between pop tarts and parenting skills, unfortunately it will always be pop tarts for the win. better stock up in your purse or pockets in order to be a successful parent. the parenting books won't tell you this shit, so i will. don't say i didn't warn you.