alone

i went to PA this weekend for a friend's 30th birthday party. i went to PA...solo, alone, by myself, and i had a hard time even containing my excitement on saturday morning. i was actually so pumped, that i almost felt like throwing up. (not even joking.) the whole thought, though, also made me feel a little weird inside. i totally forgot what it's like to travel or go anywhere without a child hanging off of my leg, one in my arm, a dog in the backseat, and a husband staring at me. also, our SUV is usually JAM PACKED with shit...strollers, pack-n-plays, bouncy seats, feeding chairs, diapers, wipes, binkies, blankies...the list goes on. (forever.) and i'm not talking we need all this shit for a week long trip...i'm talking a one or two night weekend stay. it's ridiculous. sometime soon we are going to have to get one of those rad turtles that you strap to the roof of your car so that you have extra storage for travel. (can't wait for that day.) anyway, yesterday i took one small bag packed with clothes to go out in, a t-shirt to sleep in, and an outfit for the next day. i threw that sucker over my shoulder and hopped out the door without a care in the world.

alright, so i lie. i did have a care in the world...i knew that i was going to miss my kids. (a lot.) i was going to miss being away from them for just one night. (bat shit crazy i tell you.) in fact, in the car on the way up there, the friend i was carpooling with and i only really talked about our kids. what our 2 and a half hour conversation boiled down to was....that we love our kids unconditionally, but goddamnit they are a lot of work. the time and energy that it takes to care for these offspring is unreal. and i don't really know what i did with all of my time before having children. i often think what exactly did i do with all of my spare time!? i got home yesterday and hung out with my parents, got a pedicure with my mom, took a leisurely nap, showered, and got ready to go out. all the while not worrying about anybody but myself. (it. was. glorious.) if you are reading this and you don't have children, let me tell you to savor each moment you have to yourself before you choose to procreate...because once you bear offspring, you can't even take a shit without someone banging down the goddamn door. (if you are reading this and you have children, you know exactly what i'm talking about.)

so after getting ready, i went out to dinner with my parents and one of my brothers. i forgot how peaceful it is to go out to eat without a toddler flinging spaghetti at your head. we could actually talk to each other! (imagine that.) we finished up, headed to the bar and i had one goal in mind at this point. (get. hammered.) i haven't had this goal in mind in forever, but let's call a spade a spade...i wanted to get hopped up and make some bad decisions. i wanted to forget that i was a mother for a hot minute. i wanted to forget my name for a night and act like a fool. let's just say that i met the goal and far exceeded my own expectations. (acting like a fool included.) i had such a great time with such great people. these people make me laugh...and i'm pretty sure that i make them laugh as well. (or at least i did last night when i gracefully spilled my drink all over the bar accidentally and then begged the bartender not to 'yell' at me.) i also fell asleep facedown and was escorted out to the car (by my mother) who then locked me in there to sleep in the parking lot until they were ready to leave. (classy.) i was home for a friend's 30th birthday party, but i'm pretty sure that i thought it was my birthday. i rode the hot mess express...and i did it well.

alright...so i forgot what it's like to travel with only a duffel bag, i forgot what it's like to have lotsa spare time, i forgot what it's like to go to dinner without a toddler, and i forgot what it's like to get sauced up and act like a fool. i also forgot what it's like to have a hangover. (holy shit.) i woke up dressed in a backwards shirt, no pants, my dangly earrings from the night before...and my head. was. throbbing. my body is programmed to wake up at 6am, so there i was laying there at that time, awake...talking to jesus and asking him to end the pain. i felt like total ass. apparently i didn't have the motor skills to take out my contacts, so my eyes were pasted shut and my mouth tasted like an ashtray. (i allegedly smoked a few cigarettes, and i don't smoke. ever.) i also didn't remember a good portion of the evening, so i had that scared/awkward feeling that you get when you aren't sure how much of an idiot you acted like the night before. i stumbled out into the kitchen a few hours later and tried to get myself together. i was just getting my bearings straight when i got a text from butch. it included this picture:

the message said, "i got free pads and they paid me a dollar for the razor." yes, those are maxi pads. 5 bags of maxi pads. 5 bags of free maxi pads...and i don't use maxi pads. actually, i don't think i've used maxi pads since i was about 13 years old. i let him know this in a text back, and he stated, "maybe we can sell them on craigslist! they were free!" (jesus.) i was just getting over laughing at the first text when he sent another one stating that he could've gotten free polident, but he thought i would oppose. yes, polident....for dentures. (ohmygod.) so here i am severely hungover having a serious conversation about free maxipads and polident with my husband on a sunday morning. back to life...back to reality for this girl. afterwards, i walked out on the back porch and sat down in the sun, enjoying my last moments of quiet before the ride back to my circus of a real life.

