psycho

she put herself in here.

nobody tells you when you are going to have a baby, that in about two years you will have a psycho asshole on your hands. i know this is a bold statement, and something horrible to call your own child...but seriously, it's true. most days (or moments of the day) she is super sweet and a good girl, but sometimes i have to ask myself who abducted my sweet little girl and turned her into this terrible two terror i am now dealing with. (a real life psychopathic asshole) now listen, i still love my kid (a lot)...but when she is throwing a tantrum (and punches) about brushing her teeth or playing with her blocks, i ask myself repeatedly why i decided to reproduce. the other day she wanted my attention and smacked herself in the face, repeatedly...hard enough for her binky to fly out of her mouth, and a gasp to fly out of mine. i didn't know that children partake in self mutilation, so i was really alarmed...until i talked to other moms and they said it's totally normal. (yeah, totally normal for a psychopath!) can you imagine getting pissed off at work because someone wasn't paying attention to you and just flipping out and smacking yourself in the face multiple times? (however, this would make work more fun if i had a coworker like this...i'd ignore them on purpose.)

i kinda (sorta) feel bad for my husband at this point too, because ella has grown very attached to him this summer....it's almost like he's grown a two year old tumor. she will not go anywhere without him, and insists that he do everything with her at all times. she is constantly climbing on him, like a real life jungle gym, and her new thing is to lick him. (yes, lick...ala dog) he gets pissed off, and i have to walk out of the room half of the time because i find it humorous. the other day, we gave her her first ever 'time out' and i told her to sit in a chair and count to ten. she sat there laughing her head off (psychoish) and counting on the top of her lungs, "oneeee...twooo...one....twoooo...sixxx...tennnn..." (omg, why did i just ask my two year old to count to ten?...she still shits her own pants.) anyway, it didn't go so well. she also is playing polly the parrot for every word out of our mouths. it's kinda like having an echo, but everything is a question. "we are going to eat lunch." ella: "eat? lunch?" yes. "it's time to take a nap." ella: "take? nap?" yes. "i should've invested in birth control." ella: "invested? birth control?" yes. (you get the point.) aye aye aye. she got pissed off at me the other day because she put on my socks and sneakers herself (that were on the floor) and came up to me and said, "ella? run?" i had to tell her no...for obvious reasons. here's a visual: (you can tell she's pissed.)

apparently when you are two, you decide that sleep is also going to be a fight. ella (a normally good sleeper) has started boycotting naps and bedtime...doing the 'scream like a maniac routine' everytime we lay her in her crib. (yes, she's still in a crib...bars are better at this point, people.) this lack of sleep also leads to even more crazy behavior (as you can imagine)...how do you feel when you don't sleep? (me? i feel like an axe murderer...and couple that with not being able to verbalize everything you want, it spells disaster.) if she is overtired, she makes hannibal lecter look mild. and the thing is, we are grown adults...hell, we are both teachers (and deal with children on a daily basis), but she OWNS us in these moments of craziness. sometimes we just look at each other and laugh, because what else can you do? she didn't want to get a bath last night (and she was overtired) so she kicked like a bucking bronco and flailed in the tub to the point where i had to remove her from the water because i was sure she was going to drown herself.

maybe these would've helped with bathtime?

along with being cute as hell..these pint sized people are master manipulators. they know how to get what they want, and they are very good at getting it. whether it being sugary sweet behavior, a tantrum, or smacking themselves in the head...they get your undivided attention. i went in to get ella after a nap yesterday and she smiled sweetly and said..."ohhhhhhhh hiiiiiiiiii." as in, "hello mother, i'm going to rock your world as soon as i'm released from these bars." she knows it's true, i know it's true...and we are all aboard the two year old pain train. ("pain? train?" yes.) and let me say, this ride isn't all bad...i think that what makes it seem so horrible is that the crazy behavior is completely unpredictable. one minute they are snuggling and loving you on the couch, and the next minute they are banging their head on the floor because you didn't give them a pack of fruit snacks. (really, this happens...)

this all being said, i wouldn't exchange these days for anything...i really love being a mother. (even though i also love a few glasses of wine after a long day of motherhood...) however, butch's enthusiasm (and patience) has been waning lately. after a particularly ridiculous tantrum, he told me "i'm done." i stared at him and said, "done? like...you are leaving me, done?" he said, "no...like, 'if you want any more children you are on your own' done." (oh.) men are such sissies. as i stare at my (unicorn like) newborn doing her thing in the bouncy seat, i know that time passes wayyy too quickly and she will be acting like a psycho asshole in no time. so on days i feel like my two year old is taking me to the edge of reason, i remember the quote..."this too shall pass," because it will pass, too quickly i'm afraid. before i know it she will be off to college...and then i'll be the one acting like a psycho asshole because she's leaving. it all comes full circle...even if you need a couple (hundred) glasses of wine to get around the loop.