and so, here i sit back in maryland, writing about my enjoyable alone time in pennsylvania. carrie is smiling at me from the bouncy seat, ella is dumping goldfish crackers on the floor and smashing them into the carpet, butch is scratching his balls in his underwear, mickey mouse is serenading us from the tv...and i'm actually (seriously) happy to be home. since walking in the door, i did two loads of laundry, made dinner, bathed the kids, packed the bags for the sitter tomorrow...and put away five bags of maxi pads that i will never use. life. is. good.

daddy

butch spent the week with the kids because i started work a whole week earlier. let the games begin.

day 1
i arrived home from work and there was pulled pork in the crock pot for dinner. he was whistling a tune at the sink with a beer in his hand...and proceeded to tell me how easy his day was. carrie slept a lot, ella played and was tantrum free and mostly pleasant all day. he rambled on about how it was "easy" to be a stay at home dad and he thought about doing it full time. he also mentioned that he could add a few kids to his daddy day care and make some extra money. i gave him a mental pat on the back as i chewed my pork sandwich...all the while thinking, there is no way easy street is going to continue all week. (no way in hell, pal.) sidebar, ella was still dressed in her pajamas from the night before.

day 2
i got a text message about 11am that stated that carrie had already had 2 bottles by this time and had not slept at all the entire morning. ("is she going to sleep...EVER?" was the exact text.) by 1pm, another text stated that ella had been complaining that her ear hurt, she refused to eat lunch, and did not want to go down for a nap. he was on attempt number 3 to get her to bed when his frustration boiled over and he texted me. he also stated that he did not get a shower yesterday, so he was going on day number two without a shower and he felt "disgusting."(i'm sure other moms can laugh at this, as washing yourself becomes a minor detail when you have little ones.) when i got home at 3:30, there were dishes all over the kitchen, toys all over the house, and nothing in the crockpot. butch told me he needed to get out of the house and proceeded to let me know he was going to barnes and noble. (???) let me fill you in on something...the kid doesn't read books. (ever.) as long as i've known him he hasn't read one book. (i didn't want to fire him up at this point, he looked awful..so i just shook my head. meanwhile, i had just worked for 9 hours and was tired as hell.) he left. i made dinner and picked up the house. about 2 hours later he walked in the door with a case of octoberfest. (left for books, came back with beer...well done sir.) after dinner, i told him that ella had a fever, and probably an ear infection. i asked him if he could take her to the doctor tomorrow. ("by myself!? with both of them? jesus god." was the answer.). another sidebar, same as the day before...when i got home, ella was still dressed in her pajamas from the night before.

day 3
i must mention that nobody but carrie slept the during the night. (she's a newborn, so that makes total sense, right?! not.) ella had a raging fever all night, and therefore did not sleep hardly at all. when a toddler is not sleeping, either are the parents. she was in our bed with us moaning and crying. (poor thing.) i've said it before and i'll say it again...sick kids are the absolute worst. we could not get her fever down, so she was boiling hot...but wanted to be snuggled. (it was like cuddling with a turkey straight out of the oven. cozy.) at about 2:50am, she finally fell asleep...and then carrie woke up to eat. (sweet mary mother of god.) at that point, i accepted that i was going to feel like a piece of shit the next day...sometimes it's just better to accept it, than fool yourself. ella was all over the place the rest of the night, crying hysterically because she didn't feel good or kicking me in the lady parts. finally at around 6am, i got out of bed, fed carrie again and was getting ready for work. (my sights were set on a really productive day at that point...) butch got up with ella (and looked like a serial killer) and i told him i would let him know what time i could get her in at the doctor. as i walked out the door, ella started screaming on the top of her lungs..."mommmmmmyyyyyy". i stopped at dunkin donuts, called the doctor from the car...and contemplated veering off into oncoming traffic several times. i was having trouble making full sentences at that point, so i texted butch and told him ella's appointment was at 9:45am. around 11am, i got a phone call and i was in a meeting (trying not to fall asleep). i walked out into the hallway to answer. he let me know that it was not an ear infection...she has hand/foot and mouth disease. for those of you that don't know what this gem of a summer sickness is...your kid gets a raging fever, sores on their hands, feet, and/or in their mouths...and severe crankiness. the best part about this whole "disease" is that they give you no antibiotics for it. you just have to watch your kid suffer and "let it run it's course."(it's about as fun as it sounds.) at around 2pm, i hit a wall and could no longer be around other people. (i was about to go ape shit...as my dad would say, everyone was "talking stupid.") so i snuck out the back door and headed home an hour early. as i walked in the door at 2:30ish...butch was passed out on the couch, carrie was sleeping in the swing, and ella was asleep in her crib. i hopped into bed and hoped for 20 minutes of sleep. just as i closed my eyes...ella started crying. (mother. f'er.) later we were making dinner and butch decided to grill a london broil. after prepping the meat, he walked outside. two minutes later he walked back in, slammed the slab of meat on the counter and said, "goddamnit we are out of propane!!!!!" (serenity now.) he left the room and came back with a half empty cheap bottle of rum that must've been left over from a party we had in the past. the kid doesn't drink rum. (ever.) he made himself a drink. (um...okay?) i made a frozen bagged noodle and shrimp concoction he got with a coupon instead. ella is now in bed...for now. as i was typing this, carrie projectile vomited milk all over the place. (she has never done that in her 10 weeks of life. ever.) and sidebar, when i got ella out of her crib from her nap, she was dressed only in a diaper. (at least she was out of her pajamas from the night before.)

day 4
ella woke up (only) once the night before and stated, "medicine please, mommy."(is that normal for 2 year olds to ask for that?) i already had an squirty syringe ready for her on my night stand for this purpose...as i sat down on our bed and prepared to give it to her, i fumbled and squirted the red liquid all over the wall adjacent to our bed. (holy crap.) i gasped. ella yelled, "UH OH! OH NO!" really loud...which startled kung fu panda laying next to us. he sprung out of bed and said, "what is going on!? (really confused) and why is there advil all over the wall??" while laughing, i told him i accidentally squirted it and asked him if he could go downstairs and get some more. (he didn't think it was very funny.) he stumbled downstairs. ella went back to bed shortly after i (properly) administered the medicine, and she was still sleeping when i left in the morning. (praise jesus.) at about 10am, i texted mr. mom and asked him how ella was feeling. he said she had no fever and was happy as a clam. an hour later i got a text that said, "i'm baking cookies!!"...so it was back to the suzy homemaker routine from monday. (and no worries, the cookies were the tollhouse break apart ones that are all ready to go in the oven...he's not that domestic.) i didn't hear anything the rest of the day. (no news is good news.) i walked in about 3:30pm and it was smiles all around. butch left to go fill up the propane that we expired the night before...and i must've looked a little rough, because he stopped at the liquor store on his way home and bought me wine...a whole box. sidebar, we skyped with my parents around 5pm and they asked why ella was already in her pajamas...(you guessed it!), they were the same pajamas from the night before. i must also state that when i took her diaper off to put her in the tub, there was a penny in there. i asked her how it got there and she just smiled and squawked, "monnnnneeyyyy!!" (awesome.)

day 5
we started the day with dual doctor appointments that i had made months ago. (a 2 year physical and a 2 month checkup..including shots for all) i had forgotten i made the appointments and had to let my principal know that i would be in late...i thought it was wise to not to send butch by himself at this point in the week. (his next stop after the doctor appointments would've been to a lawyer...to get divorce papers.) so we all went to the doctors at 8am. dual doctor appointments sound good in theory (bang them both out in one trip)...but it actuality, it was equivalent to a brain aneurysm. ella is still getting over the hand, foot, mouth business, so really didn't want someone poking and proding her. (they held off giving her shots because of her recent sickness...thank god) carrie was her normal happy self, but needed to get three shots. butch decided to take ella back into the waiting room while carrie got her pricked. when he went out into the hallway, he left the door open. i overheard the doctor (a woman) talking to the nurse (another woman), saying they better give carrie some tylenol before her shots because "mom (me) was going back to work and dad (butch) was going to be left home with ella who was just getting over being sick and carrie who was getting immunized (which can make kids fussy)"...and then they both started losing their shit laughing at this thought. (and then i started laughing) women really do have it out for men sometimes. (whoops.) anyway, i dropped all three of them off after the appointments and headed to work. (god speed daddy man.) i didn't hear anything all day and i was hoping i didn't. i texted my uncle (who lives nearby) and asked him if he could take the kids for 2 hours so butch and i could go out for a few drinks and dinner alone. i had had it with work at this point and he had had it with his mr. mom routine. we both needed a break....or a mental ward. thankfully my aunt and uncle said they could keep the kids and we dropped them off before heading downtown. as we were drinking painkillers (real name of the drink...and totally appropriate at this point in the week) down by the water, we didn't say too much to each other. we quietly sipped our drinks, listened to the music, stared at the waterview...much better than checking ourselves into the psych ward and having a nurse tighten our matching straight jackets.

this is a week that i wish i could've pushed the fast forward button and zoomed through it. i do know one thing...if you lose your sense of humor through these types of weeks, you would be lost. (or lose your ever loving mind) butch is now (very) ready to head back to work, and next week i will deal with the fun of getting both girls up and to the sitter at 6:30 in the morning. (a whole new bag of tricks, i'm sure) butch did a great job as stay at home dad, but i truly hope when i pick up ella after work from the sitter next week...she is at least out of her pajamas from the night before.

work

so i've been off for 11 whole weeks...and i go back to work tomorrow. (i just threw up in my mouth a little bit upon writing that.) the thing is, i enjoy what i do...love it actually, but work still blows. i don't think anyone gets up out of bed in the morning and proclaims, "YIPPEE!! WORK!!"...and if someone actually does do that, i want to find that person and karate chop them in the throat.  it is nice, however, after a long summer to become a productive member of society again. i am not saying that being a mother isn't a full time job, because it absolutely is...and i do give stay at home mom's all the credit in the world, because i would go bat shit crazy if i did that all the time. however, that being said, i am emotional train wreck about leaving my kids. ella looked at me this morning and said, 'wuv yous mommy'...and i bust into tears. carrie smiled at me after a feeding this afternoon and i almost regurgitated my lunch on her due to my pending return to the workforce. (being a woman is awesome.) your kids can make you absolutely nuts, but you love them unconditionally to the point of exhaustion.

for the sake of my marriage, it's probably good that i'm going back to work though...because butch and i are in full time fightmode. if he breathes the wrong way, i'm ready to smack him in the lungs. if i look at him the wrong way, he is ready to poke me in the eyeball. (no joke.) we've had a lotta fun this summer with each other, and with the kids...but good riddance, enough family time already. eleven full weeks of family only time is enough to make anyone nuts. this morning he went out to get the papers (get the papers) for his coupons, which he hasn't done in about 4 weeks (not sure why he was on the hiatus...too busy scratching his balls, i suppose) he then walked into the bedroom and exclaimed, "GOT THE PAPERS....I'M BACK BABY!!"(meaning his annoying coupon addiction is "back"...joy.) he spent the entire morning clipping and prepping for his grocery adventures today, i can't wait to see all the crap he comes home with. he asked me a slew of random questions like, "do you need contact solution? can you use dye free laundry detergent? can carrie wear huggies?"..the list goes on and on. he ended with..."if i get six bottles of comet for free...will you use it to clean?" (jesus, yes warren.) he just skipped out the door and sing songed, "wish me luuuuuckkk!" (i flipped him off after he left.)

so tomorrow i trade in my gym shorts and tank tops for teacher clothes...and my afternoon naps for adult conversations. i start a full week earlier than butch, so he will spend the entire week with both kids at home...i expect no less than 23 stories and 14 phone calls about his mr. mom routine. i know that he will be FULLY ready to go back to work the following monday after he plays stay at home dad for a week. (he was ready to go back weeks ago, so this'll really take him over the edge...) i look forward to meeting the next batch of children that enter my classroom...and embracing all the craziness that goes along with them. i'm sad leaving my own children, but know they are in good hands while i'm at work. i look forward to teaching again...however, if one of my coworkers exclaims, "YIPPEEE!!! WORRKK!" when i walk into the building tomorrow...they are getting an instant karate chop to the throat.

psycho

she put herself in here.

nobody tells you when you are going to have a baby, that in about two years you will have a psycho asshole on your hands. i know this is a bold statement, and something horrible to call your own child...but seriously, it's true. most days (or moments of the day) she is super sweet and a good girl, but sometimes i have to ask myself who abducted my sweet little girl and turned her into this terrible two terror i am now dealing with. (a real life psychopathic asshole) now listen, i still love my kid (a lot)...but when she is throwing a tantrum (and punches) about brushing her teeth or playing with her blocks, i ask myself repeatedly why i decided to reproduce. the other day she wanted my attention and smacked herself in the face, repeatedly...hard enough for her binky to fly out of her mouth, and a gasp to fly out of mine. i didn't know that children partake in self mutilation, so i was really alarmed...until i talked to other moms and they said it's totally normal. (yeah, totally normal for a psychopath!) can you imagine getting pissed off at work because someone wasn't paying attention to you and just flipping out and smacking yourself in the face multiple times? (however, this would make work more fun if i had a coworker like this...i'd ignore them on purpose.)

i kinda (sorta) feel bad for my husband at this point too, because ella has grown very attached to him this summer....it's almost like he's grown a two year old tumor. she will not go anywhere without him, and insists that he do everything with her at all times. she is constantly climbing on him, like a real life jungle gym, and her new thing is to lick him. (yes, lick...ala dog) he gets pissed off, and i have to walk out of the room half of the time because i find it humorous. the other day, we gave her her first ever 'time out' and i told her to sit in a chair and count to ten. she sat there laughing her head off (psychoish) and counting on the top of her lungs, "oneeee...twooo...one....twoooo...sixxx...tennnn..." (omg, why did i just ask my two year old to count to ten?...she still shits her own pants.) anyway, it didn't go so well. she also is playing polly the parrot for every word out of our mouths. it's kinda like having an echo, but everything is a question. "we are going to eat lunch." ella: "eat? lunch?" yes. "it's time to take a nap." ella: "take? nap?" yes. "i should've invested in birth control." ella: "invested? birth control?" yes. (you get the point.) aye aye aye. she got pissed off at me the other day because she put on my socks and sneakers herself (that were on the floor) and came up to me and said, "ella? run?" i had to tell her no...for obvious reasons. here's a visual: (you can tell she's pissed.)

apparently when you are two, you decide that sleep is also going to be a fight. ella (a normally good sleeper) has started boycotting naps and bedtime...doing the 'scream like a maniac routine' everytime we lay her in her crib. (yes, she's still in a crib...bars are better at this point, people.) this lack of sleep also leads to even more crazy behavior (as you can imagine)...how do you feel when you don't sleep? (me? i feel like an axe murderer...and couple that with not being able to verbalize everything you want, it spells disaster.) if she is overtired, she makes hannibal lecter look mild. and the thing is, we are grown adults...hell, we are both teachers (and deal with children on a daily basis), but she OWNS us in these moments of craziness. sometimes we just look at each other and laugh, because what else can you do? she didn't want to get a bath last night (and she was overtired) so she kicked like a bucking bronco and flailed in the tub to the point where i had to remove her from the water because i was sure she was going to drown herself.

maybe these would've helped with bathtime?

along with being cute as hell..these pint sized people are master manipulators. they know how to get what they want, and they are very good at getting it. whether it being sugary sweet behavior, a tantrum, or smacking themselves in the head...they get your undivided attention. i went in to get ella after a nap yesterday and she smiled sweetly and said..."ohhhhhhhh hiiiiiiiiii." as in, "hello mother, i'm going to rock your world as soon as i'm released from these bars." she knows it's true, i know it's true...and we are all aboard the two year old pain train. ("pain? train?" yes.) and let me say, this ride isn't all bad...i think that what makes it seem so horrible is that the crazy behavior is completely unpredictable. one minute they are snuggling and loving you on the couch, and the next minute they are banging their head on the floor because you didn't give them a pack of fruit snacks. (really, this happens...)

this all being said, i wouldn't exchange these days for anything...i really love being a mother. (even though i also love a few glasses of wine after a long day of motherhood...) however, butch's enthusiasm (and patience) has been waning lately. after a particularly ridiculous tantrum, he told me "i'm done." i stared at him and said, "done? like...you are leaving me, done?" he said, "no...like, 'if you want any more children you are on your own' done." (oh.) men are such sissies. as i stare at my (unicorn like) newborn doing her thing in the bouncy seat, i know that time passes wayyy too quickly and she will be acting like a psycho asshole in no time. so on days i feel like my two year old is taking me to the edge of reason, i remember the quote..."this too shall pass," because it will pass, too quickly i'm afraid. before i know it she will be off to college...and then i'll be the one acting like a psycho asshole because she's leaving. it all comes full circle...even if you need a couple (hundred) glasses of wine to get around the loop.